


Sex Type Thing

by CynDeez



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Aggressive Daryl, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - No Zombies, Anal Sex, Ass Play, Ass to Mouth, Daryl Dixon Smut, Daryl Gives Oral Sex, Dirty Talk, Drunk Sex, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Heavy Drinking, Hot Chick With Tattoos, Hot Sex, My Own Made Up Bullshit, Oral Sex, POV Alternating, POV Daryl, POV Daryl Dixon, POV First Person, POV Original Character, Pegging, Poor Daryl, Possessive Daryl, Protective Daryl, Rimming, Rough Sex, Sweet Daryl, Tattoos, Texting, Vaginal Fingering, Vulgar Language, rimjob, vulnerable Daryl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-07-12 19:29:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 117,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7119463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynDeez/pseuds/CynDeez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was unbearable lust at first sight the minute they laid eyes on each other. Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? Or could Daryl Dixon actually feel something more for once in his life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of All The Georgia Whiskey Joints (Part 1)

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate universe side piece featuring my sexy OC Chase Sanchez and Daryl Dixon (of course). I love the sexual chemistry between these two from my original apocalyptic love story (As Lost I get, I will Find You) however, I didn't wanna have the story turn into a porno ssooooo I came up with the fuckin' sweet idea to get all my freaky sex smut shit out with this little piece you're about to read (Insert suggestive finger emoji's here). Nothing is off limits and I have a sick sick mind (I'd say that was a warning). Please enjoy and let me know what you think! Not sure how many chaps I'm gonna spew out so if you're into it click that little bookmark tab ;)
> 
> One last thing: My AU Daryl tends to be a little different from my TWD/ZA Daryl. Can't really speak to why the hell that is but he just comes out that way. I understand that some things may be out of character for him. Also, this isn't a sequel or anything that you have to read said story above to be able to read this one. This is a new side piece story simply using my most favorite character, Senora Sanchez! xoxo

“Fuck! Fuck! Holy fuckin' shit!” She’s yellin’ and pantin’ like she’s gonna pass out. This girl, she’s squirmin’ under me hollerin’ like I’m murderin’ her and I wonder what she’s feelin’ cause I ain’t been feelin’ much of nothin’. Been inside her all of three minutes and it ain’t quite goin’ the way I was hopin’ it would. 

“Fuck this tight little hole! Uh huh… Mmmmmm yeah.. Give it to me!” She keeps on while I dig up in her. Long legs spread real wide. Got a fake baby voice goin’ on and as much as I want to enjoy fuckin’ this chick, somethin’ just ain’t right. I don’t like how loud she is. That damn stupid voice, I know it ain't real. And them things she’s hollerin’ at me. She ain’t got the prettiest face but her tits are damn near perfect. Round and natural and bouncin’ all over the place. I'm tryin’ to focus on them titties and what I’m doin’ to her but goddamn, this chick’s got the loosest pussy I’ve ever dealt with. Got me losin’ my wood. Between all that and this piece of shit rubber. Fuck.

“Jam that huge cock in my pussy! Yeah.. you like that? Fuck yes! You like that fuckin' cunt, don’t you daddy?!”

What in the fuck, girl? Is this a goddamn joke? And now my dick is soft. Yup. Son of a bitch.

“Yeah, I ain't doin’ this..” I pull out and get off her. Instantly regrettin’ buyin’ her them drinks. Talkin’ her up. Kissin’ on her at that grimy bar. Bringin’ her ass home. I take the rubber off my limp dick and toss it. Fuck it. 

“What the fuck?” her blue eyes all wide like she ain’t never had nobody not want her before. Stringy bleached to shit blonde hair touchin’ her shoulders when she sits up, coverin’ them tits with my pillow, “You can’t be serious!”

“Jenny-”

“It’s Jessica, you fuck.” She’s lookin’ at me, her nostrils flarin’ up. Her face turnin’ all kindsa colors. Clutchin’ that pillow tight as all hell like she’s wishin’ it's my head. Squeezin’ until my damn eyeballs pop out.

I’m layin’ back on the bed, feelin’ kinda like a jerk but whatever. I ain’t ‘bout to sugar coat bad sex to make some broad I don’t know feel good ‘bout herself. I sigh and grab my phone, “You should probably get goin’.”

“Fuck you! Asshole!” Jenny or whoever throws that pillow in my face and huffs and puffs ‘round the room gatherin’ her shit and fumblin’ puttin’ it on fast as she can. Talkin’ shit ‘bout me under her breath like I ain't hearin’ what she's sayin’. I ain’t gonna lie, I’m feelin’ bad for her. Makes me think I should give her a ride home, at least.

“Hey.. Lemme drive you home.”

“NO! Why don’t you just sit here and fuck yourself, prick!” She flips me off and starts slammin’ my doors. Then, like that, she’s gone. And I'm sure I'm gonna be seein’ her again back at that piss smellin’ bar humpin’ on some other asshole for free drinks. That’s just how it goes ‘round here. And that’s the type of girls ya get.

It’s 2:30 in the mornin’ on a Saturday night and I’m sittin’ alone in my run down apartment. It ain’t what it’s lookin’ like, I can guarantee it. I ain’t exactly got myself laid in a fuckin’ long ass time. When I go to the bar, I go to drink ‘cause what the fuck else I got to do here in these parts. I work. Drink. Eat. Jerk off. Watch some TV. Sleep. Jerk it again. Repeat. Not always in that order. Well, tonight I thought I would try a little bit and have me a real girl in my bed. And instead of makin’ me feel like maybe I oughta get laid like that more often, it made me feel like jerkin’ off to internet porn is way less messy and frustratin’. And not havin’ to talk to nobody makes it a fuckin’ dream come true. ‘Cept pussy feels way better than my grease monkey hand. 

Hmmm.. phones ringin’.. Who the fuck is callin’ me so damn late? Merle. I take a deep breath before pickin’ it up cause I ain’t too sure I’m prepared to deal with whatever bullshit’s waitin’ on the other end.

“Hey.” After all them rings, I answer.

“Little Brother! You gotta come get me!” Merle hollers into the phone and he’s lit. Drunk as shit and most likely high as a goddamn kite too. “Blew my damn piece a shit tire out here all crazy an' shit!”

“You hit anything?”

“Didn’t you just fuckin’ hear what I said? I blew a fuckin’ tire! Damn thing's obliterated”

“So change it. You got a spare in the back.”

“I know all that, but I fuckin’ can’t do it myself. Not now.. I’m so fuckin’ shit faced I can’t feel my damn legs” Merle laughs wickedly into the phone. Slurrin’ and carryin’ on like a damn degenerate. Like he ain’t already 65 years old yet still actin' like a pissed off teenager.

I wanna tell him to go fuck himself. I don’t give a shit what the fuck happens to him tonight because he’s an asshole. But instead he tells me where he thinks he is and I get dressed and head out to find him. Maybe I’m a fuckin’ sucker and I just can’t say no when my brother needs me. Whatever it is, I keep on. Asshole or not, he’s all I got. And maybe one day he’ll be there for me when I need him. But I ain’t holdin’ my breath ‘cause I’mma make sure to never need nobody. 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

“Yo, Dixon. Wake the fuck up!” TJ yells across the shop. It’s his shop. He’s a bit of a fuck.

“What?” I’m tryin’ to stay focused but it ain’t workin’ out too well since I got not one wink of sleep last night.

“I said we got a ‘89 Camaro leakin’ fluid.. Got knockin’ in the engine. That’s all you. She out front. Stop fallin’ asleep and get it done.”

“Got it!” fuck. I take a drink of water and splash the rest on my face. Better be a quick fix or better yet, somethin’ I could take care of tomorrow. 

I put my customer service mask on and wipe the grease from my hands before walkin’ out to the front office. Almost immediately a red haired lady starts talkin’ to me, “Are you the mechanic?” She squints to read the name sewn into my coveralls, “Daryl? Well I’m in a bit of a time crunch, Daryl, so if you could just hurry on up that would be great!”

“Might not be that simple, Ma’am, but I’mma do my best. Pull her on in and I’ll have a look” 

So she does and I do. Car needs work. I can do the work, no problem, but she ain’t tryin’ to wait or leave the car for me to fix. Rich people. They really do whatever the fuck they want. I urged her to at least let me change that oil cause all that knockin’ was due to water gettin’ in it from the pump drip she got and it was bad news. Real bad news but she didn’t wanna let me replace the pump. Said she’d bring it back when she had more time. Fine by me. But it’s a shame to have some idiot drivin’ around in a beautiful cherry red ‘89 Iroc Z runnin’ it into the damn ground. Abuse, I tell ya.

A few smoke breaks and couple oil changes later, I managed to run the clock down to 4:30 and it was time to go. I wasn’t even tryin’ to change out my coveralls. Fuck it. I’m so tired. I’ll pick up some food on the way home, eat and pass out on my couch watchin’ bad TV. Made me feel good just thinkin’ ‘bout it. Doin’ fuckin’ nothin’.

“Dixon!” Mike walks up to me with a shit eatin’ grin as I’m walkin’ out the door and I already know what he’s gonna say before he says it. He’s shorter than me by ‘bout 2 inches and he got -23% body fat but no muscle. Sometimes I wonder how the fuck just a skeleton wrapped in skin can walk around on it’s own. But that’s Mike and he’s a good guy.

“Nah.” I shake my head, hair fallin’ in my eyes, “Can’t.”

“The fuck you can’t! Me and Shawn are goin’ to that bar 'cross town, ‘Henley’s’”

“We drank last night. And the night before. All we doin’ is drinkin’ and I’m fuckin’ tired and I feel like shit. Gonna have to pass, man.” 

“Drinkin’ shit whiskey in shit bars with them nasty ass broads don’t count, Dixon. Don’t be a lil’ bitch.. Shawn said he swims in pussy up in that place! And not just pussy.. Grade A bring-a- tear-to-your-goddamn-eye pussy!”

“Shawn said he swims in pussy? And you believe that fuck?” I laugh, “He ain’t got but more than 8 teeth.” I get serious again and point my finger in his face, “And I ain’t no bitch. Watch your fuckin’ mouth.”

“Come on, just one. If you ain’t feelin’ like stayin’, it’s cool. What else you got to do?” Mike won’t stop. He’ll keep on until I punch him in the eye. And I will. Again. 

“Mike.. Merle had me out there babysittin’ him and changin’ tires. All damn night. I’m goin’ home to sleep.”

“Man, you sleep when yer good an’ dead! Come on! I’m tryin’ to get laid tonight and you the best wing man. Guy code. You gon’ break it on me for some sleep?”

I look at the clock. Takes about 15 mins to get across town from here. I shoot fuckin’ Mike a nasty look so he knows there’s a good chance Imma punch him again before the nights over. But he’s right. What else I got to do other than sit home alone and sleep like an old lady. A change of scenery might very well be a good thing. I unzip my coveralls and Mike starts grinnin’.

“Lemme change first.” 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

I pull up to the bar in my truck and Shawn is already standin’ outside smokin’ with some scrawny hillbilly lookin’ guy and a sloppy chick in spandex pants. I get to feelin’ like I shoulda just went home but I’m here now so Imma make the best of it. I take my shades off and fix my hair a little. Have a smoke outside with Shawn, Mike and them weird friends of his before steppin’ inside the bar. Henley’s huh? Well it was cleaner than them bars I’m used to goin’ to with Merle. Since it’s Sunday, it ain’t all that busy neither. Got a nice wood bar. Pool table and darts. Everything you’d expect from a bar in these parts. ‘Cept it don’t smell like piss and vomit.

“Dixon, play you in pool. If I win, I get my 50 bucks back, plus 50.” Mike smacks me on the chest with a grin. Always fuckin’ touchin me, this guy.

“You could just say 100.. And I need a drink first.” I shake my head. Mike is such a dumb fuck. But he’s one of the only people in my life I can count on if I need him. That means somethin’. 

“True.. Hey bartender!” He plays the drums with them big bony hands against the wood as we pull up a few stools. Aside from us, there’s 3 other people sittin’ at the bar drinkin’ beer. 3 old guys that look like they been through some shit then came back then went through some worse shit then came back again. 

That was when I saw her. Dressed in all black. Black tank top and tight black pants. Them curves on that girl made my face get hot. Real tiny too and got both her arms full up with tattoos. She flipped her long dark hair out her face and smiled. It was like I was seein’ her move in slow motion like in them movies. She was glowin’ like there was a light shinin’ that was only shinin' on her and nobody else. Them big brown eyes and that smile made me forget where I was. Had me thinkin’ I was watchin’ her on a TV screen ‘cause ain’t no way that girl, pretty as she was, was real and standin’ right in front of me. I ain’t realize I was starin’ at her like that until I started to catch wood.

“Hey boys!” She’s wavin’ and walkin’ up to us. The wood bar between us makin’ me mad. Wishin’ I could get closer ‘cause I bet she smells good enough to eat. “What can I get you, fellas?”

“Hey beautiful.” Shawn leans over the bar to get a better look at her tits and I clench my fist, “Lemme get a Hendricks on the rocks.” One thing ‘bout Shawn, he’s confident enough to full on grin without no teeth.

That girl, she nods with them big brown eyes she got and turns to me. I’m lookin’ at her and she’s lookin’ right back at me. I ain’t never got nervous ‘round no girl before but in the 30 seconds since I realized she existed, somethin’ happened inside me. I clear my throat and look down at my hands then right back at her still lookin’ at me and smilin’ with them pretty white teeth she got, “Whiskey. Neat.” 

Her eyes still on me as Mike blends into the background, “Same thing he’s havin’.” 

That girl, she’s starin’ right at me and ain’t showin’ signs of stoppin’, “Any specific whiskey?”

“Jack is fine.” 

“Most excellent choice.” She winks, turnin’ around to pour our drinks. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s grabbin’ them glasses and bottles and I ain’t never seen anything look more sexy. All of a sudden, I ain’t at all tired no more. Matter of fact, I'm wide awake.

“Ok.. 2 Jack’s, as neat as can be..” she puts ‘em down in front of us, “aaannnddd a Hendricks on the rocks.”

“Where you from, gorgeous? Got yourself a accent there” Shawn tries his hand at flirtin’. Fuckin’ cocksucker.

“New Yawk.” She leans over the bar, restin’ that pretty little chin on her hands, “Never seen you guys around here before. Then again, I’ve only been here for 2 weeks. You guys live nearby?”

“Me and him work ‘cross town.” Mike points to me, “‘Bout 5 miles thataway.” he points toward the door. 

“What’s your name, sweetheart?” Shawn asks. 

“You first.” She flirts right back but she keeps lookin’ at me lookin’ at her.

“Name’s Shawn Miller, this ugly mug right here is Daryl Dixon and that simple moron next to him is Mike Embry.”

“Wow, first and last names!” She giggles, puttin’ a hand to her chest, “My name is Chastity Sanchez. But my friends call me Chase.”

“Sanchez, eh? Spanish mamasita, huh?” Mike makes an ass of himself.

“Si parece serlo.” She laughs, flipping that long hair back. Whatever the fuck that was she just said had to be the sexiest thing I ever heard. She’s lookin’ at me drinkin' my whiskey, “Daryl Dixon...You don’t talk much, do you?”

“He’s tired. Had a rough night last night.” Mike pats me on the back.

I chug my drink ‘cause I ain’t sure what to say, “Gonna go take a piss.” 

And I do. And after I piss, I check myself out in the bathroom mirror. Messy ass hair, plain black tee and some jeans. I ain’t much to look at but there ain’t no way I look worse than them 2 fucks sittin’ out there. Sounds sad, but havin’ ugly friends makes ya look better. And I never gave a shit ‘bout none of that until right now. Right when I saw that girl and she looked at me. I shook my damn head at myself, pulled my smokes from my pocket and walked out. Mike and Shawn at the pool table now with them other 2 that Shawn was with.

“Goin’ for a smoke.” I walk by ‘em with a cigarette in my mouth.

“What?” Mike calls out.

“Be right back!” I yell across the room, tryin’ not to look at her. 

I light my cig and pull my phone out, leanin’ against my pick up. 5 text messages. Hhmmm. All from Merle ‘bout nothin’. I read through ‘em and I bet he ain’t even know he sent ‘em in the first place. Them drugs got him all fucked up lately. Glad I stopped with all that.

“Daryl Dixon.” That girl.

I look up from my phone, a cig hangin’ from my mouth. She was even prettier in real light. She’s walkin’ over to me, slowly. Them big brown eyes starin’ right through me. 

“Got an extra one?” She smiles. Her voice was soft but that accent made her sound tough. The way her lips and face moved when she spoke. Like she got an attitude about her. 

“Yeah.” I dig my phone back in my pocket and pull out my pack of Parliaments, holdin’ them up for her to take one. Them little fingers. Dark blue nail polish. She puts the smoke to her lips and I light it for her.

“Thanks, Darling.” She takes a pull, tiltin’ that pretty head back and blowin’ the smoke up in the air, “This your truck?” 

“Mmhhhmm... Had her since I first learned to drive.”

“She’s pretty sweet. Love pickup trucks.” She smiles, “I like your hair too”

I laugh cause I know she’s lyin’, “I need a haircut.”

“No. Don't cut it”

“What brings you all the way down here from up North? Ain’t nothin’ exciting goin’ on in these parts.” I take another pull. Tryin’ so hard to smoke this thing as slow as I can to get to talk to her longer.

“Wanted to try something different. Picked a spot on the map with my eyes closed, found a roommate on-line and packed a suitcase.” She nods with a smirk. “And now I’m standing here talking to you.”

“Of all the fucked up places in all the world, the backwoods of North Georgia is where you ended up, huh?” I laugh.

“I do believe that everything happens for a reason, Daryl Dixon.” She looks up at me, “If I wasn’t working tonight and you didn’t come in for a neat Jack, run off take a piss then step outside for a smoke, I wouldn’t have had nobody to bum one off of.”

“Sure you would.” 

“I don’t know about that. Besides, yours tastes better.” she winks and blows her smoke up in the air again and I get the urge to slide my tongue between her thighs right up on the bed of my truck.

“What you got goin’ on after this?” I finish my smoke and toss it, ain’t prepared to beat ‘round no bushes.

“Well, I get out around 2. Usually, bed.” she laughs, “Are you hinting at something?”

“How you gettin’ home?” 

“I don’t live far. I usually walk or call a cab. Don’t have access to a car yet but I’m working on it.”

“I’ll take ya home. Shouldn’t be walkin’ by yourself that time of night.”

“I’m from New York City, trust me, I’ll be fine. I carry a knife. Nobody’s fucking with me.” she laughs, finishing her smoke.

“Nah, it ain’t safe.”

“But getting in a car with a guy I just met so he can drive me home and see exactly where I live is safer?” she smirks up at me with them eyes.

“I ain’t tryin’ to get in your pants or nothin’. Just wanna make sure you get home ok."

“You’re not trying to get in my pants?” she raises her eyebrows and sticks her tongue out at me, walking backwards with them cute little legs, “Gotta get back to work. Thanks for the smoke, Mr. Dixon. Don’t leave without saying bye.” She turns and goes back into the bar leavin’ me wantin’ more of her and she knows it.


	2. Of All The Georgia Whiskey Joints (Part 2)

I need another fuckin’ cig so I smoke one before goin’ back in. Mike and Shawn still back there playin’ pool. Takin’ shots and carryin’ on. Well, I sit my ass back down at the bar cause I want another drink. And I’d be lyin’ if I said I didn’t want to look at that girl some more. She’s pourin’ some tap beers for them old shitty guys but she see’s me and she’s smilin’ again.

“Neat Jack comin’ right up.” she winks and before I know it she’s handin’ me a drink and leanin’ over the bar. Them palm sized titties squeezin’ up and pokin’ out of her black tank and I’m fightin’ so hard not to look. “This one’s on me.”

“Only if you take a shot with me.” 

“A shot of what?”

“Whatever you want.” I bring good ol’ Jack to my lips to shut me up before I say somethin’ stupid.

She’s just lookin’ at me, smilin’. Her lips are so sexy got me wantin’ to kiss her. And kissin’ ain’t usually my thing. There’s somethin’ ‘bout this girl. I can’t even talk ‘bout it if I tried. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout her but I’m feelin’ like I want to know everything. Startin’ with how sweet she tastes.

“Tequila. Cuervo.” She turns around to grab the bottle and sets 2 shot glasses down in front of me, “Talk all the shit you want about Jose...but I’ve got a hell of a history with him. I guess you can say we’re good friends.” She’s smilin’ that smile of hers pickin’ up the full glasses and handin’ me one. 

“No lime?” 

“Straight up.” she nods all proud, “Salud!”

We clink ‘em and knock ‘em back. I can shoot tequila. I can damn well shoot anythin’. But seein’ that girl take that shit down like that had me thinkin’ I wanna see what else she can do. 

“Fucking A.” She shakes that pretty head of hers scrunchin’ up her face before leanin’ over the bar again.

“You Mexican?” I ask but instantly feel like a piece of shit just assumin’. 

Her eyes get even bigger and she’s laughin’, “Puerto Rican. You don’t get too many of us down here.”

“That in Mexico?” Bad joke. But she’s really laughin’ now and I’m feelin’ like she gets it. But just in case, I gotta make sure she knows I’m not that fuckin’ stupid, “I’m just messin’ with ya. I ain’t that dumb.”

“My guess is, you’re a white guy from Georgia. Am I right?” She’s grinnin’.

“Pretty much.” I laugh, drinkin’ my Jack, “Ain’t nothin’ special or interestin’ ‘bout me.”

“Somehow I don’t believe that, Daryl Dixon.” She’s lookin’ at me lookin’ at her and I’m feelin’ powerless. My skin gets all hot and I’m tryin’ to look away so she don’t think I’m creepy but I can’t. She’s like a magnet and I ain’t prepared to resist. She’s leanin’ over that bar real close and we’re just starin’ at each other. She brushes her little painted pinky finger against my hand that’s wrapped around the rock glass of Jack. The front door opens up and her eyes move away from mine. 

“Here..” she pulls her phone from her back pocket and hands it to me, “Put your number in there and call yourself.” she runs over to greet the new drunks that sat at the end of the bar and I do as the lady says. 

Mike comes up behind me and grabs my shoulders, “Dude.. such a party pooper man. You missed me kick this fuckers ass! Won me my 50 bucks back like I knew I was gonna!”

“Good for you. That’s ‘cause I wasn’t playin’.” I look over at her as she’s poppin’ caps off a few beers.

“Fuck all that, I’m goin’ home! Ain’t you comin’?” Mike’s lookin’ over at her too now, “She’s way too fuckin’ hot, man. Lookin’ like a metal head J Lo an’ shit.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty.” I put my hand over her phone so he don’t see it and cause a scene. Mike’s the type that ain’t able to use his inside voice for nothin’.

“Wastin’ yer time, man.. waaaayy outta your league!” He’s smackin’ me on the shoulder laughin,’ “I’m ‘bout to head home.. If you ain’t want TJ up yer ass again tomorrow, you should too. Get that sleep you been cryin’ ‘bout.” He’s right. I should go. As much as I wanna stay back and talk to that girl and look at her imaginin’ her naked, she’s workin’ and I ain’t no creeper. 

I slide off the stool, pull some cash out of my wallet and set it down on the bar. That girl, she’s talkin’ to them other people now but I can tell she’s distracted cause she keeps lookin’ back over at me. Finally, she’s walkin’ toward us. 

“Chase, right?” Mike grins, “Beautiful name.” 

She laughs, “Why thank you.” She’s lookin’ at me and I hand her back her phone, “Thanks for helping me figure that app out. I’m so technologically challenged.” 

“Anytime.” I nod and I feel myself smile just a little and I can’t help it, “We gotta get goin’. Early day tomorrow.”

“Aww you’re leaving?” She asks, pushing the hair from her face. She ain’t smilin’ no more and she makes a sad face at me, “Can I make you stay for one more drink?”

“One drink for me will turn into 5.” At least I’m bein’ honest, “I’mma be back. When you workin’ next?”

“Oh alright..” She rolls her eyes grinnin’ with her hands on them curvy hips, “I’m not here tomorrow. Come see me Tuesday.”

“Oh, we gon’ be back alright!” Mike’s cheesin’ like a kid.

I shake my head and drag him out of the bar, turnin’ back to look at her one more time and she’s still lookin’ at me. She’s wavin’ and lookin’ all sad and I feel bad leavin’ her but I gotta. Even though I could sit there at that bar and stare at her all night. I say bye to Mike and we get in our trucks and drive home. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

I’m tryin’ to sleep but it ain’t comin’. Tryin’ to watch some TV but I can’t pay attention. I’m sittin’ on the couch eatin’ a cheeseburger thinkin’ ‘bout that girl. Can’t get them eyes and that smile out my head and it’s killin’ me how bad I wanna fuck her. I ain’t never seen a girl that made my dick hard just lookin’ at her like she does. I ain’t never seen a girl wear a pair of black pants like she does. Just thinkin’ ‘bout that perfect ass and them perfect little tits had me goin’. 

“Fuck.. get a grip.” I talk to myself. She’s just a girl. But she ain’t though. Somethin’ different ‘bout her. Maybe I’m wrong, but it felt like she was lookin’ at me maybe thinkin’ the same thoughts I was thinkin’. I pick up my phone and go to text her. I’m typin’ somethin’ to say but it’s soundin’ stupid so I delete it and try again. ‘Nice meetin’ you tonight..’ Nah.. even that sounds stupid. Fuck this. I put the phone down and put on a movie. Tombstone. Fuckin’ love this movie.

I wake up on my couch and the DVD is stuck on the menu screen replayin’ over and over. I don’t remember fallin’ asleep but my damn arm is numb from layin’ on it for too long. I sit up and shake it out. Hate that feelin’. I stretch and reach for my phone. A new text message.That girl, Chase.. I feel my skin get hot and I read it.

‘Daryl Dixon..I’d like to take you up on that offer you made about driving me home. Get off at 2. No pressure..’

All of a sudden I’m wide awake and kinda mad cause it’s only 12:30 and I gotta wait a whole hour and a half to see her. I start to text back:

‘Happy to give you a ride. Be there at 2.’

I’m readin’ the damn stupid thing back to myself ‘bout 20 times wonderin’ if I should add a smiley face emoji. Fuckin’.. Smiley face emoji? What the fuck am I a 12 year old girl? Jesus, Daryl.. I’m shakin’ my head at myself then I hit send and it’s done. She must be lookin’ right at her phone cause a few seconds later she texts back:

‘Fucking awesome :) :) :)’

I’m feelin’ kinda nervous and I don’t know why. Like I said, never get nervous over no girl. Ain’t really tryin’ to have her see me in the same stupid clothes I was wearin’ so I take it off and jump in the shower. When I’m good and clean I get out, dry off and realize I ain’t done laundry and all I got to wear is that same pair of jeans and a fuckin’ black motorhead tee shirt. Since I ain’t got no hair dryer I try my best to get the water out with a towel. Throw some deodorant on and I’m done. Shit, maybe I should put some cologne on too so I smell good. But I ain’t tryin’ to have her think I did all that to impress her even though that’s exactly what I’m doin’ so I skip on that. I brush my teeth and rinse some with mouthwash just in case. I’m lookin’ at myself in the bathroom mirror and I ain’t lookin’ so bad. Damn it’s only 1 o’clock and I start to get all anxious. I grab my phone, smokes, wallet and keys and head on out the door, down the stairs. I lean against my truck and have a smoke to kill a few minutes so I don’t show up too early and seem like a fuckin’ loser. Merle is textin’ me again ‘bout nothin’ and I contemplate my pathetic life for a few minutes while havin’ a second smoke. Killin’ enough time for me to get in my truck and head over. So I do and I drive the few miles ‘cross town to Henley’s and it’s closed. I can see her in there with somebody else and I park, gettin’ out to have another smoke. 1:50 now and she’s walkin’ out of the bar by herself, lockin’ the door behind her then turnin’ ‘round smilin’ and wavin’ at me. 

“Hey.” She’s walkin’ over with them big brown eyes starin’ at me.

“What took you so long?” I finish my cig and toss it, blowin’ the smoke away from her and she gets my sarcasm.

“Ha Ha.” she’s scoffin’ and I open the door for her cause that’s what you do for a nice girl like that. She starts smilin’ that smile, “A true southern gentlemen, would you look at that!” I help her climb in cause she’s real small and I’m realizin’ real quick that I like touchin’ her.

I close the door and walk around to get in and she’s already wearin’ her seatbelt so I buckle mine and look at her lookin’ at me, “Where we goin’?”

“White Oaks Rd.”

“Hhmm you stayin’ over there? I know where that is.” I shift into drive and pull out, “I knew this kid. Lived in that little townhouse complex. 713 or somethin’.”

She’s laughin’, “That’s exactly where I live. Fucking small world huh?”

“Nah, it’s just Georgia.” I keep my eyes on the dark quiet road.

“Thank you for the ride. Very sweet of you.” She’s smilin’ and I feel her eyes on me but I just stare ahead.

“It’s nothin’, no worries.” We drive a bit more and don’t say too much and I can see why she would just walk home cause it’s so close we’re already here. Makin’ me wish she lived in South Carolina so I could drive her around longer. I pull in and stop the truck, shiftin’ into park.

“Wanna come in?” She’s lookin’ at me, them eyes even bigger.

Fuck yeah I wanna come in. My face gets all hot again and I look at her. She’s bitin’ her bottom lip and I wanna reach over and grab her. I’d be a fuckin’ stupid fuck to say no.

“My roommate isn’t here. She stays at her boyfriends place most of the time.. Come on.. Come in.” She takes her seatbelt off and leans over to unfasten mine, puttin’ her hand on my leg and I’m feelin’ all the blood in my body start rushin’ to my dick. Fuck what am I in middle school? I can’t be walkin’ ‘round with a goddamn boner.

“Alright.” So I park and we step out, walkin’ to her front door in the dim backwoods street. This place was right smack in the middle of nowhere. She opens up the door and turns the light on closin’ it back behind us.

“Make yourself comfortable. I’ll pour us some drinks.” She’s shufflin’ around and I’m checkin’ out the space. Nice couch they got. Lots of useless shit layin’ around though. Statues and inspirational quotes or whatever. 2 chicks definitely live here. I hear cabinets closin’ and glass clinkin’ comin’ from the kitchen for a few minutes before that girl walks out with a drink in each hand and a big pretty smile, “Yeah.. I am not responsible for all that shit. Here, Doll.”

I’m lookin’ down at her. Like way down. I’m lookin’ at her like where’d the rest of her go.. Damn she’s a slight little thing, “You got shorter or somethin’?”

“I took my boots off” she’s laughin’, “I’m way too short to live like this in real life so I wear high soled shoes during the day then become a hobbit after hours.” 

I take the drink and grin a little takin’ a sip, “Makin’ me feel tall.. This is good, what is it?”

“Some bullshit I made up” She’s laughin’ and she sits down on the couch, “Vodka, tequila.. Some other sweet shit.” she winks, “I’m good at what I do.. You don’t have to stand.. You can sit.”

I drink some more then sit on the end of the couch and she moves closer to me, puttin’ her drink down on the table and lookin’ at me, “Motorhead. Fucking sweet.”

“Knew you’d like ‘em. Got that motorhead vibe goin’.” I’m tryin’ to keep my cool but she’s sittin’ real close to me, facin’ me. She smells so fuckin’ delicious and I ain’t too sure I know what else to say. All I can think ‘bout is how bad I wanna eat her pussy. Wanna see how pretty I know it is and breathe it all in.

I’m lookin’ at her and she’s lookin’ at me with a serious face, bitin’ on that lip again like she wants somethin’ from me. I sure as hell want somethin’ from her but I ain’t sure if I’m even readin’ the signs right. Don’t know if I should make the first move cause maybe she’s just a flirt and a cocktease. I ain’t tryin’ to offend nobody.

She sighs and picks up her drink again, chuggin’ it then puttin’ it back down. She’s lookin’ at me like she got somethin’ to say but she’s not sayin’ anythin’ and I ain’t never felt sexual tension like this with no girl in my whole fuckin’ life. My dick is gettin’ hard and I ain’t gonna be able to hide it so I put my drink down and take a chance at touchin’ on her leg and she’s likin’ it cause she slides closer to me and starts to rub my dick through my jeans. 

I stop thinkin’ ‘bout what I should and shouldn’t be doin’ and I start to kiss her and she’s kissin’ me back hard. Them fuckin’ lips and that tongue pressin’ against mine, explorin’ and for once, I’m kissin’ a girl and it ain’t awkward. It’s really good. She’s already moanin’ some into my mouth and I’m pullin’ her shirt up cause I gotta get her outta them fuckin’ clothes so I can really see how sexy she is. I slip that tank top she was wearin’ over her head and she’s kissin’ and bitin’ on my neck while I’m unhookin’ her red lacey bra. Them tattoos really turnin’ me on the more I’m seein’ the rest of her and I’m feelin’ like a hungry animal ready to tear into it’s last meal cause this fuckin’ girl is a gun to my head and fuckin’ her is pullin’ the trigger. We’re both breathin’ heavy and grabbin’ on each other and she’s likin’ the way I taste cause she keeps lickin’ and bitin’ on me. Her tits are the most perfect little tits I ever seen. They feel so good in my hands and I’m admirin’ every little inch of her skin. She got a few freckles on her face and her chest and I think they look so cute. Them nipples are hard and beggin’ to be sucked on so I wrap my mouth around each of ‘em and tease ‘em with my tongue while I hold ‘em between my teeth. First the left one then the right. She’s moanin’ and squirmin’ and grabbin’ all in my hair and I can’t keep my hands off her. She got the softest most delicious skin and I wanna run my tongue over every single inch of her and then some.

“I want you so fucking bad..” she’s whisperin’ and breathin’ in my ear, “Let’s go to my room”

Her voice is so goddamn hot and I’m harder than a role of fuckin’ quarters. She can talk all she wants if she’s gonna be soundin’ like that. I grab her light little body up and carry her. She’s gigglin’ and kissin’ on me leadin’ me to her room and I feel like I just won the fuckin’ Mega Million cause she’s gonna let me fuck her. Her room is dark but I wanna see her so I turn on the light and close the door before layin’ her down. I get rid of my shirt, my shoes and my jeans real quick before climbin’ over her and kissin’ on her. She’s feelin’ me up while my tongue is in her mouth and she slides her hands over my scars remindin’ me that they exist and I’m hopin’ she don’t freak out or wanna talk ‘bout ‘em. But she don’t and instead she slips her hand inside my drawers and takes my dick in her hand and I almost lose it. Fuck, she’s strokin’ me and it feels like it’s the first time. I gotta get them damn pants off her cause I can feel the heat between her legs. I moan some cause what she’s doin’ to me feels too good and she bites on my bottom lip while I’m undoin’ them pants. I get off her so I can pull ‘em off and she’s got on a lacey red thong and she’s so fuckin’ wet it’s leakin’ right through. She spreads her legs and starts touchin’ herself and I just wanna watch for a minute. Her body is ridiculous. Like nothin’ I ain’t ever seen before. Her complexion and them tattoos. I wanna see that nice big ass swallowin’ up that thong so I flip her over and she like’s it cause she’s gigglin’ and perkin’ her ass up. Fuck, she’s sexy and for a second I start thinkin’ how the hell a girl like her could ever wanna fuck a guy like me.

So I’m runnin’ my hands over her hips and I lift her up a little so she’s on her knees cause I wanna taste her from behind. I start kissin’ on that round ass and squeezin’ on her. Her pussy lips swallowin’ the red lace and I’m hookin’ my finger under it slidin’ it off so I can see all of her. That fuckin’ girl don’t even know the things she’s doin’ to me without even touchin’ me. And I gotta take my time with this one. I spread her ass and run my tongue over her tight little asshole and she starts moanin’ again. But real soft and breathy and I’m quick to throw all that slow shit out the window cause now I’m buryin’ my face in her ass, lickin’ on it. She’s smellin’ and tastin’ too good to be true and I spend a few more seconds on her ass before I’m gettin’ my face all wet up with them sweet juices. Jammin’ my tongue as deep inside her pussy as it could go. She’s makin’ all kindsa sexy noises and I’m slidin’ my fingers over her slick pink lips rubbin’ on her clit. I’m fuckin’ lovin’ tastin’ her and eatin’ her like this but I wanna see more so I give her ass a slap and it’s like she fuckin’ knows exactly what I’m wantin’ to do cause she flips right over and spreads them sexy little legs for me real wide. She got the prettiest parts and I’m feelin’ like I’m gonna cum all over myself just lookin’ at her. I start lickin’ and suckin’ on her clit and it’s drivin’ her crazy. I slip a finger inside of her and she’s so fuckin’ tight, warm and wet I can’t wait to feel her squeezin’ around my dick. I got 2 fingers in her now and she’s buckin’ them hips into me and whimperin’. I’m lookin’ up at her with my tongue flickin’ that little clit and she’s lookin’ at me with her pretty mouth hung open like she fuckin’ loves it. Like she needs it. She throws her head back, pantin’ and grindin’ her pussy against my mouth.

“I wanna ride your fucking face.” she’s breathin’ heavy and them big brown eyes are full with lust. I ain’t gonna say no and she’s sittin’ up grabbin’ me and throwin’ me down on the bed makin’ me want her even more than I already do.

She’s climbin’ on me and she lowers that little body down smotherin’ me with that lethal weapon she got between her thighs and I forget ‘bout breathin’ cause she tastes so good and I’m lickin’ and suckin’ on her. She’s ridin’ my face and crawlin’ the rest of her down my body grabbin’ on my dick and pullin’ down my boxer briefs. She’s sayin’ somethin’ dirty but I ain’t really hearin’ it cause her pussy is all over my face. Then she starts suckin’ on me and I’m tryin’ so hard to hold my shit together and not cum before I get the chance to bang her but she got me turned all the way on with them things we’re doin’. Fuck.. she’s suckin’ my dick like a pornstar, smackin’ it against her face and spittin’ on it. I give her ass a smack and she’s gigglin’ climbin’ off me with her cheeks all flushed and her skin shiny with sweat. That long dark hair she got all over the place and stickin’ to her. She jumps on me and starts to lick my lips, kissin’ on me, tastin’ herself. I’m wantin’ her to suck my dick some more and I swear that girl can read my mind cause she starts kissin’ and bitin’ all down my chest and stomach, spreadin’ my legs some so she can get between’ ‘em takin’ me in her pretty little mouth again. She’s playin’ with my balls and slappin’ the swelled pink head of my dick against her tongue. I musta done somethin’ good to deserve this cause she’s givin’ me one fuckin’ hell of a blow job and she’s starin’ right up at me makin’ sure I see everythin’ she’s doin’. That girl is a force of nature. I swear she ain’t even real and I’m dreamin’ all this shit up. Gotta be.

“Love a big fucking meaty cock” she says breakin’ for air, runnin’ her tongue up and down my shaft. Seein’ her and hearin’ her is makin’ me close to cummin’. I sit up runnin’ my hand down her back and she gives one last good suck before fallin’ back onto the bed and touchin’ herself.

“How do you want me?” she’s squirmin’.

“Turn around.” I tell her and she listens, gettin’ on all fours for me. I should be puttin’ on a rubber but I don’t want to with her. And if she ain’t sayin’ nothin’ then fuck it. If my dick falls off tomorrow it’d be worth it. 

She turns her head to look back at me, flippin’ that hair and bitin’ that bottom lip and I gotta get me one more lick of that pussy first. I softly bite her right ass cheek and tongue her pink hole a little before rubbin’ my dick against that pretty wet slice, “So wet..” 

I slide in her slowly makin’ her gasp and moan. Givin’ her a chance to get used to me cause she’s real small and I ain’t tryin’ to hurt her. She’s so fuckin’ tight, I almost cum as soon as I get the tip in but I’m holdin’ on as best as I can. She’s wigglin’ her ass and makin’ them little noises and I’m pushin’ myself in all the way, my balls hittin’ against her pussy while I’m fuckin’ her. I grab on her hips and slam into her watchin’ that ass shake, lovin’ the way her little pink pussy is lookin’ swallowin’ my cock from behind. She’s moanin’ louder and buryin’ her face in her pillow and I’m puttin’ it on that girl real good. I love the sounds her ass makes when I’m poundin’ her this deep. Straight flesh smackin’ against flesh. Fuck, she feels so fuckin’ amazin’ I could cry.

“Ooohh, fuck..Uuuhh” she yelps and I’m afraid I’m hurtin’ her so I slow down a little. I want her to cum. I lean over wrappin’ my arms around her and pull her up, she’s breathin’ real heavy and grindin’ herself back into me. I’m kissin’ on her neck and she’s likin’ it. 

“Want me on top?” she whispers.

“Wantin’ you every way I can get ya..” I say against her neck and kiss on her some more before she takes control again and throws me down. I’m likin’ that a lot ‘bout her. Fuckin’ so damn hot.

She climbs on top and grabs my wet dick guidin’ me to her freshly fucked hole. She slams down on me completely swallowin’ every inch and I’m back tryin’ to not cum inside her. We’re both moanin’ and breathin’ heavy and she’s ridin’ my cock like her life depends on it. She leans back grabbin’ onto my legs grindin’ them Puerto Rican hips, dancin’ on me. I’m watchin’ my dick move inside her while them titties are bouncin’. She’s fuckin’ the shit outta me and I’m ‘bout to explode. But I can’t cause I wanna make her feel good too so I sit up some and get to rubbin’ on her clit and she’s cryin’ out even louder from what I’m doin’ to her so I spread her lips a little wider, pullin’ back the hood and keep on. 

“Yes! God, yes! Don’t fucking stop!” she’s shakin’ and throwin’ her head back and I’m not stoppin’ until she cums. Her legs spread wider and she’s grabbin’ on my shoulders now holdin’ on for dear life, every inch of my dick buried inside of her. I’m keepin’ on with what I’m doin’ and then she cries out, “I’m gonna cum..”

And I keep it up until she’s convulsing on top of me and hollerin’ that she’s cummin’ and I can feel her pussy squeezin’ and releasin’ around me. She collapses all over me tryin’ to catch her breath, lookin’ at me like I just did somethin’ she wasn’t used to. Like she had just witnessed some kinda miracle between them thighs. She’s touchin’ my face and pushin’ my hair away from my eyes and I’m layin’ her down on the bed to tear her apart.

I spread her and waste no time fuckin’ her again, holdin’ onto her waist so she ain’t goin’ nowhere and I’m poundin’ her. Her pussy is even wetter and she’s moanin’ tellin’ me to fuck her harder and I’m doin’ what she says. 

“Cum on my tits, Baby” she’s propped up on her elbows, watchin’ me destroy her pussy like it’s the most beautiful thing she ever seen and I’m feelin’ my orgasm start to rip through me. I fuck her real hard for another few seconds and then I pull out, jerkin’ it, cummin’ all over them perfect tits. 

She’s lookin’ at me all flushed and smilin’ all shy. Got me feelin’ kinda shy now too and I’m not too sure what to say. But holy shit what a fuck. Best sex I ever had. 

She points to a towel hangin’ over a chair, “Can you pass me that?” 

So I grab it and hand it to her and she cleans herself and tosses it on the floor. “You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to, Daryl Dixon.”

“You could call me Daryl.” I laugh, “Ain’t gotta say my whole name every time.”

“I like your whole name.”

I don’t think I wanna leave her. But I ain’t too sure what I want right now. All I know is that fuckin’ girl got me goin’ and I’m gonna be wantin’ more of her. Just thinkin’ ‘bout it is makin’ me want to go down on her again. I grab my boxer briefs up off the floor and put ‘em on, still sportin’ a boner, “What time is it?”

“3:30. Fuck you gotta be at work in a few hours.” She pouts, “I’m sorry I made you come out so late.”

“Are ya?” I sit on the bed, lookin’ at her and she’s starin’ right into my eyes.

“No.” she smirks, “What are you doin’ after work?”

I laugh, “I haven’t thought that far out yet. I should sleep, but I’m sure I’m not gonna.”

“Well, I’m free.. Wanna hang out?” Them wide eyes again.

I look down at my hands then back at her, “I guess I ain’t got nothin’ else to do.”

She’s shootin’ me a stank face but she knows I’m a sarcastic asshole so she gets it and that smile comes out again and she’s pullin’ the sheets up to cover herself, “Come to bed. Take a well deserved nap before shitty work. Which is… what again?”

“I’m a mechanic. Nothin’ special.”

“Hhmmm… So a mechanic walks into a bar and the bartender bums a loosey off of him...Then a few hours later, he’s eating her ass” She laughs, “Don’t mind me..Just thinking out loud.”

“I don’t mind you. Not at all.” 

She’s lookin’ at me like I just said somethin’ real sweet and made her feel good, “So... if you’re not leaving….come lay around with me.”

I don't wanna leave so I don't. And I get in the bed with her but she ain't lettin' me sleep and I'm not mindin'. So we fuck some more until we both go limp and pass out.


	3. Since I Got Nothin' Better To Do

I’m half sleepin’ drivin’ like a bat out of hell and Mike is callin’ me for the third fuckin’ time in all of 60 seconds, “Hey! Be there in 5 minutes.. I uh.. Overslept..”

“Had me thinkin’ you were held up somewhere or dead in a damn ditch!” Mike’s tryin’ not to yell but it ain’t workin’ and it’s givin’ me anxiety. That, bein’ over an hour late to work and this fuckin’ sun blindin’ me ain’t helpin’ none neither. Where the fuck did I put my sunglasses? I stick the phone between my ear and my shoulder so I'm hands free then reach around for my shades, droppin’ my damn cell phone on the floor.

“Fuck!” I bang on the steerin’ wheel and can hear Mike’s loud ass screamin’ from under the seat. Just then some douchebag in a piece of shit Mustang cuts me off and I stick my arm out the window to flip him off, “Go fuck yourself ya prick! Shit, Mike! Just hang up! I’m comin’!” Anndd I think my phone just died. 

I guess that’s how life works cause you can’t be havin’ the best things happenin’ to ya without the worst things drop kickin’ them nuts in right after. Straight reality check. But I ain’t never late to work. Never. And I damn near been workin’ 7 days a week pickin’ up extra shifts. Plus I’m the best damn worker TJ even got, no offense to good ol’ Mike. So I messed up this one fuckin’ time. Big deal. 

Finally I pull my truck in the lot and grab my shit and run inside to clock in. I grab my coveralls out the locker and change right quick before runnin’ over to look over the schedule. Mike runs up to me and I shake my head at him not to bring no attention to me. But he does and TJ is hollerin’ across the shop.

“Dixon! In my office, now!” he’s screamin’. 

I look at Mike and hum a few choice words under my breath handin’ him my iphone, “Plug this thing in for me?”

“I gotcha, D.” Mike’s givin’ me a look like I only got a few minutes to live and he’s feelin’ some kinda way ‘bout it. I grab some water and chug it then throw some on my face before headin’ over to TJ’s office.

“Mornin’.” I say steppin’ in. TJ is sittin’ there lookin’ me up and down with his T-Rex arms crossed over his chest. He got an angry look on his face but it ain’t nothin’ new.

“Mornin’? You realize how late ya are? No fuckin’ phone call.. No text.. No goddamn raven with a note attached to ‘em..”

“I had a really rough night. Some personal things and -”

“I ain’t really in the business a givin’ a shit, Dixon. Don’t be pullin’ no shit like this again, ya hear? And yesterday, you were a damn zombie half awake. So this is strike 2 this week, son.”

“With all due respect, this is my first time late since I started. I ain’t no kid and you ain’t needin’ to be talkin’ to me like that. I’m a grown man. I work my ass off in this place for you. I messed up for the first time in 4 years. I don’t think I deserve how you treatin’ me.”

“You got some balls on you, Dixon.” he’s lookin’ at me like he’s wantin’ to hit me and I swear to God I wish he fuckin’ would. I’m lookin’ at him right back cause he ain’t shit, “Go on, get to work.”

I bite the inside of my bottom lip and nod, walkin’ out clenchin’ my fists. Mike’s peekin’ out from the lift and jumps up when he sees me, “I would beat the livin’ shit out of ‘em if I didn’t need this fuckin’ job.”

“Eh, his old lady ain’t fuckin’ ‘em so he got a spiked dildo up his ass ‘bout it.” Mike is talkin’ lower than he ever has and I laugh at what he’s sayin’. He pats me on the back, “Don’t stress it, it’s gonna boil over.”

“Them 2 bikes we got today, I’mma take ‘em. Time consumin’ fixes. I need to keep busy today. Cool?”

“You better at them motorcycles than me, so I ain’t complainin’!” Mike laughs and we both get to work. 

And I’m havin’ a hard time thinkin’ ‘bout anythin’ other than that girl. Chase Sanchez. I’m gonna see her later and I hate to admit it but I can’t wait. I can still smell her. And when I lick my lips I swear I’m tastin’ her. That fuckin’ girl got me really wantin’ to see her again and I literally just left her place. But she was sleepin’ and I didn’t wanna wake her so I left a note on the pillow that said:

 

‘Had to leave for work and I didn’t wanna wake you. Had a great time with you keepin’ me up all night.  
Since I got nothin’ better to do, I guess I’mma be seein’ you again later.

-Daryl Dixon’

 

I imagine her readin’ it when she wakes up and smilin’ that smile of hers. Laughin’ a little too. Maybe she’s gonna be thinkin’ ‘bout me all day like I’m gonna be thinkin’ ‘bout her. Then I remember I ain’t even known her for 24 full hours yet and I’m gettin’ way ahead of myself. We spent time together but only 10 minutes of it we spent talkin’. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout her cause she makes me cum. That’s it. I ain’t the type to go fallin’ in love. 

I’m workin’ on them bikes and time is flyin’ by. Just a few more hours left and I tell Mike I’m gonna take a break to eat somethin’ and smoke. I unplug my phone and it’s charged up so I head out checkin’ to see if maybe she texted me ‘bout the note I left and she did. She said:

‘Daryl Dixon! I was out cold and didn’t hear you leave lol and why would you have anything better to do? There’s NOTHING better than hanging out with me.. But you know that shit. So hurry up and get outta work so we can eat ice cream or something. :):):)’

So I text her back:

‘Crazy day today. Tell you bout it later if you give a shit.. On lunch bout to eat but I dunno what. Hungry from all the workin out we did..’

I send it and get in my truck. Probably just gonna hit up Cookout for some chicken nuggets or somethin’. I light a smoke and put the key in the ignition and my phone sounds so I check it cause it’s probably her. And it is:

‘Come over, I’ll feed you.’

Then another one from her right after:

‘JK, I can’t cook for shit and I got nothing but booze LOL’

I take a pull from my cig and leave it hangin’ from my lips and I respond:

‘Damn. Well, maybe we could grab some food later then. On me. Gonna run home to take a shower real quick when I get outta here then I’mma get you.’

She’s real quick with them little painted fingers cause I get a text from her some seconds later:

‘Fanfuckingtastic. Text when you’re on your way. And I like Mexican food so think up a good spot;)’

One more text and I gotta make moves cause I’m just sittin’ here in my truck wastin’ time:

‘Of course you like Mexican, Maria.’

And I throw my phone on the passenger seat and get goin’. One thing I’m noticin’ ‘bout that girl is she’s real easy to talk to. I ain’t too good at talkin’ to people, ‘specially ladies so it’s nice that we can get along like that. And she don’t take shit personally. At least not yet. But like I said, I ain’t good at this. So I end up goin’ to Cookout and gettin’ nuggets and fries, skippin’ on the milkshake cause maybe I can take Chase to get ice cream like she said. I know I should just scale back on the thinkin’ but it’s kinda nice to have somethin’ to look forward to for once.

When I get back to the shop, I bust out that last bike job and before I know it, it’s time to clock the fuck out. I change out my coveralls and grab up the few things in my locker cause I have no clean clothes back home. I clock out and Mike is grinnin’ by the door and I look at him shakin’ my head, “Can’t. Got plans.” He ain’t gotta say nothin’ cause I know what he’s gonna say.

“You got plans?” He laughs.

“The fucks so funny?”

“Sleepin’ ain’t countin’ as plans, ya know.” He’s grabbin’ my shoulders again, “We goin’ to Henley’s again cause they got them hot bartenders. Shawn said that one from last night with all them tattoos ain’t the only one and the big titty blonde is workin’ tonight!”

“I ain’t into big titty blondes.”

“Since fuckin’ when?! You fucked one the other night! You must be tired as fuck cause you ain’t makin’ no sense. I’m tryin’ to get laid tonight!” he’s carryin’ on and at this point, it’s like he’s readin’ off a script cause it’s the same ol’ shit comin’ out his mouth.

“You tryin’ to get laid every night, Mike.” I laugh, “I really gotta go. We could hit up Henley’s tomorrow if you want.” Cause she’ll be there.

“I mean I’mma be there all week so you just let me know when you done bein’ a old man and ready to get your dick wet up!” He squeezes my damn shoulders like he’s tryin’ to give a massage and I jump the fuck away.

“You like touchin’ me don’t you?” I sneer. 

“Get the fuck on, man! I’ll see you in the mornin’ but don’t be late!”

“Yeah..” I flip him off as I walk out and head for my truck makin’ my way home.

I waste no time gettin’ myself showered and ready. This time I put on a little cologne so I smell good. Some Burberry shit that I got. I ain’t got too much to wear so I throw on the shirt that was in my locker cause it’s clean and it’s passable. Plain dark blue tee shirt and some jeans. I’m lookin’ at myself in the mirror and I think it’s time I got some more stuff to wear. Just in case I find myself takin’ a lady out. I text her to let her know I’m on my way and she says she’s gonna be waitin’ outside. Hmmmm… I’m thinkin’ I might wanna ride my bike:

‘Thinkin’ ‘bout pickin’ you up on my bike. You good with that?’

She texts back:

‘Bike? You mean.. Motorcycle?????’

So many question marks..I shake my head and respond:

‘Nah, my pink and purple Huffy..’

But before I could hit send, she’s already textin’:

‘Of fucking course you ride a motorcycle to match that big cock.. Fuck yeah I’m good with that. Just get your ass over here, I’m hungry ;)’

She’s nuts. I grab an extra helmet and get goin’. I feel more confident when I’m ridin’. Feelin’ more like myself than when I’m doin’ anythin’ else. It don’t take me too long to get to White Oaks Rd and she’s standin’ outside lookin’ even prettier than she did yesterday. She got on a pair of tight black jeans with holes in the knees and a white loose fittin’ tank top with a sexy black bra thing showin’. Got them big ass shoes on too makin’ her look taller and she got on a black jacket. I unhook the other helmet holdin’ it out for her to take it and put it on. She’s walkin’ up to me grinnin’ with those white teeth.

“My panties just disintegrated.” She takes the helmet and I help her put it on.

“Stop.” I shake my head, “Get on.”

I help her climb on and she says this is her first time on a bike ever. So I gotta pop her cherry right and make her wanna get a bike of her own. And if that happens, I’m in trouble cause I’m thinkin’ I ain’t gonna be able to handle all that. She’s holdin’ onto me and it’s feelin’ real nice. I’m revvin’ the engine some cause I know she’s likin’ it and then we’re off. She says she likes to eat Mexican food so I’mma take her to this nice place that has the best margaritas cause her and Jose are good friends. She’s sayin’ somethin’ but I can’t really hear her and she’s squeezin’ on me tighter. I’m makin’ sure I ain’t ridin’ too fast cause I ain’t tryin’ to scare her.

I pull in the small lot right in front of the place and we stop. I can tell she got a lot to say so I shut off the engine and pop the kickstand and she’s yappin’.

“Daryl.. Dixon.. I think I pissed myself.” She’s gigglin’ all excited like, climbin’ off and givin’ me the helmet. 

“Havin’ fun?” I’m takin’ my helmet off and securin’ my bike. She’s got lots of energy and she’s on a ridin’ high, I could tell. 

“Let’s go a little faster later.. I wanna see what this baby can do..” She’s touchin’ the handle bars and lookin’ at me.

“Alright.. But if you end up really pissin’ yourself, you asked for it.” 

She’s readin’ the sign and lookin’ around, “Lupita’s Restaurant and Tequila Bar.”

“We could sit outside if you want.” I always like to sit outside cause it’s less noisy and I can keep an eye on my bike. But I don’t come here too often cause I ain’t got nobody to sit and have dinner with.

“Awesome.” She’s smilin’ and I’m openin’ doors for her cause she deserves it. I ask the waitress for an outside table and she seats us. It ain’t too crowded but there are people eatin’ and drinkin’ at the bar. That girl seems like she’s happy with how I’m treatin’ her and where I’m takin’ her so far. She’s lookin’ at the menu with a smile on her face, then she looks at me, “I’m definitely getting a margarita but we are doing a Cuervo shot as well.” And she ain’t askin’ me, she’s tellin’ me, “Ohh and nachos!”

I realize that I’m just watchin’ her readin’ that menu and I’m smilin’ cause she’s so cute and got this innocence ‘bout her. She ain’t stuck up or worried ‘bout gettin’ a little dirty and I’m takin’ a whole lotta likin’ to that. Every other word from her mouth is ‘Fuck’ and I like that too. She’s a little crazy but I don’t mind.

“What are you getting?” She’s askin’ me as the waitress comes over bringin’ us water and I really didn’t look at the menu cause I’m too busy starin’ at her.

“Tacos, probably. They got good ones here.”

She looks up at me, “That’s it? Just a few tacos? I refuse to eat more than you..” she laughs, “You have to have a margarita with me.”

The waitress is smilin’ at us and askin’ us if we want 2 margaritas to start. I tell her yeah and 2 shots of Cuervo and an order of nachos. So she goes to get ‘em and Chase takes her jacket off hangin’ it on the back of the chair. 

“I bet you get a lotta people askin’ ‘bout them tattoos.” I’m drinkin’ my water, lookin’ at her arms.

She runs her hands all over herself, “I’m used to it. But when I’m having a bad day I wanna tell them to fuck off and get a damn life. Stupid fucking questions and I’m like, what the fuck do you care what I’m gonna look like when I’m 80?”

“People suck. Fuck ‘em. Always in everybody else’s shit”

“You have tattoos too..” She’s grinnin’ at me and I remember that she saw me naked and I chug my water some.

I change the subject and I’m not sure why, “You know what you’re gettin’?” 

“I kinda want everything” she laughs, “But I think I’m gonna do the steak quesadilla cause you can never go wrong with that.”

“Get everything then. Get whatever you want.” I shrug cause I like a girl that eats. And the way her body is lookin’ it’s like whatever she’s eatin’ is goin’ straight to her ass. And I’m likin’ that.

She’s gigglin’ and playin’ with her long brown hair, “I think I’ll start with the quesadilla and see how fat I feel.” 

“Girls always worryin’ ‘bout fat. Who cares.” 

“You work out. I can tell.” She’s sittin’ back in her chair with her legs crossed. The waitress comes over with the shots and the margaritas in them cactus lookin’ glasses and asks if we’re ready to order so Chase tells her she wants that Quesadilla and I’mma take a few tacos, with whatever kinda meat they got. She’s sayin’ nachos are comin’ right up.

“So do you?” Chase is sippin’ her margarita.

“Do I what?” 

“Work out?” 

“When I can. I’m not no health freak though. I really only work out cause it helps with my stress and shit. I get angry sometimes and it helps with that. Helps with headaches too.”

“Well it’s paying off aesthetically.” She’s sippin’, “Let’s take these shots!”

We pick up the Cuervo and she ain’t even reachin’ for limes. She sips a little cause it’s overflowin’ then holds it up, “To the new adventures of Mechanic and Bartender!”

I’m shakin’ my head and we take ‘em down right in time for the nachos. The waitress goes ahead and takes away the empty shot glasses.

“You work out?” I’m askin’ but I think she don’t ever have to for lookin’ good cause she just naturally does that.

She laughs, “Not really. But I know I need to start cause I’m not getting any younger and gravity is starting to pull on my ass.”

“Your ass is perfect.” I blurt out and feel kinda stupid and I don’t know why.

She’s blushin’ a little goin’ for the nacho with the most cheese on it. I’m tryin’ not to stare at her while she eats but she’s lookin’ damn cute.

“Tell me something about yourself. What do you like to do? What’s your favorite food? Do you live alone? Have any siblings? Favorite place you’ve ever visited?” She’s askin’ all these questions at once and I ain’t too prepared to answer ‘em.

“Uhh.. what?” 

She’s gigglin’, “Sorry.. I’m just eager to learn about you. You intrigue me.”

“I promise you, I ain’t - I mean, there ain’t too much ‘bout me you’d be intrigued by.” I’m tryin’ not to talk with a mouthful of nachos.

“Seriously, what are your fave things to do? And do you live alone?” She’s pressin’.

“Uuhh.. I... “ I pause cause I don’t like talkin ‘bout myself and I ain’t used to doin’ it, “I like to ride. Hunt..” I’m thinkin’ but I got nothin’ else to say, “I live alone now.. Was livin’ with my older brother but he’s got issues so I moved out.”

“Do you have any other siblings?”

“Nope. What about you? Tell me somethin’ ‘bout you.” I just wanna talk ‘bout her. Not me.

“I got an older brother too. He’s huge” she laughs, “ really tall and built. He’s pretty much perfection and got great grades and went to college and shit and I’m a mess. I’m hispanic so I have a huge family but they’re mostly all screwed up on drugs and or alcohol. It’s really sad. My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is emotionally damaged. So.. the apple hasn’t fell far the tree, I guess.” She pauses, “I lived alone in New York since I was 19. My mom misses me and.. The sad thing is.. I just don’t care… I was born emotionally detached and I don’t know why. And so.. I was meant to be alone and I prefer it that way.”

“That why you moved?”

“Yeah. Pretty much. So there’s not much going here, you say.. And I say good cause I don’t really wanna do anything.” She’s drinkin’ her margarita.

“My brother’s a junkie. I get it. I got no family. I don’t care neither.” I’m lookin’ at her and she’s lookin’ at me and I’m feelin’ like we understand each other. Nobody understands me but I think she just might, “let’s get another shot. Fuck it.”

“Let’s.” 

The waitress brings the food over and I tell her to bring us 2 more shots of Jose. Chase is tellin’ me ‘bout New York City and how crazy different it is than anywhere else in the world. She’s sayin’ if I hate people then maybe I better stay away and she’s laughin’ cause she hates everyone too. We take them 2 shots and eat and talk ‘bout stupid shit and laugh a little then she has this idea that we should take more shots so we do. The sun went down and we’ve been here for some time now but I ain’t at all ready to go home.

“Wait, what? You mean to tell me, you never left Georgia?” Them big brown eyes are even bigger and she’s starin’ at me like I got somethin’ wrong with me, “How old are you?”

“39.. and Never.” I’m drinkin’ my third margarita and feelin’ like maybe all this sweet and sour shit is gettin’ to me.

“You’re sooo not fuckin’ 39!! No fuckin’ way are you pushin’ 40! You’re like 10 years older than me?”

“Is that a bad thing?” I’m hopin’ it ain’t but I understand if it is. And she ain’t my first younger girl. Most of ‘em are.

“So fuckin’ far from a bad thing.. You just don’t even know..” She’s bitin’ her lip and grinnin’.Then she starts to shake her head and get all serious, “Let’s go somewhere! Fuck that!” 

“Where you tryin’ to go?” 

She’s laughin’, “Wherever you wanna go! Let’s pop your travel cherry!”

“Alright. I’ll think ‘bout it and get back to ya” We stop talkin’ for a minute and start drinkin’ them damn margaritas.

And she’s lookin’ at me like she’s wantin’ to bite me, “Why are you so far away?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. I been sittin’ across from her the whole time in the same spot.

She moves her chair next to me and throws them little legs on my lap, holdin’ her margarita, “Better.” She starts touchin’ my hair, “Why are you fucking so hot?”

“What?”

“You heard me, Daryl Dixon.” She’s runnin’ her fingers through my hair and it’s makin’ me feel things.

“You gettin’ smashed ain’t ya?” I laugh but my face is so hot and I’m tryin’ not to turn all red.

“Just feeling really, really nice.” She’s pushin’ my hair back behind my ears and lookin’ at me, “I like hanging out with you.”

“I like hangin’ out with you too.” but I don’t know how I feel ‘bout her lookin’ at my face up close like that cause I ain’t the best lookin’ guy. I look like my father. And he’s the biggest piece of shit ever got shitted out.

“I like your ears.” She’s touchin’ on my ears now.

I gotta change the subject cause I’m feelin’ kinda weird, “Said you workin’ on gettin’ a car. I could help. Cars and bikes are pretty much my life.”

“I appreciate it.” her voice is real soft and she’s not catchin’ on cause she’s still touchin’ me and gazin’ at me. She got a smirk on like she knows she’s makin’ me feel kinda uncomfortable but likes it.

She grabs the back of my head and pulls me to her, kissin’ me and I start kissin’ her back, takin’ that margarita out her hand and puttin’ it down and we start makin’ out right there. I don’t give a fuck who’s lookin’ neither and I’m thinkin’ I wanna take her to my place and kiss on her in my bed. Cause she started somethin’ and I wanna finish. And like usual with her, she’s readin’ my mind cause she stops kissin’ me and whispers in my ear, “Let’s get outta here.”

So I get the waitress’ attention and settle the bill and she’s gigglin’ and hangin’ all over me the whole way to my bike. People are lookin’ at us and I ain’t gonna lie, I like them seein’ me with her knowin’ that a girl like that is with a guy like me.

“You good to ride or you need a few minutes?” I look at her tryin’ to make sure she ain’t too drunk to hold on, “ I don’t want you fallin’ off.”

“Trust me, I’m not falling off.. And go fast” She’s squeezin’ my arm and I’mma take her word for it. 

We get ourselves on the bike and then we go. I’m goin’ as fast as I can without bein’ too reckless and I’m hopin’ my apartment isn’t too much of a mess. It ain’t too much longer til I’m pullin’ up in front of my place and helpin’ her off my bike. She’s smilin’ at me and grabbin’ onto me while we’re walkin’ up the stairs to my door. I open it and let her in first, turnin’ the light on and she starts lookin’ around my shitty space. I kinda don’t care as much ‘bout how plain and messy the shit looks cause I been drinkin’ some and I’m feelin’ good and loose.

“I ain’t got Cuervo but I got a few Heinekens and some Johnnie Walker. Better yet, some water or some lemonade.” I’m lookin’ in the fridge and she comes up behind me with her hand on my dick, wastin’ no time. I ain’t even gotta try with her cause she really just gives no fucks.

“I want you to fuck me, Daryl Dixon.” 

Fuck. I close the fridge and we start makin’ out like crazy, both of us tryin’ to get the other one naked as fast we can. I’m pullin’ on them jeans and she’s takin’ ‘em off, fightin’ with those huge boots she got on and it’s takin’ way too long so I pick her up and bend her over the side of the couch. Got my pants and shit down to my ankles and I pull them little panties down and slide my finger inside to make sure she’s ready. So fuckin’ wet. She’s already movin’ and beggin’ for it so I give the lady what she wants. I spread her and dive right in.

She’s breathin’ heavy and moanin’ lookin’ back at me as I’m fuckin’ her. Slammin’ into her balls deep and that ass is smackin’ against me shakin’, makin’ me give it to her harder. She feels so amazing it’s like nothin’ I’ve ever dealt with before. And I’m feelin’ like a better man when I’m inside her. I’m lovin’ the view of her bent over helpless like that, takin’ the poundin’ I’m givin’ her. I’m deep as hell in that pussy and she’s yelpin’ like it hurts but tellin’ me to fuck her harder so I do. I give her ass a good smack and grab her tiny waist. My hands look so big on her like that. Her skin is so soft and she’s so delicate I’m feelin’ bad for roughin’ her up but I ain’t prepared to stop cause it feels too damn good. I take my shirt off and toss it, wantin’ to get her naked too. I pull out of her and pick her up in my arms. She’s so light I could throw her around if I wanted to. And I do want to, so I take her to my room and throw her on the bed and she starts laughin’. I’m takin’ her boots and pants off while she’s gettin’ rid of the rest. I don’t turn the light on this time but I can see her against the dim light comin’ through from my window. God, she’s even more beautiful than I remember. She’s grabbin’ my face and pullin’ me on top of her, kissin’ me. Bitin’ on my lip and massagin’ her warm tongue with mine. Swappin’ spit with the hottest chick I ever seen. I slide my dick back inside and she wraps her legs around me. We’re kissin’ and I’m movin’ in and out of her. She’s so small on the inside her pussy’s squeezin’ on my cock and I’m tryin’ not to cum. I hold myself up on my knuckles and she’s lookin’ up at me, touchin’ my chest and my arms. We’re both breathin’ heavy and I can tell her heart is beatin’ just as fast as mine is. My hair is all over the place, coverin’ my eyes and she’s got her hands all in it, pushin’ it away from my face. She starts grindin’ her hips up into me and I’m losin’ control cause it feels so good. Fuck. I’m cummin’. I hurry and pull out and she’s runnin’ her hand up and down my dick makin’ me cum. I’m moanin’ and shootin’ my load all over her tight little body. I throw my head back for a second, then look down at her again.

“I wanna make you cum.” I say and I really do. I feel bad for lettin’ go so fast but I guess the alcohol made it harder for me to concentrate.

She’s lookin’ at me and smilin’, grabbin’ on her tits, “Don’t worry about me, I don’t need to cum every single time in order to get off. Plus I’m drunk. It ain’t gonna happen.”

Hmmm.. I get up and grab the tissues I use for when I jerk off and clean her. Least I could do. She shifts her body up higher on the bed and sits with her legs straight out. I got a weird thing for cute little feet on a lady so I start touchin’ on hers cause I just noticed how fuckin’ adorable they are. Fit right in my hands and she got them little toes painted just like her fingers. She starts laughin’ and shakin’ all crazy, kickin’ her feet but I ain’t quick to let go.

“Oh shit, That tickles!” I keep touchin’ on them little feet and she keeps laughin’. She’s pullin’ ‘em away from me and starts to tickle my ribs and under my arms, “How do you like it, huh?” she’s makin’ me laugh and I hate bein’ tickled but I deserve it.

“What the fuck, girl?” I’m tryin’ to find other spots to drive her crazy. And then I realize we’re fuckin’ drunk tickle wrestling each other on my bed like 2 fuckin’ morons.

She’s laughin’ so hard no sound is comin’ out no more, “I can’t breathe!” She’s still goin’. I got her pinned down on the bed now and she’s shakin’ her head gigglin’.

“You done?” I’m lookin’ down at her.

“Are you? Psycho!” 

I let her go and she’s playin’ with me smackin’ me away from her. We’re both sittin’ up facin’ each other and she’s still laughin’. Then her face goes blank and she’s lookin’ kinda pale, “I think I’m gonna blow chunks.”

“Seriously?” Fuck girl, don’t hurl in my bed. I pick her up and carry her to the bathroom, liftin’ up the seat and holdin’ her hair and she’s lettin’ it all out. I’m cringin’ as she’s throwin’ up Lupitas entire menu into my toilet. Damn.. I shouldn’ta made her laugh so hard.

“I’m so gross right now..” She’s tryin’ to talk but more is comin’ up and I’m afraid she’s gonna choke on it. I turn the faucet on and run the cold water touchin’ it and puttin’ my hand on her neck.

“You good?” I laugh a little as she gives a thumbs up, spittin’ in the toilet. I help her to the sink so she can wash up and I flush that shit down, “Jose, huh..”

“I told you we had history. Never said it was all good.” She’s all flushed and red and shiverin’. Poor thing. I take her in the living room and give her my shirt to put on and it’s like a dress on her. Fuck, she’s cute. She puts her hair up in a nest lookin’ thing on top of her head and sits down while I get her some water.

“Drink some” I hand it to her and she’s lookin’ at me with them eyes.

“Thanks, love.” 

I throw on some lounge pants and sit next to her. I start to laugh and I kinda feel bad for it. Then she’s laughin’ so I don’t feel as bad. 

“Wanna fuck me some more?”

I’m lookin’ at her like she’s crazy. Cause she kinda is but I like that ‘bout her, “You need to chill out for a little while. Drink more water and shit. I don’t need you dyin’ in my apartment cause with my luck, they’d throw my ass in jail thinkin’ I raped and killed ya.”

She’s sittin’ like a little girl, with her legs folded under her and that pineapple lookin’ hair on her head, “Wanna cuddle?”

“Cuddlin’ ain’t really my thing.” I look at her scratchin’ my head and she’s poutin’, “You got me kissin’ ya, which ain’t my thing neither. You don’t get both.”

“Ouch.” She’s smirkin’, “Don’t think by me asking to cuddle it means I’m gonna start falling in love with you and shit. I just want a warm body.”

I ain’t too sure what to say to that. And I ain’t too sure how it’s makin’ me feel. I don’t really know what the fuck I’m doin’ with her. I’m just doin’ it. A day ago I was just workin’ and comin’ home and dealin’ with Merle. All of a sudden I got this girl in my apartment that I don’t even really know and I’m feelin’ all confused ‘bout it. I don’t know what I want from her and I ain’t sure what it is that she really wants from me. Either she’s throwin’ mixed signals or I’m lookin’ way too fuckin’ much into this. This girl just moved here and ain’t got no friends. She’s just horny and lonely and I’m probably the first guy she met in this town that got all his teeth and got some common sense. 

We’re both sittin’ on my couch all quiet. Our first awkward moment and I’m startin’ to really think ‘bout what I’m gettin’ myself into with her.

“Daryl..” 

“Mmhhhmm.”

“I kinda really wanna cuddle with you.”

And for the first time, I think I might actually do too, “Alright then.”


	4. Some Other Things

She’s on top of me, ridin’ me. She’s talkin’ and I’m havin’ a hard time givin’ a shit ‘bout what she’s sayin’ cause bein’ inside her feels so fuckin’ good, “We should make a porn.. We’re so fucking hot..”

I got my hands on that big round ass while she’s grindin’ on me. Her hair is so dark and long and she got it all to one side. She’s lookin’ at me with them big brown eyes and she’s so beautiful, I’m still feelin’ like I don’t believe she’s real. I close my eyes and just lay back for a minute enjoyin’ everything she’s doin’ with them hips.

“Are you even listening to me?” she’s gigglin’ and I don’t care ‘bout nothin’ she’s sayin’ right now.

“No.” I smack her ass, “Get up.” and she does what I tell her to do. I grab her and lay her on the bed, throwin’ them legs back so I can get a good look at that little pink pussy. That damn pussy that got me goin’ all kindsa crazy cause it’s the best I ever stuck my dick in. I’m lickin’ on her and tongue fuckin’ her cause I got to. I love the way she tastes. The way she smells. How soft her damn skin is. That girl is my little piece of heaven in this life of hell and I swear she knows it. She ain’t stupid. She’s grabbin’ on my hair and moanin’ and I’m showin’ her I can eat her out better than anybody else. So I keep on cause I’m gonna get her off whether she fuckin’ likes it or not. I’m suckin’ on them delicate little lips and slidin’ my fingers inside. My tongue findin’ her clit and I know she’s lovin’ it cause she’s makin’ all kindsa sexy noises and pullin’ my hair. I spread her some more so I can get better leverage on that fucker and I’m lickin’ and suckin’ listenin’ to the way she’s respondin’ so I know exactly what’s gettin’ her goin’.

“Please.. don’t.. stop..” She’s meltin’ into the bed and squirmin’. Breathin’ so heavy and moanin’ like she’s real close to lettin’ go. I’m rubbin’ on myself now cause I accept that I’m gonna bust off makin’ her cum. She’s got one hand in my hair and the other feelin’ on her tits. I’m goin’ in on that little clit and puttin’ some more pressure on it and she’s really likin’ that. She’s hollerin’ louder now and grabbin’ on my hair with both hands like she’s holdin’ on for her life. Grindin’ herself all over my face and she’s cummin’. She’s shakin’ and cryin’ out and movin’ them hips. She’s yellin’ out to God and droppin’ F bombs, tryin’ to catch her breath. I slide my tongue back inside her to taste all them juices and I can’t hold on no more. I’m creamin’ all over myself. I’m so turned on by what I did to her, it feels like I’m cummin’ for 10 minutes straight.

I’m lookin’ up at her and she’s lookin’ at me. We both got our mouths hangin’ open with that look on our faces like we’re doin’ things to each other we never had happen before. I got a face full of her and a hand and stomach full of myself and she’s gigglin’. I don’t mind if she’s laughin’ at me cause she’s lookin’ so pretty doin’ it. And she could be doin’ all this with anybody she wanted to but instead she’s here with me. Her face and chest are all flushed and she’s got a glow ‘bout her. 

“Fuck, Daryl..” She’s runnin’ them little fingers through my damp hair, “Where the fuck did you learn all that?”

I’m motionin’ for her to grab them sex tissues and she’s laughin’ tossin’ ‘em over to me and I clean myself off. Not the first time I got my own jizz all over my damn self. 

My apartment might as well be a porn set cause it smells like sex from all the fuckin’ we been doin’. Me and that girl been fuckin’ and rollin’ around until the sun came up. I picked her up from work like I been doin’ since the first night we met. She likes to sleep over but we don’t do too good with actual sleepin’. And fuckin’ finally, I got me a day off so I ain’t gotta worry ‘bout gettin’ up for work today. It’s ‘bout a week now since I started messin’ with this girl and I’m tryin’ not to waste time thinkin’ ‘bout what’s goin’ on with us. I like havin’ sex with her. I like talkin’ to her and laughin’ with her. I like lookin’ at her and just thinkin’ how beautiful she is. But I’m not gonna lie, I’m real confused and not knowin’ what’s goin’ on. I never had nothin’ feel like this before. And I ain’t even prepared to explain what all that even means. I known her for a week. That’s it. That ain’t nothin’ and I don’t even really know all that much ‘bout her ‘cept she’s pretty bad ass and from New York. And she’s cute, funny and down for anything. Sarcastic as fuck too, like me. And with all the sex we been havin’ she probably knows my body more than I do. She ain’t never once asked me ‘bout my scars neither even though I know she saw ‘em and felt ‘em. And since I saw her that night at the bar, I haven’t been able to stop thinkin’ ‘bout her. And I thought once I fucked her, I’d just get bored and stop textin’, but nah. Fuckin’ her gets better and better. It’s different every time. And she said I fuck her like nobody else and I hope she ain’t lyin’ to me ‘bout that cause I feel the same way ‘bout her.

So it’s 7 in the mornin’ on a Saturday and I’m feelin’ good for once. I ain’t hungover and I’m not regrettin’ anythin’ I did last night. I sit up against the headboard and look over at her and she’s got her legs spread in the air, wipin’ on her pussy gigglin’, “Goddamn, I am literally dripping all over your bed. All your other whores are gonna sniff me out.”

“Yup, all of ‘em.” I’m shakin’ my head lightin’ up a smoke, “Want one?”

“I’ll take a pull of yours.” she sits her little self up next to me and I hand her the cig, watchin’ her inhale, “You are pretty fucking fantastic in bed.” She exhales and passes it back to me, smilin’.

I feel my face get all hot and I take a pull, blowin’ the smoke away from her and grabbin’ the ashtray off the nightstand. I hand her the cig and she takes another pull cause why not. She’s exhalin’, “Are you sleeping with anyone else?”

“Nah.” I look at her lookin’ at me, “You?” please don’t be..

She got a shy smile on her face, “Just you, Daryl Dixon.” she pauses, takin’ her eyes off me then back on me again, “Can I ask you a question?” 

“Go ‘head.” I take the cig, takin’ a long drag. Feelin’ good ‘bout us just sleepin’ with each other and nobody else.

“How many chicks have you slept with?” she’s smilin’, “What’s your number?”

“I don’t know.”

“That many huh?” She’s laughin’, “You seriously don’t know?”

She got me thinkin’ now.. But what the fuck is the point of runnin’ through all the girls I been in? Most of ‘em were drunk mistakes. It’s the past. And I’m a guy. I don’t really care ‘bout this shit, “I dunno.. More than 10..”

“How much more?” 

I laugh, “I ain’t got no idea. I ain’t exactly been keepin’ track, writin’ it down in my diary and shit.” I put the cig out in the ashtray and set it back on the nightstand.

“Hhmmm…” she’s probin’ me and I’m wonderin’ why she’s so hard up ‘bout knowin’ all that cause it don’t matter none, “Am I your first latina?”

“Mmhhmm.” That I can answer cause she is. 

“I’ve had white guys before, but none of them compare to you.” she’s smilin’.

“I don’t wanna hear ‘bout them guys you been with.” It makes me mad in thinkin’ ‘bout her doin’ what we do with some fuckin’ jerkoff who don’t deserve her.

We’re starin’ right in each other’s eyes not sayin’ nothin’. She ain’t my girl but I’m gettin’ all possessive over her and shit. I’m all quiet cause I ain’t really too sure what else to say to that without tellin’ her that I kinda wish we could.. I don’t know.. 

She’s touchin’ my hair again and I’m likin’ how it feels. I like when she’s touchin’ me. I like havin’ her next to me and in my bed like this. It’s kinda nice havin’ somebody around since I never really had too much of that before. Maybe I should tell her all that or maybe it’s better if I just shut the fuck up.

“You ever been in love, Daryl Dixon?” little painted fingers in my hair and she’s movin’ closer to me.

I’m watchin’ her lookin’ at my hair while she’s messin’ with it. Them big brown eyes even bigger and sparklin’. She ain’t got a smile on this time but her lips are all pouty and soft. Them little freckles she got look so cute. I swallow some, “No.”

“How many girlfriends have you had?” she’s still askin’ questions and I’m wonderin’ where she’s goin’ with all this. I’d rather her ask questions ‘bout me and her. Maybe I’ll feel less nervous to tell her that I think I like her if she’s the one bringin’ it up. 

“Real girlfriends?”

“No. Fake prosthetic ones.” she’s gigglin’, still in my hair.

“1 when I was 18, which don’t count cause it lasted 2 weeks and 1 when I was 30, which… probably still don’t count much.” I feel dumb.

“You still talk to the recent one?”

“Nah. She hates me. She went away for some school program thing and that was that.”

“Why would she hate you?” she’s lookin’ right in my eyes now.

“Cause I broke her heart ‘bout 500 times. Mostly just bein’ an asshole. Then I got drunk and fucked her slutty friend at a party. Her friend said not to tell her but I had to cause she ain’t deserve all that. So I did and it fucked her up. Livin’ up to my last name, I guess.”

Them eyes can’t get no wider now and she got her hand over her mouth, “Shit. That’s real fucked up.. You never loved her?”

“No. But I respected her.” I pause, “Guess I had a fuckin’ stupid way of showin’ it.”

“I had 4 boyfriends and 2 girlfriends in my life.” She’s tellin’ me shit but I really ain’t askin’ cause I ain’t tryin’ to hear ‘bout it. Kinda makes me mad but I ain’t tryin’ to show it.

“You love any of ‘em?” 

“I really.. Don’t know..” she shrugs, huggin’ on her knees, “I never fell head over heels for any of them. Never lost myself in a fit of bliss like in the books and movies. I never once felt like I couldn’t live without them, or anyone for that matter. I absolutely knew I could and eventually would because that’s just me. I’m meant to be alone. Some of us just don’t get that lucky, you know? I mean, what if love really doesn’t even exist. It’s just something we force ourselves into believing we feel because.. I guess it’s what we search for our whole lives.. Just to feel something.. To feel alive.. I don’t know.. I’m rambling.” she pauses and shakes her head, “But to answer your question, probably not.”

I’m starin’ at her while she’s talkin’ and studyin’ the way her lips are movin’. I’m listenin’ to everything she’s sayin and I get it cause I been feelin’ the same way all my life. I don’t know what started comin’ over me but all of a sudden I’m leanin’ in to kiss her. I feel a little embarrassed until she moves her face toward mine and starts kissin’ me and my skin gets all tingly. She’s not jumpin’ on me or feelin’ on my dick like usual when we kiss. Instead we’re just...kissin’. I ain’t tryin’ to tongue fuck her throat or get in her pants this time neither. Just wanna feel her lips touchin’ mine for a little while. We kiss on each other like that for a few minutes until she pulls away and starts gigglin’.

“What?” I’m feelin’ like she’s laughin’ at me.

“Nothing.” she’s smilin’ and blushin’, playin’ with her hair, “You think it’s too soon to ask you to run away with me?”

I can’t help my mouth from smilin’ a little, “Depends on where we’re goin’.”

That smile she got on turns bigger and even brighter. She looks down and laughs then starts lookin’ back at me, “I’ll get back to you on that.”

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

We pull up to Henley’s in my truck and I park right in front next to Mike’s fuckin’ truck and I ain’t at all shocked he’s here again. I’m thinkin’ on if I should go inside this time or not. I kinda feel funny hangin’ at the bar while she’s tryin’ to work since we spend so much time together when she ain’t workin’. And I ain’t exactly told Mike and them ‘bout whatever it is me and her got goin’ on. 

“Come in for a few drinks.” She unfastens her seatbelt, turnin’ to face me, “Penny is working too tonight so I won’t be the only one behind the bar.”

“That’s Mike’s truck right there.” I got my hands on the steering wheel.

“So come in. Play some pool with him. He’ll have his head up Penny’s skirt all night.” She laughs, “Besides.. I may or may not have told Penny about you and showed her your picture.”

“What?” My face gets hot, “What you tell her ‘bout me? What picture?”

She’s ignorin’ me openin’ the door and hoppin’ out with them big boots she got on, “Well, I’ll be inside. Gotta clock in.” she blows a kiss at me and closes the door turnin’ to walk inside the bar. That damn girl. I hate to admit it but she got me by the fuckin’ balls. So I shut the engine off and get out to have a smoke before walkin’ in the bar. I see Mike and Shawn in the back playin’ pool with some people I ain’t never seen before and I go straight to the bar cause I’m not really wantin’ nobody to see me and cause a scene. I’m sittin’ in the corner at the edge and she’s smilin’ with them perfect white teeth settin’ a napkin and a Jack down in in front of me.

“Neatest of Jacks for the gentleman.” She’s leanin’ over the bar with me while that other girl is poppin’ beers open for them same 3 old guys from last time. I’m lookin’ over at them but I ain’t necessarily lookin’ at that other girl, “Yeah, Penny’s got huge tits. She gets most of the horny old guys oogling her when she’s working.” she laughs motionin’ for Penny to come over to us.

Penny’s smilin’ and struttin’ across the bar like she’s on stage with them huge tits hangin’ all out her shirt and that bright ass red lipstick. Her long hair is bleached blonde and I’m tryin’ to figure out what part of her is real or not, “Hey, ya’ll!”

“Penny..” Chase is grinnin’, “This is Daryl. Daryl, Penny.” She’s introducin’ us and I get all weird wonderin’ what she was tellin’ her ‘bout me cause that blonde girl’s face lights up and she’s leanin’ over the bar to hug me. I ain’t sure if I wanna hug her but I also ain’t tryin’ to be rude cause she’s Chase’s friend.

“So you’re the Daryl I heard so much ‘bout ain’t ya?” Penny got her hands on her hips chewin’ on some gum.

I’m starin’ at Chase cause I don’t know what the fuck Penny knows ‘bout me and it’s makin’ me feel weird.

“I’ve just been telling Penny how I met you here at the bar and how much fun we’ve been having, that’s all.” Chase got them colorful arms crossed in front of her.

I drink some Jack and try to chill the fuck out and Penny runs over to them old guys to work for them tips like she’s workin’ the pole. Whatever you gotta do. Shit, I’d do the same thing if I was a nice lookin’ lady.

“Are you mad at me for telling Penny about you?” she’s leanin’ back over next to me and I hate that she’s at work and this damn wood bar is between us. 

I shake my head no and keep on drinkin’, “You told her what we been doin’?”

She’s blushin’ and smilin’, “I told her some things.” she starts gigglin’, “I told her we’re fucking.. Maybe some other stuff.. I’m not trying to keep you a secret. I have nothing to hide.”

“What other stuff?”

She straightens up and starts lookin’ behind me, “Hey Mike!”

“Dammit, girl! I was gonna scare the shit out of ‘em!” Mike and his loud ass self comin’ up behind me with them damn hands on my shoulders again, “Dixon! Dude, work is so borin’ when you ain’t there talkin’ shit with me, I tell ya!” He takes a seat next to me at the bar and Chase is laughin’.

“Mike, you need another round?” She’s askin’ but lookin’ at me cause she thinks it’s funny that he gotta man crush on me. At least that’s what she says ‘bout his hands-on approach.

“Oh yeah, Doll! Ain’t she just the best damn bartender? And sexy as hell too, ain’t she?” Mike’s lookin’ at her ass and callin’ her sexy and it’s takin’ everything I got not to fuck him up. But it ain’t his fault cause I ain’t exactly tell him ‘bout me and her, “Dixon, come play pool with us! I got Shawn goin’ boy, he can’t even handle it!”

“Go on! I’ll bring the drinks over.” she’s winkin’ at me and turnin’ to make them drinks. Penny is flirtin’ with Mike and he’s tryin’ so hard to flirt back but it ain’t workin’ too well.

So I do what the lady says and head with Mike to the back of the bar cause I ain’t tryin’ to distract her while she’s workin’. I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout her sayin’ she told Penny ‘some other stuff’ and I’m goin’ crazy tryin’ to figure what she means by that. 

“Hey! Look who I found!” Mike is yellin’ like anybody gives a shit and got everybody starin’ at me sayin’ hi.

“Where you been at? Got that sleep you been whinin’ ‘bout, I see.” Shawn’s laughin’ lookin’ like a jack-o-lantern with them missin’ teeth.

“Guess I did. You fucks playin’ for cash?” 

“Why, you got some you tryin’ to lose?” Shawn and his fuckin’ jokes. Mike starts carryin’ on like he said some shit he ain’t ever heard before. Always kissin’ ass, this guy.

“I know you!” some girl sittin’ around with them yells out at me but I ain’t got no clue who she is, “You Merle’s little brother, ain’t ya?”

“How you know Merle?” I’m lookin’ at her tryin’ to figure out if I seen her before but I don’t know.

“You don’t remember me? Me and Merle was messin’ ‘round some years back and I was always at the house. I remember you. Your hair was shorter then. We did some coke together few times remember?”

I’m shakin’ my head, “Oh yeah.. I remember..” I really don’t but I don’t care to have her yappin’ to people ‘bout how I used to do coke cause I don’t no more. 

That girl Chase, she’s walkin’ over with a tray of drinks and she’s the most beautiful thing I ever seen, “Ok! Got another round for ya!” she’s handin’ them drinks out like a pro just glidin’ ‘cross the floor with that smile. She saves my drink for last and sets the tray down on the table then hands me my Jack. She’s smilin’ up at me and I take the glass from her. She wraps her little arms around my waist and I don’t know what to do. I get nervous cause she’s touchin’ on me in front of my friends. In front of everybody in the whole place.

“You guys good? Need anything else?” She’s askin’ just hangin’ on me like we’re alone in my apartment.

“Can I get a hug too?” Shawn is holdin’ out his arms raisin’ a eyebrow and I’m lookin’ at him shakin’ my head cause I don’t wanna end up knockin’ him out.

“Well, I gotta get back to work but I’ll check on you in a bit!” she’s smilin’ and runnin’ her hand down my arm, grabbin’ my hand and pullin’ on me a little before walkin’ away. I’m stuck standin’ there not knowin’ what I should do cause she’s actin’ like she’s wantin’ people to know ‘bout us. And I’m not too sure exactly what ‘us’ means.

Mike and Shawn are lookin’ at me like they just saw some shit that ain’t real, “What in the fuck was all that shit?” Shawn’s sayin’ like he’s all mad ‘bout it.

Mike’s laughin’ like a little girl, runnin’ up to me, “Dixon, you fuckin’ bangin’ her?”

“Stop.” I’m tryin’ to brush it off, drinkin’ my Jack. But I know I gotta tell ‘em cause if not they’re gonna keep sayin’ them things to her. Flirtin’ and carryin’ on, disrespectin’ her.

“Seriously, then what the fuck was all that just now?” Shawn’s probin’ me like he’s my fuckin’ father and I’m not likin’ his tone.

I’m shakin’ my head, “Calm the fuck down.. Ok” I pause, turnin’ to look back at her and she’s talkin’ to some people sittin’ at the bar. I lower my voice as if she’d be able to hear me, “We been hangin’ out.. She’s a nice girl..”

“He’s fuckin’ fuckin’ her!” Mike’s laughin’, “How in the fuck? Dude, you look like a worse off Kid Rock!”

“Man, I ain’t gotta explain nothin’ to you.. Just be easy.”

“Did you fuck her?” Shawn is lookin’ at me. Mike is lookin’ at me. Goddammit. I ain’t the type to talk ‘bout that stuff. And I got respect for that girl.

“It ain’t ‘bout all that..”

“I been tryin’ with that girl..” Shawn’s shakin’ his head, pointin’ at me, “And she went and fucked YOU? The guy with no personality don’t even say nothin’?”

I’m clenchin’ my fists and I’m 5 seconds away from knockin’ him out. Mike’s lookin’ at me cause he knows how I get. He steps in front of Shawn, “Whatever, so what! Why we gettin’ all butt hurt! We all tryin’ to get laid, right?”

I’m starin’ Shawn down, my eyes burnin’ a hole right through him. Fuck him. I look over at her behind the bar, smilin’ and I realize he ain’t worth causin’ a scene over so I take a deep breath and sip on my Jack, “Ya’ll just keep it clean with her. She’s a nice fuckin’ girl and me and her got a thing goin’ on and it ain’t nobody’s fuckin’ business. I find out you disrespectin’ her, I’mma rearrange your fuckin’ face. Knock some more of them teeth out.”

“Nah. he’s just playin’, ain’t ya, Daryl?” Mike’s tryin’ to keep the peace but I ain’t fuckin’ laughin’.

“Try me.” I finish my Jack, my brow furrowed, “I need another damn drink.” I turn and walk away cause I’m feelin’ angry and if I don’t I’m gonna kill him. I’m headin’ toward the bar and I hear ‘em talkin’ shit but I don’t fuckin’ care. Actin’ like little babies over nothin’. Makin’ me really start to realize I ain’t who I used to be. I ain’t Merle. I ain’t like none of ‘em. Fuck this town. I don’t need ‘em and I never did. Never will. Feelin’ like I really don’t give a fuck what nobody thinks ‘bout me. Not that I ever did in the first place. That girl was touchin’ on me in public and she ain’t even drunk. Means somethin’. It gotta mean somethin’. 

“Hey you..” she’s layin’ down a napkin on the bar in front of me and I hand her my empty glass. She’s lookin’ at me like she knows I ain’t havin’ a good time, “You ok?”

“When you takin’ a break?” I’m watchin’ her pour more Jack in my glass.

“I can see if I can take a 15, now if you need me to..” 

“Nah, no worries…” I’m feelin’ like I wanna talk to her ‘bout everything. ‘Bout my life. Who I was and who I am now. ‘Bout what I been through. I wanna hear her story too. I’m feelin’ like I’m just… ready to finally let it go and move on, “You comin’ over tonight?”

“I was hoping to.” She’s leanin’ over the bar, “But you know you can tell me to fuck off if you need time to yourself. I promise I won’t get offended. I’m a little intense, I know.”

“I would never tell you to fuck off, Chase.” I’m drinkin’ that Jack, calmin’ down some, “I’m gonna get outta here after this one, but I’m comin’ back for ya.” 

That pretty little face of hers lights up, “I’ll be waiting..”


	5. Blowin' Smoke

“Me and Shawn don’t really like each other too much.” I take another drag of my smoke and she’s motionin’ for me to give her one. So I do cause I’m prepared to do anythin’ she asks me to, “Fuckin’ prick. Somethin’ ‘bout him I can’t stand. Thinkin’ he’s the shit too and he ain’t.”

“Yeah he’s a bit...dickish.” she puts the cig between her lips and I light it for her, “I can totally feel the cunty-ness between the two of you.”

I laugh a little, “Cunty-ness?”

“Yup.” she pauses, “He’s jealous of you. You’re smart, funny and sexy. Annndd you have perfect teeth. Anndd I am positive your dick is way bigger.”

“It is. I saw it once in the bathroom.” I realize I’m soundin’ like a weird dick peekin’ pervert, “I wasn’t out there lookin’ for it, I just saw it by mistake.. Anyway, it ain’t nothin’.”

She’s laughin’ at me, “I like Mike though. He’s really sweet. Loud, but sweet.. And he just loves you. But we talked about this before.”

“Mikes a good guy.”

“So..What did you tell them about us?”

I pause and look at her, “I dunno.. What you been tellin’ Penny? You said you told her some other things.. What other things?”

“I asked you first.” she’s starin’ right in my eyes, blowin’ smoke.

“Nah, I asked you first back at the bar.” 

A little smile starts formin’ on her face and she laughs, “Damn, Dixon..” she takes a pull, “What do you think I told her that’s making you so hard up to know?”

“You can’t answer a question with another fuckin’ question, girl.”

It’s 3 in the mornin’ and me and that girl, Chase, are sittin’ in the bed of my truck smokin’ and drinkin’ Jack out the bottle. I drove her out to the middle of nowhere to show her the stars and hang out cause I’m feelin’ like gettin’ to know her some more. And she said in New York, you can’t even see them stars cause of all the light pollution goin’ on in the city. I’m startin’ to question what the fuck I’m doin’ with her and I’m wantin’ her to bring it up so I ain’t gotta end up soundin’ like a fuckin’ pussy whipped bitch. She’s takin’ a sip from the bottle and passin’ it back to me while we’re sittin’ face to face just talkin’.

“Well, I showed her some pics in my phone... The selfie I forced you to take of us.. Uummmm.. The pic I took of you while you were watching that Nascar race and you asked me to delete but I never did and never will.” She laughs, “That one too.”

“And what were you sayin’ ‘bout me..”

“I fucking told you!” she’s shakin’ her head, “She knows we’re sleeping together.. She knows you’re a fucking amazing lay.. And then she asked for a threesome and I said no.. you know, the usual whore speak..”

“What?” 

“You heard me.”

“You said no, huh?” I don’t believe she even asked in the first place but I’mma probe her some, “Why no? Thought you liked girls.”

“Oh, I definitely like girls..” 

“Then why no?” I take a swig and pass it back to her.

“Are you telling me you want to fuck Penny?” she’s grinnin’ with that little eyebrow raised, “You like her huge tits, don’t you?”

“I’m tellin’ you to tell me why YOU ain’t tryin’ to. And don’t fuck with me, neither. I bet she ain’t even ask. You just wanna see what I’mma say ‘bout it..”

“Ummm first of all, she’s a huge slut but I absolutely adore her.. And clearly, who the fuck am I to judge? I mean.. I basically fucked you before we even said ‘Hi’ to each other!” she laughs, “Secondly, I don’t like to share good dick and you are better than good soooo.. Yeah, no. I don’t need her getting all sprung over you and overstepping her boundaries.”

“Oh we got boundaries set up?”

“Hhhmmm.. We don’t?” she’s lookin’ at me with that little attitude she got.

“Do we?” I’m lookin’ right back at her.

She sighs and looks down laughin’ then starts starin’ at me again with that eyebrow, “You wanna stop fucking around and say what you need to say?”

“I ain’t followin’..”

“This conversation is going in circles, Daryl Dixon.”

“Well.. tell Penny I want that threesome.” I take a huge swig of Jack.

She scoffs, “If you wanna fuck her, you tell her yourself!”

I smile, shakin’ my head cause it seems like she’s gettin’ kinda jealous, “Alright then. Maybe I will.”

“You do that.” she’s gettin’ all bothered.

“What else you and her been talkin’ ‘bout.”

“Nothing that you need to be concerned with.”

“Yeah?”

“Yup.” she’s chuggin’ on that Jack, “I didn’t think she was your type, but why wouldn’t she be? Bleached blonde with big fake tits.. I’m hispanic with 2 little mosquito bites!”

“I’m just fuckin’ with you, you know that, right?” I’m lookin’ at her gettin’ all worked up, “I ain’t into Penny like that. She ain’t my type.”

Her serious face softens a bit, “Well what’s your type?”

“You know my type..”

“Not too sure I do..”

“Then you ain’t been payin’ attention.”

She’s quiet for a minute then starts playin’ with her long dark hair, “Well, what if I told Penny that I don’t want a threesome because I don’t want her touching you?” she pauses, “Because maybe I like the guy that ‘good dick’ is attached to..”

My face gets all hot and I start feelin’ kinda nervous. What if she ain’t even talkin’ ‘bout me? She said ‘the guy’ but maybe it’s some other fuckin’ guy.. I ain’t too good at feelin’ things but with her, I can’t seem to figure out how to turn them feelin’s off.

“Are you in there, Dixon?” she’s shakin’ her head at me and I’m not realizin’ that I was just sittin’ there lookin’ like a fuckin’ idiot not sayin’ nothin’.

“That true?”

“I can’t with you..Yes. It’s true..” she pauses, “Do you feel the same way about me, or am I just a piece of foreign ass to you? Be fucking honest. I can take it.. I don’t care either way I just wanna know whats up.”

“I’m likin’ you.” and I’m hopin’ she ain’t re-thinkin’ them things she said, “You ain’t just a piece of ass to me. The ass is a bonus.”

She’s lookin’ at me with big glassy eyes and they look so pretty in the moonlight. The look on her face is kinda weird and I can’t tell if she’s happy or sad ‘bout what I just told her, “Please, don’t go falling in love with me, Dixon.” she sighs, “Let’s not complicate things.. Let’s keep this strictly friends with benefits and not ruin a good thing. Cool?”

“Umm.. ok..” what the hell does that mean? I ain’t in love with her.. But I ain’t exactly sure what’s goin’ on with how I’m feelin’ ‘bout her neither. And honestly, all this talk left me even more confused. She said she likes me but then took it right back. Said we’re just friends but… is that all we are? I mean.. If she ain’t likin’ me, likin’ me then why she got all crazy over the whole Penny thing? Why is she hangin’ all over me markin’ her territory and shit in front of people? More importantly, what the fuck am I doin’ gettin’ involved with her in the first place? Fuck.. All this got me feelin’ a little down.. Stupid for lettin’ myself feel somethin’ all of a sudden..

And of course, shit got all kindsa weird with us cause now we ain’t even talkin’ no more. I’m tryin’ to start yappin’ again to show that it don’t bother me none, but I can’t think up nothin’ to say so I light another smoke and take another sip of Jack.

“Hey, thanks for taking me here. It’s beautiful.” she’s touchin’ my leg and lookin’ at me with them eyes that ain’t exactly speakin’ ‘just friends’ to me. 

“Mmhhmm.” that’s all I got. I feel kinda bummed and I wish I didn’t. But whatever. I can’t be bummed off not havin’ somethin’ I never had in the first place. She’s just a girl probably gonna leave back to New York soon anyway cause ain’t nothin’ here and a girl like her’s gonna get bored. Then what? I’ll still be alone like I’m used to bein’. And even if she admits to really likin’ me, she’ll just break my heart anyway cause that’s probably what I deserve.

“Daryl..”

“What?” I’m blowin’ smoke from my lungs up in the night air.

She sighs and I’m waitin’ for her to continue but she doesn’t. She just shakes her pretty little head and takes the bottle of Jack from me to drink some. Then she wipes her mouth and starts talkin’, “I wanna try something different tonight..”

“Hhmm.. Like what?”

“Let’s head back to your place and fuck around.” 

I sit just lookin’ at her. Feelin’ like a pussy cause it’s less ‘bout the sex to me when it comes to her, but it’s all ‘bout the sex to her when it comes to me. At least that’s how it seems. But if that’s how she wants it, then fuck it. That’s how it’s gonna be. I ain’t gonna let myself be bitched out over no girl. I also ain’t gonna be all sweet and shit no more neither. Just friends? Cool. Just fuckin’? Cool too. 

“Alright.” I finish my smoke and toss it, climbin’ down from the truck bed, “Come on then.”

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“You’re gonna let me touch you or what?” she’s kissin’ on my chest while the water’s rainin’ down on us. She’s slippin’ her fingers in places I ain’t too sure she should be tryin’ to touch. 

“The fuck you doin’?”

“I wanna try something..” she’s slidin’ her wet fingers between my ass cheeks and I’m pushin’ her hand away cause what in the fuck?

“I’m gonna pass on all that..” 

She’s grabbin’ on me tryin’ to fight me on it, laughin’, “Daryl, seriously.. Have you ever had a rimjob?” 

“What. The. Fuck.” I’m starin’ down at her and the shower is pourin’ all over us. We’re already washed and shit and now there ain’t no point bein’ in here so I turn the water off and open the curtain grabbin’ for the towel.

“Oh, so you can eat my ass all you fucking want but I can’t eat yours? That’s super unfair.” she’s crossin’ them inked up arms over her perfect little tits, “I bet that ass tastes amazing.”

I’m lookin’ at that girl like she’s out of her mind, “I ain’t into that.”

“So you had it done to you?”

“No. I don’t want it done neither.” I dry off and throw her a towel, walkin’ out the bathroom. Of course, she’s followin’ me not lettin’ it go.

“Let me do it. I really want to..” she’s pleadin’, wrappin’ the towel around her little body.

“It ain’t natural. Guys are dirty fucks.”

“You just took a shower. And guys are just as delicious as women.” she’s grinnin’, “I’ll let you fuck me in the ass if you let me fuck around with yours a little..”

I’m shakin’ my head, “You got some serious problems, girl.”

“I know you wanna put it in my little asshole. It’s even tighter than my pussy..”

I really do. Fuck. “Why you wanna do all that to me?”

“Because I wanna do everything to you. I want you any and every way I can have you. Dude, I’m gonna let you put that monster cock in my ass! And all I want in return is to give YOU pleasure. I mean.. It’s a win win all around!”

“Shit.. I dunno..”

“I’m gonna blow your mind. Trust me.” she’s pushin’ me into my bedroom and I’m a fuckin’ sucker cause at the end of the day, she can do whatever she wants with me and she fuckin’ knows it. Goddammit. Fuck.

“I ain’t gay though.. This is some gay shit..” I ain’t doin’ too good in fightin’ with her no more cause she’s pushin’ me back on the bed and climbin’ on top of me and I’m lettin’ her.

“This is so ridiculously far from gay shit...”

“Whatever. If I ain’t likin’ it, we ain’t doin’ it.. That’s that.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Damn. She’s grabbin’ and rubbin’ on me bein’ all rough with it. I feel all the blood in my body wastin’ no time rushin’ to my dick and I’m hard as hell already. She’s bitin’ on my inner thighs a little before she starts blowin’ me. She’s moanin’ with my cock in her mouth and it’s feelin’ so good. She got her hands rubbin’ all over me, massagin’ my balls. I grab a handful of her hair and she’s likin’ it, suckin’ on me faster and gaggin’ on me some. So fuckin’ hot that she can’t handle all of it with that little mouth. She’s got them big eyes wide open and lookin’ up at me, lickin’ my dick from base to tip like a professional. She’s smackin’ my meat against her tongue, wettin’ it all up and teasin’ me. She’s pushin’ my legs, spreadin’ them open more and I’m feelin’ kinda weird but I’m goin’ with it. She puts her fingers in her mouth then slips them under my balls and keeps goin’ until she’s touchin’ my asshole. She can tell I’m all tense cause she’s whisperin’ for me to relax right before she’s spreadin’ me and pushin’ that little wet tongue against my hole. She’s lickin’ on me and moanin’ like she’s really into it and fuck, it’s feelin’ so good. I ain’t never felt that kinda feelin’ before and ‘specially not there. And I ain’t even prepared to explain it. It’s so wrong but.. So right. Fuck. She spits on it then buries her face all in it, tonguin’ at my ass while she’s jerkin’ me off. She’s goin’ on for a few minutes and ain’t barely comin’ up for air, eatin’ my ass like it’s a fuckin’ bowl of ice cream.

“You can stop now.. If you want..” I’m feelin’ kinda weird and bad for havin’ her do that to me. And I ain’t really used to this so I think I had enough for now.

“Mmmmm… why would I wanna stop? You taste so fucking good..” she’s lickin’ at me like a dog lappin’ up water and it’s kinda turnin’ me on hearin’ her enjoyin’ what she’s doin’. She stops and starts lookin’ up at me with a smile, strokin’ my cock, “I’m gonna try something else..”

“No.” I’m shakin’ my head and sittin’ up cause I know what the fuck she’s hintin’ at.

“Yes..” she’s kissin’ and bitin’ on my thighs, “Just one.. One itty bitty finger.. If you hate it, I’ll stop.”

“I hate it.”

She’s laughin, “Just like you hate my tongue dipping in your asshole? Lay back. Now.” she’s bossin’ me around bein’ all rough and pushin’ me. She’s spittin’ between my asscheeks again and starts rubbin’ on my hole and I’m shakin’ my head cause I ain’t really into it but I ain’t exactly not into it at this point neither. I lay back and close my eyes tryin’ to just relax, “Ready?” she’s askin’ but I ain’t got to answer cause she’s gonna do it either way. She starts to slip her finger in, real slow and I’m moanin’ cause it fuckin’ feels so weird and I ain’t doin’ so good at relaxin’. I must be tight as all hell cause it feels like she’s fightin’ to get the tip of her finger inside of me.

“Ooohh that’s fuckin’ weird.” I’m keepin’ my eyes closed tryin’ to like it but I ain’t too sure I do yet. It kinda burns a little.

“It’s gets better.. I promise..” she’s slidin’ that little finger deeper, fightin’ with my asshole cause it’s so tight and tense. I’m kinda freaked out but I’m goin’ with it. And I hate to admit it, but it’s kinda turnin’ me on. She’s fingerin’ me, suckin’ my balls and jerkin’ me off at the same time and fuck it’s feelin’ damn good now. She got that finger slidin’ in and out of my ass and I’m breathin’ real heavy, wantin’ more. And she’s right ‘bout it gettin’ better cause I’m fuckin’ likin’ it. She’s pullin’ my balls in her mouth one by one just playin’ with ‘em and she’s got me goin’ crazy with everythin’ she’s doin’, “Cum for me, Baby..”

Fuck. I’m so hard I’m gonna burst right out my skin. She starts suckin’ on my cock real fuckin’ good while she’s fingerin’ my ass and it keeps feelin’ better and better. I’m feelin’ guilty for likin’ what she’s doin’ to me but I’ll worry ‘bout that shit later cause I’m gonna cum. I’m moanin’ and breathin’ heavy and she knows I’m close, wigglin’ that finger inside of me knuckle deep, doin’ things I never thought could ever feel so damn good. I can’t hold on no more and I start to cum hard, blowin’ my load in her mouth. Fuck, this girl is a little goddamn porn star, swallowin’ all that warm seed and lovin’ it. I’m sittin’ up to look at her and she’s smilin’, slidin’ her finger out my ass and suckin’ on it. 

“Damn..” the only thing I could say.

“I’m soaking wet. I literally came finger fucking you, Daryl.” 

“No you didn’t..”

“Yes the fuck I did. You are so fucking sexy, holy shit.” she’s jumpin’ up on me, wrappin’ her little body around me, her wet pussy rubbin’ all over my leg, “You feel my pussy? You see what you do to me? Shit, Dixon.. Holy fuck..”

“That was.. Uhh.. different.” I’m feelin’ a little embarrassed cause I liked it.

“I love exploring your body.. You are absolute perfection.” she’s kissin’ on my chest and huggin’ on me and I wanna kiss her but then I remember we’re ‘just friends’ so I just lay there.

“I’m gonna get some sleep.” I get up and shut the lights off, pluggin’ my phone in before crawlin’ back in bed. She starts cuddlin’ up into me and I can’t help but hold her. What the fuck is happenin’ to me? This girl is doin’ things to me I ain’t prepared to be able to handle. I had plenty of girls before but none that made me feel the way she does. I’m feelin’ happy, sad and fuckin’ mad all at the same time. I can’t lie, I fuckin’ like her. I like this girl more than I know how and I hate it.


	6. Tennessee, By God (Part 1)

'You don’t even wanna know how dead it is in this bitch..’ 

She’s textin’ me with coffin and skull emojis and I’m up to my damn elbows in grease doin’ my best to text her back cause when it’s that girl, Chase, I gotta respond:

‘Mad you got that early shift?’

This girl must be bored cause she’s fast as all hell with them texts:

‘I get out at fucking 7 tonight!!!!!!!! This chica is happy as a pig in shit!’  
‘My tips won’t be as good but I get to see you at a decent hour for once ;)’  
‘ #priorities #seehowspecialyouare’

She always got me laughin’ or smilin’ or shakin’ my head when I’m textin’ with her and I don’t realize I’m doin’ it. She got quirks ‘bout her and I wonder if all them girls in New York act like that too. Real intense and got that no bullshit type of attitude. Kinda like a badass tattooed biker chick without the bike. She always got a face on too. Like she wears what she’s feelin’ on that pretty face cause she’s got so many expressions. And I’m imaginin’ what she looks like while she’s typin’ away with them little painted fingers. So I text her back:

‘Oh, you tryin’ to see me today?’

 

1.5 seconds later:

 

‘Absofuckinglutely. I miss your face =P’  
‘Has it been 24 hours yet? lol ;)’  
‘Send me a selfie. I wanna see you!!!!!!! :):)’

 

It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and it’s Monday. Ain’t seen her since I left her sleepin’ in my bed early Sunday mornin’. Which is fine cause I needed some time to get my shit together. Since I met this girl, my life has revolved ‘round seein’ her and makin’ sure she’s good. But since my ass got friendzoned, I gotta pull back some to save my sanity. Kinda hard when she knows damn well I ain’t got shit goin’ on outside hangin’ with her and fightin’ with Merle cause I’m hangin’ with her and not him.

‘I’m covered in grease.’

 

‘Yum.. don’t make me beg for it.. I wanna see that sexy mug..’

 

I take an unamused stupid selfie real quick so nobody sees and I send it. She sends me one of her makin’ a face, flippin’ the bird. Fuck. She’s so beautiful. I wish I didn’t think she was the damn prettiest thing breathin’ but I do. I wish them off things ‘bout her made me not like her so much but they been makin’ me like her even more. And the more I been tryin’ not to feel them things, the more I can’t fuckin’ help it. 

‘Boner status = hard AF.’  
‘Bring that dirty uniform home so we can roleplay..’  
‘You’re so hot, Daryl Dixon.. I fucking mean that.. I want you so bad..’

 

She got me blushin’ and my face is all warm. She’s sayin’ things like she misses me and that she thinks I’m hot but I can’t tell if she’s really meanin’ it, but I’m hopin’ she does. She got me not knowin’ what to say. I wanna tell her she looks pretty but then again I don’t cause I’m kinda not sure how to be with her no more. But like I said, the more I tell myself I ain’t supposed to, the more I fuckin’ do..

 

‘Lookin real pretty, Chase.’

 

Shit. I feel like such a sucker. She’s sayin’ she wants to fuck and sayin’ I’m hot and I go and act like a little bitch. What a stupid fuck. I ain’t go no damn game whatsoever. Tryin’ to actually be a nice guy and she ain’t even wantin’ any of that. I can’t win. I swear. I’m too nice or I’m too much of a prick, there ain’t no in between.

 

‘<3 <3 <3 <3’  
‘Come get me at 7? I won’t spend the night. Maybe we could grab dinner or something. I’ve been coming on super strong and you’re right about easing back a little. So smart, you are.’

 

Huh? I fuckin’ hate actually talkin’ in texts. I’m cuttin’ this shit off:

 

‘Never said all that. But whatever, I’ll be there at 7. I gotta go.. Talk later.’

 

Before I could put my phone down, she’s gettin’ weird:

 

‘You ok? Mad at me or something? :((‘

 

‘I’m not mad. Just busy. See you soon.’

 

I turn the damn sound off on my phone and stick it in my pocket before she answers. I ain’t mad but I’m frustrated and I keep havin’ to remind myself that she ain’t exist to me at all before I walked into that bar. And it ain’t even been 2 weeks yet and I got myself buggin’ out over shit I ain’t s’posed to be buggin’ out over. The girl is lettin’ me fuck her however, whenever and I’m actin’ like a big wounded baby cause she’s wantin’ to fuck more than anythin’ else. Do ya fuckin’ hear yourself, Daryl? How I come off bein’ pissy ‘bout that scenario? I’m livin’ the fuckin’ dream right now. All them assholes at the bar are jealous of me. Merle is all butt hurt ‘bout it too cause he ain’t likin’ me gettin’ nothin’ good without him. But man, I dunno.. I’m gonna be 40. Fucking 40. Maybe I’m just… changin’. Thinkin’ I might be wantin’ to settle down a little bit. Just thinkin’ ‘bout it.. I dunno.. I got no idea what the fuck I want no more. Just lettin’ all these thoughts run circles in my head.. But I can’t. I snap myself back to reality, grab the socket wrench and get back to work. Mike is playin’ some music and AC/DC comes on so I yell at him to turn it up. 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I’m sittin’ in my truck in front of Henley’s waitin’ for her with a cig hangin’ out my mouth, textin’ Merle. He’s surprisingly kinda sober, tellin’ me he’s havin’ a party at his place tonight and sayin’ I better be there. He’s tellin’ me to bring Chase but usin’ some choice words for her and I’m ‘bout ready to beat his fuckin’ ass:

 

‘Call her that again and I’mma fuckin’ cut that tongue out your goddamn mouth!’

 

Now I’m all pissed off. Fuck this. I put my phone away and take a long drag. There she is comin’ out the bar walkin’ up to my truck, smilin’. Her long dark hair blowin’ in the wind. She’s wearin’ them big boots again with some fishnets and a plaid skirt, climbin’ up into my truck.

“Daryl!” She’s grabbin’ me and I’m hangin’ my arm out the window so I don’t burn her with my cigarette. She’s kissin’ on me and I’m caught off guard, “I fucking missed you!”

“Damn, girl. It ain’t even been a full on day.” I’m shakin’ my head, takin’ one more pull before tossin’ it. I missed her too. She smells like sweet coconut and pretty smellin’ shampoo. Just like the scent she left all over my pillow. All over my damn skin.

She’s gigglin’ and touchin’ my hair just starin’ at me like she forgot what I look like, “How was work? What do you feel like doing?” Her voice is all soft and calm now.

“Work was work.” I shrug and look at her, “I dunno...You hungry?”

“I’m always hungry. You know that.” she laughs with her fingers still in my hair.

“What ‘bout you.. How was work?” 

“It wasn’t bad.. Just slooowww..” she pauses, “Awww look at us talking about our day like an old lame married couple..”

I get a little embarrassed and I ain’t sure why. I grip the steerin’ wheel, “Where you wanna go?”

“I wanna go everywhere and I can’t decide.” she’s gigglin’ like she’s feelin’ happy.

“Wanna get a milkshake?” 

“Yes! As a matter of fact that’s all I wanna do right now!” she’s all excited.

“Alright then.” 

So I take her over to Cookout cause they got ‘bout a million different flavors and she never had one of ‘em before. She’s so cute tryin’ to figure out which one she wants cause she wants ‘em all. I get the Snickers one and she gets a mix of the peanut butter and the cheesecake. After we get ‘em we sit out on the bed of my truck in the parkin’ lot and hang out.

“Holy shit, this is sooo good.” she’s throwin’ her head back then starts smilin’ at me, “Wanna taste?”

“I’m good. Not the biggest peanut butter fan.”

“What?! You’re kidding right?” She got that eyebrow raised up again.

“Nah.. I mean.. I could eat it in things sometimes but I gotta be in the mood.” I’m suckin’ on mine and it’s so thick it’s takin’ some effort. Damn, even in my head that don’t sound right.. Hmmph..

“Wow. Ok.. Dude.. I don’t think we can be friends anymore.” she’s shakin’ her head, “How do you not like peanut butter? Weirdo.”

“I ain’t too into cheesecake neither.” I kinda laugh cause I know she’s gonna lose her shit.

“Jesus Christ, how the fuck do you even live?!” she’s lookin’ at me like I ain’t even from this planet and she might be right, “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore!”

I’m laughin’ a little watchin’ the cars drive by wonderin’ where they’re headed. Everybody’s always rushin’ off to somewhere but seem to be goin’ nowhere all at the same time. I’m really enjoyin’ this moment with her even though we ain’t really talkin’ ‘bout much. 

“I never met anyone like you before, Mr. Dixon.” 

“I guess I’m the only person alive who ain’t likin’ peanut butter cheesecake.”

“No. I mean..” She’s wavin’ her hand over me, “Just.. you. All of you.” she pauses, “I can’t really explain what I mean.. But it’s a good thing.”

“Well that’s good to know, since we’re BFF’s and shit.” I ain’t too good at hidin’ my sarcasm.

“Daryl..”

I look at her and she’s lookin’ at me but she ain’t sayin’ nothin’. We just sittin’ there drinkin’ and starin’ at each other and I’m feelin’ like I wanna kiss her.

“No. Fuckin’. Way.. Daryl...Dixon...” The firm southern drawl of a female voice comes outta nowhere, “Well, I’ll be damned where I stand.”

She’s standin’ there crossin’ her arms across her chest lookin’ like she ain’t too happy to see me. Got a face on like she’s ‘bout ready to knock me in the jaw a few times. Chase is lookin’ at her then lookin’ at me again.

“Maggie.... how’s it goin’?” I’m feelin’ fuckin’ awkward but tryin’ to keep my cool. That girl Maggie is just shakin’ her head and then, of course it gets worse, cause why wouldn’t it? Beth. That little blonde girl walks right up to her sister, Maggie, and her jaw drops when she see’s me.

“Wow.” Beth’s face turns all red and it makes me feel like mine is too. I’m thinkin’ I’m pretty safe up here on this truck cause if I wasn’t them two girls would jump on me.

“Back home, huh?” I’m tryin’.

“And I bet you never left. Typical piece of shit Dixon boy.” Beth is mad and I get it but I really ain’t tryin’ to do all this right now, “You look like all hell..”

“You look nice.” 

“How fuckin’ dare you..” Beth’s big blue eyes are waterin’ and she’s gettin’ real upset. Maggie is puttin’ her arms around her sister tryin’ to get her to just keep on walkin’. 

Chase is uncomfortable and I can feel it. She’s fussin’ with her hair and not knowin’ what to do with herself and I just wanna get outta here.

“Beth, I’m sorry..” I put my milkshake down.

“No.. you’re not..Don’t you fuckin’ speak my name ever again!” she’s shakin’ her head and starts to walk away, “Do the world a favor and kill yourself.” she’s stormin’ off all upset then turns back around yellin’ at me, “Better yet, don’t! Cause your sad pathetic existence is worse than death!”

“Asshole.” Maggie grunts turnin’ to comfort her sister.

I don’t know what comes over me but I get real fuckin’ pissed and throw my milkshake on the ground in an explosion of empty calories and Snickers pieces. Chase is sittin’ there real quiet with them big eyes just starin’ at me like she’s afraid to say anythin’. And I start to feel all kindsa guilty, stupid and embarrassed.

“Come on.” I climb down off the truck, “I ain’t sittin’ here no more.”

I’m realizin’ maybe I should calm down a little cause Chase ain’t do nothin’ and she don’t deserve me bein’ like this to her. I take a deep breath and turn to look up at her, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s ok.” her voice is real soft and she’s startin’ to climb down and I help her. We get in the truck and I wanna make sure we get the fuck outta here before them girls come back so I waste no time drivin’ off. That girl, Chase, is quiet for a few minutes, turnin’ on the radio. Then I feel her eyes on me, “Was that her? That blonde?”

“I ain’t that guy no more.. She got the worst of me.. All I’m doin’ is tryin’..” 

“I know.” 

My phone starts ringin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda overwhelmed seein’ Beth again and dealin’ with them things I’m feelin’ for Chase. I dig my hand in my pocket to grab it and it’s Merle. That damn party. Fuck. I toss the ringin’ phone in the center console cause I ain’t prepared to deal with him right now or be embarrassed by his idiot friends. She puts her hand on my shoulder while I’m drivin’ and it’s makin’ me feel kinda better. But lately I been feelin’ like I’m runnin’ ‘round in circles, just drownin’ in everythin’. Sometimes it’s like I can’t breathe this air ‘round me no more. I just gotta get the fuck outta this place..

“Said you wanna run away..” I’m glancin’ over at her, “you still thinkin’ you wanna?”

“You’re serious.”

“As a fuckin’ heart attack..” I pause, lookin’ at her then back at the road, “Let’s waste a tank of gas.. See where we end up..”

Them big brown eyes are bigger than ever and her jaw is on the floor. She’s kinda smilin’ too but got a face on that’s readin’ more like ‘what the fuck’.

“Call in sick tomorrow.. Said you wanna pop my cherry.. Get me outta this fuckin’ place.. You meant that?”

“Fuck yeah, I meant that. Let’s do it..”

“Yeah?”

“Fucking hell yeah! Let’s do it!” she’s laughin’ and gettin’ excited and she’s gettin’ me all pumped so I turn the truck around and just.. Drive.. I ain’t really got no destination in mind and I’m not sure I even wanna have one. Just take a chance and see where it takes us. Cause that girl said she believes in everythin’ happenin’ for a reason. So maybe some reason’ll take us where we oughta be.

We drive and she’s playin’ all kindsa music. Singin’ and carryin’ on. I’m feelin’ an adrenaline rush of just doin’ somethin’ out of the ordinary just cause. TJ ain’t gonna like me not comin’ in but I’m at the point where I just ain’t carin’ too much ‘bout it cause it ain’t appreciated in the first place.

After drivin’ North West on I-75 for ‘bout 2 hours, we reach the state line and cross on over into Tennessee and that girl starts cheerin’ cause it’s really my first time outta Georgia. And I know it’s bullshit, but I’m already likin’ the air better here and bein’ mad at myself for not doin’ this sooner. I guess it took meetin’ someone from a different world altogether to change my mind ‘bout everythin’. Open me up to things I just ain’t did cause I had nobody ‘round me wantin’ to do nothin’ else but drink and get high. Them folks are content with bein’ nobody and goin’ nowhere. Just small town rednecks ok with not seein’ other places and learnin’ ‘bout how other people live. Merle is happy just bein’ a fuck up and usin’ our fucked up childhood as an excuse for the drugs and shit. I realized some time ago that I ain’t ‘bout to waste away like that and fit into that mold. I ain’t no abused kid no more. And if I ain’t died back then at the hands of that son of a bitch, I sure ain’t ‘bout to die now. That girl ain’t all together herself, but she’s grabbin’ life by the balls and ain’t ‘bout to waste the so called best years of her life, like I did. And when I’m with her, I been feelin’ like I’m... livin’. Maybe for the first time.

She’s smilin’ real big, “Should we stop somewhere or keep going?” 

“You hungry?” I glance over at her and she’s lookin’ at me like I should already know the answer, “Alright, let’s eat somewhere.”

“Gotta be somewhere local! I’ll check the Google machine.” she’s laughin’ pullin’ out her phone and typin’ away. I keep glancin’ at her cause I can’t help it. She got one leg crossed over the other. That little skirt she got on showin’ off her thighs in them fishnets and I’m kinda wantin’ to rip them things right off. She’s lookin’ like a punk kids wet dream with them tattoos and that outfit. Them eyes and lips, “Ok, if we take the next exit there’s a really cool mom and pop spot just up the street. It’s literally called ‘Hole In The Wall’.”

So I do what the lady says and get right off on the next exit and she’s navigatin’ me toward the place off her map. We come up on it to the right and pull into the lot and park. We hop out and it feels damn good to stretch my legs. But it feels even better to step onto ground that ain’t Georgia. Even though so far Tennessee ain’t all that different. I put my arm around her and ain’t really realizin’ I’m doin’ it until it’s good and done. Then she wraps both her inked up arms around my waist while we’re walkin’ toward the front door and it’s feelin’ bittersweet cause I ain’t sure if this is what ‘just friends’ do. I hold the door for her and she’s smilin’ at me. The place is really a damn hole in the wall alright. But I like it and she does too. We get a table in the corner and the whole place seems like they just pieced some wood together and built a shack then figured they would toss a kitchen in the back to pump out some home cooked meals for some lonely travelers just passin’ through. 

“Is this straight out of a horror movie or what?” she’s whisperin’.

I’m lookin’ around and it’s just us and 1 other dude sittin’ by himself in the opposite corner. The waitress comes up to us askin’ if we know what we wanna drink. 

“Do you have sweet tea?” she’s askin’ and the older lady nods.

“We sure do, Doll. And for you young man?” she’s callin’ me young man and I hold back from laughin’. 

“2 sweet teas, Ma’am.”

“2 sweet teas comin’ right up..Ya’ll know what ya’ll wanna eat?” She’s lookin’ at me and Chase with a little order pad thing and a pen in her hand.

“Few more minutes?” Chase is lookin’ at me and that lady can tell she ain’t from the South not one bit. She nods and says she’ll be back and we look over the menu. Pretty simple shit but it’s lookin’ real good, “Mac and cheese. Well, that’s happening.” she sets the menu down and I can feel them eyes on me, “Daryl..”

“Mmhhmm.”

“We’re in Tennessee!” 

“Mmhhmm.”

“Popped both of our Tennessee cherries.” she’s winkin’ at me, “You know what you’re gonna get?”

“I’m thinkin’ I want that mac and cheese.. Or chicken fried steak. Damn. I kinda want that chicken fried steak.”

“Get both! It comes with a side!” she’s so excited, “I’m such a fat kid.”

The waitress comes back with the sweet teas and we both order mac and cheese and chicken fried steak cause the way I’m seein’ it, we could do whatever the fuck we want tonight.

Chase is sippin’ on her tea lookin’ at me, “Can I ask you something?”

“What if I say no? You gonna still ask me anyway, ain’t ya?” 

“Yup.” she’s playin’ with her straw, “That girl.. The blonde.. You really never cared about her?”

“I never said I didn’t care ‘bout her. I did. Just.. not the way she cared ‘bout me.” I drink some of that sweet tea, “The way things happened with me and her.. Just shoulda never happened in the first place. We shoulda never got involved like that.”

“Better off as friends?” 

“Not even. We had nothin’ in common. Ain’t even like the same music. See how we’re talkin’ right now? It wasn’t like that with her.”

“So how in the fuck did you just find yourself in a relationship? No offense, but you don’t seem like the type to be in a relationship with a little goody goody bitch like that..” she’s got that face on again like when we were talkin’ ‘bout Penny.

“Like how everythin’ always starts.. Sex.. Friends with benefits, right?” I’m lookin’ at her.

“I can’t imagine you having sex with that girl.” she makes a face like she ate somethin’ nasty, “She seems like a wet rag. Lame ass little cunt.”

“She’s a nice girl.”

“I’m sure she is. A little Georgia fucking peach. If I ever see her in the street again, I’ll fuck her up.”

“For what? Look, we ain’t gotta talk ‘bout all that. It’s the past.”

“Well, clearly seeing her today struck a nerve. It’s ok if you still have feelings for her. Whatever.” she’s gettin’ all defensive.

“Seein’ her today struck a nerve with HER. Not with me. Me gettin’ all mad had nothin’ to do with me havin’ feelin’s for her cause I don’t. Just them things she said pissed me off and I shouldn’ta let it but it did. And havin’ you right there seein’ all that.. I ain’t never wanted that to happen. Not ever.”

“Why not?”

“You know why..” I’m lookin’ in them big brown eyes lookin’ right back at me.

She sighs, “Maybe I do.. Maybe I don’t..”

Just then, the waitress brings over the food and it smells damn good. Good ol’ southern comfort food. Just like momma was always too drunk to make when I was a kid. Definitely beats stale chips and squirrel. That girl’s eyes light up like fuckin’ Christmas when she see’s that mac and cheese and I could get full off just watchin’ her eat cause it’s damn cute.

“Christ on a mother fucking cracker!” she grabs her fork and digs right in and I wait for her dramatic reaction before I even think ‘bout tastin’ mine, “Oh, Jeez… Fuck me 10 times sideways! This is ridiculous! Better than sex!” she looks up at me, “Well, almost..”

I’m shakin’ my head and she’s right. This is ‘bout the best mac and cheese I ever tried. But it ain’t beatin’ havin’ sex with her. No way.

“Why do you like hangin’ out with me?” I don’t really know why I ask that but it just comes out.

“You’re way cooler than you think you are, Dixon. It’s kinda sexy how you really don’t see yourself the way other people see you.. I mean.. Maybe that came out wrong..”

“Other people fuckin’ hate me. And I ain’t makin’ that shit up, that’s all true right there. You saw them girls. That’s how everybody see’s me. Mike is the only one ain’t got my face up as a dart board.” I know it. I ain’t delusional.

“Well, I don’t see you that way.. I really see you. I saw you the first time I laid eyes on you. I hope that makes sense..” she puts her fork down and is lookin’ in my eyes, “Your energy is beautiful. And I love being around it. That’s why I like hanging out with you.”

“I don’t know what that means.” I kinda laugh and my face gets hot. I get a little nervous for whatever reason and drink some sweet tea cause I ain’t sure what else I should be doin’. 

“It means.. We have a connection.. ” she pauses and looks down then back at me, “Some shit that I fucking can’t explain.” she giggles all shy and I get even more nervous, “But.. ummm.. I felt it from the moment we locked eyes. Whatever that means.. Thats.. What it is..”

“You say that to all your friends?” I sit back and stare right at her and she’s givin’ me this look I ain’t sure I seen before. And I ain’t tryin’ to make her feel bad but I guess.. We both ain’t bein’ too honest ‘bout what’s goin’ on with us. 

“Dammit, Dixon..” she’s tiltin’ her head to the side and crossin’ her arms, “you’re a sarcastic fuck.”

“It don’t matter. It’s whatever. Want more sweet tea?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Look, I ain’t too good with all this. And you ain’t neither. I mean, that’s what you said, right?” I shrug and she’s just lookin’ at me with them big eyes, “I’m likin’ you more than friends..”

“Daryl..”

“Chase.. I really like you..” Fuck.. well there goes that.. “So if you ain’t feelin’ the same way.. Or feelin’ like maybe you think you could be feelin’ the same way… but later on..” I pause cause I’m jumpin’ the gun a little and I keep forgettin’ that it ain’t even been that long since I known her. I swear it just feels like I known her all my life and I instantly start feelin’ stupid and embarrassed. Makin’ myself look like a fuckin’ pussy and.. Damn.. well, shit..

“What.. Finish what you were gonna say..”

“Nah..I don’t wanna talk ‘bout this no more.”

“You started it!” she laughs, “Stop being fucking weird. I’m losing my appetite.”

I really ain’t sure how I’m gonna recover from all that. And it’s really awkward now and I’m feelin’ like the roles been reversed with me and her. Like I’m the fuckin’ ‘Beth’ in this whole thing. And I’m gonna see how it feels cause karma’s a bitch. And cause I ain’t got the first clue how to deal with how I’m feelin’ for this girl cause I never had them feelin’s for nobody. Nobody. The waitress comes over and asks if we need anything so I get us more sweet tea cause I need to chug on somethin’ to cool myself down a little. We sit playin’ with our food and eatin’ in silence for a few long ass minutes before she breaks up the tension a bit.

“Good call with this chicken fried steak..” now she’s changin’ the subject, “I’m completely pigging out.” 

I don’t really say too much more cause I ain’t got much to say. And I’m really realizin’ that I ain’t got no problems fuckin’ girls but when it comes to actually interactin’ with ‘em, I’m terrible. Lost as all hell. So I do my best to not be fuckin’ awkward as we finish our food and get back out there on the road. We drive for another 2 hours and end up in a motel in Nashville and she keeps sayin’ everythin’ is just like in the movies. Whatever that means.

“Do you think we’re gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight? That guy down there was creeeepppyyy.” she’s grinnin’.

“Or maybe I brought you here to kill ya.. You think ‘bout that?” I kick my shoes off, light a smoke and sit on the bed.

“You better NOT fucking kill me!” she’s laughin’ pointin’ her finger at me, “Smells like my grandpa in here.” she’s takin’ them crazy boots off and climbin’ on the bed, “Just kidding.. I don’t have a grandpa.” she laughs, “But it smells like cigarettes.”

“You shoulda said non-smokin’..” 

“But I like to watch you smoke.. It’s sexy..” she’s climbin’ on top of me, straddlin’ me and I’m movin’ my face from her so she don’t get burnt by the lit smoke between my lips. She takes them little fingers and takes the cig, puttin’ it to her lips and pullin’. She blows the smoke up above us and slowly licks my lips, “You like me, Daryl?” 

What the fuck else does she want me to say that I ain’t already said. Damn tease. I’m starin’ at her and I ain’t amused so I take my cig back and turn my head to take a pull. She starts to play in my hair and kiss on my neck. I’m startin’ to catch wood and she’s whisperin’ in my ear, “Show me how much you like me..”

I shake my head and scoff a little, tryin’ to finish this damn smoke in peace and she’s rubbin’ on me and nibblin’ my ear. I do my best to ignore her until I’m done smokin’ and I reach to put it out in the ashtray by the bed. I look up at her and she’s lookin’ at me. She said we have some kinda connection.. And I’m feelin’ it lookin’ in them eyes. I cup my hands under her ass and she’s got her arms restin’ on my shoulders, wrapped cooly ‘round my neck and we’re just lookin’ at each other. But it’s got me feelin’ things again. Feelin’ nervous and all flustered. My skin is hot and I’m wantin’ to tell her ‘bout what she’s doin’ to me but I can’t. I’m gonna mess this whole thing up if I keep runnin’ my mouth. She starts kissin’ me and I’m gettin’ mad cause I’m cravin’ her soft skin against mine but we got these damn clothes on. She smells good enough to fuckin’ eat and it’s drivin’ me crazy. We’re kissin’ real slow and deep and I’m runnin’ my hands under her shirt, up her back to unhook her bra. She’s pushin’ me back on the bed and pulls her shirt and bra off before tuggin’ mine up and kissin’ my stomach. I lean up a little and take my shirt off and she’s got her soft lips kissin’ all over me. 

“Take everythin’ off..” I give her ass a squeeze and she rolls over on the bed and does just that. I do the same and we waste no time gettin’ back to the touchin’ and kissin’. We’re both layin’ on the bed naked facin’ each other and she’s got her leg around me and I got my arm under her. She’s pullin’ me on top and we’re just makin’ out. She’s touchin’ on my back and got them legs wrapped around me and I’m tryin’ not to crush her with my body weight but I just wanna get as close to her as I can. She’s breathin’ heavy against my kiss and I’m doin’ the same. She’s not yellin’ at me to fuck her or grabbin’ my dick like usual. She’s so wet and hot between them thighs and I gotta be inside her so I rub myself along them pink little pussy lips before slidin’ my cock inside her slow and deep. She gasps and starts moanin’ real breathy and soft, grippin’ on my back. And I’m holdin’ her under me while I’m thrustin’ in and out of her at a nice slow pace cause I wanna really feel her holdin’ tight around my cock. She’s moanin’ and got her hands on my ass, movin’ her hips and grindin’ herself into me. I look at her and she’s lookin’ so fuckin’ pretty with a look on her face like she’s lovin’ the way I’m movin’ inside her. She got her fingers in my hair and not takin’ her eyes off mine and everythin’ ‘bout what’s happenin’ is feelin’ damn good. She starts to smile a little and bite on her bottom lip, moanin’ cause I’m thrustin’ faster. 

“God, you feel so fucking good..” she’s closin’ her eyes, sinkin’ into the bed, “Deeper.. I want you deeper..”

I grab them slight little legs and throw ‘em over my shoulders, leanin’ over slammin’ into her long, hard and as deep as our bodies let me get. She’s whimperin’ and moanin’ louder and it sounds like I’m hurtin’ her. 

“You ok?” I stop and look down at her and her chest is goin’ a mile a minute, breathin’ heavy. 

“It hurts a little but I like it. Please don’t stop..” her voice is low and breathy. I don’t wanna be hurtin’ her so I start up again goin’ real slow, pushin’ myself all the way in til my balls press against her ass then slidin’ it out. She’s rollin’ her eyes back in her head and makin’ all kindsa sexy noises. Bein’ inside this girl has got to be the greatest thing I ever had happen to me. Most amazin’ thing I ever felt. She’s got heaven and God between them thighs. I ain’t even feelin’ worthy of havin’ it this good cause it’s like she’s a fuckin’ angel and I’m just gettin’ her dirty. But nothin’ else matters when I’m with her like this. ‘Cept makin’ her feel as good as she’s doin’ to me. I can’t help myself and I’m fuckin’ her harder and she’s got her arms out, grippin’ on the pillows and gettin’ louder. I feel like I’m hurtin’ her so I pull out and lick on her pussy a little cause I love goin’ down on her and I don’t think she minds. I climb back on top of her and we get to kissin’ again and she’s runnin’ her hands all over my body. I can feel her heart beatin’ against my chest and my cock slides over her wet slit, rubbin’ on that clit a little before findin’ her tight hole and makin’ myself at home. She slips a hand between us and spreads herself as I move my hips to grind against her. She’s movin’ in tune with what I’m doin’ and I can tell she’s gettin’ off from the friction. Sex with her is different. It’s like we both know exactly what to do and when to do it to make each other feel like we ain’t never felt before. She’s tremblin’ under me and whisperin’ in my ear that my cock feels so good and she’s gonna cum. I wanna cum inside that sweet pussy so I ask her if I could, knowin’ damn well the risk in all that but not carin’ in the moment. 

“Cum with me.” she’s lookin’ up at me and noddin’ her head yes. She grabs my ass and pulls me into her deeper and I can’t think no more. ‘Cept how goddamn tight and wet she is. And how good she feels around my cock. I can feel her body start to react and she’s ‘bout to explode and even if I tried to stop myself from cummin’, ain’t no way in hell I’d be able to. I can feel her tight little cunt contractin’ and squeezin’ the cum right outta me as we both completely let the fuck go. Moanin’ and gruntin’ and yellin’ out to God and shit. I’m cummin’ inside her while she’s cummin’ all over me and I ain’t even gonna try to explain how fuckin’ good it feels. There ain’t no words. She’s a fuckin’ vixen hellbent on diggin’ them claws in me and never lettin’ go. And I ain’t wantin’ her to. I hold my cock in her while we come down from orgasm and she’s still grabbin’ on my ass pullin’ on me. She got her legs wrapped tight around me and we’re lookin’ in each others eyes mesmerized for a few seconds. She starts to giggle and she runs them little hands up my back and starts kissin’ me. Between the damn mac and cheese and the sex, I could fall asleep just like this. But I snap back to reality and realize I ain’t all that light and she’s real small so I get off her and lay on the bed.

We’re kinda quiet for a few minutes and she turns her head to look at me, “Take me to the store real quick..”

I look at her, “Right now?”

“Unless you’d rather wait and take me to the clinic next month to kill our unborn sex child before it has a chance.”

“The fuck is wrong with you, girl?” I’m lookin’ at her like she’s a crazy bitch sometimes with them things that be comin’ out her mouth.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” she smacks my leg, “Come on. I’ll be in and out..” she gets up and starts laughin’, “Ha! That’s what she said!”

Hmm.. That damn girl.


	7. Tennessee, By God (Part 2)

“Let’s go to Elvis’ house!” them big brown eyes widen and she’s starin’ at me with her mouth wide open like she’s waitin’ on me to get excited.

“That’s in Memphis. That’s ‘bout 3 and some more hours West.” I’m talkin’ with my mouth full of chocolate.

“No.. it’s Graceland! Isn’t that the same thing as Nashville?” she’s got her hands on her hips. She’s serious.

I start laughin’, “Graceland is Graceland and it’s in Memphis. Nashville is Nashville. Ain’t none of ‘em the same place.”

“Don’t laugh at me, jerk!” she smacks my arm, “Captain ‘Useless Info’ over here.” she’s makin’ air quotes with them little painted fingers.

“How is that useless info? It’s fuckin’ simple geography and common sense. But I guess when you’re a hot piece of ass from New York, you don’t need all that.”

“Did you just insult me?” she’s raisin’ that eyebrow at me again, “Are you implying that I’m a fucking brainless bimbo who gets by on her looks?” she crosses her arms over her chest.

I’m sittin’ on the bed in the motel room just lookin’ at her standin’ in front of me, still small even in them crazy boots, “Did I say that?”

“Hmmpphh.. Indirectly.” 

“Well, I ain’t mean it that way.” I didn’t. But I kinda did.

“Sure you didn’t.” she rolls her eyes and grabs the tourist pamphlets she picked up from the drugstore last night when we got them abortion pills, “Soooo.. Elvis’ house is Memphis, so that’s out of the question..” she’s skimmin’ through the pages and I’m tryin’ not to start laughin’ again, “Oh my God! The zoo! Let’s go to the zoo!”

I shrug, “Alright.”

“If you don’t wanna go, just say so.” 

I’m lookin’ at her all confused, “I’ll go.”

“You don’t seem excited..” 

“This is my excited face” I crumble the Hershey’s bar wrapper and toss it across the room missin’ the garbage can by a mile, “damn..”

“Let me fix your hair.” she giggles, movin’ closer to me and fiddlin’ with my locks, “Much better.”

She looks at me and I’m lookin’ at her. She’s touchin’ on my face, kissin’ my forehead and it got me feelin’ things all over again. I guess, I kinda never stopped in the first place.

“What’s all that for?” I’m tryin’ not to grab on her and rip that little skirt off. She’s standin’ real close to me now, between my legs and I swear I can taste her.

“Just cause.” she smiles and walks away, grabbin’ up that candy wrapper and puttin’ it in the garbage. I watch her shove her shit in that bag of hers and put them big black sunglasses on her pretty little face, “Come on!” she’s yellin’ for me to start movin’ so I get up and can’t do nothin’ before I stretch.

I yawn, “I’m comin’..”

“Jeez, old man.. You need a fucking redbull?” she’s pokin’ my stomach as I’m stretchin’ and I start laughin’. She heads for the door, turnin’ to look at me before she grips on the knob.

We make our way out the swanky motel room and I light up a cig, tossin’ her the keys to the truck so she could get in while I get us checked out. It takes me less than 2 minutes with all that and as I’m walkin’ back over to the truck, She rolls the window down, stickin’ half her body out, “Hey hot stuff.. Got an extra one for the lady?”

I exhale, shakin’ my head with my cig hangin’ out my mouth, “I’m ‘bout to start chargin’, girl.” I pull out the fresh pack I bought last night and give her one cause she got me doin’ anythin’ for her. Lightin’ it up for her too.

“I pay you in other ways.” she says, takin’ a pull, “Besides, I don’t smoke.”

I get in, close the door and stare at her shakin’ my head for a minute before startin’ up the engine. She ain’t sayin’ a word. Ain’t even lookin’ at me. I wouldn’t even know what to say to that, so I don’t say nothin’ and just drive off. Makin’ a right and just drivin’.

“Alright.. Where am I goin’?” 

“Oh, right..” she’s gigglin’, pullin’ out her phone to look up directions.

So we drive and ‘Bout 15 minutes and 1 wrong turn later, we make it to the Nashville Zoo. I park the truck and we get out. I’m lookin’ at her thinkin’ maybe she ain’t gonna be all that comfortable in that outfit and them boots.

“You gonna be good walkin’ ‘round like that?” I’m askin’ as we’re walkin’ toward the entrance.

“Like what?” she’s soundin’ all defensive, crossin’ her arms.

“In them big ass boots you got on.”

“Oh..” she laughs, “I’ll be fine. Don’t you worry.. and if I get tired, you can just carry me.”

I laugh cause I know she’s jokin’ but I would be happy to carry her if she needed me to. We go up to the ticket booth and I get us both day passes, grabbin’ a map. She starts jumpin’ up and down like a little kid, got people starin’ at us already, this girl. She’s sayin’ she wants to see the flamingos and all the birds. Gettin’ real excited runnin’ down the list of all the animals she loves. Makin’ me feel like I gotta be sure we see all of ‘em so she has the best time today and not regret callin’ outta work. Maybe she’s gonna really notice that she’s likin’ me more than she’s thinkin’ she is. Or maybe she won’t. I don’t know.. But I need to stop fuckin’ actin’ all desperate and shit.. I’m startin’ to get sick of hearin’ myself cry ‘bout it in my own head..

“Holy shit! There are fucking Rhinos!” she’s grinnin’ from ear to ear, studyin’ the map while we’re walkin’ toward her flamingos. 

“This is my first time at the zoo.” I say, kinda embarrassed in admittin’ all that.

“Daryl…” she sounds like her heart just broke, “Seriously?” 

“Mmhhmm.. I think it’s cool so far..”

“We didn’t even see any animals yet!” she gigglin’, “Just you wait!”

Outta nowhere, she grabs my hand and laces her little fingers with mine. Shit.. why did I just get so fuckin’ nervous all of a sudden? Like I need to take a deep breath or somethin’.. But I can’t cause I ain’t tryin’ to have her see how she got me. My heart is beatin’ a little faster and I’m tryin’ to keep my cool. She acts like nothin’s happenin’ and we’re walkin’ ‘round holdin’ hands like we’re together and people are lookin’ at us. Probably cause she’s so pretty and wearin’ that sexy outfit. Maybe they’re wonderin’ how in the hell I got to be with a girl like that.. I been wonderin’ the same thing..

So she’s holdin’ the map in her left hand, with my hand in her right and there go them pink flamingos she was talkin’ ‘bout. She gasps and squeezes my hand, “Oh my God! They are so beautiful!” 

“Got some crazy lookin’ necks.” I sound and feel stupid. 

“Look.. and when they stand facing each other like those two are right there” she’s gigglin’ “Those crazy looking necks form a heart.” she’s pointin’ to two of ‘em just standin’ there and she’s right. They kinda do look like a heart with them long necks curvin’ and comin’ together like that. Pretty cool.

She lets go of my hand and pulls her phone out, “Let’s take a selfie.” she’s tryin’ to stick her arm out but it ain’t workin’ too well so she hands it to me, “Here, you got a better reach” she laughs, “get the heart flamingos in the background!”

“Ya’ll want me to take it for you?” A blonde lady pushin’ a stroller asks.

“Could you? That would be awesome!” her face lights up.

“Sure!” the lady is real nice, takin’ the phone and tellin’ us to smile.

I hate smilin’ in pictures. Actually, I hate pictures in general. But she got me takin’ all kinds of ‘em with her and I don’t mind. I like seein’ what we look like together. Kinda makes me feel like I’m takin’ pictures with a celebrity or somethin’ cause she’s so fuckin’ pretty. Chase hugs her inked up arms around my waist and I do my best to not look awkward tryin’ to smile a little. I can feel her little heart beatin’ against me as the nice lady snaps a few pics of us with all them flamingos hangin’ out in the background.

“Oohh they came out nice!” the lady’s smilin’ handin’ Chase her phone back.

I ain’t gonna lie, that’s a damn good picture of us. I don’t look as weird and awkward as I usually look. And I really like her arms around me like that. I think we look good together. She’s everything I never actually knew I wanted. But I do. I want that girl so bad.

“Oh my God, LOVE these! Thank you so much!” she gets all excited.

“Not a problem! Ya’ll have yourselves a nice day!” she smiles and waves goodbye, pushin’ her baby stroller.

“Do you see how cute we look?” she’s showin’ me the pics, “You’re so handsome.. I can’t..”

“Hhmmm.. So.. where you wanna go next? Tigers and leopards and shit up that way..” I take the map and open it up, pointin’ to the left trail, “Or you got reptiles and shit that way..” I point to the right.

“Tigers and leopards and shit!” she’s reachin’ up, pushin’ the hair out my face like she always does.

I wanna hold her hand again so I grow a pair and go for it and she’s holdin’ my hand right back. We start walkin’ to all the other exhibits and I’m havin’ fun lookin’ at all these wild crazy animals up close like that. But it’s kinda sad too cause they gotta spend their whole lives locked up havin’ stupid humans pay to stare at ‘em. Makin’ me think that that’s how I been livin’ all these years. But only I got a choice to stay or break out.. 

And this girl.. she’s makin’ me feel like I wanna start doin’ more things like this. Things I ain’t never really done before. Only thing is, I wanna do ‘em with her. And I sound like a fuckin’ broken record, but I really don’t know what’s gonna happen with us. I mean, she’s throwin’ so many mixed signals and I’m just over here tryin’ to play it cool. Even though… well.. fuck.. I’m kinda gettin’ myself too attached too damn fast. It’s just.. I never get attached to nobody.. No friends, no family.. ‘Specially no girl.. But with her, everythin’s all different.. and I’m takin’ a likin’ to how it’s feelin’. I just wanna be with her and take care of her. I don’t think I know how to handle all this shit. I’m kinda freakin’ out a little..

We end up spendin’ the whole damn day at the zoo and she’s all worn out. Most of the time, I felt like I was payin’ more attention to her reactions than to the animals cause she gets so excited. She got to see them Rhino’s she was buggin’ out over too, but I can tell she’s gonna pass out in the truck on the drive back cause she’s real quiet and twistin’ her long hair ‘round. And sure enough, it don’t her long before she ends up doin’ just that. Fallin’ asleep in the passenger seat like a baby. I don’t mind, so I just let her sleep. Drivin’ with some music on and just thinkin’ way too much ‘bout how much I like her and how I ain’t too sure no more what I’m tryin’ to do with my life. All I know is whatever happens and whatever I do, I want that girl part of it. She came outta nowhere that night at the bar and now I can’t think ‘bout a life without her. I can’t get her out my head and find myself even missin’ her when she’s right next to me. What the fuck is goin’ on with me? Damn.


	8. Loose Lips & Tight Spaces

“Ya gotta get your priorities straight, little brother..” Merle’s talkin’ but he ain’t really one to be talkin’ ‘bout priorities, “Actin’ like a pussy whipped bitch..”

“I wouldn’ta came to that damn party anyway.” I take a pull from my smoke. I ain’t gonna let Merle piss me off cause he’s still butthurt ‘bout that damn party. It was a fuckin' week ago and he's still yappin' my ear off 'bout it.

“Bullshit!” he’s spittin’, “I’m seein’ where your loyalties are layin’ these days.. You forgot what blood means, huh? Too busy fuckin’ that spic bitch..”

“Call her that one more time, see what happens!” I stand up, feelin’ all the blood in my body start to boil, clentchin’ my fists. He never let’s nothin’ go. He always gotta just push my nerves.

Merle starts laughin’ at my rage, makin’ me even madder. Fuck.

“Man, you the one gotta get your shit straight! Hangin’ out with them assholes don’t even give a fuck ‘bout you! Ain’t none of ‘em gotta carry your ass off the damn street. That’s all me..” I shake my head, kinda yellin’ “all the fuckin’ time!”

“Hhmmm..” he’s mumblin’ drinkin’ a bottle of beer just starin’ at me. I’m pacin’ around his place a little just tryin’ to cool off, “Sit down.” he’s tryin’ to tell me what to do.

“Fuck you.” the words just come out as I’m blowin’ the smoke out from my lungs.

“Ya got yourself a little girlfriend.. Well, good for you.” Merle’s sittin’ there with that damn smirk on his face and I fuckin’ know he don’t mean no well wishes. And that girl ain’t necessarily my girlfriend but he don’t gotta know that, “I’mma tell ya right now, that girl’s got ya by the fuckin’ balls.. now you lettin’ her drive your truck ‘round town?” he’s laughin’, “You gettin’ played like a fuckin’ cheap fiddle, boy..”

“You know nothin’ bout her.”

“I know somethin’ ‘bout her.. I know you ain’t the only one dippin’ in that..” he’s drinkin’ his beer again just starin’ at me tryin’ to break me and I ain’t too sure I can keep calm.

“The fuck did you say?”

“That’s right, little brother..” he’s smirkin’, “heard she got herself a tight little pussy too.. Lettin’ everybody all up in it.. You’re a dumb fuck and you gonna see it..”

“You’re full of shit, Merle!” I ain’t gonna sit here and take all this. I wanna beat the livin’ hell out of him but I’m fightin’ with myself not to. And it ain’t workin’ all that well cause I really got the urge to bash his face in.

“The fuck you gonna do, Daryl?” he’s standin’ up now gettin’ all tough. And I’m sick of playin’ defense with everybody in my life. ‘Specially with him. So I don’t say nothin’ and knock him right in his fuckin’ face, feelin’ instant gratification watchin’ his simple ass fall back. Too bad the damn couch caught him.

The fucker starts laughin’ with blood all in his teeth lookin’ like a madman, “That all ya got? Hit like a goddamn bitch!”

I got nothin’ else to say to him cause he ain’t worth the spit in my mouth so I just leave. Get the fuck outta there, slammin’ the door behind me. I can hear him cacklin’ up a fuckin’ lung seein’ me upset like that. I get on my bike and try to chill out but my mind is goin’ a mile a minute and I’m havin’ a hard time dealin’ with what I’m feelin’. Why did he say that? He’s lyin’.. right? Nah.. she’s not fuckin’ nobody else.. she told me herself… but she would tell me if things changed.. right? I mean.. who the fuck could she possibly let touch her in this piece of shit town? How could she even find the time to when she’s always with me? And why the fuck would Merle know ‘bout any of it?

I put on my helmet and speed off. I should go home but instead I ride over to Henley’s. What Merle said is under my skin and I need to know. I need to see her. I can’t control all these things I’m feelin’ and it’s makin’ me crazy. Fuckin’ Merle. I’m playin’ myself alright.. In still givin’ a fuck ‘bout him when all he does is live to torture me. I don’t know why he hates me so much. I guess it runs in the family. I pull up to the front of the bar and park right next to my truck. I’ve been lettin’ her drive it to get to work and so she could run errands and stuff. And I don’t see nothin’ wrong with that. I offered, she never asked.

I walk right by Shawn and just look at him, lookin’ at me. He’s standin’ with them fuckin’ weird junkie friends of his and I don’t give a fuck what he’s thinkin’ ‘bout me right now for not sayin’ hi. Fuck him. Mike ain’t around so I got no reason to be nice. I walk in and head right over to the bar and I ain’t seein’ her behind it. Penny turns around to ask me if she can get me a drink not realizin’ it was me at first.

“Daryl! Hey!” she’s smilin’ real big and leanin’ them big titties over the bar to hug me. It smells like she bathed in perfume and it feels like I’m eatin’ it. But she really is a nice girl, “Jack?”

“Nah.. I’m not drinkin’ tonight.. Is she on break?”

“She’s in the ladies room.” Penny puts her hands on her hips, “Is everythang ok, Darlin’?”

Why wouldn’t it be? Do I not look ok? Am I too intense right now? Dammit, “Everythin’s great, Penny.. On second thought, I’ll take that Jack.” I’m tryin’ to smile but it’s feelin’ all weird and crooked.

Then, cold little hands reach up behind me over my shoulders to cover my eyes. Her scent immediately calmin’ my ass down. Her touch. I grab her hands and she’s gigglin’, turnin’ to face her and she got the biggest smile on, her cheeks blushed a little.

“I didn’t expect you to stop by!” she’s huggin’ me, “Did you get my texts?”

“I wasn’t really checkin’ my phone..”

She’s bitin’ her bottom lip just grinnin’ up at me. Them big brown eyes all lit up, “Take a seat! Hang out with us!” she’s pullin’ up a stool for me.

I scratch my head, “Can I talk to you real quick?”

Her face changes like she’s worryin’ ‘bout somethin’, “Sure.. yeah…” she looks at Penny, “I’ll be right back, babes..”

We walk outside and move away from Shawn and them. I need a cigarette so I light one and take a pull. I ask her if she wants and she shakes her head, crossin’ them inked up little arms.

“Is everything ok?” she’s lookin’ at me.

“I’m a little worked up.. I’m sorry if I’m actin’ weird.” I take another drag, “went to see my brother today. Of course we got into a fight.”

“Oh no..” she sighs.

“Can I ask you somethin’?” I’m tryin’ to keep it cool. Tryin’ so fuckin’ hard.

“Anything.”

“You fuckin’ other people?” I’m blowin’ smoke away from her.

“Seriously?” she scoffs, annoyed, “Didn’t we talk about this already?”

“We did. I just wanna know if that’s still the case.”

“Is that what you think of me?” them eyes are burnin’ a hole right through me and I’m startin’ to regret openin’ my stupid fuckin’ mouth.

“Of course not, Chase..” I put my cig out and toss it.

“Then where is this coming from?” she’s got her hands on her hips, “I’m loyal to you, Daryl Dixon. And the ridiculous thing is… I don’t have to be because we’re not together… as a matter of fact, I don’t have to explain myself to you at all now that I think about it..”

“I’m not accusin’ you of nothin’.. I’m just askin’..” I feel stupid. All kindsa fuckin’ stupid.

“Are you fucking some other bitch and feeling guilty about it?” she’s got that eyebrow raised again.

“You know I’m not..” I cross my arms over my chest.

“And you know I’m not.” she’s diggin’ her hands in her back pockets, sighin’.

We stand in some awkward silence for a minute and I kinda just wanna run away like a damn dog with it’s tail between it’s legs.

“Daryl..” she’s seemin’ like she’s strugglin’ with what to say and she’s not lookin’ up at me, “you can tell me to fuck off, and it’s fine. But.. your fucking brother is toxic. He’s not good for you.” her eyes find mine again and I know she’s right, “I’m assuming he said something to you about me.. Purposely to get you all worked up.. He doesn't even know me..”

“I shouldn’ta came here” I don’t know how to explain myself to her. I ain’t tryin’ to even tell her them things Merle was sayin’ cause it’s not right, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re the only one, Daryl.” she sighs, the look on her face gettin’ softer, “I’m not even talking to anyone else. Because.. I don’t have the desire to.” she pauses, “And if I do.. Or if I meet someone I wanna fuck.. I’ll tell you.”

Hmm I don’t really like all that though. Why should she still be lookin’ around for someone to meet and fuck? I feel better ‘bout askin’ her but now I feel worse from what she’s sayin’. I’m shakin’ my head and puttin’ my hands on my hips, “But why? I mean.. Why ain’t we together then?”

More awkward fuckin’ silence.

“I gotta get back to work.” she’s touchin’ my arm, “come drink your whiskey..”

I laugh a little but it’s mostly sarcasm. Mostly from her completely dodgin’ the question. I dig in my wallet, pullin’ out some cash and handin’ it to her, “Here.. give this to Penny. I’mma go..”

“Really?”

“Long day.. I’ll see ya tomorrow or somethin’.” I dig my wallet back in my pocket and see Shawn and his dumb friends walkin’ back in the bar.

She takes a deep breath and hangs her arms to her sides lookin’ like she got shit to say but ain’t sayin’ it. It’s fine. I think I heard her say enough for today and I’m feelin’ like I need to be alone. I’m not mad at her. Why would I be? I’m just frustrated at everythin’. Merle, myself, fuckin’ Shawn and his asshole face, TJ, and not knowin’ what the hell to even call this between me and her. Sometimes I hate how honest she is all the damn time. And it’s my own fault cause I be askin’ for it. Hopin’ for a different answer every time but it ain’t changin’. I’m the one changin’ but nothin’ else is. She ain’t tryin’ to be with me like that. I gotta just fuckin’ deal with it. But since it ain’t nothin’ I ever had to deal with, I don’t fuckin’ know how.

She wraps her little arms around me and squeezes, “I’ll give you your space..” she nods her pretty head and looks up at me, “thank you for letting me drive the truck the last few days. You really look out for me, Daryl Dixon.”

I nod right back and I ain’t really got nothin’ else I wanna say so I walk her to the front door. She waves shyly before walkin’ in and headin’ back to work. I pull out my smokes cause I’m thinkin’ I need one but then change my mind and put ‘em right back. Better to just go home before I do or say somethin’ stupid.

 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I’m realizin’ real quick that I need to go food shoppin’. Tryin’ to find somethin’ to eat cause I’m bored and I got nothin’ but a half empty box of Frosted Mini Wheats with no milk. I start laughin’ to myself cause this is how I live and it’s kinda sad. I start wonderin’ if a change of scenery is really what I need. What if it changes absolutely nothin’? What if I still just have cereal with no milk only in a different apartment in a different town? Hmmm.. I been tryin’ to sleep but it ain’t really workin’. Just layin’ in bed thinkin’ ‘bout her. I wish I could turn my brain off when it comes to that girl. My mind is all flooded and I can’t even remember what I used to think ‘bout before her. Bikes. Fuckin' pistons and internal combustion chambers. It seems so far away. Am I obsessed with that girl? Am I a fuckin’ old creepy guy? Is that how all New York girls got people? I kinda feel like somethin’ is seriously wrong with me but maybe not. And I just don’t know how this shit goes cause all I know is North Georgia. And Beth. And she ain’t never had me like that. Not even close.

I been starin’ up at the ceilin’ for 2 hours already tryin’ to shut my brain off so I can sleep. I turned my phone off and left it chargin’ on the kitchen counter cause I’m not talkin’ to Merle right now and I don’t wanna text that girl makin’ her think I’m obsessed. Even though I might be. I’m thinkin’ I’m hearin’ a knock at my front door but I’m so tired it’s probably just my imagination. I hear it again. Then my doorbell. It ain’t Merle cause he would be bangin’ like the police, yellin’ that he knows I’m inside. Wakin’ up my neighbors and causin’ a scene. I get up and put my pants on. I got a feelin’ it’s her. Them little knocks comin’ from them little fists. I turn the light on, unlockin' the door and crackin' it open.

“I’m sorry.. I was trying to call.. But it kept going straight to voicemail.” Chase. She’s lookin’ at me like a shy little girl, tryin’ to explain herself.

I let her in and she’s actin’ like it’s her first time in my apartment.

“I know you said tomorrow.. Or something..” she pushes the hair from her face, “But.. I wanted to see you..” she giggles, “and technically, it’s tomorrow if you think about it.”

I’m just lookin’ at her and I got things I wanna say to all that but I ain’t sure how to actually make words outta what I’m feelin’. And goddamn, she’s so beautiful. Even more so cause I’m seein’ her when I wasn’t expectin’ to and it’s catchin’ me off guard just like she did the first time I saw her at Henley’s. Makin’ it hard for me to think ‘bout anythin’ other than gettin’ her out of them clothes. She starts touchin’ on my bare chest and I’m stuck between a dream and reality.

“I didn’t like how we left things tonight..” her voice is real low and quiet, “and when your phone was off.. It kinda worried me..”

“Didn’t mean to get you worried..” And that’s all I got. I don’t know why but I’m feelin’ like I’m on a reality show or somethin’ with hidden cameras. Like I’m gettin’ punk’d. Like fuckin’ Merle is waitin’ outside to bust through the door and call me a pussy.

She sighs, lookin’ at me intensely like she’s tryin’ to figure me out or somethin’, “Did I wake you?”

“No.”

“Wanna talk?”

“”Bout what?” I shake my head and walk over to the kitchen, “want somethin’ to drink?”

She takes a deep breath and plops down on the couch, takin’ them boots off, “Sure.”

She’s actin’ kinda weird. Not her usual gitty self. Maybe she’s just tired. Fuck man, I wish chicks came with a damn manual cause I’m so lost. All I got is booze and water so I bring her a glass with ice. Water, that is.

“Are you mad at me?” she takes the glass.

“I got no reason to be mad at you.” I sit next to her.

“I’m mad at myself though..” she pauses, takin’ a drink of water, “I know I’m not the easiest person to be friends with.”

That damn fuckin’ word again.

“You ain’t exactly the hardest person neither.” I pause, “Pretty easy friend to me… I mean… to get along with”

“Well, you’re my best friend, Daryl Dixon.” she sighs, “I know it sounds fucking stupid and lame.. Like we’re little girls in grade school..” she’s rollin’ her eyes, “But you are… and Penny’s my girl... But...no one gets me like you do. No one has ever just let me be…well, me.. Like you do.”

“I bet you got plenty of friends back home in New York too.”

“No..not really.. not like you.” she’s runnin’ her hand up my thigh like she would touch on somebody who was more than her friend and I ain’t gonna lie but it’s startin’ to piss me off a little. And I know we’re friends with benefits or whatever but what do I do ‘bout wantin’ to be more than that if she don’t? I’m gonna keep likin’ her more and more until it kills me.. and then what? I don’t know how to handle all this. And I ain’t too prepared to be led on like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love fuckin’ her. But not at the cost of me completely playin’ myself.

“I gotta go to bed.” I stand up and fix my pants a little cause havin’ her next to me and touchin’ me like that makes my dick hard.

She sits back on the couch and pulls her knees up to her chest, “If you want me to go, just say it.”

“I don’t.. I never do..”

She stands up in front of me and I’m like a foot taller than her when she ain’t got no shoes on. She wraps her arms around my waist and I can’t fight myself from huggin’ her back. Not that I wanna not do them things with her. I just.. I don’t know.. It’s complicated..

“Hey..” I loosen my grip around her and bring my hand to her chin to lift her face a little, “you good?”

She don’t say a word as she’s pullin’ me down to her and starts kissin’ me. And I’m drownin’ in her again. Grabbin’ her up in my arms and she’s wrappin’ her legs around me, sittin’ that ass right in my hands. We’re makin’ out like crazy and I gotta have her. I take her right to my room, layin' her on my bed, tryin’ not to rip her clothes to shreds. I manage to get that perfect little body naked and I can’t take my eyes off her. Them curves. That pussy. All them tattoos and that sexy fuckin’ look on her face when she’s bitin’ on her lip, silently beggin’ me to fuck her. She keeps her little pussy smooth but I wouldn’t mind if she didn’t. I’m touchin’ between her thighs and she’s so wet my fingers are slidin’ over her parts like butter. She’s squirmin’ and softly moanin’ while I’m teasin’ her clit.

“I just want you inside me.. Please..” she got her legs wide open, her chest risin’ and fallin’ and she’s lookin’ up at me like she’s desperate, “I need you.”

I pull my pants and boxer briefs off and plunge right in. I love the sound she makes on that first thrust. That first moment of penetration. Like it takes her breath away and she has to learn how to breathe all over again. And all of a sudden, even fuckin’ her, I’m confused. I wanna bang the shit out of her but then again I want to hold her and go slow and feel her heart beatin’. Show her that I’m not just a fuck buddy. Goddamnit, Daryl.. You really are a fuckin’ pussy.. Where the fuck did all these damn feelin's come from?

I shake them thoughts off and grow a damn pair of balls, pushin’ my cock deep in that tight pussy, slammin’ into her, makin’ her squeal. Takin’ back some control for once. I start suckin’ on her nipples a little before flippin’ her over on her stomach. I’m manhandlin’ her and she fuckin’ loves it, stickin’ that round ass up in the air for me. Like she knows I like it. I reach over and grab the bottle of lube from my drawer, drippin’ it down the crack of her ass.

She’s gigglin’, lookin’ back at me. Before she can say anythin’, I slide my cock inside of her again. I lift her up on her knees so I can spread her ass. Get a better view of that pussy swallowin’ my dick whole. I slide my fingers over her tight little asshole and get ‘em all lubed up. She’s makin’ all kindsa sounds and I’m slidin’ my finger in. Her ass is so tight, fightin’ with me before finally givin’ in and lettin’ me inside. If her ass feels this good around my finger, I can only imagine how my dick is gonna feel. I pull out of her pussy and I’m so fuckin’ hard thinkin’ ‘bout fuckin’ her in every hole.

“You owe me..” I lean over and push her long hair to the side so I can see her face lookin’ back at me, “I’m takin’ whats mine.”

She’s got her mouth wide open, breathin’ heavy as I’m fingerin’ her ass. That girl is a fuckin’ freak cause she’s buryin’ her face in the pillow, reachin’ her arms back to spread her ass cheeks for me, “Fair and square, Baby..” she’s talkin’ in moans.

Fuck. I’m so turned on. I grab the lube and squeeze it all over my dick, wettin’ it up real good. Damn. I got my hand wrapped around my thick shaft feelin’ kinda sorry for her cause I’m ‘bout to stretch her real wide. I do some more work with my fingers for a few minutes to get her ready for me, squeezin’ some more lube down her crack. Fuck, this is a nice view. I really do acknowledge and appreciate how goddamn lucky I am. Thank you, Lord, for what I’m ‘bout to receive..

I start teasin’ that tight little balloon knot with the head of my cock, just knockin’ on the door, “Play with yourself..” I order. And she does. I got her face down, rubbin’ on her pussy while I’m tryin’ to get the tip of my cock in her ass. It takes a little time, but I got all the time in the world. New noises I ain’t never heard before comin’ out her mouth as her ass is slowly suckin’ me in. Fuck. Holy.. shit.. Goddamn.. she's so mother fuckin' tight. So warm. She grippin’ the sheets with her free hand, yellin’ choice words into the pillow to muffle the sounds.

“Fffuuuuccckkk…” she’s breathin’ heavy and her legs are shaky.

I ain’t tryin’ to hurt her but I know she would tell me to stop if I was, so I push a little deeper. Give her another inch to take in. She’s a damn trooper takin’ half my cock in that little asshole like that but I think she needs more. I spread her cheeks to watch myself move in and out of her slowly. Gettin’ just a little bit deeper with each thrust. She’s so small, I wonder how she’s fittin’ all of me in that slight body. I don’t even think she knows how much her bite size little self gets me goin’. I wanna fuck her harder so I pick up the pace. She yelps and whimpers into the pillow, both hands rippin’ at the bedsheets. As much as I’m tryin’ to, I don’t think I can get my whole cock in her cause she’s really strugglin’, clentchin’ her little toes and cryin’ out. She’s sayin’, ‘Ow’ so I slow it down, only givin’ her half my shaft now so she don’t completely hate me when this is all over. It's kinda sick, but havin’ her under me like this all helpless is turnin’ me on so fuckin’ much. All that mixed with how amazing her asshole feels squeezin’ the life outta my dick is drivin’ me outta my mind. It's like a little suction cup. I grab her hair, not too hard but hard enough, motioning for her to get on all fours and she does. I wanna hear her yellin’ while I’m cummin’ inside her. I can feel her body acceptin’ me and gettin’ used to me a little more as I’m able to thrust harder and faster. She’s callin’ out to God while I’m bustin’ my hot load in her ass. This fuckin’ girl. I swear..

My heart is beatin’ straight outta my chest and I came so hard I got lightheaded. I gather myself and pull my still hard cock out of her ass, leavin’ her hole nice and stretched, drippin’ warm cum. I wanna get up and grab a towel or somethin’ but I can’t fuckin’ move. I fall on the bed next to her and she’s still on her stomach, lookin’ at me with big wide eyes and her mouth hung open. She’s still tryin’ to catch her breath and I push all her hair out her face. She’s tryin’ to move and it’s takin’ her longer than usual.

“You good?” I ask and I'm hopin’ she doesn’t smack me in the face for roughin’ her up like that.

“Soo… uummm…” she finally manages to turn to her side, layin’ down facin’ me, gettin’ all tongue tied, “I want that.. I want more of that..” she’s laughin’ and blushin’, “Not now! God… I’ll die..”

“You felt amazin’..” I’m lookin’ at her, “you always do.”

Them big brown eyes are glued to mine and she’s shakin’ her head like she’s witnessin’ somethin’ new to her. Like somethin’ she never seen before. She bites her bottom lip, “Daryl Dixon…” she pauses, “Hold on..”

“What?”

She gets up and walks out the room and comes back 30 seconds later with somethin’ in her hand. She sits down and hands it to me. A folded piece of paper and a pen. She looks away and I open it:

 

'So.. I've been thinking.. I do like you more than friends. I’m just afraid I’ll mess things up. But tonight I realized I think I’m ready to take that chance. So I got a question for you, Jerkface:

Daryl Dixon, will you be my boyfriend? ____ yes :) ____no :( '

 

I feel my face burn up and I’m fuckin’ nervous as hell. I start sweatin’ a little and my stomach feels all weird. Like really weird. My mouth gets all dry and my heart is poundin’. I look at her and she’s not lookin’ at me, playin’ with her hair. Fuck.. she wants to be with me the way I wanna be with her? Is this for real though? Fuckin’ hidden camera feelin’ is back.. Was it the anal? Damn, Daryl.. Don’t blow this.. You’re takin’ too long.. Fuckin’ act like an adult.. Yup.. like an adult passin’ notes.. exactly.. Ok.. so I click the pen and put a check mark on the line next to ‘yes’ cause I want this more than anythin' but I gotta play it cool. I hand it to her, watchin’ her open it up. She starts gigglin’ and looks at me. Jesus, fuck, why am I so nervous and awkward right now? Fuckin' 39 goin' on 16..

She’s movin’ closer to me, layin’ her head on my shoulder, “You should get some sleep..”

Maybe now I’ll be able to. That girl. I kinda feel like a weight was just lifted off my shoulders. I never wanted nothin’ in life like I want her. I ain't prepared to understand how it just consumed me but it did. And I just want her around all the time. I got the urge to wanna take care of her and make her happy cause she deserves it. And I’m not gonna fuck it up. Not this time. I’mma get us outta this town. Maybe I could get a better job or even a second one so she don’t gotta work. Startin’ to feel like I finally found what was missin’. What was fuckin’ keepin’ me here all these years. I was waitin’ on her.


	9. Girls Gone Wild

“Ooohh.. I fucking like that..” She’s smilin’ like crazy and bitin’ on her bottom lip. Lookin’ me up and down like a piece of meat.

“Hmm..” I’m standin’ in front of the mirror in this dressin’ room feelin’ awkward as all hell. I got on this short sleeve button down shirt but I’m thinkin’ it’s too fuckin’ tight. ‘Specially in the arms. And I dunno ‘bout them colors. And this goddamn tag is itchin’ me.

She’s got them inked up arms crossed lookin’ at me in the mirror, “You hate it so much.” she’s laughin’ and shakin’ her head.

“Shirt ain’t fittin’ me right.” I’m tryin’ to cross my arms but the damn shirt is so fuckin’ tight I’m settin’ myself up to rip right out of it.

“It’s those sexy arms and broad shoulders.” She’s grinnin’ pullin’ her phone out to take a picture.

“Why?” I’m shakin’ my head, “Why you gonna go an’ do that?”

She snaps a pic, “Because my boyfriend is fucking hot.. Jerk off material for later..”

“Whatever you say..” I scoff, “This store ain’t got nothin’.”

“So fuck this store then.” She shrugs, “Let’s go somewhere else.”

“Alright.”

I turn around to walk back in the fittin’ room and close the door but that girl pushes me inside and up against the wall. She’s pretty strong for such a slight little thing and she locks the door and starts kissin’ on me all crazy and I’m kissin’ her back, grabbin’ on her ass.

“Shhh..” she’s lookin’ up at me with them big brown eyes, puttin’ a little painted finger to my lips and I do what the lady says. She locks the door and starts takin’ my pants down, wastin’ no time slidin’ my dick in her mouth. I got my hands all in her hair, tryin’ to stay cool and not worry ‘bout all them people out there in the store yappin’ and goin’ on ‘bout their business while I’m in here gettin’ my dick sucked. Fuck, it feels so fuckin’ good..

I close my eyes and lay my head back against the wall. She’s suckin’ and jerkin’ me and I’m tryin’ not to make noise but, fuck.. What the..? Somethin’ hits me in the face and I open my eyes and grab for it. Damn. That girl. Black lace panties. I can’t not smell ‘em so I do and they smell fuckin’ delicious like I knew they would. Smellin’ like her and I’m imaginin’ that ass and her sweet pussy just hangin’ out under that skirt she got on. She slides that little body up against mine, holdin’ my dick in her hand.

Them big brown eyes starin’ up at me, “Fuck me..” she’s whisperin’, grabbin’ my hand and slippin’ it under her skirt. She’s so soft. Hot and all kindsa wet.

I ain’t at all prepared to say no, so I lift her up easily and she wraps them little legs around me. It takes me a few seconds to get it right, but I do and she’s gaspin’ when she feels me inside her. She’s holdin’ on and I’m grippin’ her ass movin’ her up and down on my cock. She’s tryin’ to be quiet as I’m slammin’ her tryin’ not to make too much noise. I go to wrap my arms around her for better leverage and I feel a pop and hear a rippin’ sound. Fuck. That damn shirt.

I’m lookin’ at her like ‘oh shit.’ and she’s lookin’ at me with them eyes and then we both start laughin’. Fuck this shirt. Her giggles turn to a soft moan real quick and I got her up against the wall now, puttin’ my finger to her lips like she did to me. The thought of somebody out there hearin’ her and findin’ out what we’re doin’ got me turned on now and I’m slidin’ in and out of her a little faster. Breathin’ heavy and holdin’ onto each other, we start makin’ out and everythin' we’re doin’ is too much and I can’t hold on no more. She puts her hand over my mouth cause she knows I’m cummin’ and she grinds them hips holdin’ onto me with one hand like she’s ridin’ a goddamn mechanical bull. Jesus Fuck. I unload inside her, still holdin’ her in my arms. We both got a ‘oh shit’ look on our faces now, tryin’ to figure out if anyone heard what we were doin’. Realizin' we really just fucked in the men's fittin' room, tryin’ to casually plan our escape. I let her down slowly and she’s diggin’ in her bag pullin’ out a tissue to clean herself up with while I’m takin’ this damn fuckin’ shirt off and puttin’ mine back on.

“Here.” she’s whisperin’, cleanin’ my dick off.

She’s slippin’ them sexy panties back on and I’m pullin’ my pants up.

“I’ll go out first.. Meet me in front..” she’s fixin’ that long dark hair, and wipin’ under her eyes real quick before she walks out like it ain't nothin'.

I take a few deep breaths cause this girl got me goin’ out my mind with them things she’s doin’ to me. I check the shirt out where I ripped it and hang it back on the hanger cause you can’t even tell if you ain’t lookin’ for it. Ain’t nobody gonna figure it was me. Maybe I’m takin’ too long in here and she’s thinkin’ I’m actin’ like a little bitch so I hurry on out and close the door behind me, tryin’ to play it cool and fixin’ my hair in the mirror before I walk out to the front of the store. I feel like everybody’s just starin’ at me even though ain’t nobody givin’ a fuck. That girl, she’s waitin’ for me right outside the store leanin’ against the railing.

“Did you take a nap, old man?” She’s gigglin’. Wearin’ that skirt like it was made for her. Black and huggin’ them curves just right.

“Nah. But that does sound like a good idea.” I put my arm around her, “I need a smoke.”

She’s huggin’ them little arms around me and we start walkin’ through the mall, “Again, Daryl?” she’s lookin’ up at me raisin’ that eyebrow, “Can we go in Express first?”

“How ‘bout you go in Express or whatever and I’mma go have a smoke real quick and meet you.”

She sighs, “Fine, fucker.”

“Don’t let nobody try and talk to you, neither..” I pull her closer to me.

“Oh, please.. Go fucking smoke!” she’s laughin’ and walkin’ off toward the store.

I find the closest exit and make my way outside, lightin' up a cig and takin’ a long pull. Fuck, I needed that..I’m watchin’ people walkin’ by and smilin’ and laughin’ and shit and for the first time, it makes me smile a little too instead of think 'bout how stupid they all are for bein' happy. I get it now cause I been feelin' happy too. That girl got me lookin’ forward to livin’. She got me actually wantin’ to open up my eyes when my alarm goes off cause I know she’ll be layin’ next to me and I’ll get to see her. And I like seein’ her in the mornin’ when I wake up and at night before I sleep. I want her around all the time. Even right now, bein’ out here smokin’ is keepin’ me away from her and givin’ me withdrawals. We been able to do more things together than just stayin’ up all night when she gets outta work before I gotta head to the shop cause she got more early shifts at the bar. And we been tryin’ to work our schedule so we get the same days off. Today, we both got the day off so we decided to go to the mall cause I keep complainin’ that I ain’t got nothin’ to wear. And I could use her opinion pickin’ stuff out cause I want her to think I look good.

Fuckin’ cigarettes. Sometimes I wish I could just quit. Got me out here by myself like a loser when I should be in there spendin’ time with my girlfriend. Still gettin' used to sayin' that. But all them things we did in that fittin’ room got me seriously needin’ one. I take one last pull and toss it, blowin’ smoke out my lungs and headin’ back inside to find my girl. Express. Ok.. I walk in and there she is, holdin’ a black dress up to herself in front of a mirror. I can’t help smilin’ when I see her.

“Damn. You would look so hot in that.” I come up behind her and kiss on her neck. She starts laughin’ and smilin’.

“Sold!” she’s blushin’ and gettin’ all excited, “I picked these out for you! Oh my God, I live for this one!” She’s pickin’ up a pile of shit off the rack, “And this fucking jacket.. I mean.. Can you even?”

“I.. can’t.. even..” I make fun of her, actin’ all dramatic for no reason.

“You’re an ass!” She’s laughin’ takin’ the jacket off the hanger, “Try it on!”

It’s a black biker lookin’ jacket with elbow pad lookin’ things. I don’t know too much ‘bout fashion and what you call them designs but the jacket’s pretty nice so I try it on and it actually fits. Hmm.. I’m likin’ it.

She’s gaspin’, “You look so fucking sexy right now..Look in the mirror..”

Damn. I gotta admit, I’m lookin’ pretty good. Hhmmm.. ok.. I’m realizin’ I really need to be dressin’ better cause I ain’t no little kid no more and maybe I should put in some effort instead of not givin’ a fuck. ‘Specially now that I got that girl on my arm. It ain’t like I’m wearin’ a monkey suit or some shit. Just.. cleanin’ up a little better. Representin’ her cause she damn well is doin’ a hell of a job respresentin’ my redneck ass.

“You like it?” She’s bitin’ on her lip in anticipation.

“Mmhhmm..” I nod, takin’ it off.

“Good! I’m getting it for you.” She snatches it up and tucks it under her arm, “Try the other stuff on too! This store is the shit. Seriously.”

“No. You ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for me.” No way I’mma let her buy me shit. She can save her money and buy herself somethin’ nice.

“I want to buy you the jacket, Babe..”

“You ain’t gotta do all that.” I shake my head, not feelin’ too good ‘bout this.

“Your birthday is in a few weeks.. Consider it an early birthday gift.” She’s lookin’ at me with both them eyebrows raised and she can tell I ain’t havin’ none of that, “Daryl Dixon…”

I ain’t used to nobody buyin’ me shit. Not for my birthday, not for no holidays, not for nothin’. It don’t make me feel right. She was brought up different than me. Different culture, different everythin’. Big city and huge family. Lots of friends and shit. But I like that ‘bout her. How she grew up in New York is a whole ‘nother world than how I grew up here. Way fuckin’ different. But I gotta learn to open up and let go some if I’m gonna be able to have a real relationship with this girl. And that’s all I want is to make it work with her. So we go back and forth some more ‘bout how she wants to buy me that jacket and how I want to buy it myself. Stupid. So we compromise and I let her buy it for me only if she lets me buy her that dress. Baby steps. It ain’t like she ain’t actually payin’ for it. She is and it’s still a nice thing she’s doin’ for me. I make sure she knows that it means somethin’ to me havin’ her buy that jacket. But I think she already knows.

We walk around some more, goin’ into a bunch of stores. I ain’t used to spendin’ all this time in no shoppin’ mall, but with her, anythin’ we get to doin’ is the best time I ever had. I sound like such a pussy, but whatever. What do I care what these fuckin’ people out here think ‘bout me? As long as that girl likes me, I’m doin’ somethin’ right.

“You hungry yet?” I’m askin’ her with my arms full up with bags. Cause I’m a gentleman and ain’t no way I’m lettin’ her carry nothin’.

“I can’t even believe you still feel the need to ask me that..” She’s laughin’, “Of course I’m hungry! But, let’s go somewhere else.. I’m so over the food court. Hashtag snob.”

“Lupita’s?” I ask as we’re walkin’ outside and headin’ to the car. I’m realizin’ I ain’t got a clue what time it is but it feels like we been in that mall forever.

“Fucking A, I was literally just gonna say let’s go to Lupita’s!” She’s gettin’ all excited and puttin’ her hand to her chest all dramatic, “Daryl.. You leave me speechless.. I swear..”

“Yet you don’t ever quit yappin’.” I shake my head, tryin’ to keep a straight face.

She’s laughin’ and pushin’ me, “Fucker..”

We walk a few more feet to the truck and start puttin’ all the bags in and I start realizin’ how hungry I am. Shoppin’ with this girl is like a full contact sport. I’m fuckin’ wiped out. I look at my phone and it’s already 4:30. Shit. Well, at least we’ll be in time for happy hour. We get in my truck and I start to pull out of the parkin' spot when somethin’ hits the side of my truck.

“The fuck?” I hit the brake, “The hell was that?”

"Sounded like..food?" She's lookin' just as confused as I am.

“Fuck you, you old piece of shit!” Somebody’s hollerin’ outside and I’m all kindsa confused until I see her in the rear view mirror. Fucking shit. Beth. Goddammit.

“Oh, fuck that!” Chase rips her seatbelt off and hops out the truck hollerin’, “I’m sick of your shit, bitch! Throwing shit at his truck? Grow the fuck up!”

I put the truck in park and jump out, runnin’ over to my girl, “It ain’t worth it.. Come on..”

“Oh my God, wait… you’re still around?!” Beth yells at Chase. She got some other chick with her I ain’t never seen before and she’s tryin’ to be all tough, “I feel soo fuckin’ bad for you!”

“You wanna get fucked up keep talking! I’m dying to rearrange your little cunt face! I swear to fucking Christ, now’s your chance to apologize to my man and walk away!” Chase is pissed off and clenchin’ them little fists. Clenchin’ them white teeth.

I should be tryin’ to stop it. I should be grabbin’ my girl up, throwin’ her in the truck and leavin’. But I gotta admit.. She’s really turnin’ me on the way she’s defendin’ me like that.. But, fuck.. am I lookin' like a jerk off just not doin' nothin' right now?

Beth and her little friend start gigglin’, “Wow, Dixon.. So glad you finally found the disgusting piece of gutter trash worthy of your bullshit!”

“Cut the shit, Beth... Don't talk 'bout her like that...just go..” I’m lookin’ at Beth and she’s turnin’ all red. She's pissin' me off with them things she's sayin' 'bout Chase but I ain't prepared to lose my shit on no girl.

“You don’t fucking get to talk to me! Ever!” Beth’s gettin’ all upset.

“Apologize. Right now. You got 5 seconds.” Chase crosses her arms, “5...4..”

“Go fuck yourself, bitch!” Beth grabs her friends soda out her hand and throws it at Chase.

“Oh, this fucking bitch!” Chase lunges her little self toward Beth and grabs a chunk of her blonde hair, punchin’ her in the face.

I’m tryin’ to break it up and I’m feelin’ bad cause I let it go too far. Beth’s friend ain’t much of a friend if you ask me cause all she’s doin’ is just standin’ there yellin’ while I’m tryin’ to get these 2 girls off each other. Chase is wailin’ on her and I’m realizin’ this ain’t a fair fight at all. My girl is fuckin’ Beth up. Beth is pullin' on her hair and I'm doin' my best to pry them apart but it ain't workin'. A few people startin' to stand ‘round lookin’ and after I catch a few kicks and take a few body shots, I finally get Chase off of her. Beth’s friend grabs the little blonde and holds her back. She’s bleedin’ from her nose and got a fat lip.

“You crazy psycho whore!” Beth is cryin’ out, “This ain’t over!”

“Bring it, Shitface!” Chase laughs, holdin’ her arms out as I'm carryin' her, “I’ll whoop that ass anytime!”

“Beth! Stop! Let’s go!” her little friend is pullin’ her away.

I’m grabbin’ Chase up and takin’ her to the other side of the truck, away from everybody, to see if she’s ok. She got sticky soda all over her and she’s out of breath. Her face is kinda red and got some of her eye makeup all over her face but she’s ok. I take my shirt off and start cleanin’ her face. Them big brown eyes wide and starin’ up at me gettin’ a little watery.

"She fucking caught me in the face.. am I bleeding?"

“Nah, no blood. You ok?” I’m wipin’ the makeup off her cheek and fixin’ her hair. I’m feelin’ like an asshole for not breakin’ it up before it got physical.

“Oh, I’m definitely ok.. I just hope you aren’t mad at me for going ape shit on her ass..” She's a little shaky from the adrenaline still tryin' to catch her breath.

“I ain’t mad at you, not one bit.. Kinda mad at myself for lettin’ it get that far before stoppin’ it.”

She’s lookin’ down at herself, touchin’ her sticky wet clothes and sighin’, “You did stop it. Lucky for her cause I woulda killed her.… shit.. I can’t believe that trick threw her soda at me..”

“I ain’t sayin’ I’m all happy and glad all that happened.. but if feels good knowin’ you got my back.. That was kinda hot.. I mean.. No.. you shouldn't be fightin' like that..”

“I’m a ride or die, chick, Daryl Dixon. I refuse to sit back and let some prissy bitch talk all that shit about my man. And since she doesn’t have a dick and you can’t hit her, I had to beat her ass for you. It’s only right.”

“You ain’t gotta go doin’ that for me. It ain’t worth it.”

She sighs, crossin’ her arms, “I don’t want you to think I have anger issues. Or I’m a loose cannon. I just… I couldn’t take it. Honestly, the things she said to you before.. That night we drove to Tennessee.. Made me so mad.. you don’t deserve all that..”

“Chase.. Them things I did to that girl.. It was fucked up.. I ain’t exactly the good guy here. She got every right to be hatin’ me.”

“Well if that’s the case, she can hate you in silence on her own damn time. Not mine.. Besides.. She fucking starts it! She clearly isn’t over you if she’s not mature enough to let it go. I mean, how many years passed? And she’s still all butt hurt and crying about it? Fuck. And I thought I had problems. Hhmm..”

I put my shirt back on and hug on her, gettin’ soda on me but I ain’t givin’ a shit.

“Come on, let’s go. Get you outta them clothes.. I’m thinkin’ we could just stay in tonight. Order pizza or somethin’.”

“I think I like that idea.” She’s huggin’ me back.

"You sure you good?"

"I'm good, baby.. that was seriously a play fight. I'm not even dwelling on it. You shouldn't either."

I open the passenger door and help her climb up inside before gettin’ in. My truck was still runnin’ and parked all sideways. What a fuckin’ day. That girl, she literally gives no fucks. Not one goddamn fuck. She ain't even stressed out or nothin'. Just had a physical altercation with my ex-girlfriend and she ain't even battin' an eyelash. And she’s sittin’ there puttin’ her seatbelt on lookin’ all pretty and I’m thinkin’ ‘bout how much I like her. I mean.. I more than like her. But.. I don’t really know what that means. I’m feelin’ things I never felt for nobody. Not nobody. Not my mother. Not Merle. Not Beth. Not nobody. I ain’t never felt an attachment to nobody like I do with her. Knowin’ I got a girl like that who got my back makes me think she really gives a fuck ‘bout me. And that’s all I want is for her to feel ‘bout me the way I feel ‘bout her. I’m always thinkin’ ‘bout her and she’s all I care ‘bout. It sounds like some fuckin' lame chick flick bullshit, but it's true. I don’t need nobody else in this life. It sounds fucked up, but if everybody disappeared and it was only me and her, I would be the happiest piece of shit in the world. I still don’t think I’m good enough for her but I want that girl so bad I’m gonna keep tryin’ to be the best boyfriend she ever had cause she deserves it. And with all the shit I been through in my fucked up life, I’m ready to be happy and settle down. But I only want all that with her. I don’t really know what it’s like.. I mean.. I ain’t really ever known.. but this girl got me feelin’... well.. I’m thinkin’ I might be.. you know.. I’m feelin’ like I wanna hold her hand so I do. And she’s holdin’ my hand right back while we drive to my place where it’s only me and her. Just the way I like it.


	10. Wake Up To Fuck Up

'You keep saying she’s nice but I have yet to see a lick of that…’

 

I don’t care. I don’t fuckin’ care, Chase.. I’m shakin’ my head, takin’ another pull of my smoke standin’ outside the shop textin’ with my relentless girlfriend ‘bout shit that don’t matter. I’m typin’ up a long ass response with this cigarette hangin’ out my mouth wonderin’, if we even gotta have this conversation in the first place, why we ain’t just havin’ it verbally:

 

‘Why we still talkin bout her? Its done.. Its over.. I aint thinkin bout her like that.. You shouldnt be neither.. You said you were ok bout it so lets just leave it alone. I really aint tryin to spend my day talkin to you havin it be all bout Beth.’

 

Little fingers fast as hell with them replies:

 

‘You’re right, I’m just saying. She’s a fucking troll. I told Penny what happened yesterday and let myself get pissed the fuck off again. Ugghhh cannot even believe she tried it.. Do not come at me.. You will not fucking win.. Ugh.. ok I’m done.. lol’

‘Miss you baby.. Glad we stayed in last night.. I like cuddle time :):) how’s your day???????’

 

Cuddle time.. Who the fuck have I become? I take another pull makin’ sure Mike ain’t lookin’ at me. Not like he can see what I’m typin’. Not that I really give a shit either way:

 

‘Miss you too.. days goin ok. Hope you aint too bored at the bar. Goin’ home first after or comin’ straight over?’

 

I light another cigarette cause that last one ain’t cut it. Plus I ain’t really wantin’ to get back to work. Mike got me covered just in case TJ got some bullshit to say ‘bout me takin’ a few minutes. Another crazy fast reply:

 

‘Not so bad today! Got customers and they’re being real sweet with the tips! Dirty old men, of course ;)’

‘Gonna run home to pick up some clothes and shit. Can’t fucking wait to kiss you..’

 

She always gets me goin’ with that sweet shit. When she says she wants to kiss me and cuddle. Hug up on me and just hang out instead of all that dirty fuckin’ talk. It makes me feel like she really digs me for me and likes to hang out with me. Makes me think she likes my personality. And that I actually even got one to like in the first place.

 

‘Why dont you just live at my place. I mean.. you aint gotta pay no rent. and you always here anyway. Just sayin’

 

I’m takin’ another pull waitin’ on that quick text back but it ain’t comin’. Hmmm. I mean, she’s at work so she’s probably just pourin’ drinks and shit for them old fucks. I’m realizin’ I’m actin’ all desperate just starin’ at my phone waitin’. No I’m startin’ to feel all anxious. Fuck. Did I say somethin’ wrong?

 

‘I’m just sayin it wont be changin nothin ya know? but it was just a thought and nothin too serious.. just figurin you aint gotta pay no rent and it could help you out and shit. Umm but yeah cant wait to kiss you later.. could kiss on them lips for hours..’

 

I finish my second smoke and toss it and she still ain’t answerin’ me. I’m feelin’ kinda nervous and not too good cause I think I mighta just fucked up. Askin’ her to move in with me is kinda crazy. And I’m just realizin’ that’s basically what the fuck I just did. Shit. I mean.. I was just thinkin’ ‘bout it logically, I guess.. she really already kinda sorta lives with me but just don’t got all her stuff there. And she’s payin’ rent on a place she ain’t even ever at no more than 10 minutes every few days to pick up clean shit to wear. Don’t it make sense what I’m sayin’ though? Shit.. I’mma be all fucked up in the head til I talk to her.. I’m feelin’ like I wanna call her but that’s just gonna make me look like a little fuckin’ bitch. More of a little goddamn pussy than I already look like.

 

“Well, well, well.. If it ain’t that little Dixon boy.. hidin’ out all by his self..”

Merle. What. The. Fuck. I’m so lost in my damn thoughts, I ain’t even hear him creepin’ up on me. Now is not the fuckin’ time.

“What you doin’ here?” I grunt with a straight face, “I’m workin’.”

“Yeah, you workin’ alright.. back here sendin’ dick pics to that little girl you been followin’ ‘round.. Mmm Mmm..” Merle got that stupid lookin’ smirk on his face.

“What do you want, Merle.. Make it quick, I gotta get back to work..”

“What? You actin’ like you ain’t happy to see me.. ignorin’ my calls and shit. You too good for family now? Doin’ me dirty like I ain’t matter to you no more..” he’s actin’ like he gives a shit. Whatever. Reelin’ me in just to fuck with me all over again. I’m so sick of it.

“You clean?” I ask, slippin’ my phone in my pocket and crossin’ my arms.

“That what you think of me, little brother? Just some piece a shit junkie?”

I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ cause I got not a damn thing to say ‘bout that. I’m just starin’ at him.

“I came here to see ya, kid..Miss ya.” Merle’s lettin’ his guard down. But I ain’t too sure I should just yet. “I wanna meet that girl been takin’ you away from me. My little brother got himself a real flesh an’ blood girlfriend! I hear she even got a pulse!” he starts laughin’ but I ain’t fuckin’ laughin’, “Ey, I’m fuckin’ with ya!”

“I gotta go.” I ain’t entertainin’ his bullshit and I turn to walk back inside.

“Hey! Don’t walk away from me, Daryl!”

I turn around and take a deep breath, “I ain’t walkin’ away from you.. ok?.. I’ll text ya later.. gotta do some work.. breaks over.”

Merle stands there lookin’ like he’s all upset and shit. Noddin’ his head and puttin’ his hands on his hips. His dumb ass actin’ like he needs time to process the simple shit I just said to ‘em, “Alright.. I get it..” he pauses, “Don’t say ya gonna text and then ya don’t.. I mean it.. I’ll come lookin’ for ya..”

I just nod, turnin’ around and walkin’ back into the shop, leavin’ him out there. I’m kinda feelin’ bad for him but then again, fuck him. I felt like I wanted to explode on him. Takin’ it all out on his ugly ass face. My father’s fuckin’ face. My damn face. He’s all I got, Merle. And I’m all he’s got. But to be fuckin’ brutally honest, I’d rather have nobody. Nobody with the last name Dixon, anyway. Just that girl. The one I got all these feelin’s for. The one who ain’t textin’ me back. Got me by the balls and ain’t lettin’ go. Just squeezin’ on ‘em. Fuck… I nod at Mike so he knows I’m back and he can stop watchin’ out for TJ. Got shit to do, so I’mma bust it out so I can get the fuck outta here. But first, I gotta see if she answered..

 

‘You’re cute. Lol’

 

That’s it? I’m feelin’ sick to my stomach and my skin is gettin’ all hot. I hate havin’ feelin’s.. Sometimes I think I liked it better when I fuckin’ didn’t. Ok I’mma just end this text shit then:

 

‘We can talk bout this later, ok?’

 

Them little lightning fingers are back:

 

‘Lol nothing to talk about. I’ll see you later, Jerky’

 

I throw my phone in my pocket and drink some water. I ain’t gonna think ‘bout it. I ain’t. I’mma focus on these brakes and them bikes I got. Quick fixes, nothin’ crazy. Bang ‘em all out and get the fuck outta here. I hate how much I allow that girl to make me feel things. Havin’ me in the palm of that tiny little hand. She ain’t tryin’ to be mean, I know that. But she’s just honest as all hell. And sometimes I ain’t tryin’ to hear what she got to say, but it’s the truth. Would I rather her be some timid lyin’ ass bitch, though? Nah. Cause I like knowin’ how she’s really feelin’. It ain’t her fault I can’t handle my shit when it comes to her. I can’t fuckin’ deal with all them things goin’ on in my head and my body on a daily basis. It’s kinda scary cause this girl could break me apart if she wanted to. She could rip my heart out and fuck me up for life if she wanted to. Just thinkin’ ‘bout that is makin’ me not feel too good. Paranoid as fuck. Not myself. This ain’t me. Whatever. I work my ass off until it's quitin' time.

“Dixon!!!” Mike really don’t realize how loud he is, “You drinkin’ tonight?”

I could fuckin’ use one.. “I dunno..”

“What time your girl workin’?”

“Right now. She been workin’ since 11:30.. Gettin’ out at 7.”

“You good, man?” Mike’s lookin’ at me, touchin’ on my shoulder, “You been actin’ kinda funny..”

“Funny?” I laugh, “Nah.. I’m good. Tired..” but maybe I ain’t too good. Maybe I could use a friend, “Hey… Mike.. uummm..” I’m pausin’ tryin’ to figure out what I’m actually tryin’ to say but all I’m doin’ is actin’ fuckin’ funny. Just like Mike said I was. “You ever feel like.. maybe.. I dunno.. nevermind.”

I never talked ‘bout my feelin’s. I never had mom ask me ‘bout my day. Ask me how I’m doin’. Merle never gave a fuck neither. Beth only talked ‘bout herself and her family and all the cool things happenin’ in her princess bubble. But it ain’t her fault. No matter what nobody says, she’s a good girl.

“Nah, man.. What’s eatin’ ya?” Mike genuinely gives a fuck, “I knew you wasn’t good.. I know you, D..”

“I dunno.. I think it’s all in my head..”

“This got to do with, Chase?”

Just hearin’ her name does things to me. Physical and emotional fuckin’ reactions. I swear her smile flashes before my eyes. Is this what the fuck is supposed to happen when you.. maybe..

“I think I’m in love with her.” I ain’t even realizin’ I’m sayin’ my thoughts out loud until Mike’s clappin’ them bony hands together.

“Ohh shit!” he’s carryin’ on and smilin’, “You thinkin’ you love her...or you knowin’? I mean.. pussy makes you say crazy things, ain’t I right?”

“Nah.. I'm knowin'.” I cross my arms, feelin’ kinda weird. I know. This ain’t just a good pussy high and this is way more than ‘like’.. “I think I fucked up.. but I ain’t sure.. I mean.. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doin’.. I’m gonna mess this up..”

“Maaaannn, you ain’t got nothin’ to worry ‘bout with that one.. the way she be lookin’ at ya.. she got it bad too.. Ya’ll are good together.. If I ever get to have me a girlfriend like you got, I wanna have just the same thing as ya’ll. I mean it, man.. you shouldn’t be worryin’ ‘bout fuckin’ shit up with her cause you the best guy I know, Daryl.. and she knows she got herself a good one.”

Damn. Hearin’ Mike say them things is really makin’ me feel better. And hearin’ myself admit that I love her makes me feel like I ain’t carryin’ that shit around with me. But fuck, I’m doin’ things all out of whack. I nod and smile a little.

“Thanks for bein’ my friend, Mike. I mean that shit.”

“Aaawww.. Dixon goin’ all soft on ol’ Mike!” he’s fuckin’ with my hair and touchin’ me again. Goddammit.

“Fuck you.” I pull away.

“There he is! He ain’t all lost!” Mike laughs, “Come on, let’s have a fuckin’ drink! We ain’t gotta go to Henley’s. Let’s hit up that piece a shit with them old ladies!”

I’m laughin’ cause that’s the worst place probably ever. Smells like pure piss and vomit. A fuckin’ old folks biker bar. Where all them washed up folks in North Georgia go to die. “Alright. But if that crazy broad is there, with the deep voice, I ain’t stayin’!”

“She want’s the cock!” Mike laughs.

“I ain’t fuckin’ around.”

“One drink.” Mike’s just lookin’ at me.

“One damn drink.”

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Just one..mmhhmmm... yup.. nope..

I ain’t even think to check my phone since we been here cause I’m too caught up fuckin’ Mike up on some darts and takin’ shots with them old ladies. I ain’t even think to check the time neither. Shit.

“Hey…” I’m yellin’ for Mike while he’s at the bar gettin’ more fuckin’ drinks that we ain’t needin’, “Goin’ for a smoke, be back.”

I head outside, light a cigarette and pull out my phone. Shit. Missed call from her. And texts. It’s fuckin’ 8:45? I’m a fuckin’ idiot. I take a long drag preparin’ myself to call her. Ok.. I’ts ringin’..

“Thank God!! Are you ok?!” She’s yellin’ soundin’ all worried.

“I’m good.. I’m.. uuhh.. I’m sorry I didn’t see you callin’ me..” I’m tryin’ not to sound like I been drinkin' too much, but it ain’t at all workin’ for me.

“Are you..drunk?” I swear I can hear that eyebrow goin’ up, “Where the hell are you?”

“Mike.. he wanted to come an’ have a drink..”

“But..where are you?”

“Dick’s.. no.. fuck..” I start laughin’, “Duke’s, not dicks… what the fuck am I sayin’?”

She’s laughin’ a little, “I mean.. whatever.. I just wish you would have told me so I wasn’t going out of my mind thinking you had an accident or something.. Fuck.. it’s not like you to just.. disappear.. I fucking thought you were dead in a ditch.”

“I got caught up with them darts, darlin’, I wasn’t tryin’-”

“You really don’t have to explain yourself to me, Daryl Dixon. I’m not your keeper.” She sighs, “Have fun with Mike.. I’m gonna stay at my place tonight, ok? No worries.”

“Noo.. no no, I’m comin’ home right now..”

“As a matter of fact.. how are you even getting home?”

“Why you gotta touch on me like that?!” I ain’t realizin’ I’m yellin’ in the phone while I’m yellin’ at Mike comin’ out here botherin’ me, “I’m sorry, gettin’ home.. Riiiggghhhtt..”

“You’re not riding home like this. No fucking way. I’m gonna come get you.”

“I left my bike at the shop.. Mike’s drivin’.”

“No. He’s not. I’m coming.. Is it Dick’s or Duke’s?”

I’m laughin’, “Duke’s… not Dick’s.. what a moron... me… not you… me.. I’m the moron..”

Mike starts dyin’ laughin’ makin’ me laugh more.

“You said it..” she ain’t laughin’, “Ok.. I’ll be there soon.”

“Ok..”

Click. Hhmm.. I ain’t that fuckin’ drunk. I mean.. I’m definitely not sober. But, drunk? I ain’t no light weight. I can’t tell if that girl is mad at me or not. And as drunk as I ain’t, I’m kinda feelin’ like I’m strikin’ out all around today. I lost track of time? What kinda bullshit is that? Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuccckkk.

“Chase ridin’ ya for bein’ shitfaced?” Mike is laughin’.

“I ain’t shitfaced. And no. She ain’t… but I gotta go..” I shake my head.

“I just got us more drinks! You ain’t gotta go yet!” Mike's gettin' all whiney.

“She’s comin’ to get me.” I’m fixin’ myself up cause I gotta get my shit together before she gets here. I light another cig and Mike is shakin’ his head.

“Damn. Never thought I’d see the day..”

“Yup.”

So I finish my smoke and go inside with Mike to drink them drinks he got us cause I ain’t tryin’ to leave ‘em like that. A few minutes after that she’s textin’ me that she’s outside so I say bye to Mike and head out to my truck. She’s sittin’ behind the wheel lookin’ so damn sexy just lookin’ at me with that smirk while I’m openin' the passenger seat door and gettin' in.

“You smell like cheap whiskey and cigarettes.” she’s shakin’ her pretty head, laughin’.

I lean in and kiss her and she’s still laughin’, not even really kissin’ me back. Damn. Alright. I leave her alone and put my seatbelt on. She’s drivin’ off and I’m feelin’ weird.

“You comin’ over right?” I’m lookin’ at her and she’s lookin’ at the road.

“I should go home tonight.”

“Yeah.. my place..” I smile.

“Don’t start.”

“Don’t start with what? What'd ya mean?"

“You know what I mean.” she ain’t even glancin’ at me.

“You mad at me or somethin’?” I ain't gettin' a good vibe from her and it's killin' me.

She ain’t even answerin’ me. She’s just drivin’. Whatever she got goin’ on in her head she ain’t lettin’ out this time.

“I’m talkin’ to you..” I’m lookin’ at her and she’s just ignorin’ me. I laugh to myself, shakin’ my head and just sittin’ back not sayin’ nothin’ until we get to my place and she pulls into my spot.

“Shit. You need your truck to get to work tomorrow.” She’s shuttin’ the engine off.

“Come inside. We’ll figure it out.”

We get out my truck and head up to my apartment. I put my arm around her and she ain’t pullin’ away but she ain’t exactly bein’ her usual self and huggin’ on me neither. I open the door, turnin’ on the lights and she walks in and just sits on the couch.

“Hey..” I’m sittin’ next to her, “What’s up?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t even fucking text me to let me know you were going out with Mike.” She's gettin' feisty.

“I really wasn’t expectin’ to be at that bar that long. I dunno.. one drink turned to a few more then we started playin’ darts and-”

“I don’t really care what you were doing, but you didn’t even think for a second to let me know you were even going in the first place? That's not even right, Daryl."

“I mean.. I wasn’t tryin’ to be there passed the time I would be meetin’ you here anyway so I didn’t think it was a problem. You mad cause I was out or you mad cause I ain’t let you know?”

She’s just lookin’ at me with them big brown eyes and she ain’t lookin’ too happy. Ain’t soundin’ too happy neither. Got them inked up arms crossed.

“I’m wrong for not lettin’ you know. I’m sorry. I ain’t mean to worry you.” I’m grabbin’ her little shoulder tryin’ to make her smile but she ain’t smilin’ not one bit.

“How long were you gonna be out getting bombed if I didn’t come get you? You’re all concerned about me staying over now, but you could give two shits earlier playing fucking stupid darts with Mike.. Is this the real Daryl Dixon I should expect or is this a one off?” She's scoldin' me like she's my mom or some shit and I ain't takin' a likin' to it not one bit.

“What kinda shit is that? If me and Mike were at Henley’s you wouldn’t be givin’ a fuck ‘bout me gettin’ all bombed and shit til 2 am though..” I’m gettin’ kinda annoyed now, “You still ain’t answer my question. But I guess you don’t have to cause I already know. You mad cause I'm hangin' out. Just say it.”

“Don’t get cute with me, Dixon. Do not come at me sideways because I am not the one.” She's puttin' that little painted finger up.

“What does that even mean?” All this New York slang bullshit. I ain't got no clue what she's sayin' half the time.

“It means, cut the shit because I’m not trying to fight with you right now!” she’s raisin’ her voice.

“I don’t wanna fight with you neither! I’m just tryin’ figure out why you so mad at me. I know I fucked up not callin’, I get that part.. But I’m thinkin’ you got more you wanna say to me.. and I ain’t tryin’ to fight. I’m just tryin’ to talk ‘bout it.”

“I’m not talking to you when you’re drunk, first off!”

“I’m not drunk, Chase. I know what I’m sayin’.” I’m lookin’ at her and she’s lookin’ at me, “I want this to work, I don’t want us to fight.. I'm feelin' like you all wound up and I'm tryin' to really understand where all this is comin' from cause I really never meant to upset you. You know I didn't.”

She’s just lookin’ at me and I’m grabbin’ for her hand. A smile, finally starts creepin’ across that beautiful face, “I overreacted.. as usual.. it's my fault.. I’m sorry.”

“It ain't your fault and you ain't gotta be sorry. I’m afraid I’m gonna fuck this up cause I’m not too good with bein' in a real relationship. And you went and got me fallin’ in love with you and I never had these feelin’s before and-”

“Wait, what?” She’s lookin’ at me like I just fucked up. Again, “What did you just say?”

“Ummm.. I said I-"

“No! Don’t! Don’t even say it..” she lets my hand go and jumps up, “First you ask me to move in with you... in a text message of all things...then you tell me you’re in love with me?! Fuck, Daryl!”

I really don’t know what I did wrong. I'm sittin' here with my mouth hung open feelin' like a pussy. Like my balls just retracted back up into my little bitch body. I really don’t like the way I’m feelin’ right now at all seein’ her reaction. I’m wishin’ I could just wake up again and do this fuckin’ day over. I fuckin' really hate this day. I don’t even know what to say anymore.

“I told you not to do that.” she's standin' her little body up just lookin' at me like she's upset with me for lovin' her. I stand up, lookin' at her with wide eyes cause I'm confused as shit.

“Not to do what? Fall in love with you? Ain’t like I had a choice!" I calm down tryin' not to raise my voice. I'm just so frustrated.. I take a deep breath and put my hand over my face for a second, "You confuse the fuck outta me, girl..What did you think was gonna happen? We’re in a relationship.. Unless this is your way of shuttin’ me up ‘bout bein’ friendzoned... do you even give a fuck ‘bout me at all?”

“You’re being so fucking dramatic right now, Daryl, I can't have this conversation!” She's yellin' and puttin' her hand up like she's tryin' to stop me from talkin' but I ain't fuckin' done yet.

“Chase.. I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna fight. I just wanna be with you. I can’t reverse how I feel. I can't stop it. To be honest, I don't wanna stop it. And I ain’t believin’ you ain’t feelin’ them same things. If you ain’t ready to say it, you ain’t gotta. Just don’t act like you don’t care ‘bout me. And about us. I’ll do anythin’ for you. I love you. I do. Fuck it. If I’m movin’ too fast, I get it. I just.. I don’t really know how this works.. I'm goin' with what feels right to me.. I’ll fuckin’ chill out.. but we ain’t gotta fight ‘bout it. Ain’t nothin’ bad goin’ on. Ok?” I'm calm and I'm talkin' to her, not yellin'. I mean what I'm sayin' and I want her to hear it.

She’s lookin’ at me like she’s gonna cry. And I’m really so fuckin' confused right now. I’m tryin’ to hold it together and not show her that she’s steppin’ all over my heart with the way she’s actin’. She’s not sayin’ nothin’ and I’m just standin’ up in front of her wantin’ to kiss and hug her so bad but she got me feelin’ like even though I can reach out and touch her, she got a wall up between us. And I don’t wanna...but maybe I need to give her some space.

“I’m gonna go home..” she’s holdin’ back from cryin’ and I could tell, “I just need to be alone.”

“Ok.. it’s ok..” I’m noddin’ my head and I can’t help but touch her hair, “I understand. Go on, take the truck.”

“No.. I can’t do that.”

“I want you to. I’m good. Mike’ll come get me in the mornin'. It ain't no big thing."

She grabs me and starts huggin’ on me, “I’m sorry.” She's wrappin' them little arms around my waist and I feel like I can breathe again.

Her hair smells so good. I’m huggin’ her back and she feels like what I always imagined home would feel like. And I wanna live in that feelin' forever with her. My heart fuckin’ hurts but she’s not goin’ too far. She's just goin' home and that's fuckin' normal. That's ok and it don't mean she's not still likin' me. And I don’t wanna let her go but I know if I do, it will be better for us in the long run. And that's all I want. To be with this girl and make a life with her. I know it sounds fuckin' ridiculous and I didn't know this girl a few months ago but so what. Who do I gotta explain it to? I ain't got nobody. But I got her now and she's all I ever wanted. I just didn't really know it until I saw her that night for the first time. I guess I always thought girls just wanted someone to love them and mean it and do anythin’ for ‘em. Buy ‘em shit, let ‘em drive my truck and take ‘em out. Ask ‘em to move in and all that. One thing I forgot in all that is that this girl ain’t like other girls. And that’s what I love most ‘bout her. So I need to chill the fuck out and let her come to me. Let her wanna do all them things with me when she’s ready. As long as she doesn’t leave me and stays honest with me, I still have a chance right? I mean... she's goin' home but she's not breakin' up with me. Right? Fuck. Goddammit. There I go makin' myself all paranoid again. Love fuckin' sucks.


	11. (In)visible Scars

“Everything I touch turns to a heaping pile of shit. And then I manage to set it on fire.” she’s lookin’ at me and shruggin’ them little shoulders, “So.. yeah..”

“That ain’t true.” I don’t believe what she’s sayin’ cause that girl been touchin’ me and nothin’ but good things came outta that. 

She’s got her head hangin’ a little just lookin’ up at me with them big brown eyes and I wish she didn’t feel that way but I understand. We’re in her room in her apartment, sittin’ on the bed just talkin’. Her roommate is home this time but got her boyfriend in the livin’ room watchin’ movies and shit and Chase ain’t feelin’ up to socializin’ none. Which is fine by me cause I just wanna hang out with my girlfriend.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you before about… all my bullshit.” she’s huggin’ them little arms ‘round herself, “I’m really the worst most confusing person...Ok let me shut up. I’m annoying myself with all this self pity shit I can only imagine how you feel..”

“You really ain’t seein’ yourself like I’m seein’ you.. That’s a shame. But I get it. I ain’t tryin’ to tell ya how to feel.” I’m playin’ with my hands kinda nervous cause I’m afraid if I say too much ‘bout how I'm feelin’ when it comes to her, she might freak out again, “And so what if you got some... imbalances.. it’s ok to break sometimes.. ain’t nobody fully together.. ain’t nobody perfect neither.”

“Explain how it is that you’re perfect then..” she’s lookin’ at me, pullin’ her knees up to her chest.

I start laughin’, “That’s fuckin’ funny.”

“I just confessed how seriously whacked I am and you’re not running for the hills?” she’s shakin’ her head, “You’re not of this Earth, Mr. Dixon.”

“Them things you gotta go through… ain’t who you are. And it ain’t your fault. If anythin’, I like you even more cause of it. You ain’t out here pretendin’ to be somebody you ain’t so people like you. You’re real and flawed….and so fuckin’ beautiful.”

She’s just listenin’ to me and I’m wantin’ to tell her how she’s all I think ‘bout. All the fuckin’ time. I’m wantin’ to just keep spillin’ it out to her but I can’t so I stop it there and we’re sittin’ in silence for a few minutes. 

“Daryl.. I been wanting to ask you something.. and if you tell me it’s none of my business.. I totally get it..” she pauses, thinkin’ ‘bout what she’s gonna say, “The scars on your back…”

I clear my throat and try not to act all uncomfortable and awkward, but I am and I’mma always be ‘bout that. If she was anybody else I’d tell her to go fuck herself. But she’s the only person in this world I wanna talk to.. ‘bout anythin’... I’m bitin’ on the inside of my bottom lip again cause I ain’t feelin’ too good in the pit of my stomach and I’m gettin’ kinda anxious and feelin’ nervous and so many other things. Too many of them other things.

“What happened to you?” she’s talkin’ real low and I can feel them eyes on me but I ain’t lookin’ at her cause I can’t. I know she saw my scars. She felt ‘em too. 

And I wanna tell her everythin’, I do, but I don’t really know what to say. Bringin’ up old memories and shit ain’t somethin’ I ever do cause there really ain’t no reason to do it. Ever. It’s over and it’s done. I can’t take it back, can’t undo it, can’t sit around and dwell on it wishin’ it never happened, cause it did. There ain’t nothin’ I can really do ‘bout it so I just keep it movin’. And I ain’t that kid no more. I ain’t that person. I ain't no goddamn victim.. It was never even me.. It was somebody else.. 

“I’m sorry..” she’s feelin’ bad.

“Don’t be.” I’m shruggin’ and my skin hurts. My back is feelin’ like it’s on fire and I’m tryin’ not to pay it no mind cause it ain’t real. It ain’t fuckin’ real and that scared little kid ain’t me no more, “We all got shit to deal with, Chase. None of us got it worse than the other.. just...different fuckin’ shit. Ya learn how to fight them demons off.. how to live with it, I guess.” I pause for a minute, “That piece of shit who fucked my mom and knocked her up did this to me. Fuckin’ sperm donor cause he wasn’t ever no father. I don’t remember it not happenin’. I didn’t understand.. I was just a little kid..” I pause, tryin’ not to dig myself in too deep, “and she ain’t never stopped him.. she just let it happen.. more worried ‘bout her booze and smokes. Merle got it too but not even close to how I got it. Over and over.. All the fuckin’ time.. maybe he blamed me for my mother’s death cause it got worse after that.. I remember him kickin’ me down the stairs and I broke my leg.. he wasn’t even gonna take me to the hospital.. Merle had to..”

I look up at her and she’s wipin’ tears from her eyes, “Jesus fucking Christ, Daryl..”

“Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t want none of that.” I shake my head, realizin’ maybe I said too much. More than I ever told anybody. But I ain’t cryin’ ‘bout it so neither should she, “So that’s that… and I don’t really wanna talk ‘bout it no more.”

“We never ever have to again.” she’s fannin’ her face with them little hands and I’m pullin’ myself out of the hole I ain’t never fallin’ into again. I’m good. 

I bring myself back to reality and even though we ain’t exactly talkin’ ‘bout the happiest things, I’m still enjoyin’ bein’ here with her. Her room smells like her shampoo and perfume and I gotta admit, it’s drivin’ me insane. 

“I like this.. Just talkin’..” I’m lookin’ at her and smilin’ a little, “learnin’ stuff ‘bout each other..”

“Daryl?”

“Mmhhmm”

“I want to fully open up to you… but I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want. I’m just… winging it.. I wish I could explain myself and my actions better. I never at all intend on getting into a relationship with anyone here let alone actually catching feelings. When I saw you I really just wanted to fuck you. That's it. And I knew I would. I just wanted to be fuck buddies…” she's shakin’ her head, “you mean more to me than that.. but I'm struggling with what that means.. and I really don’t want to mislead you or hurt you. But I can’t promise I won’t. I’m fucking selfish and want you all to myself but I’ll push you away every chance I get.. I will.. I don't know why I’m afraid of getting too close..And I’m not even sure if this is what I want. So fucking unfair to you, I know it is. It’s like: Hey, be my boyfriend so I can fuck with your feels until I ultimately ruin everything… ugh… I don’t plan on staying here. I don’t plan on staying anywhere. I’m supposed to be a traveling free spirit with no ties and no fucking cares or worries because I don’t care or worry. About fucking anyone.” she sighs, “and then there’s you… my Daryl Dixon... who has me second guessing every fucking thing I ever thought I actually knew about myself. About the way this all works. About everything I ever thought I wanted. I don’t even know how to function anymore, to be honest. I’m clearly having a quarter life crisis…. But maybe that’s why I never loved anyone.” she pauses, “because I never let myself. Because I just assume I’m incapable. Maybe because I don’t want to be. Whatever it is.. the minute I feel anything, I run away. I have to.”

“You gonna run away from me?” I’m askin’ but I ain’t too sure I wanna hear the answer. I'm glad she's talkin’ to me ‘bout what she’s feelin’ but at the same time my stomach is in knots. She ain’t even sure what's goin’ on with us? Damn. 

She’s takin’ a deep breath lookin’ at me, then lookin’ down, “I’m not a safe bet, Daryl Dixon.. don't say I didn't warn you.”

“Well.. I’m bettin’ on ya… so if I get my heart broken… then.. it’s on me.” I’m feelin’ like I got kicked in the gut just thinkin’ ‘bout it. Maybe in the nuts too.

“There’s so much I wanna say to you.. but.. I just can’t.” she’s lookin’ like she’s gonna cry again, shakin’ her head and buryin’ her pretty face in her hands, “I just...can’t.”

“Whenever you’re ready.. I’mma be here.” clearly with my balls in a vice with her initials scratched right into ‘em. I’m such a fuckin’ fool for this girl. But at least I ain’t blind to it. 

“I want to tell you that I love you.. But I don’t know if I do..” she’s tellin’ me this and I’m not too sure how to feel ‘bout it. “I don’t know.. and I want to be sure.. There’s no going back.. I just need to be sure.. but I might not ever be.. I… I just… I don’t know..”

“Ok..” That's all I got to say cause I’m prepared to wait forever for this girl and I don’t think it’s nothin’ I got control of, even if I tried. I just wish everythin’ out her mouth wasn't a fuckin’ contradiction. I’m confused as it is with my own fuckin' bullshit.. now I gotta be all confused with hers too? Damn.

“Would you leave with me? I mean..” she’s pausin’, “If I had to go?”

“I’m not sure I get what you tryin’ to ask me.”

“I don’t know… I mean.. If I just couldn’t stay here anymore… if I woke up tomorrow and decided to hop a plane... could you just pick up and leave with me… fucking anywhere?” she’s serious and them big beautiful eyes are wide and glassy just piercin’ right through me. And I ain’t gotta think twice..

“Yeah.”

“Just like that? Yeah?” she’s shruggin’ again, raisin’ that eyebrow.

“Yeah.”

She’s takin’ a deep breath and exhalin’. Sittin’ there holdin’ onto herself like if she didn’t she would just float away. Them beautiful eyes still as beautiful as ever, but I can see she ain’t happy. Or at least, she ain’t too sure if she is. She’s been cryin’ on and off and even though she ain’t wantin’ me to see her like that, she’s lettin’ me. She’s lettin’ me see her at her worst and it’s provin’ to me what I already knew. I’m in love with this girl.

She said she gets depressed sometimes and she don't know why. And she’s been on meds and shit since she’s a kid. I’m a little concerned ‘bout all that cause I care ‘bout her, not cause I’m judgin’, and I ‘specially ain’t gonna think of her different cause of it. Like I said, ain’t nobody fully together. And I’m just as damaged as she is. I just ain’t wearin’ it on my sleeve. 

She’s snifflin’ and wipin’ her face. She ain’t wearin’ all that makeup she's usually wearin' and she’s way prettier without all that mess. She’s beautiful when she cries too. Not that I’m likin’ her cryin’ but she’s fuckin’ damn near perfect in my eyes. Flaws and all. 

“I never let anyone see me like this.” She’s rollin’ her eyes like she’s gettin’ mad at herself, “I usually just disappear and come back when I can function again.. None of this has to do with you.. You’re doing nothing wrong.. It’s just… it’s all me.. ok? always know that. No matter what happens.”

“I’ll do whatever you need me to do.. I wanna help. You ain’t alone.”

“Awww.. I know....you’re too good to me Daryl Dixon.” she’s touchin’ my face with them soft hands and I’m feelin’ tingles all over my body. Rushin’ between my legs and I ain’t tryin’ to catch wood right now cause I don’t want her to think I’m tryin’ to fuck her while she ain’t feelin’ too good.

But then there she goes readin’ my thoughts again cause she’s movin’ closer to me, kissin’ me and we’re makin’ out like crazy. All I’m tryin’ to do is feel her body against mine and it’s like I don’t just want it, I fuckin’ need it. I’m pullin’ her shirt off and she ain’t wearin’ a bra. So fuckin’ beautiful. And she’s doin’ the same to me. I can’t help but kiss on her neck and chest.. them sexy little inked up shoulders and arms.. I’m gettin’ high off the way she’s smellin’ and tastin’. She’s grabbin’ on my face and bringin’ my lips to hers again and we’re fallin’ back on the bed kissin’ real deep. I wanna go real slow with her. I wanna be inside her but I just wanna hold it there so I can really feel her. And I’m thinkin’ she’s wantin’ all that too.

I’m on top of her and she’s unbuttonin’ my pants, just lookin’ in my eyes. Usually, I ain’t into that but with her it’s all I want. I just want her to see me and feel them things I’m feelin’ so she can understand that she means everythin’ to me. And whatever the fuck is goin’ on with us, we can figure it all out together. Maybe it really is happenin’ way too fast and all at once, but why does that gotta be a bad thing? 

I’m touchin’ her and kissin’ her, slippin’ my hand under the elastic band of her shorts and she ain’t wearin’ any underwear neither. Fuck.. I feel like my heart is beatin’ faster sendin’ all that blood it’s pumpin’ straight to my cock and I’m wantin’ her more than I remember ever wantin’ anythin’. She’s breathin’ heavy against my lips, pullin’ them little shorts down and I stop to help her, tossin’ ‘em on the floor. She’s lookin’ up at me and I’m lookin’ at her, them big brown eyes and pouty lips. Gazin’ in my eyes like she’s tryin’ to tell me them things she ain’t able to really say. She bites her bottom lip, sittin’ up and grabbin’ my hands. We start kissin’ again and she’s pullin’ me back on top of her, coverin’ us up under the bedsheets. Hidin’ us from the world cause the only thing matterin’ is me and her. She’s wrappin’ them little legs ‘round me, pullin’ me closer and I’m afraid I’m gonna crush her but she ain’t tryin’ to let go. She’s kissin’ on my neck and her warm breath on my skin got me goin’ crazy. Our bodies are grindin’ into each other and I can’t even think straight no more. We’re lookin’ at each other again and she’s got her hand around my shaft, lickin’ her lips while she’s strokin’ me. I’m so fuckin’ hard I’m gonna burst and she’s guidin’ the thick head of my cock to the sanctuary between them thighs. I’m watchin’ her face as I’m slidin’ inside, fillin’ her, and it’s takin’ everythin’ I got not to cum. She’s lettin’ out a breathy moan, lookin’ up at me with a furrowed brow and that pretty little mouth hung open. Tightenin’ the grip she got ‘round me, pullin’ me in as deep as I could go. We’re breathin’ heavy and tryin’ not to moan too loud, holdin’ myself in her. Holdin’ us together.She’s so damn tight, swallowin’ me whole and wrappin’ them arms ‘round me like she’s never gonna let go. I’m slowly startin’ to move in and out of her, keepin’ a steady pace, grindin’ my hips to rub against her clit as best I can. I want to make her feel like she ain’t never felt before. My mission is to be the fuckin’ best she ever had. At everythin’. In every way. She’s pushin’ herself up into me in perfect rhythm and it feels so fuckin’ outta this world, I ain’t prepared to describe it. This girl’s gonna be the fuckin’ death of me and I’m goin’ willingly. I’m thrustin’ a bit harder now and she’s takin’ short yelpin’ breaths, pushin’ my hair from my face with them little painted fingers. I’m feelin’ like we’re really connectin’, holdin’ eye contact and seein’ each other so vulnerable like this. But really seein’ each other. And to me it’s more than sex and I’m hopin’ she can feel it too. Maybe she won’t be so scared to feel them things for me. Maybe she won’t wanna run away no more.

Sex is usually just ‘bout gettin’ in and gettin’ off. And it ain’t never tied up to no emotions and shit. But with this girl, it’s so much more. So fuckin’ much more. She’s pantin’ and we’re sweatin’ under the sheets movin’ and writhin’ against each other. She’s really tryin’ to keep quiet so her roommate don’t hear us and it’s turnin’ me on even more. 

“Fuucckk… Dixon…” she’s breathin’ in my ear as she’s startin’ to cum, squeezin’ on my ass and pullin’ me inside her even deeper.

I lose myself completely, cummin’ at the same time and I can’t tell where she ends and I begin no more cause to me, we’re the same fuckin’ person. And I ain’t never had sex like that before. Not even with her. And I ain’t sure we were in the bed doin’ all that.. It felt like we were somewhere else.. I dunno where… just… somewhere else… and I already wanna go back. 

The sounds from the TV in the other room get all loud and crazy and me and her start laughin’ some, all tangled up in each other under the sheets. She’s kissin’ my chest and cuddlin’ up on me and it feels real nice. I’m runnin’ my fingers through her hair feelin’ calm and relaxed.

“Stay over..” she’s speakin’ real low and sleepy.

“Alright.” 

She lets out a long sigh, smilin’, “I think I feel the warm sun breaking through that dark cloud above my head… and it’s all your fault.”

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“I dunno..” I got the phone up to my ear listenin’ to what he’s tryin’ to say but I’m already thinkin’ ahead and it ain’t good. It can’t end well. I ain’t too sure I’m ready for all that yet. 

“You ashamed of me, ain’tcha? Yeeaapp, my little brother ain’t even tryin’ to ever introduce me to his old lady.” he’s gruntin’, “or you ‘fraid I’mma take her from ya… yeah… that’s it, ain’t it?”

“See all that? Prime example..” I’m reachin’ under the hood of a 2006 Honda Accord, doin’ my best to keep this phone tucked between my ear and my shoulder. 

“Nah.. I’m sure that girl of yours can take a good ‘ol joke.. She ain’t got them little panties in a twist sucked up her ass.”

“You joke too much, Merle. Ain’t nothin’ ever serious with you… and I really like this girl.. I don’t need you messin’ this up for me.” I wipe my brow with my forearm, “Ruinin’ my life is a fuckin’ sport to you.”

“Damn.. that’s how you been feelin’, huh? Well…. Shit…” He’s actin’ all puzzled and shocked and shit like I’m tellin’ him somethin’ he ain’t already know. See, this is the fuckin’ shit I’m talkin’ ‘bout with him..

“You clean?” I’mma ask again. I’mma keep askin’ his ass until there ain’t no doubt ‘bout it. I’mma be askin’ him on my death bed if he don’t kick the bucket first.

“Of course... I’m cleanin’ up..” he’s laughin’ ‘bout it but it ain’t fuckin’ funny and he’s full a shit.

“Nah.. you ain’t.” I’m wipin’ the grease off my hands with a shop towel, lookin’ over at Mike shakin’ my head. 

“I’m tryin’, Daryl.. I’m fuckin' tryin’..” he get’s all serious on me, “I’m missin’ ya.. Yer all I got in this piece a shit life.. I ain’t exactly been the worlds greatest big brother… with all that bullshit was happenin’ to ya back home - “

“Stop.” I ain’t fuckin’ doin’ this right now.

“All I’m sayin’... just let me make it up to ya…” he’s damn near mopin’ ‘round on the other end, turnin’ them different personalities on and off like a damn light switch.

“You can’t never make it up to me, Merle.. so stop right the fuck there..” I’m tryin’ not to raise my voice, “But you… you could fuckin’ get yourself clean and functionin’ like a real fuckin’ person. I did it. You could do it too. This shit’s gettin’ old and tired.”

“You always been that one good egg in a spoiled dozen, little Dixon. I tell ya, boy…”

“I don’t even know why I’m puttin’ my trust in you… again… but…” I sigh, already regrettin’ what I ain’t even said yet, but he’s my brother.. and... , “If you promise me you ain’t gonna drink, smoke, shoot, snort, whatever the fuck else you be doin’... promise me you gonna be 100 fuckin’ percent clean and sober… and I’ll have you and Chase over for dinner tomorrow night..”

“Hhhmmm… you gon’ be cookin’?” he starts with the laughin’ again.

“Did you hear what the fuck I just said?” 

“Damn.. alright… I heard ya, loud and clear… yessir.. dinner at your place.. I’mma be there with bells on..”

“You got over 24 hours to get right.. I swear, I ain’t playin’.. Talkin’ all this shit ‘bout you wantin’ to make it up to me? well.. If you can’t do this for me, then you can’t do shit for me. No fuckin’ more. I mean it. Don’t embarrass me in front of the one good thing in my life. Don’t.”

“I promise ya..”

“8 o’clock. I gotta go.” cause I wanna rip your throat out and pull it through the damn phone.

“I’m already there waitin’ on ya..” 

“Bye.”

Click.

I’m feelin’ all kindsa things. I wanna be excited to introduce my girlfriend to my brother and vice versa but I can’t let myself. Cause Merle never gave me a reason to think he ain’t gonna try to fuck with me. But I guess I gotta have ‘em meet eventually, right? Plus.. this is it.. He fucks me over this time, I’m fuckin’ done with his ass. Done. I guess now I got 24 hours to prepare myself to not fuckin’ kill him. Here goes nothin'..


	12. Where The Sun Don't Shine

“C’mere..” I’m dippin’ a spoon in this sauce I’m makin’, blowin’ on it to cool it off, “taste this.”

She hops up off the couch gettin’ excited and runnin’ over to me. Openin’ that pretty little mouth so I can feed her some of my shitty cookin’ and it ain’t even like I’m really doin’ anythin’ special. A fuckin’ brainless monkey could open up a few cans of tomato sauce, toss some meat in it and throw it on some pasta. Who the fuck am I kiddin’ with this shit?

Them beautiful eyes get real wide, “Mmmmmm! Que rico!”

“That a good thing.. Or..”

“So good!”

“Don’t lie.”

“You know damn well I would tell you if it was garbage. The only thing I will say.. is maybe a pinch more salt.” she’s wrappin’ thin little arms ‘round my waist, “And I’m sure it’s just my ridiculous latin tastebuds because my mother poured Adobo on every fucking thing.” she’s layin’ her head against my chest and squeezin’.

“I shoulda just ordered pizza or somethin’. Fuck.”

“Yeah… she’d put Adobo on what ya’ll down here call ‘pizza’ too…” she’s throwin’ up air quotes, gigglin’.

“Dobo? The fuck is that?” 

She’s just laughin’, slidin’ her soft little hand under my shirt. “Daryl…” she’s lookin’ up at me, “It’s really good. I mean it. I’m honored to eat your fantastic, amazing meal tonight.. and I know your brother will be too.”

“Nah.. you don’t know Merle..” I’m shakin’ my head puttin’ the top back on the pot and turnin’ the burner off. I’m feelin’ anxious ‘bout the whole thing. Merle comin’ over. Meetin’ Chase. I know I told Merle he better be sober, but I’m wantin’ to shoot some whiskey to take the edge off. 

“Baby.. what’s the worst that could happen? I know your brother’s a dickhole and all.. but it sounds like he’s been actually trying. Maybe he’s realizing what a fucktard he’s been.. ”

Poor naive little thing. She just ain’t gettin’ it.. The fuck is a fucktard? 

The doorbell rings and I get real quiet, closin’ my eyes for a second, thinkin’ ‘bout pretendin’ I ain’t home. Fuck it, I changed my mind. Somethin’ came up at the last minute. He’s ringin’ the bell again. And now his simple ass is knockin’ like I ain’t heard him the first 2 times.

“Fuck.” I’m starin’ the door down like it’s gonna open itself. Why the fuck am I actin’ like such a pussy? Actin’ like I’m scared of ‘em or somethin’? Get your shit together, Daryl.. Merle ain’t shit.. you got this.

I go to open the door but she’s grabbin’ my arm, “Wait!” she’s seemin’ all nervous now, “Do I look ok? Is this outfit ok?”

I can’t help myself from sighin’ and smilin’ a little when I look at her cause she’s so ridiculously gorgeous, it hurts. 

“You look incredible.” I’m forgettin’ where I am and what’s goin’ on, gettin’ lost in them beautiful brown eyes again.

She’s bitin’ her bottom lip gazin’ up at me and I think she’s gettin’ lost just the same. Merle’s ringin’ the bell and knockin’, smackin’ us back to reality. And I definitely did this. I went and invited him. Yup. This is all on me.. 

“Get the door!” she’s whisperin’ and shooin’ me.

I do what the lady says and open the door and he’s standin’ there grinnin’ ear to ear and I’m just starin’ him down for a second before lettin’ him in. I can tell in a few glances if he’s under any kinda influence. And he actually fuckin’ listened to me, for once.

“Damn! Was thinkin’ I mighta had the wrong place.” Merle’s cacklin’, grabbin’ me up and puttin’ his arm ‘round me as he’s walkin’ in. And that shit ain’t like him to do and I ain’t too sure how to feel ‘bout it. 

I’m lookin’ over at Chase with probably the most awkward, uncomfortable face on. She’s walkin’ up to us, smilin’ real bright holdin’ her hand out to Merle and I’m escapin’ from his grip while he’s shakin’ her hand. Fixin’ my hair and my shirt, still tryin’ to figure out what the fuck just happened. I go to close the door and he’s got her hand in his and that damn handshake is a little too long and fuckin’ creepy, if ya ask me.

“Well, well, well.. I’ll be damned.. so yer the little mamacita got my brother all doe eyed and bushy tailed..” he’s actin’ like a fuckin’ old perv, lookin’ her up and down with that stupid grin on his face and he’s already startin’ to piss me off, but I gotta just chill. Cause that’s Merle for ya.

“I’m Chase, it’s so nice to finally meet you!” she’s lit up like the brightest star in the sky, wearin’ a nice red top and black pants. Her long dark hair is done real pretty in some loose sexy waves like a way hotter Victoria’s Secret model and she’s got her signature black eyeliner on. She’s fuckin’ amazin’ and I’m feelin’ real good that he’s seein’ how beautiful she is and knowin’ she’s mine.

He’s bringin’ the back of her hand to his lips and she’s glancin’ at me, “Heard nothin’ but good things ‘bout ya.. and you are definitely somethin’ to look at.. holy hot damn..”

“Ok. That’s enough.” I’m shakin’ my head, breakin’ that shit up real quick, grabbin’ her hand away from him cause shits gettin’ fuckin’ weird and I don’t wanna have to break his face so early in the evenin’.

She awkwardly clears her throat, pushin’ her hair away from her face and holdin’ my hand, “Daryl made the most awesome Italian inspired cuisine.. We should eat while it’s still warm.” 

I’m grillin’ the fuck outta him silently warnin’ him to be easy. And he’s starin’ right back at me with that fuckin’ smirk, winkin’ cause he knows he’s gettin’ under my skin. And I’m askin’ myself again, why the fuck I invited him to come in the first place. I guess deep down inside I really did want this. Cause I’m in love with that girl and I kinda really wish I had my brother in my life too. Minus all them fuckin’ drugs and that macho bullshit persona. It’d be real nice, ya know?

Chase runs over to the kitchen, grabbin’ the plates and forks and starts servin’ us. Since I ain’t got no table to eat at, we sit in the livin’ room ‘round my shitty coffee table. She’s sittin’ real close to me and Merle’s takin’ a seat on my chair, facin’ us. It’s kinda quiet for a minute and I’m not even feelin’ hungry no more cause I got knots all in my gut.

“So, Merle..” Chase is tryin’, “you’re the oldest huh?”

“Sure am, Darlin’.. got 7 years on this fucker..” he’s lookin’ at me, slurpin’ up that pasta like he ain’t got no home trainin’. But I guess if you really think ‘bout it, he don’t... “My little baby brother. Gonna be the big 4 0 this month.. I bet ya thought I forgot yer birthday again this year..” he’s lookin’ at me.

I’m shruggin’, “I don’t really care.”

“Cause you old as dirt now.. Just like me..” he’s laughin’, lookin’ at Chase, “you be likin’ that, huh? Old dirty country fucks?”

“Cut it out.” I’m clenchin’ my teeth.

She’s shakin’ her head, “Well...I’m liking your brother. A lot.” she’s glancin’ at me, blushin’ a little before eatin’ some of her pasta.

“Mmmhhmmm.. I bet ya do.. ladies can’t resist that ol’ Dixon charm..” he’s bringin’ the fork to his mouth, makin’ loud slurpin’ noises, suckin’ up more pasta.

“Why you gotta eat like that?” I grunt.

“Be easy, baby boy.. how else you expectin’ I eat this plate a worms ya servin’ me, eh?” he’s starin’ at me.

“Nevermind.” I’m realizin’ all I’m doin’ is just stickin’ the fork in my plate and playin’ with my food at this point. And I ain’t gonna eat none cause I’m not feelin’ too good in my stomach.

“It’s fucking delicious, isn’t it?” Chase is smilin’ and I can tell she’s just tryin’ to keep the conversation goin’ in a positive direction.

“Eh..I had better.” Merle’s suckin’ his teeth, “Daryl know’s he can’t cook fer shit.. and ain’t much cookin’ in boilin’ some damn spaghetti.”

I scoff, shakin’ my head. I could tell him to go fuck himself. I could yell at him, like usual, but it ain’t gonna make no difference. Ain’t gonna change nothin’. I’m lookin’ at Chase and her little nostrils are flarin’ and she’s turnin’ kinda red. Seemin’ like she’s holdin’ that tongue of hers same as me. But so what if Merle ain’t likin’ my cookin’. The fuck do I care? He ain’t gotta be eatin’ it then.

“Well, I can’t cook..” she’s laughin’, “Let me rephrase that, I can only cook 2 things. Rice, beans and pernil.. which is a pork shoulder.. aaannnnddd.. Oh! chicken parmesan!”

“Mmmm I want me some a that!” Merle’s got a big grin on, “lemme ask ya… how the hell did somethin’ pretty as you, end up with this guy?”

“I ain’t got a clue why you talkin’ cause you look worse off than I ever did!” I snap, but I ain’t even mad ‘bout what he’s sayin’ cause it’s obvious who’s better lookin’.

“Man, you always lookin’ like you got knocked in the face a few times and ya need a goddamn haircut” Merle’s laughin’, “you agin’ like shit!”

“You must not be lookin’ in the mirror..”

“You’re both very handsome, ok?” Chase is shakin’ her head laughin’ a little.

“Uh oh.. yer lady’s hittin’ on me! Ya better watch her!” Merle’s jokin’. 

“Ohhh.. but don’t you wish..” she’s gigglin’.

“Never had me a Spanish girl.. I’m hearin’ it’s where I oughta be dippin’..” he ain’t got no shame, “when ya go back to New York, bring some of them sexy friends down with ya!”

“Nah, don’t do that to them girls..” 

“See what he thinks a me? That’s some fucked up shit, I tell ya..” Merle’s laughin’.

“I’ll see what I can do, Merle.” she’s smilin’, holdin’ back from laughin’.

I’m thinkin’ at this point, it might not be a bad thing to have a few cold ones. Merle listened to me and showed up sober. Mostly, for me, that’s meanin’ no hard drugs. I’ll give him that. I get up and start grabbin’ the plates, “I’m gonna get a beer, you want?”

“That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! There’s that southern hospitality!” Merle’s gettin’ all excited and I’m gettin’ us a couple beers out the fridge, poppin’ them caps off and bringin’ ‘em over.

“Thank’s..” she’s touchin’ on my hand, smilin’ as I’m sittin’ next to her, handin’ her a cold bottle of Heineken.

“You from New York City… Mmm Mmm Mmm… the big apple.. all them flashin’ lights..” he’s bringin’ the beer to his lips, chuggin’, “with all due respect, the hell you doin’ down here?”

“I’m a country girl at heart.” she’s gigglin’, drinkin’ up.

“You plannin’ on goin’ back anytime soon?” he’s raisin’ an eyebrow, “ain’t nothin’ goin’ on down here, girl.. ”

She’s shruggin’ and lookin’ at me, “Maybe.. well, yeah.” she takes another sip of her beer, “Actually.. ummm..I was hoping.. well.. More like plotting..to take Daryl on a trip for his birthday.”

My eyes get all wide and I’m tryin’ to process what she’s sayin’, almost chokin’ on my beer, “What?”

“Well, I was gonna talk to you about it tonight.. but since the topic came up.. Surprise?” she’s lookin’ at me like she’s waitin’ on me to get mad or somethin’ but really hopin’ I ain’t gonna.

“You mean to New York? Like.. go there? You and me?” I feel my face get hot and I ain’t too sure it’s cause I’m excited or nervous or a mix of both. I ain’t never been to New York. I ain’t never been nowhere. ‘Cept Tennessee.. and takin’ a real planned out trip with her is makin’ me feel like we’re really makin’ this relationship official. I mean.. first real trip together, together.. So yeah.. I’m feelin’ pretty great ‘bout it.

“I want to take you to New York.” she’s lookin’ at me, “I want to show you where I’m from.. I want you to bite into your first slice of real fucking pizza! We’ll go to a cheap rock show in Brooklyn. Have a big city adventure. We can even observe other Puerto Ricans in their natural habitat!” she’s laughin,’ “We can talk details later… but what do you say? It’s your birthday! It’s a big one and we should do it up!” 

I’m smilin’ and feelin’ real happy that she would want to bring me with her back home. And that she even cares this much ‘bout me havin’ a birthday. It’s just a birthday and it ain’t like nobody ever got me a cake or a gift or anythin’ like that. The way them normal folk celebrate and make big deals out of that shit, us poor redneck types don’t really do too much. And when your last name is Dixon livin’ in North Georgia all your life, a birthday is just another fuckin’ day. Maybe even a worse off day cause you reminded that you ain’t gettin’ no younger and your life is still just as fucked up as last year. And your balls just sag a little lower. That’s all havin’ a birthday means.

“Fuck yeah, let’s do it..” I’m tryin’ not to get too excited but it ain’t workin’ out too good cause I really am. It’s real nice to have somethin’ to look forward to. It’s nice to have somebody give a shit enough to wanna take me to them places and show me things I never seen before.

“Ahhh!!! I’m so excited!!” she’s reachin’ out to hug me, and I’m huggin’ her back. Wishin’ we could just leave right now, forgettin’ my brother was in the room.

“Aww ain’t that sweet..” Merle’s chuggin’ the rest of his beer, “But you ain’t cut out for New York, little brother, remember that. Don’t get too giddy ‘bout it cause you ain’t gonna fit in not one bit.”

“Man, you don’t know that..” I’m suckin’ my teeth, wavin’ my hand at him, “What you even know ‘bout New York?”

“I know big city life ain’t for no small town cow tippin’ folk like you and me.”

“Alright. Keep tellin’ yourself that..” I’m grabbin’ my pack of cigs and my lighter.

“I’ll come with you.” she’s real quick to get up.

“Nah, I’mma just smoke it here..” I light up and grab the ashtray from the table, holdin’ out the pack, offerin’ ‘em up. Merle reaches out for one and I toss him my lighter.

“What about you, Merle?” She’s sittin’ back down, “Got a special lady in your life?” Chase is sparkin’ up that conversation again while I'm takin’ a pull.

“I got me a few.” he’s raisin’ them eyebrows up and down real fast like some old fuckin’ creeper, blowin’ smoke.

“Is that so?” Chase is shakin’ her head, crossin’ them little arms. She’s got that beer bottle between her thighs and it’s givin’ me all kindsa ideas..

“Mmmmhhhmmm.. I got them oozin’ dick warts to prove it..” He’s cacklin’.

“Uuuhhhh…” she’s got a look of complete horror on.

“What the fuck, Merle..” I’m rollin’ my eyes, shakin’ my head.

“It’s a goddamn joke! Pull them thong’s out yer asses!”

“You sure ‘bout that?” I’m raisin’ an eyebrow at him kinda jokin’ but kinda not. Merle ain’t exactly a stranger to nasty ass STD’s. 

“What you tryin’a say boy?” Merle’s squintin’ at me.

“I ain’t tryin’ to say nothin’..” I’m shruggin’, “It’s nothin’.”

“Mmmhhmm.. nothin’, huh?” he’s grinnin’, noddin’ his head, “I know you fucked that blonde bitch, Jess.. what? Like 2 or 3 weeks ago? Ya might wanna get checked out.. she been ‘round the block and back again, if ya know what I mean.” he’s lookin’ at Chase, laughin’.

Her face drops and I’m really fuckin’ confused and mad he would even bring that shit up right now. He really knows how to take it from 0 to ‘I’m gonna slit your throat’ real fuckin’ fast and I knew it was only a matter of time before he started some shit tryin’ to fuck everythin’ up. I’m so fuckin’ stupid sometimes thinkin’ we could have a nice night..

“What the fuck is he talking about?” Chase’s neck almost snaps, she turns to look at me quick as hell.

“It was bullshit… and it was before I met you.” I’m lookin’ right at her, tellin’ her the God’s honest truth. 

“I mean..” she’s swallowin’ and playin’ with her hair. The look on her face is seemin’ like she got questions she’s wantin’ to ask me but ain’t nothin’ really comin’ out.

“Heard ya had some trouble fuckin’ her!” he’s laughin’ his head off and just like that, I ain’t havin’ such a good time no more.

“This is why I hate this fuckin’ piece a shit town! Can’t do nothin’ without every fuckin’ asshole breathin’ findin’ out ‘bout it!” I’m puttin’ my cigarette out and shakin’ my head tryin’ not to get mad but I can’t help it.

“Yeah, well… stop stickin’ yer dick in every bitch in town then!”

“Ok, we really don’t need to talk about this anymore!” Chase puts her beer on the table and stands up, “I gotta pee.” she’s shakin’ her head, lookin’ upset, walkin’ toward the bathroom and slammin’ the door.

“See what the fuck you did?” I’m standin’ up, pacin’ some, tryin’ to walk out all this anger cause I wanna fuck him up.

“What? Everybody so fuckin’ sensitive..”

“What the fuck goes on in that brain a yours got you thinkin’ it’s ok to tell my girlfriend ‘bout some chick I brought home?! I fuckin’ can’t even understand why the hell you would do that!”

“What... she thinkin’ you ain’t been fuckin’ before her little ass came ‘round? Gimme a fuckin’ break..”

“That’s not the fuckin’ point, Merle!” I’m gettin’ frustrated, tryin’ not to get too loud but it ain’t workin’, “Can’t even bring you ‘round nobody cause you always gotta say some shit ain’t needin’ to be said!”

“I’m gonna need ya to bring that tone down, boy..”

“Yeah? Well I’mma need ya to grow the fuck up and act like my older brother for once in your fuckin’ life! Act like you give a shit ‘bout me maybe finally bein’ happy!”

“You playin’ yerself, and I already told ya but you ain’t trynna listen! You think that girl ain’t gonna leave you high and dry when she realizes you ain’t never gonna be able to take care a her? Huh? You think you actually got a chance gettin’ yerself a real job? Gettin’ yerself outta this piece a shit hole you livin’ in? You ain’t never gonna be more than what ya are, baby brother... a goddamn piece a shit, Dixon boy ain’t never gettin’ outta good ol’ Georgia.. Ain’t never gonna have himself a pot to piss in cause you ain’t no member a society.. Who ya kiddin’, Daryl? Everybody always gonna be lookin’ at ya like ya ain’t nothin’ but a dumb fuckin’ redneck! And they’d be fuckin’ right.. Cause you ain’t shit.. a big ol’ pile a nothin’.. Ya stupid fuck! you just a little punchin’ bag.. Born to get his fuckin’ ass whooped..”

He’s lookin’ at me with a serious face on and I’m just starin’ him down cause he ain’t breakin’ me. Not this fuckin’ time. Not ever again. He ain’t pullin’ me down with him and I ain’t gonna be no goddamn statistic. I ain’t no victim of my childhood and I sure as hell ain’t no victim of my surroundings. 

“Get the fuck out.” I ain’t even raisin’ my voice no more. He ain’t worth it. What he said ain’t true. It just ain’t. I don’t want it to be..

He’s startin’ to cackle again and I ain’t fuckin’ laughin’, “You kickin’ me out? Little brother ain’t man enough to handle the truth? Well.. I ain’t at all fuckin’ shocked..”

“Just.. go..” I’m tryin’ to hold it together.

“Ain’t that ‘bout a bitch..” he’s standin’ up, standin’ right in front of me starin’ me down, “Kickin’ his only brother out.. Choosin’ a Mexican pussy over his own family.. she ain’t gonna love ya, Daryl.. ain’t nobody ever gonna love ya.. Remember that..”

I’m clenchin’ my fists and my blood is boilin’. I’m turnin’ red, I can feel it. My skin is burnin’ up and I’m fightin’ my instincts to punch him and not stop until he ain’t breathin’. But that’s what the fuck he wants. And I ain’t givin’ it to ‘em cause I ain’t lettin’ him win this time. I’m sick of lettin’ him win. So it takes everythin’ I got and then some to turn and walk away. And I ain’t even feelin’ like I’m in my own body as I’m openin’ the front door, “Leave.”

He’s suckin’ his teeth, slowly makin’ his way toward me, “Fuck you..” he’s growlin’, gettin’ all in my face, “fuckin’ pussy ass little bitch.”

I’m noddin’ and just takin’ it cause I’m so tired of fightin’. I’m so tired of lettin’ him see me upset. Lettin’ him make me feel that way. And I’m thinkin’ ‘bout that girl in the bathroom cause she’s the only thing I care ‘bout and she shouldn’t have extra drama to deal with cause of me. I’m supposed to be the one makin’ her happy not addin’ more bullshit to her life. And she ain’t needin’ to be in the middle of this shit no more. Finally, he shakes his head, laughin’ and walks out and I’m slammin’ the door behind him. 

I don’t know what comes over me but I can’t hold it in no more and I’m punchin’ the wall cause I’m so fuckin’ angry I could kill someone and I ain’t really knowin’ how else to get it out. My knuckles are bleedin’, gettin’ blood on the wall but I ain’t feelin’ no pain. Just anger. Just a whole lot of.. hurt. I make a dent in the wall with my bloody fist and I’m havin’ a hard time breathin’ and I can’t really stop myself from gettin’ all upset. But I wanna stop.. I don’t wanna be upset. 

Chase comes out of the bathroom and I know she heard everythin’... She’s runnin’ over to me as I’m sinkin’ to the floor. I hate this so fuckin’ much and I ain’t wantin’ her to see me like this. I’m tryin’ to just suck it up. Stand up, suck it the fuck back inside and be a fuckin’ man. That girl, she’s gettin’ on the floor with me, huggin’ them little arms ‘round me tight and tellin’ me it’s ok. She’s kissin’ my head and pushin’ my hair away from my face but I don’t want her to look at me. And she keeps sayin’ it’s ok over and over, but I don’t know if it is cause I’m feelin’ like my chest is breakin’ apart. And she shouldn’t be seein’ me like this.

“Oh, Daryl..” she’s carefully holdin’ my bloody hand in hers, “Jesus.. are you ok? Can you move it, baby?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” I’m shakin’ my head, actin’ like it’s nothin’. Cause I always gotta be good. I just always gotta be good no matter what. And I’m so worked up, I can’t feel anythin’ anyway.

“You don’t have to be..” She’s runnin’ little painted fingers through my hair just lookin’ at me and I ain’t never seen that look on her face before. But I ain’t holdin’ eye contact. I can’t. I’m ashamed and I hate the way I feel. I hate myself. I hate who I am and who I was. I hate everythin’ and every fuckin’ body in my life except her and it fuckin’ scares the shit outta me cause I ain’t wantin’ Merle to be right, but what if he is? What if I’m fightin’ a losin’ battle? I been so strong all this time just… fightin’.. but I keep fuckin’ losin’. I'm always fuckin’ losin’ and tryin’ to pick up the pieces and then when I finally see light at the end of the tunnel, shit falls apart again. And again and again. And then fuckin’ again. And it’s to the point that losin’ her is inevitable. Losin’ the only thing I've ever felt anythin’ for in this whole fuckin’ miserable existence would just make the most sense for someone like me. But I ain't givin’ up. I can’t bring myself to. Not on this girl. Not even if it takes all the fight left in me. Even if I’m gonna lose in the end anyway. Even if it kills me.

She’s huggin’ me and runnin’ her hands up and down my back and it’s makin’ me feel all kindsa things. Kinda better, Kinda not.. I don’t fuckin’ know what’s wrong with me and I’m feelin’ way too much all at once.. between Merle, her and everythin’ else I don’t know what to do. I’m kinda embarrassed cause I’m realizin’ what just happened and I know it’s all my fault for even havin’ him over in the first place. All my fault for fuckin’ tryin’ to have somethin’ I ain’t never had. A brother. A girlfriend. A fuckin’ family. I don’t fuckin’ know.. Beatin’ a dead horse. Them things he said.. as tough as I try to be.. they really cut deep. Really fuckin’ hurts. And I’m tryin’ to hold it together but I don’t know if I can. and I don’t wanna cry.. and ‘specially not in front of her.. I feel so fuckin’ stupid.. so goddamn fuckin’ stupid..

“It’s ok to break sometimes..” she’s speakin’ real soft, touchin’ my hair. Tellin’ me what I told her when we were talkin’ on her bed.. “It’s ok to let it out.. don’t hold it in, Daryl.. Let it out so you can leave it here, kick it away.. and move on..” she’s kissin’ my head, “Your brother can go to fucking hell.”

I feel like a scared little boy again just cryin’.. and bleedin’.. only this time I ain’t alone. This time I ain’t wishin’ I had a friend. Little arms wrap ‘round me real tight and she ain’t gotta say nothin’ else for me to know she gives a shit ‘bout me. I’m feelin’ ashamed.. like I’m 2 feet tall. Fuckin’ small and helpless and I never wanna feel this way again. So I swear to fuckin’ God, I ain’t gonna. Never again. I grab onto her huggin’ her real tight and she’s snifflin’ a little, tremblin’ in my arms and we’re both lettin’ go. Years of shovin’ it alI down inside.. Just comin’ out. And I don’t want her to cry but maybe she still needs to let some out too. We all got bullshit to deal with. We ain’t all together. And it don’t make us weak… cause we’re fighters. And fighters keep fuckin’ fightin’.


	13. How Does That Make You Feel?

“We should go get you checked out..” she’s cleanin’ my hand, wincin’ like she’s the one feelin’ it.

“Nah.. I’m good. I could move it.” I demonstrate by wigglin’ my fingers a bit. It hurts, but ain’t nothin’ broken.

She’s lookin’ at me like she’s wantin’ to say somethin’ but she don’t. She sighs, lookin’ back down as she’s carefully cleanin’ the open wounds on my knuckles. I’m so fuckin’ stupid sometimes.

“Hey..” I bring my left hand to her chin, liftin’ her little face up to look at me, “I’m good.”

“You’re hurting, Daryl.. Maybe it isn’t broken, but...”

“I been through worse..”

She glances at me real quick then back at what she’s doin’ and I know she gets it. We’re sittin’ on the couch in my livin’ room in silence, not really talkin’ no more. But it’s ok cause I ain’t exactly wantin’ to. For once, I’m feelin’ like my brain is shut off. Like my thoughts and shit took a break or somethin’ and I ain’t really worryin’ ‘bout nothin’ or feelin’ too much of anythin’. Fuckin’ finally. Guess I really needed to break a little. Get it all out so I could really let it go and restart. Rebuild a better life than I been quote unquote livin’ for all them years. Holdin’ shit in ain’t really done me no good ‘cept for weighin’ me down for so long… keepin’ me here… and I don’t fuckin’ need all that. And I don’t fuckin’ need Merle. Cause I'm realizin' he's my biggest trigger for the worst parts of my life.

“I’m sorry ‘bout them things Merle said.. I ain’t like he said I was.. I don’t -”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything you did in the past and you sure as fuck don’t owe me an explanation. It’s over and done.” she’s lookin’ at me and I’m losin’ myself in them big brown eyes. Feelin’ things again.

“Fair enough.” I’m lookin’ down at my good hand. Then at my torn up hand in hers. Them little soft delicate hands attached to slim inked up arms attached to the most beautiful girl in the world. Suddenly, I’m startin’ to feel a little embarrassed and I ain’t too sure why. The realization that she saw me cry like a little bitch some short moments ago. What kinda man is she thinkin’ I am now? Men ain’t supposed to be cryin' like that. Let alone cryin’, throwin’ fits and punchin’ walls like some bratty fuckin’ kid. Fuckin’ brain. Now I’m thinkin’ all crazy again. I hate bein’ in my head. In my own thoughts. Guess shuttin’ off ain't meant to last that long.

“I believe you. That it was before me.” she pauses, “You fucking that girl.”

“It was. And it was bullshit.”

“I know.” her voice is soft and she’s touchin’ her hand to my face. Lockin’ eyes and I ain’t at all prepared to be able to hold back what I feel for her. How she’s makin’ me feel.

“I love you.” I say it before I realize I’m sayin’ it cause I been thinkin’ them words over and over in my head everytime I look at her. But I’m so fuckin’ drained and exhausted from all the bullshit that I don’t even care. It’s true.

She’s blinkin’, them beautiful eyelashes battin’ all fast and she’s turnin’ all kindsa red. She sighs, lookin’ down at my fucked up hand and lettin’ out a giggle, continuin’ doin’ what she was doin’. She’s shakin’ her head a little, still kinda laughin’ and I ain’t too sure what that shit means. I know she ain’t gonna say it back. I know she ain’t really knowin’ what she’s feelin’ and it’s ok. But it don’t mean it ain’t kinda hurtin’ my feelin’s. And again, we ain’t really sayin’ nothin’.

And there goes my fuckin’ brain again. Flippin’ the damn switch and now the silence is too fuckin’ loud and I can’t take it. Dammit.

“Sooo.. New York, huh?” the first thing that comes to mind. Changin’ the subject. My eyes glued to her, just… admirin’ everythin’ ‘bout her cause lookin’ at her sets me alive. Brings me peace.

She ain’t lookin’ at me, though “I was thinking.. we could leave Sunday the 25th.. your birthday is the 28th… which is that Wednesday… and then we could come back the following Sunday.. A full week.. think you could take the time off with such a short heads up?”

“I never take time off. Never.” I wince a little cause it kinda burns, “I’ll talk to ‘em.. Mike too.. He’ll cover me. I know he will. Mike’s a fuckin’ good guy.”

“I really hope so.”

“I’ll fuckin’ quit if TJ gives me shit..” I swear to fuckin’ Christ. Cause I ain’t stupid and with all the damn workin’ I been doin’, I got a nice amount of money saved up. I mean.. It ain’t like it’s that much.. but it’ll hold me off comfortably for a few months..

She looks up at me like I’m talkin’ crazy, raisin’ that cute little eyebrow.

“Nothin’s gonna keep me from goin’ to New York with you.” I’m lookin’ in them big brown eyes and I’m wishin’ we could just get the fuck outta here right now and never come back.

“It doesn’t have to be for your birthday, I just thought -”

“We’re gonna go. The time you were plannin’ for it. It’s gonna work out.” I reach out and push her long dark hair behind her ear, touchin’ her face. I’m holdin’ back from tellin’ her I love her again. Tellin’ her all them things I’m feelin’ and wantin’ to do with her. I’m gonna fuckin’ marry this girl, if she’ll have me. One day, ya know..

“Daryl..” she’s blushin’ a little, talkin’ real low.

“Mmhhmm..”

“You are…” she pauses, gigglin’ some, “You’re incredible, you know that?”

I pause for a second, cause I ain’t too sure what to say. I’m shruggin’ my shoulders, shakin’ my head. Incredible? I don’t know ‘bout all that, but I ain’t mad she’s thinkin’ so.. “I’m alright..”

Them big brown eyes find mine again, “You’re my hero, Daryl Dixon. You should know that.”

I laugh, rubbin’ on the back of my neck and I’m feelin’ my face get hot.

“I mean it.” She sighs, lookin’ at me all serious, “You’ve had all the odds stacked against you your whole life… and you rise like a fucking phoenix from the ashes every single time you’re faced with adversity. Even stronger than the last. You never give up. You go with the flow and listen to your heart. And you know what? Maybe you’re afraid of shit.. but you never let fear win. You don’t run away.. you face it and move on.. just like you did tonight...you’re everything I wish I could be.. My legit fucking hero.” she’s gazin’ at me like she’s got more to say but she’s pausin’, “I think…” she shakes her head a little, lookin’ down then lookin’ back up at me, gigglin’ again.

“What? You think… what?”

“I don’t know… I’ll tell you later..” she ain’t lookin’ at me, finishin’ up with my hand, gettin’ it all cleaned and dressed for me as best she could with what I had in my medicine cabinet.

“Tell me now.”

“You know… I did a damn good job..” She’s clearly changin’ the subject, admirin’ my gauze wrapped knuckles, “How does it feel?”

I’m takin’ a deep breath and exhalin’, feelin’ like I need a smoke, “It feels great.” I’m not meanin’ to sound disappointed.. but it gets me thinkin’ it came out that way cause, truth is, I kinda am. I wish she was more open with me like I am with her ‘bout them things I know she’s feelin’. But maybe I’m just actin’ like a fuckin’ little baby. She just said some really nice things ‘bout me.. So what if it ain’t ‘I love you too, Daryl’... it still means somethin’.. I gotta stop drivin’ myself crazy for no reason..

“Well… you’re my hero too.” I blurt.. delayed response. But better late than never.

“How so?”

“You saved my life.. Got me feelin’ like livin’. Cause all them years, I been breathin’ but I wasn’t alive… and....you had the balls to just pick up and leave.. and I never did.”

“There aren’t any ‘balls’ involved in running away from your problems, Daryl..” she’s crossin’ her arms, shakin’ her head, “Where’s the heroics in that?”

“Well if you didn’t run away…. then you wouldn’ta came down here to save my sorry ass.. so.. yeah.. You’re my hero. Fuckin’ deal with it, girl.”

Them pouty lips curl into a beautiful smile and I can’t help but start smilin’ too. She starts laughin’ again, coverin’ up her face all shy like and she got me feelin’ light as a feather. Gettin’ all that built up bullshit out my system and havin’ her here with me, nothin’ can bother me no more. Not Merle. Not nothin’. And as confusin’ as our relationship kinda is.. cause , to me it fuckin’ is...with all the ups and downs and back and forths.. I’m really feelin’ like we’re gonna be ok. And even if it’s just the euphoric state I’m in this very second, I’m gonna live in it and not give a fuck ‘bout what’s gonna happen tomorrow or the next day. Thinkin’ like that’ll have you missin’ out on what’s right in front of you..

She’s raisin’ her arms up and starts singin’, “I can be your hero, baabbyy.. I can kiss away the pain.. I will stand by you forreevverr.. you can take.. my breath away.. ”

I start laughin’ then she starts laughin’ too, turnin’ all red and hidin’ her face again. Actin’ all shy in front of me all of a sudden.

“I’m such an idiot. That was really fucking stupid.” she’s blushin’ even more, playin’ with her hair, "Enrique Iglesias? Really?"

“You’re so goddamn cute..” I lean back, restin’ my arms up on the back of the couch.

"Yeah, no.. that was soo not metal." she laughs.

“You should sing to me more often.”

“Daryl Dixon, you have clearly lost your mind.”

“That’s fine.. I don’t need it” I’m lookin’ at her, brushin’ my fingers against her little shoulder, “I just need you.”

“Oh, cut all that sweet shit out, will you..”

“I mean everythin’ I’m sayin’..”

“I know you do.. And it’s making me wanna have your fucking babies.. And I don’t fucking want babies, so cut it the fuck out..” she’s pointin’ that little painted finger at me. “better yet…” She pauses, bitin’ on her bottom lip, “feel that warm baby batter hit the back of my throat after you fuck my mouth with that hard, meaty cock..” she’s raisin’ that eyebrow again, lookin’ at me like she’s wantin’ to eat me, “How does that make you feel?”

I start laughin’ cause I’m caught off guard and I shouldn’t be at all shocked by them things that be comin’ outta that girl’s mouth. She got a serious talent in turnin’ a nice moment into somethin’ dirty and sexual. How does all that make me feel? My body instantly starts reactin’ to what she’s sayin’ and I’m seein’ nothin’ but her on top of me, ridin’ my dick while I’m watchin’ them perfect little tits bounce. But I do mean what I’m sayin’.. I do.. and I want her to be the one to have my babies one day.. I really do..

She starts rubbin’ on my dick through my jeans and I’m just watchin’ her, lookin’ her right in them eyes and she’s starin’ at me drunk in lust.. but maybe more.. just a little more than that.. more ‘like’.. maybe more love.. but then again, maybe I’m just seein’ what I wanna see. She’s leanin’ closer to me and whisperin’ in my ear, “Tell me how that makes you feel.. Me rubbing on your cock like that..”

I lick my lips, gettin’ harder by the second. She’s gigglin’, kissin’ on my neck unbuttonin’ my jeans and I’m havin’ a really hard time thinkin’ ‘bout anythin’ now other than that sweet pussy. How she smells and tastes… and fuckin’ feels.. Fuck.. my animal instincts are completely takin’ over.. And if she ain’t wantin’ me to be sweet, then she ain’t gonna get it..

“Take them fuckin’ pants off… sit on it..” I’m gettin’ kinda aggressive with her, but she fuckin’ loves that shit. I’m hard as a goddamn rock as she frees my dick, standin’ at full attention. Swelled and ready and it’s drivin’ me crazy cause I gotta have her. Right fuckin’ now.

She wastes no time undoin’ her pants and slidin’ ‘em off with them little black panties, makin’ sure I’m gettin’ the best view in the house while she’s doin’ it, “you want my pussy...or my ass?”

Fuckin’ goddammit... the fuck do I say to that? I want both and she knows it..

“Pussy first.. Then I’mma finish in that little ass..” I slide my fingers over her smooth slit and she’s fuckin’ soaked already. Fuckin’ little inked up latina girls, man.. best thing ever created..

She wastes no time straddlin’ me and I’m pullin’ her shirt off cause I wanna see that little body. She unhooks her bra and I got the hottest girl in the universe on top of me, naked. So fuckin’ slight.. So goddamn sexy.. She grabs on my dick and slides it over her pussy before sittin’ down and takin’ all of me inside her at once. She yelps and I can’t help but react to how amazin’ she feels, moanin’ and grippin’ on her ass. My hand fuckin’ hurts but I don’t care. The pleasure outweighs any amount of pain. And I’d endure it all for her.

“You’re so hard..” she’s whisperin’, moanin’ in my ear while she’s ridin’ me, wrappin’ them little arms around my neck, “So fuckin’ big.. God, you feel so good..”

I can’t help myself from buckin’ my hips up into her, tryin’ desperately to be deeper inside. Deeper than I ever been. Wishin’ there was a fuckin’ way to get closer. To go further. I’m feelin’ like I gotta be in control this time so I grab her up and toss her on the couch, pushin’ them slender little legs open. I get rid of my clothes so fast I ain’t even rememberin’ actually doin’ it.

And then I’m naked and wastin’ no time climbin’ on top of her, fuckin’ her and she’s diggin’ her nails into my shoulders, cryin’ out and closin’ her eyes. And I ain’t prepared to explain what the hell I’m feelin’ but I’m needin’ to fuck her like an animal and what we’re doin’ on this couch ain’t cuttin’ it. I’m wantin’ more and I’m needin’ to have my way with her.

I grab her up again and take her into the bedroom, throwin’ her on the bed and makin’ her get on all fours so she could suck my dick and taste herself. Cause that girl’s fuckin’ gourmet and I shouldn’t be the only one gettin’ to enjoy it. I want her to. I’m manhandlin’ that little body, grabbin’ her hair and shovin’ my dick in that warm little mouth she got, makin’ her gag some. And I don’t know why, but seein’ her struggle a little is turnin’ me on more. She’s grabbin’ onto my hips and I push her away.

“No hands.” I grunt firmly. I’m lookin’ down at her and she’s lookin’ up at me with tears in them beautiful brown eyes and them pouty pink lips stretched around my shaft. But I can tell she’s likin’ what I’m doin’ to her. She’s suckin’ on me and makin’ sexy little noises and I’m tryin’ so hard not to cum. Her ass is up and the curves of her hips ain’t of this world and I’m still convinced this girl ain’t real. She gags again and takes a break from suckin’ on me to catch her breath. Tears streamin’ black down her face from all that makeup runnin'.

“Did I say you could stop?” I scold.

She’s got the widest eyes and lips parted and she’s pantin’ and moanin’ a little. She’s gigglin’ and givin’ me a look like she’s into how I’m treatin’ her and even though I ain’t usually like this, I’m kinda likin’ it too. So I shove my dick back in her mouth and she’s suckin’ me like she ain’t never sucked me before and I’m just lettin’ her do her thing. Takin’ me as deep as she could, gaggin’ a little but holdin’ it together. I’m reachin’ over to touch on her and she’s perkin’ her ass up cause she knows I love that shit. I lick on my finger and slide it between her ass cheeks, rubbin’ on her little hole some while I’m fuckin’ her mouth. And this is feelin’ so good, but I have to taste her.. I have to...So I give her ass a smack and turn her around, flippin’ her on her back and spreadin’ her legs wide against the bed, buryin’ my face in that hot, wet pussy. I’m lickin’ on her clit and suckin’ on them soft little lips, gettin’ myself wet up with her. And she’s smellin’ and tastin’ so fuckin’ good, I could die here. Just like this. Fulfilled and happy as fuck.

“Uuuhhh.. Yeeaahh.” She’s cryin’ out while I’m tongue fuckin’ her as deep as I possibly could, liftin’ her ass up, really diggin’ her out. I ain’t even stoppin’ to breathe. I don’t even care..

Only thing that matters is what I’m doin’ to her, right here and now. I slide my tongue out her pussy and start lickin’ on her asshole and she’s squirmin’ and moanin’. I could do this all fuckin’ day if she’ll let me. Make her cum over and over until she passes out from the torturous pleasure. And I’ll cum just doin’ it to her… she ain’t even gotta touch me..

But I ain’t tryin’ to cum yet and my dick is throbbin’ and wantin’ more so I plunge my cock back inside that perfect little pussy, thrustin’ long and deep. Real slow for a few pumps then slammin’ her faster. She’s so tight. Got small insides squeezin’ ‘round my shaft like she ain’t tryin’ to let go. Like I'm the biggest she ever had.

“Fuck me.. Fuck me harder..” she’s instigatin’ and I’m doin’ what the lady says, grabbin’ them little slim legs up and pumpin’ my long, thick meat into her harder and faster. She’s hollerin’, takin’ the poundin’ I’m givin’ her, grippin’ all over my arms and tearin’ at the sheets.

We’re both slick with sweat and I got her lifted up, hittin’ it rough and enjoyin’ the view of me goin’ in and out of her. She really does got the prettiest parts I ever seen on a woman and them tiny pink lips resemblin’ delicate petals of the most perfect flower. And I’m just beatin’ it up..

“Smack me.. Hit me… Call me a fucking whore..” she’s diggin’ them bony fingers into my arms.

I rest her ass and legs back down on the bed and I ain’t prepared to smack this girl not one bit. Rough is one thing.. Callin’ her a whore? Maybe.. I mean.. It’s just kinda like roleplay right? I ain’t gonna mean it..

“I ain’t smackin’ ya..” I’m slidin’ in and out of her real fuckin’ slow, lookin’ in her eyes and she’s definitely reactin’ to takin’ all of me like that. I’m on my knees just movin’ my hips, lovin’ seein’ her all spread eagle for me, “Fuckin’ whore.”

She starts massagin’ on her tits and bites her bottom lip when I call her that. Moanin’ and breathin’ heavy. Squirmin’ and tremblin’ under me. I can’t get enough of how hot she is. This girl is ridiculously fuckin’ hot and she’s all mine. I’m all turned on like crazy just thinkin’ ‘bout it and all this visual got me havin’ to get rough with it again. So I pull out, standin’ at the edge of the bed and pullin’ her with me. She’s leanin’ up on her elbows, watchin’ what I’m doin’, patiently. I reach over, grabbin’ some lube and that purple butt plug she likes to keep in my drawer for us to play with.

“Uh oh..” she’s gigglin’ and I’m lubin’ her up real good makin’ sure the toy is slick enough to slide right in. And it takes less time than before for her tight little ass to swallow it and once it’s in and she’s reactin' to it, I fill her pussy up with me and start fuckin’ her, makin’ them loud flesh smackin’ noises that drive me crazy. She’s got a serious face on, her mouth wide open, and she’s sinkin’ back into the bed, layin’ there and takin’ the hard, deep poundin’. Both her tight little holes filled.

I’m sweatin’ and my hair is all damp, but I ain’t at all close to stoppin’. I’m moanin’ some cause it feels so good and she’s clawin’ at me bringin’ my fucked up hand to her slim little neck. She’s got them big brown eyes glued to mine and she’s noddin’ her head like she’s wantin’ me to choke her. I’m wrappin’ my hand around her neck, and she’s grippin’ on my forearm tellin’ me to fuck her. She’s gettin’ real aggressive with me and I’m feedin’ off her energy and body language. She starts slammin’ herself into me, fuckin' herself and I ain’t ‘bout to let her take over control so I got one hand ‘round her neck and I’m holdin’ both her other hands down up over her head so she can’t move. I’m fuckin’ her as hard as I can and she’s cryin’ out. I ain’t tryin’ to really put pressure on her throat, but I can feel her swallowin’ and shit and it’s kinda turnin’ me on. I ain’t likin’ to admit it but at this point my mind ain’t really thinkin’ ‘bout whats right or wrong. I like havin’ her pinned down and mostly it’s cause I know she fuckin’ loves that shit.

“How the fuck does that feel? Huh?” I’m poundin’ the hell outta her, my hair over my eyes and I’m drippin’ sweat.

“Oh, God! Fuucckkk!” she’s hollerin’, pantin’ and clenchin’ her teeth, her natural instincts got her fightin’ with my grip some but I ain’t lettin’ her free. Between my dick and the butt plug, she’s nice and full. But I said I was gonna finish in her ass so that’s exactly what I’mma do. A man of my word.

I let her go and pull out, grabbin’ her up and makin’ her turn around and get on all fours. The base of the butt plug stickin’ out her ass and the visual is too much. My dick’s gettin’ jealous so I carefully take the plug out and lick her some cause I’m addicted to tastin’ her. I spread her legs a little to line her ass up better with my cock, before lubin’ up and slidin’ in. She’s so fuckin’ tight I wanna burst as soon as I get the tip inside but I can’t. Just a few more minutes, at least. She’s tensin’ up and I’m kissin’ on her back, pushin’ her sweaty hair out her face. I probably ain’t gonna be able to get my whole dick inside and that’s ok cause it turns me on that I’m too big for her. I push in and out of her ass and she’s moanin’ and whimperin’, turnin’ her head to look back at me. She’s got a hand reached under her playin’ with herself and I’m thrustin’ at a faster pace now, really enjoyin’ how warm and tight she is. Her ass is definitely gonna make me cum and I’m ready to let go.

“Fuck, Daryl..”

I’m runnin’ my hands all over them curves and really appreciatin’ what’s happenin’, takin’ it all in before I release. And I’m feelin’ it buildin’ up about to erupt. I wanna feel her skin against mine so I lay over her, grindin’ myself into her and we’re both movin’, breathin’ and moanin’. I’m pressed against her, our bodies are sweaty and hot and I’m cummin’ and it’s fuckin’ amazin’. I’m gruntin’ and moanin’ fillin’ her up with my seed and she’s reachin’ back and grabbin’ on me. I’m tryin’ to regulate my breathin’ but I came so fuckin’ hard, it ain’t that easy. Maybe I’m just gettin’ old. Fuck.

After another minute or so, I slide out of her and run off to grab some wet paper towels to clean her off before collapsin’ onto the bed next to her. She’s cuddlin’ up into me and sighin’, lookin’ up at me. Suddenly, I’m feelin’ kinda bad ‘bout chokin’ on her and pinnin’ her down like some fuckin’ asshole.

“There’s nothing wrong with rough fucking, Daryl Dixon.. Stop overthinking it. I know you..” she’s tracin’ figure 8’s on my chest, readin’ my damn mind again. Shit. Am I that transparent? “You were fucking amazing, Baby”

“I didn’t hurt you though, right?”

“Nope. I liked it. You know I did..” she’s kissin’ my chest and huggin’ on me, “Is your hand ok?”

“It’s fine.” I lift my hand up and there’s a little blood seepin’ through the gauze.

“Shit. Let’s go to the hospital..” she jumps up all cute and concerned.

“It’s nothin’, I just need to elevate it and rest it. Goin’ to the hospital ain’t gonna do no good. Just waste time and money for them to send me back home. Trust me, I know.”

“I trust you.” she lays back down and snuggles up closer.

We lay in silence for a few minutes just enjoyin' the post sex glow.

“Thank you.” I softly speak.

“You never have to thank me for sex, silly..” she laughs.

“No.. for not leavin’ me alone tonight. For bein’ there for me at my worst. Thank you. Havin’ you here means everythin’. I mean it when I tell you how I feel ‘bout you..”

“Oh, Daryl.. I know.. I know..” she’s puttin’ a little painted finger to my lips, “you don’t have to keep verbalizing it for me to feel it... But it does mean everything to me too. Being here with you, that is. I really do mean that.”

I take her hand and kiss on it and I smile a little, “I know.”


	14. New York Is For Lovers (Part 1)

Little fingers squeezin’ my hand and she’s takin’ deep controlled breaths, sinkin’ as far back into the seat as she can without goin’ right through it. She hates this part. She’s been tellin’ me ‘bout it all week. And since this damn plane started descendin’ into New York City a few minutes ago, I gotta say, I ain’t likin’ it too much neither but I’m doin’ my best to keep it cool. This flyin’ shit is for the birds. Fuckin’ literally.

“Almost there.. we’re almost there..” She’s squeezin’ harder, whisperin’ over and over and I ain’t too sure if she’s talkin’ to me or herself. I’m lookin’ around to see if anybody else is feelin’ the same kinda way. And I'm thinkin’ they might be cause everybody's all quiet and just starin’ off, waitin’ for it to be over.

“Hey.. you ok?” I’m leanin’ in to ask her so nobody else hears. I’m sittin’ in the middle seat and she got the window cause she said it helps calm her when she can see what’s goin’ on. Which I ain’t really been seein’ too much of anythin' since we took off cause it’s all dark out. ‘Cept now.. I can see the city and all them lights down below lightin’ up the night sky, which is kinda cool. But it’s lookin’ like we’re flyin’ a lot lower than we actually are and it’s kinda freakin’ me out. Wish we could just fuckin’ land already cause I'm gettin’ kinda anxious.

“Yeah.. I just hate this..”

I ain’t really knowin’ what I could say to offer some type of comfort cause I’m feelin’ like I hate this too so I put my arm around her and she’s movin’ closer to me, layin’ her head on my chest. She’s flown plenty of times before but she says she’ll never be able to stomach landin’. But it is what it is and it ain’t gonna be the reason she stops travelin’ no time soon. And for my first time on a plane ever, I'm thinkin’ I could deal with the bad parts too if it means gettin’ to go places like this. 'Specially with her.

The fuckin’ plane finally touches ground and before it stops, it feels like we ain’t never gonna. Like the whole damn plane is gonna keep goin’ at 200 miles per hour until we eventually hit somethin’ and burn up and die. Yeah.. that was fuckin’ dramatic...I know.. I can feel Chase’s little body jerk forward and I get nervous and grab onto her, protectin’ her. She starts laughin’ and I guess all that is normal but as the plane slows down from what feels like 20 minutes on the runway like a bat outta hell, it finally comes to a stop and yeah… well, fuck all this.. I’m ready to get off this thing.

Suddenly, a few people start clappin’ and I’m lookin’ around not exactly sure whats goin’ on.

“High five.” She’s holdin’ her hand up, “We didn’t die.” she starts gigglin’.

I’m shakin’ my head and meetin’ her on that five halfway before we start to unfasten these damn seat belts and I can stretch my legs. I’m gettin’ real anxious waitin’ for all the other people to get up, get their carry ons and get the fuck out. This flight wasn’t even that long.. but it was damn long enough.

“How excited are you, Baby?” the look of fear and impendin’ doom makes way for that big, beautiful smile I missed so much. She’s touchin’ on my thigh and seein’ her energy shift is makin’ me all hyped again.

“Real excited.”

“You sure are extremely monotone with all that excitement, Dixon.” She’s rollin’ her eyes, her hair all up in that dark nest bun thingy she always puts it in.

“Oh my God! I’m soooo excited! Can you even?!” I’m mockin’ her and actin’ like she does and the lady next to me is givin’ me a look like somethin’s wrong with me and I start laughin’.

Chase is gigglin’ up a storm and smacks my arm, “I know, right?!”

So we finally get up and I grab our shit and we make our way off this plane, wheelin’ our bags out and there are all these cool signs and stuff sayin’ ‘Welcome To New York’ and it’s really startin’ to sink in that I ain’t in Georgia no more. I’m on a whole ‘nother planet. Even the airport seems bigger and got tons more people walkin’ in every direction ‘cept straight ahead. And my girl, she’s bookin’ it. Them little legs movin’ faster than I ever saw ‘em go and I’m just followin’ her like goddamn lost puppy. But ain't nothin' at all wrong with that.

“Ok.. I’m gonna get an Uber.” We make it outside and she pulls her phone out, movin’ them little painted fingers lightnin’ fast and I’m lookin’ around. So many yellow cabs and cars. And people. But I ain’t really seein’ too much of nothin’ else. The air is cool and different. I can’t really explain what I mean… it just is. And I’m reachin’ in my backpack for my jacket.

“3 minutes.” She’s grinnin’ from ear to ear and wrappin’ small arms around my waist, “What do you wanna do tonight?! We’re staying in LIC, so maybe we could just chill out there.. Unless you wanna head into Manhattan!”

“Where are we now?” I slip on the jacket she bought me. My favorite piece of clothin’ I ever owned.

“Queens! Which is where we’re staying.. Manhattan was way too expensive, remember?”

Kinda.. So many different parts of New York City to keep up with when you really ain’t too familiar with nothin’ but Times Square, which she says she hates, and the Statue of Liberty from the movies and shit, “Oh yeah.. Ok..”

Our Uber pulls up and the driver gets out to help us with our bags. Uber is really just another word for cab, I guess, cause it’s all the same shit ‘cept this cab is a nice black Lincoln Town Car with black leather interior. Smells real nice too and got music playin’ like we’re in some urban night club or somethin’. So we get in and this guy already knows where we’re goin’ and he starts drivin’. I’m lookin’ out the window and she’s grabbin’ my hand and I really like how happy she is to be back home. She’s tellin’ me that she can’t wait for me to see the skyline at night and tonight’s perfect. Sayin’ how where we’re stayin’ is the best view in the city and it’s the perfect spot cause it ain’t really too crazy crowded.

Chase leans up and starts talkin’ to the driver, “It’s his birthday!” she’s pointin’ back at me.

“Oh yeah? Happy birthday, Sir!” the driver glances back at me and I’m feelin’ all kindsa awkward. He got himself an accent I ain't never heard before.

“It’s not my birthday.” I’m not wantin’ the unnecessary attention, A… and B… it ain’t my birthday.

“Ok.. His birthday is actually on Wednesday.. Buuuttt....we’re celebrating every day this week!” She’s noddin’ all proud and sittin’ back, huggin’ up on me.

“How old are you gonna be?” he’s drivin’, glancin’ at my reflection in the rear view mirror.

“21. Pretty stoked to be able to legally drink, ya know..”

That driver knows I’m fulla shit and starts laughin’.

Chase is smirkin’ with that eyebrow up again, “No better place to become a real man than in the city that never sleeps, am I right?”

“Absolutely!” the driver nods, lookin’ at the both of us, “You two married?”

“Uuummmm” Them big brown eyes widen and she’s lookin’ at me like she ain’t exactly knowin’ the answer to that.

“I am.” I blurt, “Left the wife back home in Georgia.. Picked this little one up at the airport with some candy and a crisp 20.. ” I laugh, “Ya know how that goes..”

Chase’s jaw drops and she’s shakin’ her head, blushin’ , “He’s obviously fucking kidding… it was a crisp hundred.” she winks, "I'm not that cheap."

We all start laughin’ and even though I ain't seen nothin’ yet, I'm likin’ New York so far. That driver keeps on drivin’ us and we kinda stopped talkin’ at this point. But he got the music playin’ and I’m startin’ to really get to thinkin’ what ‘vacation’ feels like, for once. Chase smacks me on the chest and motions for me to look out the window. All them lights and big buildings. Them skyscrapers from the movies all lit up right in front of us, in real life.

“Just wait.. We’re literally staying right on the East River.” she’s grinnin’, proud to show off where she comes from, “There’s no other view of the skyline quite like that one.”

“Can’t wait.” I put my arm around her and kiss her head as we drive. And I ain’t even sure how long it actually takes us, but before I know it, we’re pullin’ up in front of a big building right on the water. The driver pops the trunk and helps us with the bags before sayin’ happy birthday to me again and drivin’ off.

“Ok.. how does this work?” She’s wrappin’ her sweater tighter around herself.

“Guy said he left the keys for us with the concierge. Just gotta pick ‘em up.” I’m shruggin’, grabbin’ her bags cause I’m a gentleman.

“Fancy.”

So we make our way to the front desk and it’s a pretty nice buildin’. Chase is just smilin’ lookin’ all cute and I’m already thinkin’ ‘bout what I’mma do to her in that man’s apartment tonight. All week.

“Hi. Pickin’ up keys for apartment..” I look at the notes I saved in my phone makin’ sure I get it right, “1512.”

“Sure..” the guy at the front desk looks at us for a second cause he definitely ain’t never seen us before, “Your names?”

“Daryl Dixon and Chastity Sanchez.” I do the man a courtesy and pull out my ID. He takes it and nods, lookin’ it over then handin’ it back to me.

“Alright.” he digs around in a box full of envelopes and pulls one out and hands it to me, “Here you go sir. You have a good evening.”

“You too!” she’s wavin’ at him gettin’ all excited. I hand her the envelope and she tears into it, pullin’ out the keys and we get on the elevator and make our way to the 15th floor. This place is real nice. Nicer than any other place I ever been to. I can already tell things are way more different here than… well.. probably anywhere else ever.

She’s fidgetin’ with the keys a little, tryin’ to open the door.

“You fuckin’ broke it.” I’m shakin’ my head.

The key finally turns and she looks up at me, flippin’ me off as she's openin’ the door, “Fucker.”

We get our shit and turn on the lights and this is the nicest apartment I ever seen. Stainless steel fridge and even a microwave. Got a dishwasher too. Pretty nice fuckin’ kitchen. Way nicer than my piece of shit, I can tell ya that. Place is real clean too and I ain’t even sure anybody actually lives here cause it’s lookin’ like a hotel room.

“This is.. awesome..” she got them big brown eyes real wide and she’s explorin’ the rest of the place while I’m closin’ the door and bringin’ the bags to the livin’ room.

I gotta take a leak so I do and even the bathroom is nice. I’m lookin’ at myself in the mirror wonderin’ how the hell I landed a girl like Chase. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, cultured, tough, loves to fuck - every man’s fantasy. And I’m just… well.. It ain’t like I don’t think I deserve a girl like her or that I ain’t good enough...I guess..I just never thought it was in the cards for me to be so lucky..

“Daryl! You taking a shit? Did you fall in?” she’s hollerin’.

I’m realizin’ I’m just standin’ here, starin’ in the mirror, daydreamin’ with my dick in my hand. I laugh to myself, givin’ it a shake before I flush the toilet, put it away and wash my hands. I walk out and she’s standin’ by the window, takin' in the sights. She took all that long, dark hair down and it’s flowin’ perfectly, touchin’ the small of her back. That tiny waist curvin’ into hips and ass and I’m convinced a higher power sculpted that little body by hand. Paid some extra attention to detail cause that ass brings tears to my eyes. ‘Specially in them yoga pants she got on.

She turns around, catchin’ me starin’ at her like a damn love sick puppy, “Are you ogling my ass, perv?”

I laugh, crossin’ my arms, “You ain’t tryin’ to hear what I’m doin’.”

“And why is that?”

“Cause you ain’t.”

“Try me..” she’s walkin’ closer to me, smirkin’.

“Nope.” cause I’m thinkin’ ‘bout how much I care ‘bout ya.. and that ain’t been too popular of a topic.

That girl knows how to get me feelin’ things. Every way a livin’, breathin’ flesh and blood man can feel things. She’s lookin’ up at me, standin’ all of 4 foot 10 and as much as I want nothin’ more than her wrappin’ them little arms around me, like she’s doin’... it kinda scares the fuck outta me. Cause I always got it in the back of my head that she got the power to crush me. And as much as I try and act like I got this under control… I fuckin’ don’t. And as usual, I’m fuckin’ up the moment with all these damn thoughts..

“Mmmm… you smell so good..” she’s takin’ a deep breath in then breathin’ out against my chest and the heat of her breath is drivin’ me even more insane than I already am.

I’m huggin’ her back and we’re just standin’ there in what’s kinda like our very own apartment for the next week and I’m imaginin’ what it’d be like to really have our own place together. And as usual, I’m holdin’ back from tellin’ her how much I’m lovin’ her.

She’s pullin’ away some like she’s readin’ my mind again and tryin’ to change the subject, like she usually does, “Wanna take a walk? Maybe grab a drink? Celebrate?” big brown eyes lookin’ up at me and I ain’t never prepared to deny her.

“Come on.. let’s celebrate..” I’m smilin’ down at her and she’s squeezin’ on me before lettin’ me go, walkin’ over to her bag, openin’ it up.

“I’m just gonna throw on something warmer.. It’s always colder near the water.” she starts rummagin’ through her clothes, pullin’ out a black long sleeve shirt and a black moto jacket. She starts takin’ off what she got on and seein’ her bare skin like that is makin’ me wanna stay in tonight and feel her movin’ under me instead of goin’ out. Instantly gettin’ hard off thinkin’ all that. This damn girl.

She slips the shirt over her head, slidin’ them cute little inked up arms through the sleeves. I’m watching her as she’s puttin’ her jacket on, fixin’ her long dark hair. Her eyes catch mine and we both start smilin’ and she’s gigglin’ all shy.

“Ready?” she’s grabbin’ her bag, throwin’ it over her shoulder. It got all these metal studs on it just like it should, cause she’s a fuckin’ little rockstar.

“Mmhhmm.”

We make our way back down the elevator and out the door. The air is nice and cool and there’s a breeze makin’ it feel even cooler. We’re walkin’ over to the pier and it’s the first real time I’m takin’ in the view. Like really takin’ it in that I ain’t in Georgia no more. I’m in New York City. And it’s the coolest fuckin’ thing I ever seen. All them lights comin’ off the buildin's are reflectin’ off the East River and it’s lookin’ like twinklin’ stars floatin' along the surface. The Empire State Buildin’ is lit up red and she says it’s her favorite at night cause it’s always lightin’ up different colors. I feel a small hand slip inside mine and I’m lacin’ my fingers with little painted ones as we’re walkin’ onto the pier all the way down till we can’t go no more.

I’m feelin’ really happy to be here with her and I’m gonna make damn sure nothin’ gets in the way of us havin’ the best week. Mainly meanin’, me actin’ like a fuckin’ little pussy.

We start huggin’, lookin’ out at the view. And she’s pointin’ out all the buildin’s to me, gettin’ all excited.

“Let me take a picture of you!” She’s grabbin’ her phone out her bag.

I’m tryin’ my best not to be all awkward, diggin’ my hands in my jacket pockets as she’s steppin’ back to take a picture of me. My hair is all over the place, just blowin’ in the breeze and I’m smilin’ a little, feelin’ like a youngin' goin’ out to play with his friends alone for the first time. Like I'm liberated and finally livin' the way I wanna.

She’s holdin’ the phone up, bitin’ her bottom lip while she’s snappin’ the picture, “Fucking A. That’s my new phone background.” she’s runnin’ over to show me and I ain’t gonna lie, it’s a damn good picture.

“Let me take one of you..”

“Let’s take one together!” She’s handin’ me her phone, “get the Empire State in the background!” she’s grabbin’ on me and it’s kinda hard cause she’s so short without them big ass boots on so I sink down some and do my best to get a nice pic and fuck, we look so good together.

So we take a few more pics, huggin’ on each other and kissin’ a little. Then we walk around some more, holdin’ hands and it feels good to be with her like this. Just me and her and nobody else. No jobs, no bullshit. And I’m feelin’ like I can really be myself. Not that I wasn’t before… but I could really just start over. Here in New York, I ain’t got no history. No stupid fuckin’ bullshit followin’ me around, labelin’ me and holdin’ me down. Even the air is feelin’ better on my skin. And Merle… well, what the fuck does he know? Cause ain’t nobody lookin’ at me like I’m some dumb fuckin’ redneck. Maybe it’s this jacket.. Maybe it’s cause I got this pretty little Puerto Rican girl from New York on my arm.. Whatever it is.. Ain’t nobody treatin’ me like I don’t belong.

Chase is gettin’ kinda cold so we find a spot to have a seat and get a drink. Real nice quiet spot that only serves wine but I ain’t even carin’. So we get a small table in the corner, order some red wine, and it’s really feelin’ like a nice romantic date. Like she’s my girl and I’m her man and there ain’t nowhere else in the world we’d rather be.

“Salud!” she’s raisin’ her glass of red, tappin’ it against mine.

I take a sip and it ain’t so bad, “Mmmm.. I’m likin’ this.”

“Cab Sauv!” she’s smilin’, lookin’ so beautiful.

“That too..” I take another sip, “But.. this.. I mean.. Hangin’ out like this..”

She’s smilin’ softer now and tiltin’ her head a little to the right, just lookin’ at me, “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on, Daryl Dixon.”

“Funny.. cause I was just thinkin’ ‘bout how beautiful you look tonight. I mean… you always look beautiful to me..” I’m tryin’ not to chug this glass of wine like a classless redneck, “But it's somethin’ extra right now..”

She’s gigglin’, blushin’ and playin’ with her hair, “I’m really happy..”

“Me too.”

Her eyes are locked on mine and we’re just gazin’ at each other not even realizin’ it until the waitress comes over and asks us if we’re ready to order any food. And I’m kinda mad that she broke up the moment.

“Uuummm…” Chase is readin’ the menu and I’m watchin’ her doin’ it cause I ain’t ready to stop lookin’ at her. She’s got a little painted finger to her lips as she’s skimmin’ through the cheese list. She looks up at me, “what do you think, Babe?”

And I’m all caught like a deer in headlights cause I ain’t got no clue. I wasn’t even thinkin’ ‘bout it cause my mind is all one track and only thinkin’ ‘bout her, “Uuhh.. can you come back maybe?”

“Need a few more minutes? No problem, guys! Take your time!” the pretty brunette waitress is smilin’ all big and noddin’ before walkin’ to the next table to check in on ‘em.

“So many fucking cheeses.. I kinda want them all..” Chase is laughin’.

And I ain’t exactly interested in readin’ the menu cause I’m too fixated on her, “Get whatever you want.”

“Well.. what do you want?” she’s lookin’ up from the menu in her hand.

“Maybe some kinda cheddar or somethin’ like that..”

“Ok!” she’s gettin’ all excited, “Mmmmm.. and how about this flatbread? It’s got all the meats on it!”

“Yeah.. let’s get that.” hearin’ her describin’ the food is makin’ me realize I’m actually kinda hungry. I drink more of my wine and finish it up.

“You need another glass..” she’s noddin’, touchin’ my hand from across the table.

My heart's doin’ things. So’s my stomach. All my insides are feelin’ like they’re gonna explode. But not necessarily in a bad way. Just when I think I can’t feel nothin’ more than I already do for this girl, I start fuckin’ feelin’ more. And she ain’t even doin’ nothin’ out of the ordinary but there’s somethin’ ‘bout this place. Somethin’ ‘bout just bein’ here with her that’s seemin’ so different. Bein’ away from my shit apartment in my shit town. Bein’ here with all them lights.. Drinkin’ wine with the girl of my dreams. Fuck. Here I go again.. Wantin’ to yap to her ‘bout what she does to me… what she means to me.. How much I.. fuck..

Just then the smilin’ waitress comes back over, breakin’ me outta my damn head again. Chase pulls her hand away and orders 3 cheeses I ain’t even gonna try and pronounce, that meat flatbread thing and a bottle of red wine. The waitress takes the menus away and 30 seconds later, brings over that wine, pourin’ us each a glass and leavin’ the rest with us. I’m feelin’ all fancy cause I don't never really drink wine, let alone orderin’ a whole bottle at a restaurant.

“Way better deal than ordering by the glass, don’t you think?” she’s sippin’.

“Hell yeah.” I’m still tryin’ not to chug.

“How do you feel? You’re in New York City, Babe!”

I smile some, “Yeah.. I feel great. This is really fuckin’ cool.”

“We have so much to see and do! I’m so fucking excited!” her face is lightin’ up, takin’ another sip, “My friends are excited to meet you..”

“You told your friends ‘bout me?” I start feelin’ a little insecure and I don’t know why.

“Of course.”

“What’d ya tell ‘em?”

She sighs as the waitress comes back with a wood block and the cheese presented all fancy on top of it. There’s a few pieces of bread and some honey and shit too. I say thank you and turn my attention back to Chase cause I gotta know what she’s tellin’ her friends ‘bout me.

“What do you think I told them?” she’s smilin’, diggin’ right in.

I shrug. I dunno.

She’s puttin’ some cheese and honey on a piece of bread and takin’ a bite, “I told them you’re amazing.” she’s chewin’ and swallowin’, drinkin’ some wine to wash it down, “I told them you’re literally my favorite human in the universe.” she pauses, “I told them they’re gonna fucking love you.”

“Like you do?” I’m throwin’ back some more wine, bracin’ myself for impact.

She’s shakin’ her head and laughin’, eatin’ some more, “I’d say the way they’d love you and the way I might.. possibly.. would be two entirely different things.”

“So you do love me?” I’m feelin’ this wine.. Grabbin’ the bottle and toppin’ us both off.

“Daryl..”

“It’s just a question.” I’m eatin’ some of that cheese and honey, lookin’ at her.

“It’s a big question.”

“I ain’t tryin’ to make you uncomfortable or force you to say it if you ain’t feelin’ it. But if you are…” I’m holdin’ eye contact with her and we’re just starin’ at each other like we got so much to say but nothin’s actually comin’ out.

“If and when I am.. You’ll be the first to know.” she’s drinkin’ more wine.

I’m noddin’ my head, bitin’ on the inside of my bottom lip. Why do I always gotta bring it there and make it fuckin’ awkward all the damn time? I ain’t too good at keepin’ things inside with her. I ain’t too good and not tellin’ her how I feel. I don’t really know why, and it’s only with her, that I just can’t seem to shut the fuck up.

“But..” here I fuckin’ go.. “I mean…” I sigh, pausin’, “I know we talked ‘bout it.. I guess I just.. I dunno.. I never really had nobody tell me them things.. and.. I feel so much for you.. more than I ever felt for anybody alive and breathin’.. even myself.. which really ain’t sayin’ much..” and now I’m fuckin’ ramblin’ on makin’ no damn sense.. goddammit.. “The only thing in the world that would mean anythin’ to me… well.. is if you felt the same way..”

She’s lookin’ at me with big glassy eyes.

“I mean… fuck.. nevermind.. I’m just gettin’ way too excited bein’ in New York.. It’s makin’ me weird. I’m sorry.. Forget it.. we can talk ‘bout this shit later..” I force a laugh and pull myself together. Actin’ like a little fuckin’ bitch again. Chuggin’ down that wine.

“If I tell you what you wanna hear..” she pauses, “I can’t confirm it’s authenticity. I can’t. So I’m not going to say it until I don’t have to question it. Until there’s no doubt in my mind that I am one hundred and ten percent sure that I mean it with every fiber in my body. With my full heart and soul. Please… just understand that.”

And just like that I feel like a fuckin’ moron. Again. I’m tryin’ to explain myself and say somethin’ but ain’t nothin’ comin’ out. Nothin’ but..

“I love you, Chastity.”

She’s closin’ her eyes for a few seconds then openin’ ‘em back up to look at me. She smiles a little and looks down. Then back up at me.

“I ain’t gotta question it. I’m sorry, but I gotta keep sayin’ it cause I’m feelin’ it. And if you ain’t there yet, I understand and I’ll leave you alone ‘bout it. But then you gotta let me love you. And let me say it to you. It feels good for me to tell you. I need to tell you. I just gotta get it out… it’s so fuckin’ much, I just gotta let it out.”

She’s noddin’ and smilin’, her eyes all glassy again, “Ok.. Alright..”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.” she clears her throat, grabbin’ her glass and drinkin’ more, “I like to hear it..I like when you say it... It just scares me..” her voice is softer and low.

I start smilin’ and it feels like a weight is lifted off my damn shoulders, “Ok.” that’s all I got.

“Ok.” that girl too.

We both start laughin’ and she’s toppin’ us off this time. The waitress brings over our flatbread and we change the subject, talkin’ ‘bout everythin’ but our feelin’s ‘bout each other. Eatin’, drinkin’ more and carryin’ on. And I feel stupid but I’m tryin’ not to dwell on it. Why the fuck is this shit so complicated? I mean… I’m fuckin’ scared too. I’m scared of bein’ hurt by the only person I’ve ever loved. But I’m willin’ to take that chance cause she fuckin’ means the world to me. I don’t know how the fuck this happened. I really don’t. One day I was just this messed up guy who didn’t have no feelin’s toward nobody or nothin’. All by choice and circumstance. Then all of a sudden this girl appears and I’m completely changed forever. It ain’t her fault and it ain’t my fault. She didn’t force me into feelin’ them things and I sure as hell ain’t had no control over it. It just happened and it just is and there ain’t nothin’ I can do ‘bout it now even if I tried. Even if I wanted to. But through all them questions I got and all them ‘what the fucks?’... all the newness and crazy shit I’m goin’ through with what the hell I’m feelin’ for this girl.. None of it matters cause I’m embracin’ the fact that even though I’m completely fuckin' lost, afraid and confused, I love lovin’ her. It’s my favorite thing and I’m fuckin’ good at it. And that outweighs everythin’ else. I see hope in her. I see the fuckin’ glass half full in her. I see myself in her and a future I never thought was possible for a guy like me. I’m seein’ a best friend in her. A real family. A wife and a baby even. Things I never thought ‘bout cause I never wanted to dream up shit that I knew would never happen for me. But I see all that and more when I look at her. And I know in my heart she’s gonna come around. I fuckin’ know it. Maybe New York City is where she’ll fall in love with me. Maybe. But if not, I’ll keep on waitin’. Drivin’ my fuckin’ self crazy..


	15. New York Is For Lovers (Part 2)

“Mmmmm keep going, Baby...” she’s breathin’ and whisperin’ in my ear, “I’m so close..”

I’m movin’ my hips nice and slow, grindin’ against her while I’m deep inside. We’re wrapped up in each other under the sheets and covers. She got her hands all over me, runnin’ up and down my back, grabbin’ on my ass and she’s meetin’ me halfway, grindin’ them hips just the same. And the way we’re goin’, it’s creatin’ the perfect friction between us to get her off. But it ain’t just ‘bout that. That parts the bonus.

I’m on top of her, cradlin’ her pretty little head while I’m thrustin’ myself in and out, real fuckin’ slow takin’ my time and hittin’ spots I’m feelin’ like I never hit before. She’s makin’ sweet, breathy noises.. Runnin’ little fingers through my hair, holdin’ my face in her hands and we start kissin’. Real fuckin’ passionate kissin’ and she's shovin’ her warm tongue in my mouth, pushin’ my hair out my face and I’m holdin’ her under me, even closer. Pressin’ myself into her, skin on skin. That beautiful little body fused together with mine and I can feel her gettin’ wetter and even hotter, squeezin’ around my thick hard cock. Our bodies are all sweaty and just fittin’ so fuckin’ perfect together, movin’ like we’re made for each other. Cause to me, we are and I’m makin’ love to her and I know she’s feelin’ it too. She gotta be. 

She ain’t sayin’ it like she usually does, but I know she’s cummin’ cause she’s tremblin’ under me, grabbin’ on my hair and cryin’ out louder. Pushin’ up into me and I can feel her muscles contractin’ around me, squeezin’ on my cock and I’m cummin’ inside her, gruntin’ and breathin’ heavy into her neck. My whole body shudders as I explode, and oh my fuckin’ God it feels so goddamn good. I’m gettin’ goosebumps all over my body.

I’m layin’ on top of her and we’re both tryin’ to catch our breath, and she got them little painted fingers in my hair, gigglin’. I’m still hard as a rock inside her and I ain’t got plans to pull out cause I ain’t tryin’ to not be connected to her like this. Such a fuckin’ connection and she got me all wet up with her and I’m lovin’ it.

“I’m still fucking cumming.. Holy shit..” she’s gigglin’ and convulsin’ a little under me like she got jolts of electricity zappin’ that little body.

I’m holdin’ myself up, my hands pressed into the bed, lookin’ down at her. And she’s got her eyes glued to mine, all flushed with that pretty mouth hung open, touchin’ on my chest. I start kissin’ on her neck, thrustin’ in and out of her again cause I’m still fuckin’ hard and ain’t tryin’ to be done with her yet. All that gigglin’ quickly turns to breathy moans and she’s got her hands in my hair again, holdin’ eye contact while I’m pickin’ up the pace. I can fuckin' hear how wet she is and it’s turnin’ me on even more. ‘Specially knowin’ that some of that in there is me.. 

She’s gettin’ louder and them electric jolts are back and she’s tellin’ me she’s cummin’ this time. Right then and there, I start feelin’ like I ain’t in control no more and we’re both blastin’ off to another planet, climaxin’ at the same time and fuck.. There ain’t no feelin’ like it. I’m makin’ her cum while she’s makin’ me cum and it’s the greatest thing ever. I swear Heaven exists and I’m witnessin’ just how fuckin’ real and beautiful it is when that girl is under me. And we’re slippin’ and slidin’ all over the place from all them juices. Got my balls soaked in her.. My inner thighs.. So’re them borrowed bedsheets. Sorry, guy.. 

“Holy fucking shit..” she’s bitin’ on my bottom lip, while we’re kissin’, still grindin’ her pussy up into me, almost violently. Grabbin’ on my ass hard and pullin’ me in. Holdin’ me inside her, “Oh my fucking God..” she’s pantin’ and shakin’ under me. Involuntary movements and I ain’t gonna lie, I’m feelin’ like the mother fuckin’ man right now doin’ all that to her.

Fuck. Sex with this girl ain’t just sex. It ain’t never just sex. And I know it’s more than just my dick in her pussy. It’s more than just that. We’re really connectin’ on every fuckin’ level. Mind, body and soul. I never thought I would ever say that shit. Never in a million goddamn years. But it’s true and I’m really fuckin’ likin’ it.

I’m kissin’ on her and we’re enjoyin’ just makin’ out and bein’ together for a few more minutes before I’m climbin’ off her. She’s holdin’ my hand under the sheets, closin’ her eyes and if she’s tryin’ to fall back to sleep I ain’t gonna wake her. I’m watchin’ her just restin’ and she’s so damn beautiful, it hurts. No.. it actually really fuckin’ hurts. Like a blow to the gut and then I ain’t breathin’ the same way for a few seconds. I can’t help but touch her hair and kiss her forehead, wishin’ we could lay like this forever. Or at least a few more hours. 

“Mmmmm.. Daryl?” she’s sighin’, her eyes still closed.

“Mmhhmm..”

“I can’t move.” she’s gigglin’, “I fucking swear….I’m gonna make a mold of your delicious cock and fuck you with it so you can see how amazing you feel.. what you do to me..”

“Woah..” I’m shakin’ my head, laughin’. Every day I’m less and less surprised at them things she be comin’ up with.

“I’m not kidding.” she opens up them big brown eyes, turnin’ to look at me, "They sell.. like.. legit penis mold kits."

I ain’t really knowin’ what to say to all that so I’m just starin’ right back at her until we both crack a smile and start laughin’.

“I’m literally laying in a puddle of us… so fucking hot..” 

“It’s a wonderful thing.” 

“Sure is...What do you wanna do today?”

“Lay here with you.” 

“You said that yesterday..” she’s buryin’ her face in the pillow, “aside from that.. We’re in New York City, silly.. and your birthday is tomorrow!”

“Hhmmm.. Times Square..”

“Bleh.” she’s stickin’ her tongue out makin’ a face like I just said somethin’ terrible.

“I wanna go there.. and you’re gonna take me.” I’m a fuckin’ tourist, so what, “Statue of Liberty was cool yesterday and that bar and all the pizza and them bagels but I wanna see Times Square in real life. Today.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“How ‘bout we do Times Square so I could say I did it.. Get it outta the way… then we do somethin’ you wanna do.. Whatever you feelin’ like doin’, we’ll do it. Sound good?”

She’s yawnin’, lettin’ go of my hand and stretchin’ them little inked up arms over her head, sinkin’ into the bed, “I’m marinating in your sperm, Daryl Dixon.. It’s dripping down my asscrack... TMI?”

“I don’t even know anymore.. but maybe we should wash them sheets..”

“Later. I think it’s hot... kinda gross… but fucking hot..”

So we dick around some more, laugh and look up things to do on her phone. End up fuckin’ again then takin’ a nice shower together. I like the way it feels bein’ in this apartment with her. Just us. No threat of Merle showin’ up, ruinin’ shit or any other bullshit like that. We get dressed and I wait for her to dry all that hair she got and put on makeup that she don’t need. I don’t realize that I fell asleep on the couch watchin’ TV until little hands start shakin’ me, “Daryl.. I’m ready.”

I open my eyes, sittin’ up and she’s fixin’ my hair, wrappin’ her hands around my neck and pretendin’ to choke me, catchin’ me off guard, “Ok.. I really don’t know why I just did that..” She blushes, gigglin’, “I just wanna kill you sometimes.”

“Cause you love me so much?” I pause, standin’ up, “Makes sense.”

“Oh, Dixon.. you're my one and only..”

I grab my favorite jacket and playfully wrap my hand around the back of her skinny little neck as we walk out the door and start makin’ our way to Times Square. She said we gotta take the 7 train and knows where we’re goin’ so I let her lead the way and she’s holdin’ my hand while we’re walkin’ to the subway and this is already the best trip I ever had. Not only cause it’s kinda the only trip. But.. yeah.. we go down all these stairs to the subway and it smells like shit and got a fuckin’ rat runnin’ ‘round on the tracks. But it ain’t all that terrible to me. Not like I ain’t seen no rat before or smelled some nasty piss and dead smellin’ type shit. The train comes after 2 minutes and we get on. It ain’t really that packed but we don’t bother sittin’ and she’s showin’ me on the map that it’s takin’ us right to Times Square. She’s diggin’ her hands in my pockets holdin’ on to me while I’m holdin’ on to the pole and before we know it, it’s our stop. We get off and it’s like a damn crowded maze in here. People everywhere and walkin’ all over the place. This guy is playin’ music and got this whole ‘one man band’ thing goin’ on and people are standin’ ‘round takin’ pictures of him and shit. Some guy bumps right into me cause he’s too busy on his damn phone and says sorry and runs off. I’m feelin’ kinda overwhelmed and not cause I can’t handle it, but cause I ain’t used to nothin’ like this. Way too much goin' on.

“I hate this station.” my girl grunts, holdin’ my hand leadin’ me through this endless underground tunnel toward the exit and fuckin’ finally, we walk up the stairs outta there... and ain’t nothin’ different up on the street ‘cept we ain’t underground no more cause there’s so many fuckin’ people. Crazy lights and huge ass billboards. So many buildings and horns honkin’. So many fuckin’ cars they ain’t barely even movin’ in all the traffic. All them crazy yellow cabs and people bumpin’ into each other. It’s a fuckin’ free for all out here. Way too much stimulation on all my damn senses. All at once.

“Why are there so many people?” I’m askin’ a stupid fuckin’ question and instantly feel like a moron. It's New York City, you fuckin' idiot.

“Because Times Square is Manhattan’s fart hole. And that’s the reason why New Yorkers hate this place.” She squeezes my hand and sighs, “But besides all that… how cool is it?!” She puts her own feelings aside and starts gettin’ all excited for me.

“Pretty fuckin' cool.” I’m findin’ it hard to not look up at all the lights and stuff. So much goin’ on around us and I’m tryin’ to take it all in but there's so many things to look at. TV and them movies don’t really do it justice. 

“It’s definitely crazier at night. The lights are so bright… this is where the ball drops on New Year’s Eve! You won’t catch me dead here on that day, though.. Ever.”

I laugh, “Yeah, I can imagine..”

We walk around and take pictures everywhere. Tryin’ to do our best to get everythin’ in the background behind us. I ask some guy who looks like another tourist to take one of me and her on them big red stairs cause a selfie ain’t gonna cut it. He smiles and takes a few of us and then I offer to take one of him and his girlfriend. Really nice folks. 

She says we gotta stop at the ‘Nuts 4 Nuts’ cart so we do. The coconut pieces are her favorite, so we get that and some nuts and they’re so fuckin' good. But then I want a hot dog, so we get that too. Dirty water or not, it’s delicious. And I’m havin’ the best time just walkin’ around all over the place with her. Just doin’ whatever. She said I had to have one of them ‘I love NY’ shirts so we went inside one of them gift shops and each got one. She found keychains with our actual names on ‘em that look like little license plates so we got those too. And she took the one with my name and gave me hers. 

Even though we got a bit of a late start today, before we knew it, it was 5 o’clock and we ended up in this part of Manhattan called ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ at this place called ‘Bar Bacon’. And yup, everything on the menu got bacon in it. Fuckin’. Awesome. I get this bacon infused bourbon concoction and she gets somethin’ similar but with champagne and shit cause my girl is classy. And it’s only my second day here but I don’t think I ever smiled this much in my whole life. My damn face hurts, but I’m far from complainin’. I could really get used to this.

“Bacon! Is this place the tits or what?” She taps her glass against mine and takes a sip and I’m tryin’ my pork drink too and it’s so good. My taste buds are goin' crazy from all the awesome shit we been eatin' and drinkin'.

“Hhmm.. you gotta try this..” I push my drink in front of her and grab hers up, tastin’ it too.

“Holy shit.. that’s good.” Big brown eyes light up and she got her hand to her chest like that bacon is tuggin’ on them heart strings. 

“They’re both good. I like this place.” 

“Me too..” she pauses, “But I like you more..”

“Yeah? How much?” 

“Too much.” She takes a big sip of that bacon champagne drink, “Soo..” she pulls out her phone, “Remember when you said if we did Times Square then we could do whatever I wanted after?”

“Mmmhhmmm.”

“If it’s too weird.. or too soon.. I completely understand..” She pauses, takin’ another sip of her drink, “But... how would you feel about going to my mother’s for a real home cooked Puerto Rican meal after this drink? I’m sorry... I know we're on vacation but she knows I’m in town and she’s been texting me to come over..”, big beautiful brown eyes all glassy and lookin’ right at me.

My stomach starts feelin’ weird, and I’m gettin’ all kindsa nervous. She’s askin’ me to meet her mom. And if that’s just cause her mom's been throwin’ guilt trips, who cares.. It’s still a big fuckin’ deal and if she really didn’t wanna introduce us, she wouldn’t even bring it up. Do I wanna meet her mom? Fuck yeah I do.. It means somethin’. But then all them thoughts start comin’ back.. What if she doesn’t like me? What if I ain’t good enough for her daughter? What do I even say to her? Maybe I should have worn a better shirt.. shaved my face and did my hair. Not have had this drink. Oh man..

I realize I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ and I ain’t even sure how long I been quietly starin’ at her, starin’ at me. Say somethin’ Daryl, shit.. “Absolutely.”

“Absolutely?.. Like… you’re ok with that? You want to?” She’s seemin’ real vulnerable, playin’ with her straw.

“I want to.”

A big smile lights up that beautiful face and I start smilin’ too. I take a deep breath and nod, tryin’ to get myself prepared for somethin’ I never thought I’d be doin’. I mean, I met Beth’s mom before and she fuckin’ hated me the second she laid eyes on me, but that was then and this is different. I’m different. This girl means so much to me and if I fuck this up and ruin everything we got goin’, I ain’t never gonna forgive myself. So no pressure..no..not at all.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Are you ok?” she’s askin’ me as we’re walkin’ down the hall toward her mother’s apartment. My fuckin’ heart is beatin’ faster with every damn step, drownin’ out the sounds of people’s TV’s and kids playin’ behind every door we pass.

“Yeah. Why?” maybe cause you’re fuckin’ sweatin’ and can’t stop chewin’ on your damn lip, idiot.. fuck..

“I can literally feel how nervous you are.” she’s stops in front of apartment 3F and grabs on my arms, turnin’ me to face her. She’s lookin’ up at me like she’s wantin’ to say somethin’, studyin’ my face with them eyes. I’m so fuckin’ anxious, I’m gettin’ a headache but I ain’t tryin’ to tell her all that. I gotta man the fuck up.. I just wanna make a great first impression. I want her mom to see that I’m a good man who sincerely loves her daughter and will take care of her. Not just some dumb fuckin’ hick.

“I ain’t nervous.”

She touches them little painted fingers to my face, “My mother isn’t your typical old lady. She’s only 50, still gets tattoos and drops more F bombs than me..” she laughs, “Just be yourself.. you’re the fucking best.” 

“Alright.” that’s all I got as she’s ringin’ the doorbell and I can hear more than one voice talkin’ inside. Then the door unlocks and swings open. The woman standin’ in the doorway squeals, grabbin’ her daughter into her arms and holdin’ tight. Squeezin’ on Chase’s little body and I’m noticin’ that her mom is just as slight as she is and that apple sure as hell didn’t fall far from the tree.

“Ay Dios mio, mi munequita!” Her mother is speakin’ in spanish and I ain’t got a clue what she’s sayin’ but I know she’s real happy to see Chase as she’s breakin’ their embrace to lovingly look at her daughter, “and you were trying to come here and not see your fucking mother? Little bitch!” she laughs and looks up at me, “Is this him?”

“Yes, Ma.. this is my boyfriend, Daryl..” Chase is cheesin’ turnin’ kinda red, “and this is my mother, Sylvia.”

“Daryl, I heard so much about you!” Her mother smiles and I hold out my hand to introduce myself but she’s pullin’ me in for a hug, bringin’ my face down to kiss my cheek, “Ay, mi hijo, we hug and kiss in this family! Venga..Come in! Make yourself comfortable!” she’s grabbin’ my hand and leadin’ me into her apartment and Chase starts huggin’ and kissin’ the two other squealin’ ladies.

I’m feelin’ really awkward cause I ain’t too sure what to do or say or what to do with my hands or my face. I’m fuckin’ clueless. I stick my hands in my jacket pockets and try to act cool, waitin’ for the mini reunion to simmer down some so I can say hi to the other ladies who, by looks alone, are definitely related to my Chase. They all got that dark hair and them same big brown eyes. Nice golden like complexions and really pretty smiles. Only the other two ladies are taller than Chase and her mom. And I'm pretty sure they're also mother and daughter.

“Daryl..” Chase wraps them little arms around my waist, “This is my Tia Connie and my cousin Jaquelina.. Tia, Jackie - This is my boyfriend, Daryl.”

“Oh, he exists!” Connie laughs.

I’m smilin’ and huggin’ them both cause they’re huggin’ me and I’m really hopin’ I’m doin’ a good job and ain’t seemin’ real stiff and weird but truth is, I don’t hug nobody like that and I ain’t really used to it. I never had all that in my family.. well.. I never really had much of a family at all.. so.. yeah.. It’s awkward and a little uncomfortable but I know it’s somethin’ I could get used to cause Chase’s family seems real nice and I can already tell they care ‘bout her a whole lot.

“Daryl, sweetie, can I get you something to drink? Water, iced tea, some Bacardi?” Sylvia laughs, touchin’ on my shoulder while Chase is catchin’ up with her cousin and as dumb as it sounds, I ain’t even prepared to answer that.

“Ummm..” fuckin’ say somethin’, man.. “Some water would be nice..” I crack a smile and feel my face turnin’ red like some shy little 10 year old and I wish I would just get it the fuck together..

Sylvia smiles and turns to Chase, “Leanna.. Tu quiere agua?”

“Yes, please!” Chase takes off her jacket and runs over to me smilin’, “Let me hang up your jacket, Babes..” 

I’m lookin’ at her, slidin’ my jacket off, “Hmm..Leanna..” I hand it to her.

“I’ve been called my middle name my entire life.. I can’t explain why but hispanics like to confuse their kids with that shit.” she laughs.

“Yeah but at least you only got one middle name!” Jackie calls out and they all giggle, “I got like three, though.”

One thing I’m learnin’ ‘bout Puerto Rican women is that they talk real loud. And fast. And all mixed up. One word is english then it’s all spanish and vice versa. And I can see why Chase is so different than any other girl I ever met. These women ain’t afraid to just be themselves. I like that.

So Sylvia brings us water and we all take a seat in the livin’ room. She turns the volume down on the TV which is lookin’ like some dramatic spanish soap opera with some guy in a wheelchair and this other guy talkin’ to him all serious. Then this girl with too much makeup on comes in and they start arguin’ cause I’m guessin’ she’s somebody’s girl and ain’t been bein’ real honest with the poor sack of shit. At least that's what I got from it, since I ain't got a clue what the fuck they're sayin'.

“The food is almost done, guys.. Just needs a few more minutes..” Sylvia smiles.

“It smells delicious”, I say, cause it does. And I’m excited to have a real home cooked meal. 

“Just wait ‘til you taste it!” Sylvia grins, “You ever had Puerto Rican food, Daryl?”

“No, Ma’am.” I take a sip of the water in my hand, “Can’t say that I have..”

“I’m disappointed in you, Leanna.. Why haven’t you cooked for this man?” Sylvia puts her hands to her hips.

“I’m lazy, Ma.. you know that..”

“Nena, how you expect to keep a man if you don't cook! You gotta feed him cause just givin' up the poom poom ain’t enough!” Connie winks, laughin’. She got a real distinct laugh. Kinda like a loud cackle. But it’s the kinda laugh that makes you laugh too.. even if what she's laughin' 'bout ain't funny.. 

So I start turnin’ red again and laughin’ some, then all of us do. And Chase is gettin’ all embarrassed, “Oh my gosh..” she’s buryin’ her face in her hands, “Tia, I can’t.. You have no chill..”

“So, Daryl..” Sylvia jumps in, shiftin' the conversation, “I heard you ride motorcycles..”

“That’s badass, yo!” Jackie bursts and I can tell she’s some years younger than Chase. Maybe early 20’s. Maybe younger.

“It’s pretty sweet.” I crack a smile.

“I also heard you been helping my daughter settle in. Letting her drive your truck and looking after her while she’s off abandoning me..” Sylvia crosses her legs, laughing. She got on black pants and a nice shiny top with that long dark hair all out and curly. She got on makeup but not too much and she’s 'bout 2 inches taller than Chase and if I didn’t know no better, I’d think they were sisters, “I feel much better being able to put a face to the name. My daughter can’t shut up about you.. Daryl this, Daryl that.. ‘Ay, he’s so hot, Ma! Ay, he’s so great you have to meet him!’”

My heart jumps around in my chest and even if I didn’t wanna smile, I couldn’t stop it. She’s been talkin’ ‘bout me. Sayin’ all them nice things. Tellin’ her mom that I’m great. Hearin’ all that is makin’ me feel so happy. Givin’ me some hope for where this is goin’.

“Mami! You’re embarrassing me!” Chase’s face is bright red. 

Sylvia stands up and takes our empty glasses, “You’ll get over it!” she shakes her head with a grin, “Come, help me with the food..”

Chase gets up and looks at me, “I’ll be right back..” She follows her mother into the kitchen and they even got the same walk. And I’m feelin’ like I’m startin’ to loosen up some and not be as freaked out and nervous like I was. Connie and Jackie start talkin' to me, askin' me questions ‘bout what I do and where I work. If I got any siblings and stuff like that. They say they like my accent and start askin’ if I ride horses and shit. They start tellin’ me I need to go to Puerto Rico cause it’s beautiful and fun. I smile and nod, really likin’ the conversation we’re havin’ but then I don’t know what else to say so I start talkin’ ‘bout me and Chase’s trip to Tennessee. The zoo and them flamingo’s she loves so much. I tell ‘em ‘bout Cookout and they never been so I pull up the menu on my phone and they go crazy over all the milkshake flavors. So I tell ‘em they should come visit so we could ride bikes and get us some shakes.

“Dinner is served, y’all!” Chase yells, peekin’ her head out.

“She’s turnin’ country on ya..” I joke and it hits cause Connie and Jackie start laughin’ as we get up and make our way to the kitchen table and holy shit, that food is lookin’ and smellin’ damn good. Got plates already full up, set in front of each chair.

“This one’s for you..” Chase pulls out my chair, motionin' for me to sit while she's excitedly givin’ me a rundown of what’s on my plate, “Pernil, arroz con frijoles y tostones… and salad.” she giggles, kissin’ me on the cheek before sittin’ down next to me. Kinda leavin’ me the same way aside from common sense tellin’ me I got rice and beans and some pork goin’ on based off lookin' at it.

“Quiere pasteles?” Sylvia is askin’, standin’ over a pot on the stove, lookin’ back at us, “Lee, come get one for Daryl..” 

Chase.. Leanna.. the most beautiful girl in the world.. all of the above.. She’s puttin’ more stuff on my plate as everybody’s takin’ their seats at the table and I’m sittin’ down watchin’ ‘em smilin’ and enjoyin’ each others company. Talkin’ in spanish some and it’s ok if I don’t understand what they’re sayin’ cause the energy feels right and I’m really takin’ a likin’ to bein’ here. It’s alright if they ain’t talkin’ to me every 5 seconds neither cause I ain’t got too much to say anyway. Besides, I really like observin’ ‘em cause they love each other like a real family oughta and it shows. I’m seein’ a different side of the girl I proudly call mine and I’m lovin’ it. She’s real tough and aggressive, but she got a softer side too and I’m gettin’ to see all that. I couldn’t be into this girl more if I tried. And if this is a glimpse of what a future with her looks like, well… then I want it more than anything.

“This is delicious.. Wow..” I’m tryin’ not to talk with my mouth full. Tryin’ not to eat like I never ate before. But truth is, I never did eat this good and I’m hopin’ maybe Chase could cook for me like this sometime.

“So glad you like it! Eat up, there’s plenty more!” Sylvia smiles, diggin’ in.

Chase puts her hand on my thigh under the table and we look at each other and smile, shyly. And I’m findin’ it hard to break eye contact cause she gets me like that. So goddamn beautiful and I’m stuck in a trance, losin’ myself in her again.

“Mira, que lindo..” Connie puts a hand to her chest, all dramatic, “Two love birds over here..”

Chase starts gigglin’, coverin’ her mouth so she don’t accidentally spit out what she’s chewin’. At this point, her face might as well stay red cause I never seen her blush this much. I wanna just grab her up and kiss on her, but that wouldn’t be respectful. And her mother and Tia Connie and little Jackie need to know that I’m not some prick off the street.

“It’s refreshing to see my baby with a nice man like you, Daryl.. I don’t know you yet, but I’m a good judge of character.” Sylvia’s brown eyes get all glassy, and she’s lookin’ at me, “I know she doesn’t wanna hear it, but I’ve been waiting for the day that that she finds someone.” She turns her attention on Chase, “And not for nothing, this is the first time you seem genuinely happy, Lee.. you're glowing..”

I know I should just shut up and let the ladies talk but when it comes to spillin’ my feelin’s for that girl, I got loose fuckin’ lips, “You should know, Sylvia, that I care 'bout your daughter very much.. and as long as she’s with me, you got nothin’ to worry ‘bout.”

“I appreciate you saying that, Daryl.” Sylvia nods, glaring at me, “I do hope you mean it because if you hurt my little girl, I will come for you.”

“She really will.” Connie adds with a serious face on, “and she won't be alone."

“I understand.. I won’t hurt her. I promise.”

“As long as we’re clear, we’re good.” Sylvia nods again and I ain’t gonna lie, she’s pretty intimidating. Another thing I’m quickly learnin’ ‘bout Puerto Rican women. 

“Daryl’s a southern gentleman.” Chase is smilin’ with her mouth full, “No threats necessary.”

I’m feelin’ just a little awkward again until Sylvia’s serious tone breaks into laughter and she starts askin’ Chase ‘bout her job and her apartment and shit. Tellin’ her how she worries ‘bout her and she always will no matter how old she is. And I’m thinkin’ thats real sweet and just how a mother should feel. Even though Chase told me some things ‘bout her family and how she grew up and stuff, actually meetin’ her mom is makin’ me wish I had a mother like Sylvia. I wonder if my life would be different. If I’d have struggled less and maybe felt better ‘bout myself growin’ up. Oh well.. No point spendin’ too much time thinkin’ ‘bout it. Just glad I got the chance to be here tonight. Pretty cool.

I end up eatin’ another plate of food cause it’s so good and I’m thinkin’ I’m gettin’ extra brownie points with Sylvia. After we all finish eatin’ I volunteer to help clean off the table cause I wanna show that I ain’t above doin’ the cleanin’ and Sylvia likes that too. I’m pretty sure I’m gettin’ in good with my potential future mother-in-law and I’m real proud of myself. It only takes a few minutes to wipe shit down and clean up the dishes and before we head back into the livin’ room, little inked up arms pull me back and wrap around me. And I have to kiss her. I can’t hold back no more. So I do and she’s kissin’ me back but just a little bit, since we got a minute in the kitchen alone. She pulls away, smilin’ up at me with that smile, takin’ my hand and leadin’ me out to join the other ladies. We sit down and Sylvia starts askin’ me ‘bout my hair. She says she likes it and then suddenly I got four ladies takin’ turns runnin’ their fingers through it. 

Then Sylvia breaks out a photo album of Chase when she was a baby. Pictures of when she was first born.. Her first birthday.. first day of kindergarten.. She had so much hair and she was so fuckin’ adorable. The cutest little baby I ever seen. Chase is gettin’ all giddy and excited showin’ me her brother, pointin’ out the toys she used to play with and her favorite dress she wore when she was 5. Pictures of her and her cousins back in Puerto Rico. Even pictures of pigs they were killin’ and roastin’ in the backyard. She’s turnin’ the page and I’m watchin’ her smilin’ and reminiscin’ and fuck… I’m so in love with this girl. The sun literally rises and sets with her. She’s makin’ me a better man every single day and if I could, I would bring her the moon and the stars. Bein’ here and seein’ New York.. hangin’ out with her family like this and seein’ the most intimate parts of who she is and where she’s from solidifies my hope for a future with her. I want her with me for the rest of my life.

“Excuse me for one moment..” Sylvia stands up and taps Chase on the shoulder, “Come help me with something in the kitchen.”

Chase nods, followin’ her mother while Connie and Jackie are tryin’ to explain to me what’s goin’ on in that TV show with them guys and that girl cause they been playin’ a marathon of it all day. Then all of a sudden Chase and Sylvia come out of the kitchen with a chocolate cake lit up with some candles and they all start singin’ the ‘Happy Birthday’ song. I’m lookin’ around cause I didn’t know someone else had a birthday the same time as me.. Then I realize, that’s it’s actually me they’re singin’ to.. I instantly feel my face get hot and my eyes widen. My mouth drops open and I got this deer caught in headlights look on my face. I’m sweatin’ again, all nervous cause everybody's lookin' at me and I’m not sure what I should be doin’ while this is goin’ on.

Chase got the biggest smile on I ever seen and she’s settin’ the cake down on the table, “Surprise! Make a wish, baby!”

I ain’t thinkin’ I have to no more though cause it’s feelin’ like my wish is comin’ true. Slowly but surely. But it don’t hurt to throw another one out there so I’m wishin’ I could live the rest of my life havin’ days like this. With her. Growin’ older together and havin’ the best times doin’ it. Doin’ whatever we want and just lovin’ each other. I blow out the candles and they all start clappin’ and I never had nobody get me a cake or sing for me on my birthday like that before. I’m feelin’ overwhelmed so I get up and give them each a big hug and this time it ain’t awkward. I ain’t gotta think ‘bout what to do or if I’m doin’ it right cause it just is. I never in a million years woulda expected nothin’ like that and I ain’t used to people bein’ so nice to me. Doin’ things for me like that. I’m lookin’ at the cake and it even says ‘Happy Birthday Daryl!’ on it in red icing and I don't deserve all this but it's one of the nicest things anybody ever did for me and I ain't never gonna forget it.


	16. New York Is For Lovers (Part 3)

September 28th, 1976 was 40 fuckin’ years ago. Four long drawn out unnecessary decades passed me by and I ain’t ever spent all that much time really thinkin’ ‘bout it. Never really measured my life in years like that cause every day was just another damn day and a birthday didn’t all of a sudden reset the clock on another shitty year. It just came and went and ain’t really matter too much. But I don’t need to get into all that cause I went over this a buncha times, and it don’t matter and I can’t get any of it back. Can’t really do nothin’ differently cause it’s the past and it’s already buried six feet deep. Don’t mean I don’t catch myself thinkin’ ‘bout it. I don’t remember when I was born. I mean, I know when I was born but I ain’t got no clue what it was like when I was a baby. If my father gave a shit then. If he liked me at all. I dunno. They coulda just left me cryin’ and starvin’ most of them days and I woulda never known cause I don’t remember shit. Merle ain’t one to talk ‘bout them days neither so we never did. Most of what was really goin’ on I never knew ‘bout. Just the surface shit. Them nightmares I used to try and convince myself I was goin’ through. I was just havin’ a nightmare and one day I would wake up from it and it would all be over. And maybe somethin’ happened to make my mom do what she did. Or make my father do all them things he did. I mean one somethin’ leadin’ to a series of somethin’s that ended up destroyin’ everybody’s lives. Cause that’s what it did, it wasn’t just me. I ain’t never been the only one. Ugh. I’m gonna stop thinkin’ ‘bout it cause it ain’t worth it. 40 years ago is a long time since takin’ my first breath and I hate to think I wasted so many years not givin’ a fuck ‘bout myself and I’ll be damned to live out the rest of my days like that. But bein’ here.. Right here.. Where I am now.. in every fuckin’ sense of that.. got me thinkin’.. thinkin’ ‘bout so much.

 

She’s sleepin’ and I ain’t been able to but it’s ok. Smilin’ a few times and tossin’ some but never wakin’ up. Even when I put my arm around her just to hold her cause I needed to. Just like when I was a baby, she ain’t never gonna know cause she won’t remember. Too busy dreamin’ somethin’ beautiful. At least I hope. Maybe she’s dreamin’ ‘bout bein’ able to say all them things she ain’t prepared to say to me yet. But maybe she can’t say them things cause deep down inside, I ain’t prepared to hear it. Like that ‘Happy Birthday’ song. Cause I’m still tellin’ myself it was all meant for somebody else. I’m so used to thinkin’ I ain’t deservin’ nothin’ like that, it still ain’t registered yet and it’s makin’ me feel some kinda way and I don’t even know what that means. I never really hung out with nobody’s family like that before. Had real home cookin’ and felt like a wanted guest instead of some burden. And you know what? I kinda liked it. I liked seein’ what it’s like in a different culture in a different place. I liked bein’ treated like a real person too. Somebody with feelin’s who could possibly have somethin’ to contribute. Somebody's somebody. Cause Lord knows.. I got more of them feelin’s lately than I can fuckin’ handle.

 

That girl, she’s breathin’ and I’m watchin’ her little chest rise and fall. She got one inked up arm over her head and the other one across that petite little body and I’m fallin’ in love all over again for the tenth time. I can’t fuckin’ stop it. I fell so fuckin’ hard that I got no concept of time no more and I can’t even remember my head hittin’ the ground. All I know ‘bout anythin’ anymore is that I ain’t sure I could go back to livin’ without her. I ain’t sure I could go back to just existin’ for 40 more fuckin’ years. Not now. She got them little painted claws dug under my skin and there ain’t nothin’ I can do ‘bout how I feel for her. All them things she got me feelin’ whether she meant to or not I just can’t stop feelin’ ‘em even if I tried. Even if I wanted to try but I don’t. I ain’t never experienced no kinda love at all, at least none that I can remember. It is what it is and I ain’t gonna cry ‘bout it but it don’t mean I ain’t capable of feelin’ it now. It don’t mean I don’t want to feel it now. Somethin’ happened when that girl came crashin’ into me that got me not givin’ a shit ‘bout anythin’ but her. Only that same somethin’ got me givin’ way too much of a shit all the same cause I wanna give her everythin’ cause she deserves it. When I’m at work, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout her. I’m sleepin’ and I’m dreamin’ her up. I fuckin’ love her so much and I ain’t even prepared to explain what that means but I do and I know it and it’s the purest emotion I ever felt. It’s real and it’s taken over and I don’t even fuckin’ care no more cause I wanna live for her every day. I do. And I’m ok with that. It don’t mean I ain’t livin’ for myself neither cause all that goes hand in hand with lovin’ her. I’m a better man cause I love her. It don’t make me weak and it don’t make me some pussy whipped bitch like Merle said. I accept it and I’m ownin’ it. Lovin’ her like I do might make me do some stupid shit, I admit it. Mighta already.

 

“Fuck, Chas.. it’s so much..” I ain’t even realizin’ I’m thinkin’ out loud, mumblin’ and I don’t even care if she hears me. I mean.. I kinda want her to, “I love you so much.. It’s so fuckin’ much.. kinda wishin’ you could take some from me, balance it out a little..”

 

I gotta cut this shit out now but I don’t know how so I get up off the bed, slow so I don’t wake her up and leave the room. I’m in my boxer briefs just aimlessly pacin’ ‘round the livin’ room wonderin’ what the actual fuck I’m doin’. I sigh and put my hands over my face, shakin’ my head, tryin’ to chill out for a minute. Why am I actin’ crazy? Why can’t I shut it off? Why do my insides feel all weird? This apartment is real quiet compared to the noise and lights across the river. It’s 4:25 in the mornin’ and I’m lookin’ out the window from the 15th floor in a huge apartment building in New York City goin’ out my mind, tryin’ to turn off all them racin’ thoughts but I can’t. And I need to sleep but I can’t cause I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout everythin’ and her but mostly her and how I’m not even in control of my own life no more. Only this time, I’m actually happy. I mean.. really happy. And it’s damn scary cause I never not been in control. And I never could remember genuinely bein’ any type of happy. All them times hangin’ with Merle and doin’ all them drugs and drinkin’ and shit, I was never not in control. I never gave up and let shit take over. Nah. I coulda always stopped and eventually I did but that was my choice. It’s always been my damn choice since bein’ able to make ‘em. ‘Cept now. With that girl. But she got me so fuckin’ happy that I ain’t got a clue how to go ‘bout it. And I guess I’m freakin’ out cause a part of me just ain’t used to it. But like I said, I accept it. I found somethin’ beautiful to hold on to. And it’s ok if it took me 40 years cause I got so much livin’ left to do and I’m gonna do just that. Fuckin’ live.

 

I grab a bottle of water out the fancy ass fridge of this fancy ass place this guy is rentin’ out to us and sit on the couch, turnin’ the TV on low, chuggin’ it. I’m watchin’ the local news channel and they’re talkin’ but I ain’t listenin’. Just mouths movin’ on a TV screen and I’m changin’ the channels and nothin’s on so I turn it off, sittin’ in the dark for a few minutes. She’s in the other room and I hate it. She’s too far away and I can’t stand how it got me feelin’ so I put the water bottle down and go back in the bedroom. It’s like I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself cause she’s infiltrated every fiber of my damn existence with that smile and the way she says my name. I never liked my name ‘til I heard her speak it. And fuck… I can’t make up my mind ‘bout nothin’ except my need for her. I need her so bad and I’m fuckin’ scared outta my mind cause I don’t think she’s needin’ me the same way. I mean.. She’s likin’ me and we’re together but.. I’m talkin’ ‘bout.. Well.. how do I even fuckin’ explain it? And as much as I talk myself into givin’ her all the time she’s askin’ for to figure her feelin’s out, I’m drownin’ in doubts that she might never. Then what? She says she can’t tell me how she’s feelin’ until she’s a million percent sure so why did I have no problem gettin’ there? Why am I the one that can’t sleep goin’ outta my fuckin’ mind cause I’m overflowin’ with all them mother fuckin’ thoughts and feelin’s that I ain’t even prepared to wrap my head around? I’m crazy, fine.. Obsessed with her? I mean.. if... yeah.. I guess.. maybe I am. But I ain’t fuckin’ stupid and I know I wanna be with her cause I love her. I know it. It’s love. It’s so much fuckin’ love and I’d die for her. Without a second thought. 

 

Alright, Daryl… it ain’t that serious.. talkin’ ‘bout dyin’ and shit.. just fuckin’ chill out.. always gotta bring it to where it ain’t needin’ to be brought. Just like Merle.. but only you got different ways ‘bout you. And Merle’s a piece of shit. And you fuckin’ need sleep.

 

So I’m realizin’ I’m just standin’ over her like a fuckin’ creep and she’s so peaceful and I’m fuckin’ it up cause I’m climbin’ back in bed with her and wrappin’ her sleepy little body in my arms and she’s so warm and small and perfect and I’m just.. me.. and.. well.. fuck it, it’s ok.. me and her.

 

“Daryl?” that little voice is half asleep and I’m scoopin’ her up, holdin’ onto her like I’d straight up fall if I didn’t. Selfishly. “Are you ok?” she’s mumblin’.

 

“Mmmhhmm.. Go back to sleep..” I’m whisperin’ and she’s pushin’ herself into me, even closer. Huggin’ my arms around her like she’s wantin’ it to happen and snugglin’ her back against my chest, wrappin’ little legs up with mine. I’m kissin’ the back of her neck and just bein’ with her like this is calmin’ me down. Pullin’ me back from that ledge I was flirtin’ with and makin’ me feel better like I knew she would. I’m lettin’ this whole stupid birthday thing get the best of me cause it ain’t somethin’ I ever really dealt with. Never faced the fact that I was gettin’ older and years were passin’ cause I never gave a fuck ‘bout time. Time just kept goin’ and it ain’t like nothin’ good was happenin’ so life was all ‘bout just breathin’ til you don’t no more. Kinda mad that’s how I used to think ‘til her. She opened my eyes, man.. to so fuckin’ much. There gotta be another word that means more than love.. cause that word… yeah, that’s how I feel ‘bout her.

 

I close my eyes and try and relax and I’m startin’ to feel like it’s workin’, finally. Feelin’ myself driftin’ off this time and I ain’t fightin’ it. 

 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

“You really don’t wanna do anything else today? It’s your fucking birthday, Dixon..” she’s gigglin’, talkin’ to me while my face is buried between them slick little thighs.

 

It’s early in the afternoon and I musta gotten enough sleep cause I’m full of energy and we ain’t been able to stop fuckin’ since we opened up our eyes. I’m suckin’ on her pretty pink parts and lickin’ on her. I ain’t been keepin’ track of how long or how many times but it ain’t like I care to. I’m stoppin’ to catch my breath and breathe her in and I’m just not gettin’ enough cause I get right back to it and she’s archin’ her back, moanin’, grabbin’ in my hair.

 

“Daryl… fucking… Dixon…” she’s cryin’ out as I’m slippin’ two fingers inside of her again and I love when she says my name like that, “You asshole..”

 

“You love it..” I stop lickin’ on her for the two seconds it takes to put her in her place.

 

“Oohh.. I do..” she’s sinkin’ deeper into the bed, pushin’ my face into her wetness and I’m givin’ her exactly what she’s wantin’. More so for me, cause I can’t get enough of that pussy. I’m makin’ her cum again and she’s goin’ crazy under my tongue, grindin’ into my fingers and just lettin’ go. 

 

I’m keepin’ steady at it until she’s good and finished, climbin’ up on her and givin’ her a sloppy kiss so she can taste herself. She’s gigglin’ and grabbin’ me and we’re play fightin’ a little, rollin’ around all over this guy’s bed. I’m grabbin’ her up and makin’ her laugh. She’s so small I can move her limbs about like a fuckin’ doll.

 

“Well, happy fucking birthday to you, maniac!” She’s breakin’ free and pretendin’ to punch little fists into my gut and I’m layin’ down next to her and we’re both laughin’ it off.

 

We lay there in silence for a few minutes just relaxin’ some cause like I said.. We been fuckin’ like rabbits.

 

“Thank you.” I kinda get all serious.

 

“No, no, no.. but thank you!” she’s snugglin’ into me and I’m puttin’ my arm ‘round her.

 

“I mean it.. thank you..”

 

“For what?” big brown eyes lookin’ up at me.

 

“Just.. everythin’. I don’t know.. all of it..” I’m shruggin’ lookin’ up at the ceilin’ then back at her.

 

She’s not sayin’ nothin’ and it’s ok. I’m feelin’ real good and just wanna lay here and be fuckin’ lazy with her for the rest of the day. Order takeout, laugh and fuck ‘round and have more sex and just enjoy bein’ with her. I don’t need nothin’ else. Not now, not ever. 

 

“So…” she’s readin’ my mind again, “You’re serious about just laying our asses in bed all fucking day?”

 

“Mmhhmm..” 

 

“That’s how you want to spend your 40th birthday in New York fucking City, Daryl?”

 

“Mmhhmm..” 

 

She’s gigglin’ under her breath, “I can’t with you..”

 

I’m runnin’ my fingers through her hair, pushin’ it outta her face, “Nah.. you can..”

 

“You think so..” She got that eyebrow up.

 

“I know so..” I give her earlobe a gentle squeeze, crackin’ a smile.

 

She’s sighin’ and runnin’ little fingers over my chest, lookin’ up at me like she’s wantin’ to say somethin’. I can see it in her eyes and she’s movin’ her fingers up to trace on my lips.

 

“I’m losing control..” she’s whisperin’, “I hate not being in control..”

 

“Me too.. but fuck it.. so what..”

 

“It’s this fear I have.. like rollercoasters and shit.. once you’re on, you’re on.. and you can’t get off if you change your mind.. It’s terrifying and you aren’t in control..” she rolls her eyes, “Oh fuck.. woe is me.. ugh.. it’s your birthday.. how rude am I? Slipping into my bullshit again.”

 

“You ain’t lettin’ yourself be happy.” I’m lookin’ at her kinda waitin’ for her to tell me I’m wrong, cause I know I ain’t, “Too busy worryin’ ‘bout shit instead of lettin’ go and havin’ fun.”

 

“I’m definitely having fun.”

 

“Still got them walls up.. when you take ‘em down, you’ll see what I mean..” I pause, “I saw a side of you I ain’t never seen before.. at your mom’s place..”

 

“Oh, yeah? And what side was that?”

 

“A side I really wanna get to know better.. cause that girl was lettin’ herself really be happy. And be loved and lettin’ herself love back. You ain’t have to say none of that, but I felt it.”

 

She sighs real big, and them big beautiful eyes get all glassy, “Damn..” she whispers. 

 

She don’t say nothin’ else and it’s ok. She ain’t really gotta. I’m just glad I told her how I felt seein’ her with her family and how I wanna be like that with her more. She’s so much sweeter and more awesome than she gives herself credit for. She got this idea that she ain’t worth lovin’ and bein’ loved. Trust me… I fuckin’ get it. I always felt the same way but since I met her, I been workin’ to change that way of thinkin’. Cause I’m realizin’ thats what’s been missin’ in my life. Someone to care ‘bout who actually gives a fuck ‘bout me too. And I hate to admit it, but I’m also realizin’ how much love I been missin’ out on. 40 fuckin’ years worth and I think I’m ready for it. Nah.. I know.

So we end up doin' exactly what I been wantin' to do with her since we got here. We lay around all fuckin' day. No cares in the world. No concept of time. Just me and her.


	17. It Hurts To Hold On

“‘Member that time you went to New York?” Mike is cacklin’, pushin’ on me and I’m just shakin’ my head cause I’mma always remember that time.. Best times of my life.

“You gonna ask me that every half hour?”

Mike laughs, “I’mma ask ya ‘til I get sick and tired of hearin’ you talk ‘bout it!”

I grin, pullin’ out my pack of cigarettes, “I need a smoke.. you comin'?”

“Fuckin’ A, man!”

TJ ain’t in the shop today and me and ‘ol Mike couldn’t be happier cause fuck him. Yeah, he signs the paychecks and whatever but he’s a real son of a bitch and a day without his ass is a good fuckin’ day. Plus, I’m still on a high since comin’ back from New York. Definitely makin’ this work week a little smoother. We came back on Sunday and it’s only Tuesday but it don’t matter cause things are goin’ pretty damn good and I ain’t used to smilin’ this much. I like the way things been seemin’ to fall into place. Been even thinkin’, if things keep goin’ so good with Chase, maybe we could move up to New York so we could be closer to her family. I mean.. not the city, city.. cause fuck no.. but close. I could get a regular mechanic job anywhere at first, then really try to do better. Get a better one. Even if I gotta get two. I ain't say nothin' to her 'bout all that yet.. but I will.

I light my smoke and hand the shit over to Mike so he can get his goin’. That first pull, man.. feels so good, “I heard you hung out with Penny.. like.. hung out..”

“I think she wants me, D! Boy.. I tell ya..” Mike’s burnin’ the back of his throat and he starts coughin’ like he’s hittin’ a joint for the first time.

I scoff, takin’ another pull, “Maybe she does.. think you got a shot?”

“You knowin’ somethin’ I ain’t knowin’?” Mike’s eyes get all big and he’s glarin’ at me lookin’ like a skeleton with eyeballs.

“How would I know anythin’?”

“Man, you practically married to her best friend! You gotta know somethin’..” Mike’s chokin’ again, “Chase be tellin’ ya shit, I know she does..”

I crack a smile hearin’ him say that ‘bout me and Chase. It’s nice to know that other people really see how close we're gettin' and how much we care ‘bout each other, “All I know is that you and Penny kinda hung out and she thinks you’re real nice. That’s it.”

“You fuckin’ with me, D?”

“Nah.. I don’t care enough to fuck with ya..” I blow smoke up into the air.

Mike grins, “Yeah, yeah.. you comin’ to Shawn’s redneck cookout tonight? She gonna be there!”

“I dunno.. Chase is workin’ late.. might go see her..” I suck my teeth, “and you know I can’t stand that fuckin’ guy.. ”

“I wish I didn’t know that cause I like both of ya!”

“He ain’t shit, Mike.. got a goddamn fuckin’ stick up his ass.”

“I know...I oughta listen to ya, D, I know.. But I ain’t got too many real friends.. and that toothless mother fucker always down to shoot the shit.. and you got yourself a lady now, and I’m real happy for ya.. but you ain’t in the business a hangin’ out like you used to be..”

“You ain’t gotta explain yourself to me..” I’m shruggin’.

“Well, just know I like ya better, D. I’ll ditch that fuckin’ asshole.”

“You ain’t gotta.. but good to know..” I nod, takin’ a pull.

Mike puts out his cigarette real quick and tosses it, lookin’ at me like he saw a ghost, “Man, I gotta take a shit.”

“Good to know..” I shake my head sarcastically, tossin’ my smoke.

“Woo! It's pokin' out!” Mike starts runnin’ back to the shop and I'm laughin'. That guy ain’t like nobody else, I swear.

I pull out my phone and light another smoke. It’s ‘bout lunch time and I’m wonderin’ what she’s up to cause I’m always thinkin’ ‘bout her. Since we got back from New York a few days ago, she’s been actin’ a little funny. But I know she has them times when she needs to be alone. And she got her period right when we got back so she’s been wantin’ to sleep in her own bed cause she gets like that when she’s bleedin’. I get it. I just wanna make sure she’s ok. Not to mention, I fuckin’ miss her. Didn’t really get to see her yesterday and I’m goin’ through withdrawals. Fuck it, I’mma text her:

 

‘Hey Beautiful’

 

She texts back:

 

‘Hey.’

 

And I’m waitin’ for more texts cause that’s what she usually does. But.. nothin’. So I text back:

 

‘Havin a smoke, missin you’

 

Quick little painted fingers this time:

 

‘Sounds like fun, Daryl’

 

I’m used to like.. At least 25 exclamation points and emoji’s and shit but none of that today..

 

‘You ok?’  
‘How you feelin?’

 

I’m askin’ cause somethin’ ain’t seemin’ right. And she’s quick to answer:

 

‘Yup.’  
‘Ok.’

 

But that’s it. My heart is beatin’ a little faster cause I don’t know why she’s bein’ all weird and them one word, cold answers ain’t sittin’ well with me.

 

‘Wanna get some lunch? You hungry?’  
‘I could run get you somethin from the store if you aint feelin good’

 

‘No.. no.. and no.’  
‘I’m fine.’

 

I should leave it alone and go ‘bout my business, but I can’t when it comes to that girl, so I call her and all it’s doin’ is ringin’ and I don’t know why she ain’t pickin’ up cause she was just textin’ me. Seconds ago. It goes into her voicemail and I leave a message, “Hey, Babe.. I’m worried ‘bout you.. Just hope you’re ok.. I’ll check on ya in a little bit.. Love you.”

What the fuck? I’m lookin’ at my phone, takin’ the last pull of my cigarette. My stomach’s in knots and I don’t really know what to think. Everythin’s been fuckin’ amazin’ between us and I don’t know why it feels like we been steppin’ backwards since we got back from New York. Should I just ride over to her place? Or should I just give her space and let her deal with what she’s dealin’ with? We just spent a full on week together. But like every wakin’ minute. Maybe she really just needs to unwind and I’m bein’ too needy. I’m most likely readin’ way too much into it. I know her.. and if she wanted me to do somethin’ or not do somethin’ she’d tell me.. Right?

I take a deep breath and swallow hard. I’m gonna go back to work to get my mind off it. And it’s probably nothin’.. Just me bein’ fuckin’ paranoid like usual. I shake it off and head back inside, fuckin’ around with my tools and starin’ off into space and I can’t seem to connect with what I’m doin’ at all. Did I say somethin’ wrong yesterday? Fuck. I didn’t see her this mornin’ neither cause she stayed at her apartment last night. Which is fine.. or is it? Did I fuckin’ miss somethin’? I’m still new at this and I ain’t too good at pickin’ up on some things maybe I oughta be pickin’ up on. Girls are tricky and even though Chase is different, she can still be hard to read. Did I do or say somethin’ at her mother’s place back in New York that maybe her mom called her ‘bout and now she’s mad at me? But I thought it went well.. I thought they all liked me.. I know I definitely liked them..

“Damn that was a log and a half!” Mike’s simple ass comes out the bathroom hollerin’, breakin’ me out my daydream, “You ever look at your shit and go, ‘How in the fuck that come out my asshole?’”

“Hey..” I’m bitin’ on my bottom lip, lookin’ at Mike all serious while I’m pacin’ some, “Umm.. can I show you somethin’?”

“Yeah, man..you good, D?” Mike could tell I ain’t. I pull up her text thread and hand him my phone.

“What you gettin’ from all that? She mad at me?” I’m watchin’ Mike read our conversation and it’s seemin’ like he’s takin’ forever with it.

“Hhhmmm.. I dunno.. hard to tell…” Mike’s lookin’ at me all concerned, handin’ my phone back, “You guys fightin’ or somethin’?”

“No..” I say almost like I ain't even too sure myself and I ain’t feelin’ so good.. I grab some water and chug a little, lookin’ down and shakin’ my head, “I’m gonna try an’ call her again..” I start callin’ as I’m headin’ toward the back door and it’s ringin’.. damn.. ringin’ and ringin’ straight to her voicemail. I let out a frustrated grunt and go to text her cause I ain’t ‘bout playin’ games:

 

‘You ignorin me or somethin?’

 

I feel stupid as soon as I hit send. Lettin’ my insecurities and fuckin’ emotions get the best of me again. And I’m just starin’ at my phone like a goddamn loser waitin’ for a response that don’t seem to be comin’.. then it does.. like a fuckin’ ton of bricks:

 

‘We need to talk.’

 

‘Yeah.. well I been tryin’ to call you.. you gonna pick up this time?’

 

I go to hit ‘call’ but she texts back:

 

‘No. In person. Can you meet me at your place?’

 

‘Whats goin on. Can you just tell me?’

 

‘We should sit down and talk.. meet me?’

 

‘Right now?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘Ok… be right there.’

 

I don’t like this. Not one fuckin’ bit. I storm into the shop and Mike’s just lookin’ at me like he’s ‘bout to say somethin’ but I beat him to it, “Mike, I gotta go. I’m sorry.. Somethin’ came up..”

“Is everythin’... ok?” he’s got a face on like he already knows it ain’t.

“I… I just gotta go..” I ain’t thinkin’ straight, unzippin’ my coveralls and runnin’ to change real quick. I grab my jacket and my helmet and I get the fuck outta there, racin’ to my place. I ain’t even thinkin’ ‘bout TJ findin’ out I left and I ain't even prepared to be comin' back if she needs me to stay. I ain’t even carin’ cause nothin’ matters to me ‘cept that girl. My heads just a big fuzzy mess and I’m so confused and ain’t too sure what the fuck to expect and I’m tryin’ so hard not to think the worst, but ‘worst’ is my default settin’. I know she got them things ‘bout her and I accept it all and I love her regardless. Whatever it is that she needs to talk to me ‘bout, whatever it is that she’s goin’ through and she needs, I’mma be there. Just like I said I would.

The ride to my apartment seems like it’s takin’ forever and when I finally pull up, I see my truck already parked and her little self sittin’ in it. I pull right up next to her and she’s just lookin’ at me, openin’ the door and climbin’ out as I’m takin’ off my helmet. She’s walkin’ up to me and fixin’ my hair, like she usually does, but she ain’t laughin’ or smilin’ this time. She ain’t happy.

“Hey.. what’s goin’ on?” I climb off my bike and press her cause I’m so lost. My heart’s poundin’ and I got a headache cause I’m anxious and ain’t sure I really even wanna know.

“Let’s go inside..” She ain’t her bubbly self. She ain’t even got makeup on and she looks like she mighta been cryin’. Got on black yoga pants and a big gray tee shirt. She looks fuckin’ gorgeous.

I touch on her little shoulders and I can feel her get all tense. Like she ain’t wantin’ me touchin’ her or somethin' and it’s kinda hurtin’ my feelin’s. I don’t know what’s goin’ on and I hate it. We’re awkwardly walkin’ up the stairs and I’m lookin’ at her and she ain’t lookin’ at me. The few seconds it takes to get to my apartment feel like hours and when we finally get there, I open the door, lettin’ her in first, closin’ it quick behind us. I’m standin’ there facin’ her and she’s turnin’ away.

“Wanna sit down?” her voice is real low and shaky. Fragile.

“I wanna know what’s goin’ on, Chas..”

“Please sit.” she takes a seat on the couch.

I pace a little, not really knowin’ what to do with myself. I don’t like the way she’s actin’. I don’t like the way she ain’t even lookin’ at me. And why do I gotta sit? Why can’t she just say what she gotta say? Fuckin’ goddammit. I give in and sit down next to her, playin’ with my hands.

She takes a deep breath and clears her throat, not even botherin’ to push her hair outta her face and we’re sittin’ in the loudest silence and it’s hurtin’ my head. I’m nervous. I’m scared and just wantin’ to tell her all them things I’m feelin’ again. Spill it all out to her again. Drill it in her fuckin’ brain so she gets it. Wishin' she would just fuckin' tell me she feels the same.

“Daryl..” she’s pausin’, strugglin’ with her words, “I don’t know how to say this.. There’s no easy way to-”

“Just say it.” I’m snappin’, shakin’ my head, not lookin’ at her.

She’s goin’ through somethin’ and I can feel it. Been kinda feelin’ it since we got back. So much energy radiatin’ off that little body and it’s not good. Not good at all. She goes to say somethin’ but I don’t think I’m ready to hear it. I don’t fuckin’ wanna. So I cut her off..

“I love you” I’m lookin’ at her and my heart is poundin’. My stomach hurts and my skin is burnin’ up. I feel like I’m gonna be sick cause I’m not gettin’ a feelin’ like this is gonna go the way I want it to. And I’m doin’ it to myself.. I been doin’ it to myself this whole time even thinkin’ I could have somethin’ good like this happen to me.

“Goddammit, Daryl..” She’s sayin’ under her breath, buryin’ her head in her hands.

“Nah.. fuck that..” I’m not exactly yellin’.. I’m just frustrated. She got this invisible fuckin’ forcefield up around her, protectin’ her from the one thing in the world she don’t need protectin’ from. Why can’t she see that? It’s been so great between us, I just don’t understand why she’s still hesitatin’, “I ain’t stupid.. I ain’t gonna let you do this.. cause you don’t wanna do this.. you fuckin’ don’t..”

She’s lookin’ up at the ceilin’, then glancin’ over at me for a second before lookin’ away again, “It’s not you… it’s me...”

“No..” I’m shakin’ my head, laughin’ a little cause I don’t know what else to do at this point, and she really just fuckin' said that to me, “You ain’t fuckin’ serious with this shit..” I don’t wanna hear what I’m hearin’ cause she ain’t right… it’s bullshit and she fuckin’ knows it, “This.. this… no.. fuckin’.. Just.. no..” I’m tryin’ to form a solid sentence and it ain’t workin’. Got my brain and my heart goin’ faster than my mouth and ain’t nothin’ workin’ right.. all just breakin’ apart..

“This isn’t gonna work, Daryl.. all it’s gonna do is blow up in our faces.. I gave it a shot.. I really did.. I’m just..” she sighs, “you fucking deserve better.. I can’t give you what you want.. I’m sorry... I just can’t be what you need me to be..”

“The hell you talkin’ ‘bout?” I turn to face her, the look on my face and the hurt I’m feelin’ is out of my control and I don’t even know what else to say. “This ain’t makin’ sense to me.. I can’t even wrap my mind ‘round what you sayin' to me right now..”

“This isn’t exactly easy for me, Daryl..”

“The hell it ain’t..”

“I think we should see other people.. break it off now while we still have our sanity..”

“Other fuckin’ people?! I ain’t tryin’ to fuckin’ see no other people!” I’m kinda yellin’ but I can’t help it, throwin’ my hands up cause I’m at a fuckin’ loss. I just don’t fuckin’ get it, “This shit keeps gettin’ better and better!”

“I don’t wanna fight.. please..” she’s soundin’ like she’s gonna cry, holdin’ onto herself. I’m just sittin’ there shakin’ my head, tappin’ my foot cause I’m wantin’ to punch somethin’. And I’m feelin’ like I felt that night with Merle all over again. I’m feelin’ like I’m havin’ a harder time breathin’ and thinkin’ straight.

“You breakin’ up with me?” I’m turnin’ to look at her, blinkin’ back tears that I don’t fuckin’ wanna let go, “So that’s it?”

She’s takin’ a big deep breath and lowerin’ her head, avoidin’ eye contact and fidgetin’. I’m still tryin’ to make fuckin’ sense of all this and I can’t. We’re both sittin’ there not talkin’ and I swear I could hear her fuckin’ heart beatin’ out her chest just like mine. And we’re breathin’ like we’re losin’ oxygen by the second and my skin is just hot.. and I’m so uncomfortable in it... I feel like I could drop dead right now cause my blood is boilin’ over and there’s way too fuckin’ much goin’ on inside my body and my damn head hurts.. and my guts and my chest.. just everythin’... it’s just hurtin’ so bad.

“We talked about this.. Daryl.. We did..” she’s pausin’, “I told you I wasn’t a safe bet, yet you insisted on betting everything you had anyway.. I fucking told you..” her voice is crackin’ and I can tell she’s fightin’ with herself not to cry, “I was absolutely open with you.. about everything..”

“Were ya, though?” I’m shruggin’, shakin’ my head, “cause you’re fuckin’ fulla shit right now..”

“Daryl, don’t do this..”

“Me, do this?! I don’t fuckin’ want this!” I pause, buryin’ my head in my hands for a minute, before lookin’ at her again... and it’s killin’ me to look at her..

She lifts her head up real quick, raisin’ her voice, “I just wanna go back to the way it was when we were just fucking and there were no strings attached and you were just some fucking guy I just met and… I wasn’t..” she starts cryin’, forcin’ out her words, “completely fucking losing control of everything!”

“I can’t go back to that, Chastity..”

“Well, I can’t deal with my own fucking feelings! I can't, ok! I can’t be responsible for someone else’s happiness.. I just can’t.. I don't want that!” she’s got tears streamin’ down her face and she’s shakin’ her head, holdin’ inked up arms around herself and I just wanna hold her, “It's too fucking much! I can’t be what you need, Daryl.. I can’t give you what you’re asking for.. I’m such a fuck up.. I can’t fucking even deal with this! I just fucking can’t! I don’t wanna do this right now!” she’s hollerin’, sobbin’.

“Then why you fuckin’ doin’ it?!” I’m yellin’ and I’m so fuckin’ confused, I’m grabbin’ the back of my neck and tryin’ not to get all emotional but I ain’t sure it’s gonna work too well cause my chest is cavin’ in and I think my heart is actually physically breakin’ apart. And it hurts so bad. I try to take a deep breath but that’s not workin’ neither, just makin’ it hurt even more like a buncha needles stabbin’ me and it feels like it’s spreadin’ all over, “You’re sayin’ all them things ‘bout you not givin’ me what I need and shit, but what you ain’t gettin’... what I been fuckin’ tryin’ to tell you since the beginnin’... is that you are what I need. You. All of you! Even them parts you think are so fucked up.. cause to me they ain’t! I love you just the way you are and you been doin’ nothin’ but makin’ me happy without even tryin'.. and I know I make you happy too.. I fuckin’ know it… you just ain’t lettin’ yourself accept it.. that's what that is.. them fuckin’ walls! Goddamit, girl! We’re so fuckin’ good together! Why you doin’ this to us?” my voice is crackin’ and I’m feelin’ like my damn knees are gonna buckle.

“Daryl...”

“Let me love you.. please? You ain't alone in this world.. we fit together.. gimme the chance to show you that.. I don’t want this to end.. This ain’t endin’ like this.. No fuckin’ way, Chas.. come on.. let’s talk it out and.. and.. just… I dunno.. we can make it better.. maybe.. maybe if we run away.. just like you said.. together.. to... fuckin’ anywhere.. whatever it takes..” I’m lookin’ at her, pleadin’ with her, chewin’ my damn lip off, feelin’ like I’m shakin’ and I just wanna be anywhere but here right now. Doin’ any fuckin’ thing but havin’ this conversation. I just wanna go back to New York and lay in bed with her and hold her again. Hell, I’ll live them shitty years over and over if it meant we didn’t have to end up here doin’ this. I don’t think I can handle this..

“No.. this isn’t gonna work, Daryl.. I’m so sorry..” she can’t even look at me and she’s just sittin’ there playin’ with them little painted fingers, cryin’ and shakin’ her head. She doesn’t fuckin’ want this.. she doesn’t fuckin’ want this.. “I think it’s best to just go our separate ways.. just... get it over with..”

“Please don’t do this, Chastity..”

“Daryl..”

“Please don’t do this, baby..” I’m beggin’ and I can’t control them tears and I don’t even care, gettin’ on my knees in front of her and grabbin’ them little hands in mine, “Don’t run away from me.. I can’t lose you.. you’re the only good thing I ever had in my life.. It wasn’t on accident, you said it yourself..” My voice is crackin’ and I’m chokin’ up, “I’ll do anythin’.. please.. just tell me what to do.. just tell me.. It don’t gotta end this way.. I know you don’t want this neither.. I know you don’t really want this..”

“Daryl, get up.. please..” she’s lookin’ away from me, cryin’ and I could tell she’s strugglin’ cause she ain’t meanin’ what she’s sayin’. She ain’t.

“You’re afraid and I get it.. I am too.. but we’re in this together.. it don’t just fall on you, it don’t..”

“This was never supposed to happen… this doesn’t fuckin’ happen to me..” she’s shakin’ her head, closin’ her soggy eyes and she’s repeatin’ herself like she’s thinkin’ out loud.

I bury my head in her lap and she takes a deep breath and I can feel her tensin’ up. She ain’t holdin’ my hands and I can feel her chest risin’ and fallin’. She’s tremblin’ and I’m shakin’ just the same. I don’t know what the fuck to do no more and I don't fuckin' wanna let her go.

“I fucking told you..” she’s whisperin’, snifflin’, “I just… I have to go.. don't make this harder than it already is..” She’s tryin’ to wiggle away from me and I’m holdin’ on cause I ain’t at all prepared to let go. I can’t even if I wanted to. Even if I tried. This is the worst fuckin’ moment of my life.

“You can’t go.. you don’t fuckin’ wanna go, Chas.. I know you.. this ain’t you.. It fuckin’ ain’t..”

“Let me go..”

“I can’t…I love you so much.. I can’t..”

“Stop, Daryl.. please..stop...”

“Tell me you don’t love me..” I’m lookin’ up at her, fallin’ apart. My eyes all full up with tears and I gave up tryin’ to stop ‘em. I hate this so fuckin’ much. I hate this, “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me, Chastity..”

She’s shakin’ a little, takin’ another deep breath and I’m hangin’ on for dear life cause I know she feels somethin’. I know it cause I feel it. I feel it when she’s lookin’ at me. I feel it when we're makin' love. Felt it like crazy at her mother’s house. When she’s smilin’ at me and I’m holdin’ her. I’m fuckin’ feelin’ it right now.

“Go on.. If you don’t give a fuck ‘bout me.. If I mean nothin’ to you.. then look me in the goddamn eye and tell me you don’t love me.” I’m holdin’ on but the rope’s burnin’ my hands up.. and she’s grabbin’ it thinkin’ she’s savin’ me, tyin’ it ‘round my neck and pullin’.. fakin’ savin’ herself..

That girl.. my only love.. the only thing ever worth a damn to me.. the one who showed me the beauty in all this fuckin’ ugly.. she’s turnin’ her head and she’s lookin’ right at me, tears streamin’ down her face, “I don’t love you, Daryl Dixon.”

I feel all the blood in my body.. just.. leave. Gone. My face drops and I can’t do or say nothin’. I can’t even move. Can't fuckin' breathe. How can she- I can’t look at her no more and she’s pullin’ her hands away from me.. and I’m lettin’ her. Takin’ in her scent one last time as she's runnin' little fingers through my hair, fightin' with herself like she doesn't wanna go.. fuckin' don't go..

She's standin' up, takin' short broken breaths and tossin’ the keys to my truck on the couch before runnin’ out and she don't even look back. Just.. runs off.. and just like that, I'm alone again. I'm nothin' again. I ain’t wishin’ this feelin’ on my worst enemy. I can’t move and I can’t breathe. I’m so hurt that I can’t even feel. I’m numb...in shock. I immediately grab my phone and go to call her.. I don’t even know why.. I don’t even know what I’m doin’. It’s just ringin’.. ringin’ ‘til it goes to voicemail. I’m fuckin’ pathetic. I’m that little fuckin’ boy all over again. I let that girl bring me back from the dead just to fuckin’ take my life all over again. Makin’ sure I’m really fuckin’ gone this time. Makin’ sure I ain’t never comin’ back from it.


	18. Medicating

“Dixon! Wake the fuck up!”

 

“I’m up.. I’m up..” I mumble, openin’ my eyes, instinctively grabbin’ for my wrench but I miss and it falls off my toolbox, makin’ the loudest fuckin’ noise when it hits the floor. I’m tryin’ to get myself together and TJ’s just standin’ over me with them T-rex arms crossed and I can hear him breathin’ and it’s too fuckin’ loud. 

 

He’s shakin’ his head, lookin’ down at me, “Christ, ya look like shit..”

 

“I..I’m just… really..” I don’t fuckin’ know what to say, “I’m really not feelin’ too good.. I just.. Been..” 

 

I go to stand up, knockin’ my coffee over and spillin’ it all over myself. It’s gone cold, but even if it was scorchin’ hot, I’m so numb I doubt I’d feel it, “Fuck..” I wanna punch somethin’. But I ain’t got the energy for all that. I feel fuckin’ stupid, but I ain’t got the energy to actually give a fuck.

 

“Jesus, Dixon..” He puts his hand over his face, breathin’ real deep like he’s embarrassed, “Go home.”

 

I just look at him. I know I look like hell. I forced myself out of bed this mornin’ and threw on a baseball cap instead of tryin’. Same as yesterday. My eyes are all puffy, my head’s all fucked and I ain’t been able to not feel like I’m gonna hurl. I popped some pills to sleep. I know I shouldn’ta. Shouldn’ta washed ‘em down with whiskey neither.. but I just.. just needed to fuckin’ sleep. Problem with that is I ain’t been able to fully wake up. I feel even worse. 

 

“Take the day. Get yourself together.. I need your ass back here tomorrow.. fuckin’ workin’.. got it?”

 

I’m bitin’ on my lip just noddin’ cause talkin’ hurts lately. I said all I needed to ever say. Reached my damn word quota. That’s it. Fuckin’ done.

 

“I don’t know what’s goin’ on with ya, Dixon.. but I need ya to figure it out. Don’t make me have to fire ya..” TJ shakes his head and just walks off. And I fuckin’ wanna knock that guy out so bad. But right now.. I just wanna go home and sleep. Knock myself out so I ain’t gotta feel no more.

 

Mike’s real quiet. Just lookin’ at me. He’s comin’ over with a rag tryin’ to help me clean up the coffee and I’m just shakin’ my head at him and he ain’t stoppin’ so I push him away.

 

“Damn, D.. you need anythin’?”

 

“Cut it out.” I bark.

 

He’s touchin’ on my shoulder and I don’t wanna be fuckin’ touched right now but it ain’t his fault. It ain’t nobody’s fault. It just is. 

 

“Man.. I get it, D.. I know ya, man.. I get it..” he’s sighin’, not seemin’ to really know what to say, “I’m here for ya if ya need me… ok?”

 

I ain’t even in the right state of mind to process what anybody’s sayin’ fast enough to respond. And I feel so fuckin’ stupid. I hate that Mike knows what’s goin’ on. I hate that fuckin’ Penny had to go and say shit. Bad enough I gotta deal with it.. now the whole fuckin’ world gotta know ‘bout it too. I’m sure Merle’s probably out there havin’ a goddamn field day. Wherever the fuck he is. I’m sure he heard from somebody who fuckin’ told somebody else who told him. Cause that’s how this piece of shit town works. Whatever. I just need to go. I need to get back home cause I don’t wanna be awake. I just wanna sleep until I forget her. But I don’t wanna forget her. I just need to try. At least for now. Problem with all that is she hijacks my dreams. Closin’ my eyes ain’t necessarily helpin’. But it’s the lesser of two evils. Since dyin’ ain’t an option I seriously considered yet, sleepin’ is the closest thing. 

 

“I’mma go..” that’s all I got. Mike gets it. He pats me on the back and gives me my space. I change out my coveralls, punch out, grab my keys and go. I took my truck today cause ridin’ didn’t seem like a good idea. And that was a good call cause I’d a probably killed myself with the way I’m goin’. I climb in the drivers seat and strands of long dark hair taunt me. She left her scent behind and I’m hopin’ it never fades away. This was pretty much her truck most of the time.. and I'd still let her drive it right now if she needed it. She can have anythin’.. Any damn thing she wants.

 

I go to put the key in the ignition and notice the keychain hangin’ from it. That little license plate with my name on it from New York. My stupid fuckin’ name. I guess I ain’t notice it when I left this mornin’, but then again, I don’t even remember even gettin’ here.. I rip the damn thing off the silver ring and toss it out the window before stickin’ the key in and startin’ the truck up. I light a cigarette and drive off. Slow cause I ain’t thinkin’ straight. I should stop to get somethin’ to eat but I ain’t hungry. I should really eat… but hunger ain't comin’.. 

 

This is so dumb. I’m so fuckin’ pathetic. Depressed over a fuckin’ girl. Cryin’ cause she left me, like I ain’t already kinda expected it. Like I didn’t already deep down know I ain’t worth her time. Just holdin’ on to somethin’ that was never even there. But.. fuck.. It was though. It was real and it was. She was. The way I felt when I was with her. It was fuckin’ real. The way I still feel. As much as I been tryin’, I ain’t makin’ sense of why she left. I’m fuckin’ afraid too but I ain’t runnin’ away cause of it. But we all got shit to go through. Dealin’ with shit in different ways. My way is self medicatin’ and mopin’ around like a little bitch. I’m typically pretty tough but this shit is killin’ me. Guys ain’t s’posed to do that shit. Not guys like me. I ain’t s’posed to be losin’ sleep and drinkin’ myself into a coma. Or poppin’ pills to numb the pain I’m feelin’. Knockin’ myself out so I ain’t gotta live with all them things I got goin’ on in my head and my heart. Never me. I get on with it. Go back to work like it’s just another fuckin’ day.. cause it is. Watch TV and ride my bike.. play some video games, jerk off, eat a buncha unhealthy shit, go to sleep, start it up all over again. Cause that’s life and that’s what the fuck you do. But… I can’t. I can’t go back to all that. I don’t wanna. It ain’t the same no more and it ain’t just another fuckin’ day. I ain’t prepared to go back like it ain’t nothin’.. and for the first time in my life.. I’m alone. I mean.. really fuckin’ alone. I never even knew what the fuck that meant before her. Alone was normal to me. I was born into it. Alone was my every day. I never really felt fuckin’ lonely and I never gave it a second thought. But now… I’m so damn lonely. And them wounds are still fresh, I know that. But I ain’t seein’ a time when they won’t be. I ain’t seein’ them ever fully healin’ and closin’ up cause I ain’t seein’ a life without her. No matter how long my hearts beatin’.. If she ain’t here, I ain’t livin’. Maybe in time, I’ll be able to fake it better. Pretend I got myself together.. Just.. go on pretendin’ I ain’t missin’ her every damn second of every damn day of my life. I could eventually meet somebody else, but I don’t wanna. I won’t love her cause I’m in love with Chase. I know I won’t be able to love again. I ain’t wired that way. It's just her. It’ll only ever be. So I’mma just be lonely. I don’t wanna be but I ain’t got too much of a fuckin’ choice.

 

Maybe I'm jumpin’ the gun. It's only been two days. I'm tryin’ so hard to leave her be.. let her figure it all out. But.. like I said.. I'm tryin’.. I texted her some. I ain’t really expectin’ her to text me back. But.. I know she read it. At least them big brown eyes saw I was thinkin’ ‘bout her. Saw that I'm not angry with her. I told her that. She needed to know. Even if we never see each other or talk again. I just needed her to know. I’m hurt cause of me. She did tell me.. I jumped in head first. It’s gotta be on me. Love is a risk. And not everybody wins. I learned that.

 

I don’t even remember gettin’ here, but I’m parkin’ my truck. I take a deep breath and wait for my neighbor to get in her car and drive off before gettin’ out. I don’t really wanna see nobody and I don’t really want anybody to see me. I feel so heavy. Like I’m draggin’ my feet. I ain’t even feelin’ like a person. Just dead weight. I force myself up the stairs and struggle a little with my damn keys, droppin’ ‘em in front of my door. I close my eyes, leanin’ back against the wall for a second before pickin’ ‘em up and finally gettin’ my door open. My apartment is a wreck. Shit everywhere. Some of her shit. Them long dark hairs are all over the place. You never really realize little things like that ‘til you ain’t got it no more. The subtle pieces of her she left behind. This girl is everywhere. Fuckin’ everywhere. It hurts, but I never wanna stop findin’ her hair. I don’t wanna not have her things here. Her brush on my bathroom sink. A bottle of nail polish on the nightstand. Her little black socks on the floor in my bedroom. Her scent all over my pillows. All over my skin. Fuck. I need this to stop. Just… all these things.. All these thoughts.. 

 

I wanna kill somethin’. Yeah.. that might help. I dig my crossbow out the closet but it’s fuckin’ heavier than I remember and I ain’t got the strength to load it and aim it. And I don’t even think I care enough to so I drop it on the couch and walk over to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. But all I get to drinkin’ is a sip cause that bottle of Jack is lookin’ better and next thing I know I’m on my couch chuggin’ straight and holdin’ my phone tryin’ to give myself a good reason not to call her. Talk myself out of it. Starin’ at my screen and it’s her smilin’ face starin’ back at me cause of course it is. I can’t believe I let myself get like this. So this is love, huh… I bring the bottle back up to my lips and chug some more. My phone dings. A text. My heart drops and I know I’m hangin’ on false hope that it’s her…

 

Fuck. Merle. I can’t do this shit with him right now.. All I’m seein’ are letters formin’ words but I ain’t makin’ none of ‘em out.. Just ‘Hey baby bro- blah blah blah.. This that what the fuck ever..’ 

 

Dammit.. Fuck it.. I’mma call her.. 

 

1 ring.. 2.. My hearts beatin’ so fast.. 3, 4.. She ain’t gonna answer..

 

‘Hey, it’s Chase... do that message thing..’ 

 

Beeeep.

 

“Hey.. didn’t expect you to pick up.. just.. was hopin’ maybe you would.. maybe we could talk some.. Uummm..” I pause.. The fuck am I doin’..

 

“I fuckin’ miss you..” my voice is crackin’ and I’m fightin’ myself from cryin’ like a damn pussy into her voicemail. Fuck, man.. why did I… fuck.. 

 

I clear my throat and feel so stupid, my face burnin’ hot, “I just wish we could talk.. this fuckin’ sucks.. ok.. well...call me back.. or.. or don’t.. ”

 

I hang up, tossin’ my phone across the room and throwin’ my hat with it. Why the fuck did I just do that? It ain’t makin’ it any better.. It ain’t.. and this Jack is only makin’ it worse cause my insides hurt and I’m kinda cryin’ and there’s nothin’ I can do ‘bout it. ‘Cept fuckin’ sleep. I can’t be awake. Not today.. and I gotta get my shit together.. I just gotta.. so I can figure out what to do from here. Where to go. How to live. I gotta figure it out. But.. maybe tomorrow.. 

 

I force myself up off the couch, settin’ the bottle of Jack down on the table. I grab that glass of water and pop some Xanax. I never ain’t in control. So I know what I’m doin’. I just gotta do it. Just today. I’mma come outta this.. I’mma try to move on.

 

“It’s only been two days.. come on, Daryl.. you been through worse..” I shake my head, pourin’ more water, wipin’ my face, “different kinda worse..” I laugh a little and I ain’t sure why, but it’s better than fuckin’ cryin’. 

 

I make my way to my room and collapse on the bed face down. Kickin’ my shoes off the edge. I don’t bother to take my clothes off. I don’t even know what time it is.. I can barely keep my eyes open. I need to sleep it off. I gotta.. tomorrow can’t be like this.. come on, Daryl.. don’t give up now.. don’t give up..

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bangin’.. just bangin’.. answer the fuckin’ door... whatever dream I’m in.. I need it to keep on movin’ cause this bangin’ is too loud.. wait.. hold up.. 

 

“Shit..” I mumble. I’m in real life now. Fuckin’ back to it. And all that bangin’ is goin’ on at my damn door, “Go away!! Fuck off!”

 

I’m still in my jeans and shit. Disoriented and lost. I don’t know what day it is. I ain’t even gonna try to guess the time. Looks like the sun is out. Fuck.. how long was I knocked out? Kinda hopin’ it was days.. weeks even..I’m so fuckin’ thirsty.. I’m gettin’ up but the room feels off. My head still ain’t right. I’m kinda dizzy feelin’ light headed and my headache still didn’t go away. I’m makin’ my way to the door and the bangin’ stopped. I realize the damn door ain’t even fuckin’ locked and I open it, not givin’ a shit to ask who it is.

 

“Damn! I been tryin’ to call ya! Ringin’ ya off the hook then it kept goin’ right to voicemail!” Mike is standin’ there all spooked and shit.

 

“Why?” that’s all I got and I’m shruggin’. So fuckin’ confused and still ain’t used to the idea of bein’ awake. I need more time.. I need more sleep.. I don’t wanna be here..

 

“D, I’m fuckin’ worried ‘bout ya! Never seen ya like this, man.. I wanna help.. you my friend and that’s what fuckin’ friends do..”

 

I just look at him. Still standin’, holdin’ the door open. I let it go and walk away.. Headin’ toward the kitchen to get some water. So damn thirsty.. Mike comes in and shuts the door behind himself and I’m chuggin’ so fast, it’s spillin’ all over me.

 

“The fuckin’ door was open.. ya know that?” I’m givin’ him a death glare. A fuckin’ ‘go away’ glare. I’m feelin’ kinda shaky and not ready for this day. Whatever day it is. I ain’t got no idea ‘bout nothin’ no more..

 

“Daryl.. you takin’ drugs again?” 

 

I’m pourin’ more water and chuggin’. I scoff, catchin’ my breath, “No.”

 

“Penny said-”

 

“Stop.”

 

“D, she said-”

 

“I don’t give a fuck what the fuck Penny said! Alright!”

 

Mike’s lookin’ at me and I’m feelin’ bad for takin’ it out on him. All he’s tryin’ to do is be a friend. All he’s tryin’ to do is be the one person to give a shit. 

 

“I ain’t mean to yell.. I’m sorry.. It ain’t you.. It’s just..”

 

“It’s all good..” Mikes usin’ an indoor voice I ain’t even know he had. He pauses and we’re both just standin’ there. “Ya comin’ to work?”

 

“I dunno..”

 

“Dixon.. Man…”

 

I’m swallowin’ hard. Lookin’ down at the floor. My hair is a mess all in my face and my eyes feel like if they get any puffier, I ain’t gonna be able to open ‘em.

 

“TJ.. he’s gonna shit can ya if you don’t show up..”

 

“Fuck ‘em.. Tell his ass I quit..”

 

“Daryl.. Buddy.. you gon’ let this ruin everythin’ you been buildin’ up for yourself?” 

 

“What I built up? Huh? I ain’t built nothin’, Mike.. this piece of shit apartment? Hatin’ where I live and stayin’ at a dead end fuckin’ job? Cause it’s just a job.. that’s all it is.. ain’t no career.. It’s a fuckin’ shit job, workin’ for some ungrateful prick.. man, I’m sick of it!” 

 

“So what you gonna do? Just quit? Then what? How you gonna live? Eat? Keep a roof over your head? D, you ain’t thinkin’ straight..”

 

“Do you see me right now? Ya lookin’ at me?” I’m holdin’ my arms out, “How the fuck am I gonna show up to work like this? Third day in a row.. You think that’s gonna be any better for me? I’m losin’ my fuckin’ mind.. I’m fallin’.. apart” I’m lettin’ it out cause I gotta, “That girl.. man.. you don’t even know.. my life has been so fuckin’ shitty…” and I’m tearin’ up again.. I thought I was done with that shit, “You don’t know, Mike.. you just don’t... then she came into it.. and I fuckin’ swear that’s when I took my first breath cause bein’ with that girl is the only time I’ve ever been alive. How am I gonna go back from that? Go back to not livin’ after gettin’ a taste of what it’s like? Can you tell me? No… I mean it, I want you to fuckin’ shed some light cause I’m lost as all hell.. I don’t know what the fuck to do no more, Mike.. I’m dyin’.. I think I’m fuckin’... actually gonna die..”

 

“Damn, D.. fuck..”

 

“Nah.. you know what?” I’m noddin’, bitin’ my bottom lip.. Suckin’ them fuckin’ tears back inside. Cause I’m done cryin’, “I could die, it’s fine.”

 

“Ok.. ain’t nobody dyin’.. D, you talkin’ crazy, now..”

 

“Everybody’s dyin’.”

 

“Alright.. Come on to work with me, D.. you shouldn’t be sittin’ here all alone thinkin’ and shit. You ain’t gonna get no better doin’ all that.”

 

“I’m alone in a crowded room, Mike. Always have been.” I scoff.

 

“Ain’t true. You ain’t alone..”

 

“I ain’t shit and they were all right ‘bout it.” I grab the bottle of Jack and go to take a swig, “Tell TJ I’mma be back for my fuckin’ tools and if he says one goddamn word to me, I’mma kill ‘em.”

 

Mike grabs the bottle out my hand, right as I’m tryin’ to drink, spillin’ some.

 

“I ain’t gonna let ya do this to yourself, D.. I ain’t.. you can sit there an’ think nobody gives a shit but guess what, ya asshole, I fuckin’ give a shit! Cause you the only one ever gave me a damn chance instead of writin’ my simple ass off.. you my damn friend whether you give a shit or not.. so fuck you! Cause you ain’t no self pitty talkin’ suicidal mopin’ ass bitch.. Yer Daryl fuckin’ Dixon! The toughest son of a bitch I know! You gon’ say I’m wrong?”

 

I’m just lookin’ at him. Fuckin’ Mike. I cross my arms. My head fuckin’ poundin’. 

 

“I got my ass up extra early to come get ya. So come the hell on.. you done cried enough..” Mike’s got the most serious face on I ever seen. 

 

“You better watch your fuckin’ mouth.” I point a finger at him and sigh, scratchin’ my head cause he’s right. He put me in my damn place cause that’s what fuckin’ friends do. I get it. And.. well.. maybe it’s actually makin’ me feel a little better..

 

“There he is! He’s comin’ back!” He starts bein’ himself again, gettin’ all loud and excited.

 

“Please stop yellin’..” I hold my head.

 

“So.. you comin’?”

 

“I dunno..”

 

“Come.. if you need to tell TJ to fuck off and leave, then fuck it man.. but don’t just sit home.. not like this..”

 

All of a sudden I start feelin’ really sick. Shakin’ and breakin’ out in a cold sweat. Damn.. I gotta fuckin’ puke.. and I ain’t gonna make it to the bathroom so I stick my head in the garbage and let it out. Ain’t much to it since I been livin’ on Jack, Xanax and cigarettes. I feel fuckin’ horrible. In every sense of the word. I’m killin’ myself. I gotta do somethin’..

 

“Fuck, D..”

 

“Uumm..” my stomach is crampin’ like crazy and I’m hangin’ on the damn garbage, wantin’ to puke more but I got nothin’ left, “I’m gonna stay home.. I just need.. I need one more day..”

 

“I’mma talk to TJ.. man, he gotta just understand.. you sick.. ain’t no way you gonna be able to do nothin’.. I seen it.”

 

“It is what it is.. I’ll just have to figure it out..”

 

I got a lot to fuckin’ figure out. But I’mma really try. I gotta. I can’t keep doin’ this. This ain’t the way. Not for me.


	19. Loosen Up, Kid

She’s knockin’ on my door. And I know it’s her cause she texted me sayin’ she was on her way. I cleaned up my apartment.. kinda.. but not cause she said she was comin’ by. Cause I fuckin’ needed to for my own damn sanity. Hmm sanity.. the fuck is that anyway? I just don’t know no more.. I been on the edge of completely losin’ my fuckin’ mind. Losin’ whatever grip I thought I had on reality. I ain't been feelin’ like myself.. just..

“Door’s open..” I ain’t exactly yellin’, but talkin’ loud enough so she hears me as I’m watchin’ the knob slowly turn.

A head of bleached blonde hair peekin’ in. Bright ass pink lipstick. Penny. I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ and she’s comin’ in real slow, bein’ all sneaky ‘bout it like she ain’t tryin’ to be seen. I’m shakin’ my head cause ain’t no way she could ever sneak ‘round nowhere lookin’ like she does. Bright as all fuck like a livin’ breathin’ Barbie doll. Them huge tits just hangin’ out. Every man's fantasy, ‘cept mine.

“Daryl… hey..” she’s closin’ the door real quiet, talkin’ real low, “How ya been, sweetheart?”

“Her shit’s right there.” I’m noddin’ to a few bags on the couch, ignorin’ her question.

She’s lookin’ over at them bags, then back at me. Just standin’ there, clutchin’ on her purse. And yeah… it ain’t the most comfortable situation to be put in.. for nobody.

“Tell her I ain’t givin’ up them little red panties. She wants ‘em back, she gotta come get ‘em herself.” I light a cigarette and take a pull, leanin’ against the wall, “Creep move.. yeah...I know.”

Penny’s face turns all kindsa colors and I’m shocked that could even still happen with all the makeup she got on. And she’s just standin’ there and I ain’t sure if I should invite her to sit or tell her to take them bags and just go. This girl, Penny.. she's just standin’ there and I ain't too sure what to do cause I don’t really know her like that.. I mean.. we hung out a few times by association but really, now, she’s just my ex-girlfriend’s friend. And she’s lookin’ like she got somethin’ to say but I also ain’t sure I even wanna hear it.

“Can I get one of those?” She’s askin’, holdin’ up neon painted fingers. Chase would never wear them bright ass colors..

I think ‘bout it for a second and decide against bein’ an asshole, holdin’ my pack of Parliaments open so she could take one. I grab my lighter and light it up for her too.

She takes a drag, “I really mean it… how ya doin’?”

I shrug, “Never been fuckin’ better.” I take a deep pull, starin’ at her, blowin’ smoke. I usually ain’t one to be smokin’ in my apartment. Maybe once.. twice... but lately, I just ain’t in the business of carin’ much. ‘Bout any fuckin’ thing. And I ain’t exactly been feelin’ like goin’ outside if I ain’t gotta or dealin’ with nobody neither. I go to work cause I ain’t got no choice, unless I wanna live out on the damn street. Since she left, days are just days again. Comin’ and goin’ and it’s outta my control. Back on auto pilot. The first 48 hours were the worst.. but that don’t mean it’s been gettin’ any better. I’m mad at myself for even havin’ feelin’s in the first place. But I know that's mostly just a defense mechanism cause the best thing I ever did in this life was love her. And I ain't never gonna stop.. and yeah.. it's gonna kill me..

I pause, bitin’ at my lip. I know I should leave it alone.. but I fuckin’ can’t. “How is she?” my heart starts beatin’ faster and my stomach got that sinkin’ feelin’ again.

Penny’s eyes get all big and she brings the cigarette to them pink lips, pullin’. She’s hesitatin’ to say anythin’ and it’s makin’ me anxious. It’s been a week since we broke up and I ain’t sure I could handle hearin’ ‘bout her with somebody else. I ain’t been able to get her sayin’ that stupid fuckin’ line, ‘we should see other people’, out my head cause why she sayin’ all that? What other people? I’m thinkin’ too much again.. I gotta stop.. I gotta fuckin’ cut the shit out now..

“Nevermind.” I shake my head and walk into the kitchen, “Wanna drink?”

“Yeah.. sure.. ummm non alcoholic..” she’s gigglin', takin’ a seat, “Nice place ya got.. real cozy...”

“Don’t insult me.”

“I mean it!” she’s gigglin’, “don't be so dang hard on yourself.. I dig it. Might not be that big but at least you got yer own spot..”

“Here.. only got water..” I bring her a glass and she takes it, smilin’.

She puts out her half smoked cigarette in the ashtray and sighs, “I wish I knew what to tell ya.. I do..”

I light another cigarette, “You ain’t gotta say nothin’. There ain’t nothin’ to say.” I nod over at the ashtray with that half cig all stained pink from her lip junk, “hope you gonna smoke that.. them shits don’t fall off trees..” my face and voice are like stone. I know I ain't bein' all that invitin'.. but I can't help it.

She grabs it up and slips it in her bag, “I ain’t gonna waste it, Daryl.. Promise”

So we just sit there and it's fuckin' awkward.. and I wanna just tell her to go.. fuck it.. ain’t no reason for her to be here longer than she already has. I'm gettin’ anxiety with her bein’ here. I just wanna be alone.. I stand up, takin’ another pull, “I’ll carry them bags down for ya..”

“Chase is one of my closest girlfriends..” she just starts talkin’, ignorin' me, “but I ain't known her all that long.. and for the life a me… I just don’t get it.”

“Ain’t nothin’ to get, Penny..” I place the cig between my lips and start grabbin’ them bags up.

“That girl loves the hell outta you.” Penny looks up at me, “ya do know that...right?”

I feel like my heart is gonna jump out my chest and my face is hot. My stomach starts hurtin’ and I feel another headache comin’ on. I’m grippin’ on the straps of Chase’s overnight bag she always used to bring her stuff over. That bag I never understood cause it says ‘Love Pink’ in big ol’ letters on it and it ain’t even pink. Not even a little. Packed with all them things she kept here cause she barely left my side and I never wanted her to. I feel on display. Kinda embarrassed a little and I don’t know why. I scoff, shakin’ my head, my cig hangin’ between my lips, “Hmm.. nah.. can’t say I do.”

She ain't takin’ them eyes off me. I ain't lookin’ at her, but I can feel ‘em burnin’ me up. I sigh, droppin’ them bags back on the couch cause she ain’t showin’ signs of gettin’ the fuckin’ hint. I take my last pull and smush the cigarette butt into the ashtray, “She tell you that?”

“Whether she did or didn’t, it’s clear as the day is long.”

I laugh, “Is it? Guess I’m a fuckin’ idiot cause I thought if you love somebody..” I pause, reelin’ myself back in cause I ain't tryin’ to get upset again,“ya know what, it don't even matter.”

“It does matter.”

“It don’t.” I’m just lookin’ at her, stone faced. Pausin’ cause I got shit I wanna say.. get off my chest cause I been holdin’ so much in.. but none of it I got to say to Penny, “Look.. don’t go tellin’ her I’m mad at her.. cause I ain’t.. she knows that... I just want her to be happy.. and if it ain't with me.. then it ain’t.. I'm tryin’ to accept that...I can’t force her to care ‘bout me.. can’t make her feel them things if she don’t.. and she don't. ”

Penny’s shakin’ her head, “Problem in all that is...she is feelin’ them things.. and she ain’t got a clue what the fuck to do with ‘em.. ya think she’s been happy? Feelin’ like she made the right decision?” she’s takin’ a sip of her water, “Plleeaasseee.. that girl got some shit to work out on her own.. I love her to death but she ain’t the easiest little thing to get to understandin’..”

I’m shakin’ my head, gettin’ kinda frustrated cause I don’t wanna be talkin’ to nobody but Chase ‘bout this. Shit, I ain't wantin’ to be talkin’ to nobody but Chase at all.. I start playin’ with my hands and fidgetin’ some cause I’m just damn uncomfortable in all these things I’m feelin’. Penny could tell. She moves closer to me and puts her hand on my shoulder and I tense up cause I ain't really wantin' her to touch me.

“Ya threw a wrench in her life and got her re-thinkin’ everythin’ she thought she already knew..” Penny just keeps on talkin’.. and I wanna hear it, but then again I don’t, “That girl’s a gypsy.. and gypsy’s don’t stay long..” She sighs and pulls her hand away, drinkin’ more of her water and settin’ the glass down, “Love ain’t what them movies make it all out to be, ya know.. Boy and girl fall in love and it's all perfect and magical and yadda yadda yadda... that shit ain't real.. It’s a scary, crazy shit storm cluster fuck and when it hits ya outta left field like that, oooohhh boy… it’s the most amazin’ thing in the world.. but hurts like hell..drives ya nuts and people handle it differently” she pauses, lookin’ at me, “If I were you.. I wouldn’t go on givin’ up on her just yet.. not if you love her..”

I feel my eyes gettin’ all watery again, but this time I ain’t lettin’ ‘em out, “I ain’t never givin’ up on that girl..” I put my head in my hands and take a deep breath before lookin’ at Penny again, “I got no plans to stop waitin’ on her..” I pause lookin’ back at Penny, “Tell her that. I’m here. I ain’t goin’ nowhere unless she’s comin’ with me..”

“Jesus.. you are a diamond in the rough, Daryl Dixon..” she places a hand over her heart all dramatic. Like Chase always used to do..

“Tell her that.”

“I will.” she cracks a smile and we sit in a moment of awkward silence before she finally starts to stand to her feet, fixin’ her skin tight outfit, “I should get goin’..”

She goes to grab up them bags she came for and I jump up, gettin’ to ‘em first, “I got it.” I throw ‘em over my shoulder and she’s takin’ another look ‘round my apartment.

“Thank you for the water..” she smiles, “Ohh and that cigarette I’mma finish..” she winks.

I force a half smile cause it’s all I fuckin’ got and I follow her downstairs to her beat up maroon colored ‘96 Chevy Malibu. She opens the trunk and I set Chase’s stuff down with a heavy heart cause this is stupid. It shouldn’t be like this not one damn bit. I close the trunk and watch as Penny opens the door and gets in.

She starts up the engine and lowers her window, “See ya ‘round?”

I shrug with a grunt, “I’m serious ‘bout them red panties. Make sure you tell her..”

She giggles, shakin’ her head as she’s backin’ out and drivin’ off. I stand outside for a few minutes well after she’s long gone and I ain’t exactly sure why. Just.. takin’ in the silence. A few birds chirpin’, sun’s hangin’ out behind some clouds. I can’t help but get to thinkin’ ‘bout them things Penny was sayin’. She said Chase ain’t feelin’ like she made the right decision? In what way? Breakin’ up with me? Bein’ with me in the first place? Sayin’ the opposite of what Penny’s sayin’ she’s feelin’.. Tellin’ me she don’t love me.. how am I supposed to believe she does if she straight up told me to my face she don’t? Cause that’s what I’m hearin’ from Chase. As if I couldn't be any more goddamn confused and at a loss.

‘I don’t love you, Daryl Dixon.’

Over and over again in my mind.. them words I ain’t been able to fully digest.. cause I don't wanna.. hearin’ her voice in my damn head and seein’ her lips movin’. Fuckin’ knives stabbin’ my vital organs at the same fuckin’ time. Hurtin’ so bad, I’m tryin’ to scream but ain’t no sound comin’ out. And it ain’t like nobody ever told me they love me anyway. If they did, I fuckin’ missed it. Went right over my head.. like a lotta things.. People ain’t got no problem tellin’ me they hate me. I ain’t shit. Etc.. never love. Like… yeah.. but.. 'like' means nothin’. I like chicken nuggets but if there's a burger on the menu... yeah.. you get the picture..

Anyway..

I take a deep breath of fresh air and exhale before headin’ back up to my apartment and I’m sure it’s all in my fuckin’ head… but without her stuff.. It feels so damn empty. I sink into the couch where her bags were and I swear I could smell her like she was here right next to me. I can't really explain the emptiness I'm feelin'. But it's heavy and all consumin'. Fuck.. man.. this really fuckin’ sucks.

My phone starts ringin’ and my heart drops. Fuck, please be her… I dig it out my pants pocket. And just like a kick in the nuts, that 3 second hope I was floatin’ on is gone. Merle. I send that shit straight to voicemail and just hold my phone in my hand. Her picture is still my background photo and she’s smilin’ all big and happy, tiltin’ that pretty little head and throwin’ up the ‘peace’ sign with them little fingers. I took that picture in Tennessee when she popped my cherry. Got me wantin’ to look at all the pics and videos I got of her. I shouldn’t. But I do it anyway cause I seem to love to torture myself..

Got this one of me and her over by them piers in LIC when we were in New York.. got this one of her stuffin’ her face at this restaurant, I forgot the name.. this one of us kissin’.. her just walkin’ cause she's so damn cute.. me and her actin’ silly.. a video of her singin’ in the shower when she didn’t know I was recordin’ her… some other videos of Times Square and random shit... a video of me fuckin’ her from behind, all her idea cause she wanted to see what it looks like from my perspective..

Fuck..I keep doin’ this to myself. I’m gonna call her..

I got no self control, pressin’ call and it’s ringin’. My heart beatin’ so hard and fast. I need her to just answer.. Fuckin’ answer..

‘Hey, it’s Chase.. do that message thing..’

Beeeep.

I don’t even know what the hell to say no more so I just hang up. Wishin’ I could just fuckin’ stop there, but I don’t and I follow up with a text:

‘I really miss you’

I’m just starin’ at my phone.. all them texts in our thread just from me now.. and then:

‘Please stop’  
‘Just let me be, Daryl’

Them words pushin’ all them knives deeper. She don’t say nothin’ to me for a week and now she’s textin’ me.. to leave her alone. Damn.. I don’t.. I don’t know what to say.. my chest is hurtin’ again.. I shouldn’t say again cause it never really stopped.. Just.. hurtin’ more.. confirmin’ what I been refusin’ to swallow.. It’s really fuckin’ over.. what did I expect? She sent Penny to pick up her shit.. she don't wanna talk to me.. she don't wanna see me.. she wants nothin’ to do with me no more..

‘Message received.. you wont hear from me again.’  
‘take care of yourself, Chastity.’

My heart is broken… that’s that.

And I wait like a fool for her to text back. Still delusional in thinkin’ she mighta changed her mind in the few seconds since she basically told me to fuck off. Tell me she was just kiddin’ and she misses me too. But nothin’. I go to make one last attempt to beg her to give me another chance.. remind her how much I love her.. but I erase it all.. I feel them tears comin’ back up and everythin’ is fuckin’ hurtin’ again. But I’m feelin’ goddamn angry. Just.. mad at myself. Mad at the fuckin’ world. Everybody and everything.. But her. Cause I’m a fuckin’ stupid piece of shit. It’s just the way I’m fuckin’ wired.

I don't know how long I been sittin’ on my couch just starin’ off into space. I ain't even sure what time it is.. I don't care. I know I shouldn't…I know.. but I grab my last bottle of Jack and chug some. I know what I'm doin’.. I know my limits this time.. I know I'm gonna feel like shit again in the mornin’ but I just need it.. it hurts too fuckin’ bad to feel..

Another damn knock on my door. And I know it ain't her, so I don't fuckin’ give a shit. Why won’t every fuckin’ body just leave me the hell alone?! I swear I never had this many people actin' like they give a shit even when I wanted them to..

“Hey.. little brother..” Merle’s mumblin’ on the other side, knockin’ again.

I'm just shakin’ my head and layin’ back on the couch with my only friend, Jack.. I'm startin’ to sweat a little and my eyes are watery. My hair is all over my face and I ain't in the mood to do this right now..

“You in there… got your bike and truck both parked outside..” that fuckin’ voice he got.. makin’ my skin crawl..

“Nah.. fuckin’ forget it!” I growl, “Get the hell on!”

“Daryl.. come on, now..” He ain’t raisin’ his voice.. just.. talkin’, “I ain’t here to fight with ya.. not no more..”

All them texts and calls from Merle I been ignorin’ for days now.. so this is how she feels.. ‘Just let me be, Daryl’ .. I fuckin’ get it... alright... I get it… fuckin’ karma and whatever the fuck… just… leave me the hell alone… please...

“I’m done with ya, Merle.. you did that!” I’m shakin’ my head feelin’ my blood boilin’ givin’ me a damn headache. I ain’t prepared to deal with his bullshit. I got my own bullshit that I ain't prepared to deal with.

“Little brother..” he ain’t givin’ up.. soundin’ like he’s got his mouth pressed against the door, “I just wanna talk to ya. I’m worried ‘bout my baby bro..”

I scoff, chuggin’ more whiskey, “Ya still believin’ your own fuckin’ bullshit, huh?”

The knob turns and I close my eyes, sinkin' back deeper on the couch. Fuckin’ left the door unlocked again. I swear I officially lost my goddamn mind.. all of it..

Merle’s walkin’ in lookin’ like a dog with his tail between his legs and I’m just starin’ at him like I’m gonna beat the shit out of him. I’m takin’ a deep breath and squeezin’ the bottle in my hand. Rememberin’ what happened last time.. them scars ain’t never goin’ away.. them mental ones neither.

He’s lookin’ like he ain’t sure what to say and I can tell he’s sober just by lookin’ at his dumb fuckin’ face.

“She left ya..”

“I ain’t tryna talk ‘bout that.” I grunt, clenchin’ my teeth.

“I’m sorry, brother…”

“Don’t matter. I don’t give a fuck..” I pause, “neither do you.”

“Baby boy..” Merle’s standin’ there by the door, rubbin’ on his head. Talkin’ real low and actin’ like he’s meanin’ what he’s sayin’ but I know better.. actin’ like he gives a shit ‘bout me but I definitely know better, “I hate the way things been goin’.. you ain’t even answerin’ my texts .. ain’t even - ”

“That’s on you."

“Brother.. I need ya.. ya hear? I fuckin’ need ya..”

“Well, I don’t need you. I don’t need nobody. No fuckin’ body.. I don't give a fuck, Merle.. I don't care. Same ol' song and dance with you.. and I ain't doin' it no more. Get the hell on.”

He's just starin’ at me like he's tryin’ to read me,“That girl did ya in real good, ain’t she?”

“Fuck you.”

“What was her name again?”

I stand up cause I ain’t gonna have this go on no more. He’s grinnin’ that stupid grin cause he knows he fuckin’ struck a nerve and I knew it was all a damn act, “Get the fuck out.”

“I’m tryin’ brother..”

“You.. ain’t my damn problem no more.. now go..” I ain’t raisin’ my voice. I ain’t gotta.. and we’re standin’ face to face and I’m just starin’ his ass down waitin’ on him to try somethin’. Squeezin’ the life out this bottle of Jack cause the way I’m feelin’ I’mma fuckin’ kill him. Today could be the damn day..

“You been drinkin’ all that love shit away, ain't cha?” Merle’s shakin’ his head, “yeah.. sounds ‘bout right..”

“What you know ‘bout love?” I'm pointin’ the bottle in his face, shakin’ my head, “not a damn thing.” I bring the bottle to my lips and drink, “you just like him. Always gonna be. And I'm fuckin’ done.. fuckin' broken record with you.. over and over again..”

“I ain’t tryna start no fight.” Merle puts his hands up, “Just tryna have a little chit chat with my blood.”

“Say what you gotta say then… and get the fuck out.”

“This is feelin’ more like a damn confrontation, Daryl.. loosen up, kid.. take a damn seat..” Merle walks passed me and sits.

“Nah.. get the fuck off my couch.. get up..” I'm puttin’ my hand over my face cause I ain't feelin’ too good, “and don't fuckin’ tell me to loosen up.. I ain't no damn kid neither..”

“Alright, alright.. you aint no kid.. and I deserve the way you treatin’ me.. but give me a damn chance..”

“You ain’t got no more chances left. See, that's the fuckin’ part you don't get.. Don’t work that way.”

“I checked into rehab, brother..” Merle’s lookin’ up at me with puppy dog eyes like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him or somethin’.

“Ya checked into rehab? So why ain’t you there?”

“I checked in a few weeks ago.. checked out ‘bout a week in..." He pauses, lookin' at me, "ok... ya got me..” he puts his hands up again like he got caught red handed, “‘Bout 4 days in..”

I scoff, “Of course ya did..”

“I'm tryin’ brother.. I ain't needin’ no rehab to get my shit together.. I could do it my damn self..”

“Get clean? Like I been fuckin’ tryna get ya to do? 4 days of fuckin’ rehab and all of a sudden you gonna get fuckin’ clean? A damn switch turned on in that fried up brain of yours? Good luck with that..” I cross my arms over my chest, “That it? You done sayin’ what you came here to say cause I'm done hearin’ it.”

“Yeah.. ok.. I ain’t been all good.. but it’s a damn start..”

“Answer my damn question..” I growl, “you done?”

“I ain't done, brother.. and you puttin’ on this front like ya ain't givin’ a good goddamn 'bout nothin' and ya fulla shit. Ya sittin’ here wallowin’ in yer own damn self pity! The hell is that? I ain't gonna let that happen. You need your damn brother.. and I fuckin’ need mine tryin’ to get clean.. for fuckin’ real this time..”

“You come here for fuckin’ praise in doin’ shit ya shoulda fuckin’ done years ago? You want a goddamn medal? Forget it. I don’t give a shit.. that ship sailed when you tried to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me.. and all of a sudden you givin’ a fuck ‘bout how I'm feelin’?! You think I'm stupid? Well I ain't! I don't fuckin’ need ya!”

“Sit down, brother..” Merle’s noddin’ his head with a look on his face that ain’t crackin’. He ain’t fuckin’ lettin’ what I’m sayin’ to him get under that thin wrinkled up skin of his. I fuckin’ hate him.. I hate that I don't..

“Get out, Merle.”

“Daryl.. have a damn seat..”

“You ain't got no right.. no damn right.. givin’ a fuck when it's convenient for ya.. what you want from me this time? Huh? Money? That it? The fuck is it this time, Merle?”

“I ain't the one who left ya high and dry, brother. That damn girl did. I ain't wantin’ to say I told ya so.. but I fuckin’ told ya..”

“Don't you say another fuckin’ word ‘bout her!” I'm gettin’ in his face and he's standin’ up, "And you were the one who left me years ago. Been gone.."

“I ain't tryna fight.” His eyes get all big and he's calm as a fuckin' clam and I just don't get it.

“The hell’s up with you?” I’m gettin' frustrated pointin’ at him, sittin’ down and puttin’ my head in my hands, still grippin’ on that bottle, “They do somethin’ to you? Them 4 whole days in rehab…. they hypnotize you or…?”

He starts laughin’, “Nah, asshole.. I told ya I’m fuckin’ tryin’.. and fuckin’ stay sittin’ dammit.. I wanna talk to ya..”

“I ain't got the fuckin’ energy for this shit no more, Merle. Just say what you gotta say and...just leave me alone.. I’m tired, man..” I sit back and take a deep breath.

“I really fuckin’ lost ya.. I knew I did.. right when I said them things to ya ‘bout that girl.. ‘Bout how you was nothin’ and was always gonna be nothin’...I saw it in yer eyes.. Felt it.. Yeah, boy.. I fuckin’ knew it. The straw that broke the damn camel’s back.. 40 fuckin’ years later. Ain’t been sittin’ well with me, them things I said...not one bit.”

I'm just lettin’ him talk with my hands over my face cause I ain’t tryin’ to have this conversation. I ain’t tryin’ to dig up more shit makin’ me feel things.

“Boy.. I ain’t never saw them little blue eyes you got light up like they did when I saw ya with that girl. Made me fuckin’ mad. Cause I knew I ain't never gonna have none of that. Not with no damn girl. Not with nobody.. and I saw I was losin’ ya.. so I got pissed off and tried to ruin it… cause if I ain’t happy, you damn fuckin’ bet yer short an’ curlies, you ain’t gonna be neither. And if I fucked it up for ya, and made ya feel an inch tall again.. then.. well.. ya get the picture.. reopen them wounds and stand there watchin’ ya bleed out.. til yer dead inside again.. like yer big brother.. like yer old man.. cause that’s all in the cards for us Dixon boy’s.. we ain’t s’posed to be shit.. we come from shit.. why we gonna try and be somethin’ we ain’t?” He pauses, “He made me to go on thinkin’ that way.. fuckin’ brainwashin’ me all them years..”

I’m liftin’ my head to look at him lettin’ him say what he needs to say.. startin’ to realize maybe I’m really fuckin’ needin’ to hear it. Merle. My older brother who never made me feel protected or loved. Never acted like he gave a fuck ‘bout nobody but himself. Hated me for all these fuckin’ years. Just comin’ clean.. for the first fuckin’ time ever.. admittin’ all them things I already knew.. he never wanted me to be happy cause he knows he can't ever be.. and that's fucked up but maybe he's too far gone.. let himself slip into that hole a long time ago and ain't never been able to pull himself out, like I been fightin’ to do all them years.. I don’t wanna, but I kinda feel bad for him. Never facin’ them demons head on.. Instead acceptin’ that he’s gonna be a piece a shit his whole life and lettin’ it happen.. different way of handlin’ them scars our father left us with. I can feel myself tremblin’ a little, eyes glassin’ up. That Dixon family curse..It never goes away, ya know.. just shoved deep down inside.. until it ain’t no more..

“That mother fucker.. that piece of fuckin’ human waste..” Merle catches himself goin’ on a tangent..grittin’ his teeth and gettin’ worked up.. he ain’t gotta say nothin’ else for me to know everythin’ he’s tryna say. I feel it too.. I feel it worse.. “I swear to Christ, Daryl..”

“It don’t matter no more, Merle.. he’s gone..”

“Wish I killed him.” He’s growlin’, fidgetin’ some.

“It’s over and done.”

“Instead I fuckin’ been actin’ just like him… you were always the good one, Daryl.. that sweet little baby boy. Hell, I remember when ya were born.. I thought, how in the hell could somethin' so damn perfect come from somethin' so damn vile..” He’s gettin’ all emotional and I ain’t never really seen him like that before, “Wishin’ I could just take it all away from ya.. all them things he did.. fuckin’ wishin’ he did 'em to me.. you aint never deserved none of that. Fuckin’ none of it.”

“He did it to you too..”

“Nah, boy.. I got nothin’ compared to all them things he did to you, little brother.. I’m so fuckin’ sorry..”

I look away from him, “I don’t wanna talk ‘bout this no more.”

So we don’t.. and we sit in silence for a few long minutes, lookin’ down at our hands.. our shoes.. talkin’ ‘bout our childhood ain’t somethin’ we do. Talkin’ much ‘bout anything ain’t somethin’ we do.

“Take it.” I break the silence, lookin’ up at my big brother and holdin’ the bottle of Jack out. He’s just lookin’ at me, unsure how to react. I nod my head for him to grab it and he does, takin’ a generous chug then handin’ it right back.

“What ain’t killin’ ya… only gonna make ya stronger.” Merle’s just lookin’ at me. A slight hint of a crooked smirk on his face.

“You gonna go back to rehab?” I’m starin’ a hole through him.

He starts laughin’ and I ain’t seein’ the humor in what the fuck I just said.

“Little brother.. You the only thing in my life worth a damn to me.. and rehab is for pussies.”

I’m takin’ another sip, feelin’ some kinda way cause as much as I’m wantin’ to think maybe this time he finally snapped the fuck out of it, I can’t trust him. I never could. Too blind in thinkin’ all them years that I could have a little piece of what family is like. Havin’ a big brother like normal people. I ain’t gonna be stupid ‘bout this again. Not after what happened that night. Not after losin’ Chase and her family. I’m heavily guarded again and it’s just the way it is.. the way it gotta be.

I tilt my head and bite on my bottom lip, “This right here..” I'm pointin’ at him, then at myself “this don't mean we’re cool.. can't keep comin’ in and out my life when you fuckin’ feel like it.”

Merle sighs real deep, “You right..” he’s clearin’ his throat, lookin’ at me, “So what now, baby boy?”

“Get the hell out.” I calmly say, takin’ another sip of the Jack in my hand, not lookin’ at him.  
He starts cacklin’ that damn signature cackle of his, smackin’ his hands together and I ain’t laughin’. Or fuckin’ smilin’.

“Well, hell..” he stands up and puts his hands on his hips, “Guess I got all I could outta ya.. a damn start if there ever was one..”

I don’t say nothin’ else, standin’ up and settin’ the bottle down. I walk to the door and open it and he gets the hint. He comes over to me and awkwardly tries to shake my hand and go in for a hug at the same time and he’s makin’ me real uncomfortable with all this shit.

“Nah..” I put my hand out to keep him away. Since she ain’t been touchin’ me, I ain’t been wantin’ nobody else to. Merle included. Merle at the top of that damn list.

My brother just nods, smirkin’ as he walks out. I close the door behind him and make sure I lock it this time. I ain’t sure what the fuck just happened. I don’t know what in the actual hell all that was. I ain’t too sure how to even feel. Nothin’ yet everythin’ all at once. ‘Bout everythin’... and nothin’. I’m stuck again. Just backed up into a corner. And yeah, maybe it’s me that got me all mixed up and confused. Maybe Merle is fuckin’ right ‘bout me drownin’ in self pity. Maybe he could even feel it too cause he been his whole life tryin’ to pretend he wasn’t. We all got things we gotta go through.

I sit back down on the couch and look at my phone. I open up the last thing she said to me and re read it over and over cause that’ll be the last thing she ever says to me. ‘Just let me be, Daryl..’

I’m tryin’ to keep it together, but with Merle bringin’ shit up and Penny sayin’ what she was sayin’... and Chase… the love of my life rejectin’ me for good.. I start cryin’ again then get mad at myself for lettin’ myself cry again. It’s a goddamn vicious cycle and I need to figure out how to shove it inside with everythin’ else I have to live with. I need to.


	20. Never Say Never, Little Brother

I’m holdin’ the rifle and takin’ aim. Concentratin’ on my target, peerin’ into the scope. It’s real silent ‘cept the leaves rustlin’ in the cool air. Merle ain’t sayin’ nothin’ but I can still hear a smirk on his face. And somethin’s feelin’ kinda off. I’m rusty, I know. Ain’t exactly shot one of them things in a while. I always prefered my crossbow to them guns cause they make too much noise if you ask me. I’m a damn ninja with that thing. But Merle would say it’s cause I’m a pussy and ain’t got hair on my nuts. Well.. whatever..

Merle’s got his hands on his hips with a cigarette hangin’ out his mouth, “You gonna just stand there or you gonna -” 

BAM

The loud crack of the rifle scares off some birds that were hidin’ in them trees and they start flyin’ all over the place. I’m gettin’ a taste of adrenaline off pullin’ the trigger, bringin’ the gun down to my side, crackin’ a crookin’ grin. The kick ain’t the same as I remember..but maybe it’s me who ain’t the same. Been ‘bout three weeks since I last felt alive. But I’m tryin’.. Merle said shootin’ might help me stop cryin’.. so far so good..

“OOOOOHHHH WWWEEEEEE!!” Merle’s hollerin’, “The hell ya shootin’ at boy?”

“I hit it.”

He starts cacklin’, holdin’ his hands out, “You as rusted as an old nail, little brother. Ya ain’t hit shit! Not that time.. not the time before.. ya losin’ yer balls!”

“Yeah…” I nod, “I hit it.” 

I clipped the bottom right corner of the makeshift sheet metal target we strung up on a tree some 250 ft out in the woods. Me and Merle. I wanna say like old times, but we never actually got along like this. It’s keepin’ me on my toes and I ain’t lettin’ my guard down. Somethin’s gotta be up and I’m just waitin’ on the other shoe to drop.

“Gimme that..” Merle snatches the rifle out my hand, “Lemme show ya how a real man shoots..”

I scoff, grabbin’ a beer out the medium sized red cooler and poppin’ it open, takin’ a sip. Damn that’s nice and cold. Really hittin’ the spot. I’m too busy enjoyin’ my Heineken to notice Merle settin’ up to take his shot until he pulls the trigger and the sound snaps me back to reality.

“Right fuckin’ dooowwwwwnnnn the middle! Split it’s head wide open!” He’s celebratin’ and rubbin’ it in my face. A straight shot right in the center of the damn target. If Merle was ever good at somethin’ it was shootin’. And bein' a fuckin' moron.

“Good for you.” I shrug, bringin’ that beautiful cold beer to my lips, “Lucky shot.”

“Lucky shot my ass! Hand me one a those, boy..” Merle sets the gun down against a tree and takes a seat in his cheap, old man fold out chair.

I get up off the cooler, open it and grab him a beer. Handin’ it off to him before closin’ the lid and sittin’ back down on it. He pops it open and starts chuggin’.

“Mmmm mmmmm..” he’s squeezin’ his lips together, “Damn if that ain’t the sweet nectar of the Gods!”

I tasted the sweet nectar of the God’s.. and as good as this beer is, that ain’t it. Chastity Leanna Sanchez. That’s all it takes for her to flood my brain again. Things ain’t even directly relatin’ to her. Drinkin’ a beer and shootin’ with my brother. It ain’t like I ever did that shit with her, yet it still got me thinkin’ them things. Everythin’ does. Nothin’s changed. ‘Cept I’m doin’ better in handlin’ it. Acceptin’ my feelin’s and movin’ on. My heart ain’t mended. Not one bit. But I can say and believe that I’mma be ok one day. Even if that ‘one day’ is the day I die, at least I can bet on it. Optimistic as fuck, huh?

“What you wanna do now? Get into some pussy?” Merle’s got that pervy look on his face, raisin’ up them eyebrows.

“Nah..” I take another sip, “I’m good.”

“You been jerkin’ off, ain’t cha?” He’s nonchalantly askin’, "lemme see them palms!"

“You askin’ me or you tellin’ me? I know you been jerkin' it..fuckin' one track mind..” I shake my head, finishin’ off my beer and diggin’ in my jacket pocket for my smokes. That jacket she got me. I wear it every day.

“I also been fuckin’ real life pussy, baby boy..” Merle’s pullin’ out his smokes too, “you gotta get back in the game.. plenty tail runnin’ ‘round out there..”

“I said I’m good.” I’m lightin’ my cig and takin’ a pull, “ain’t nobody ‘round here I like anyway..”

“Since when ya gotta like ‘em to fuck ‘em?”

I laugh, “It ain’t even been that long.. I ain’t hard up..”

“You could say that again, asshole!” Merle starts cacklin’ and I laugh some too cause I ain’t mean for it to sound like that. Then Merle gets all serious, “Told ya I saw her..”

“I told you I ain’t wantin’ to hear ‘bout it.”

“She ain’t see me.. she was with that girl, Penny.. big ass titties lookin’ fine as hell.. Mmmm.. mmmmm… yeah, boy.. what I wouldn’t give to stick my dick in that..”

“Merle..” I look up at him, “I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it.”

“You still mad?” 

“I ain’t never been mad.”

“Well.. just so ya know I wanted to tell her ass somethin’.. cause she went and broke my baby brothers heart..”

I take a deep pull and blow the smoke up in the air, gettin’ up to grab another beer cause clearly he ain’t gettin’ the fuckin’ point. I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear ‘bout it. Outta sight outta mind, right? Is that the old sayin’. Not that that shit is even fuckin’ workin’ to begin with. I’m always thinkin’ ‘bout her. That girl is livin’ rent free in my damn brain.

“How’d she look?” I ain’t even meanin’ to ask.. it just fuckin’ slips out.

“Same as she always be lookin’. ‘Cept she had all that hair up under some Yankees ball cap and some big ol’ tee shirt lookin’ like she ain’t even wantin’ to be in the damn sun. Penny had them titties hangin’ all over the place though… oohhh yeah… make a damn man wanna cry! Slide my dick right between ‘em!”

“You're a fuckin’ creepy bastard, ya know that?” I finish my smoke and toss it, drinkin’ my beer.

“Damn sure do... I gotta question for ya… why ain’t you fuckin’ Penny?” Merle’s lookin’ at me with a smirk.

I almost spit my beer out and ain’t even sure what to say cause he should already know damn well why. What kinda fucked up shit is that? I ain’t that guy no more. And Penny ain’t my type.

“What? That slut would fuck ya in the back of yer truck. All ya gotta do is say the word. I know for a fact… yup..” Merle’s smackin’ me on the leg, motionin’ for me to move so he could get another beer, “She wants the cock..”

“Stop callin’ them girls sluts, man.. have some respect..”

“Respect for a girl who’s been wantin’ to fuck her friends man? Ya hearin’ yerself?”

“You stay thinkin’ you know everythin’..”

“I ain’t makin’ it up.. she said so.. ya shoulda fucked her when she was in your apartment.”

“Alright..” I start laughin’ cause I ain’t knowin’ what else to do. I feel like my face is turnin’ red and I ain’t sure why. It’s just fuckin’ Merle..“I would never sleep with Penny.”

“Never say never, little brother..” Merle's noddin', "I said I ain't never fuck that coked up bitch, whatever the hell her name is, and what I do? Fucked her in the ass in them woods. Twice." he's holdin' up two fingers.

"Yeah you can't be comparin' me to you.."

"Same ol' shit, brother. Pussy is pussy... or.. asshole.. whatever.. a hole is a hole.."

I take another sip and turn the focus on his nasty ass, “Who you fuckin’? Sayin' you got real life pussy..”

“Wouldn’t ya like to know?” He’s stickin’ his tongue out and doin’ weird shit with it and I’m lookin’ at the time cause the sun’s gonna be goin’ down soon and I think I had ‘bout all I could stomach of my damn brother today.

“Forget it. I really don’t give a fuck.” I’m chuggin’ some more and sighin’, lookin’ out at the trees and shit. It’s real nice bein’ out here. Away from people. Away from the bullshit. It’s nice havin’ Merle not actin’ like a fuckin’ animal for once too. I say that loosely..

“I’mma get me a girlfriend.” Merle belches like a pig, “Wife up some bitch.. I want me a damn home cooked meal and some missionary sex. I ain’t tryin’ to work for it no more.” he starts laughin’, “too old for this fuckin’ shit..”

“Good luck with that.” I finish my beer and stand up, “I’mma go..”

“Where ya goin’? Home? Baby boy, that’s all ya doin’ lately.. haven’t even seen ya ridin’..” Merle stands up and puts his arm ‘round me, “Let’s hit the bar.. see some titties.. grab some asses..”

I hate how he’s touchin’ on me but I ain’t hatin’ it enough to waste the energy to stop it, “Nah.. I ain’t in the mood. I’mma see ya later.. I been givin’ you more than enough brother time..”

“Wanna drive by Henley’s?”

My heart stops and all the blood it was pumpin’ falls to my damn feet, “No. And don’t you go doin’ that shit neither! Leave her alone!” I move away from him, givin’ him a cold stare.

“I’m just sayin’.. I oughta put some fear into that little bitch..” Merle grunts.

I instinctively grab him and push him up against the tree, knockin’ the rifle over, “If you ever fuckin’ say some shit like that again, I’ll fuckin’ kill ya..” I growl through clenched teeth.

Merle puts his hands up, “Ok ok ok ok ok… damn… didn’t know it was like that..”

“She ain’t no bitch!”

“No..” Merle’s shakin’ his head with a smirk, “Guess she ain’t..”

I let him go and just start walkin’ away, back toward my truck. We marked up a few trees so we’d remember where we came in. Not that I’d ever get lost out here. Merles yellin’ out to me that he’s gonna see me later and blah blah blah.. yeah.. whatever.. I just gotta go.. I know I’ll cool off but for now, I need some time to myself. I get to my truck and the sun is startin’ to set as I climb in and start the engine. Another long dark hair on the dashboard. I sigh and lay my head back, leanin’ into the seat for a minute. What I wouldn’t give to see her right now. Hear her voice. Even just sit with her in awkward silence. I pull out my phone.. still fuckin’ holdin’ onto the hope that she might text or call me.. But, nothin’. I took her picture off. I didn’t wanna but I had to. I tried to delete her number but that was takin’ it too fuckin’ far. The picture was hard enough. I can’t sit around and pretend she don’t exist. I don’t wanna.. cause I want her happy wherever she is and whatever she’s doin’. Fuck.. who am I kiddin’? I fuckin’ want her happy with me. I want my fuckin' girl back.. Ok.. I’m off in my head again.. time to change the subject..

I turn the radio on and dick around with the stations til some Guns N’ Roses comes on. Now I’m ready to drive. But for the first time in weeks, I ain’t exactly wantin’ to go home. Damn.. that’s a good fuckin’ sign.. baby steps. Fuck it.. I drive a bit of a ways in the opposite direction of my apartment, into town. It ain’t big but it’s a small strip of shops and bars and shit. A place I rarely ever come to. I park and get out, lightin’ a cigarette and just walkin’ around as the sun completely sets. Somethin’ ‘bout this one bar sittin’ on the corner of Orchard Street that makes me wanna grab a drink. So I walk in and take a seat at the bar. Thinkin’ ‘bout the first time I saw her.. Ok.. no.. gotta think ‘bout somethin’ else..

“Hey boss.. what ya drinkin’?” The bartender comes up to me as soon as I sit. He ain’t too much older than me, but way better lookin’. Got himself a neat haircut and a fresh shave. Got me thinkin’ maybe I should too..

“Lemme get a whiskey ginger.” somethin’ different.

This bar ain’t smellin’ like shit and it’s actually pretty damn clean. It ain’t rowdy neither. It’s just… chill.. I look up at the TV and there’s some hockey game on. I ain’t really into that but damn that’s a nice TV.. and I’m kinda feelin’ like maybe I don’t really belong in a nice place like this..

“Here you go, buddy..” The bartender lays down a napkin, placin’ my drink over it. 

I nod at him with a crooked smile and take a sip. Damn that’s fuckin’ good. I’m mindlessly watchin’ the hockey game and I’m rememberin’ why I don’t fuckin’ watch hockey.. can’t never see the puck. There ain’t too many people at the bar and only a few folks sittin’ at them tables for dinner. It ain’t a big place but it’s big enough and I wish I was dressed a little better so I didn't stand out like a damn poor redneck.

“This seat taken?” a low innocent soundin’ southern drawl.

I turn to see this girl standin’ there with the biggest bluest eyes I ever seen. She got shoulder length black hair and deep dimples in her cheeks. Milk like skin and she's real slim and kinda tall. I pull the bar stool out for her and she takes a seat, orderin’ a glass of some wine I never heard of. Now I’m really feelin’ like I don’t belong here..

The bartender brings over a wine glass and sets it down in front of her, poppin’ a bottle of red whatever the fuck open and pourin’ it for her. She thanks him and brings the glass to her lips. I’m feelin’ her eyes on me while I’m starin’ up at the TV drinkin’ my drink.

“Whatcha got there?” I hear her talkin’ again and I ain’t gonna assume she’s talkin’ to me so I don’t budge. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder, “Hey.. Hi..” 

I look over at her and she’s wavin’ shyly at me so I wave back, feelin’ stupid instantly.

“Whatcha drinkin’?” She’s askin’, her body turned all the way to face me and she got her legs crossed. Sittin’ like a real lady with them crazy high heels on.

“Whiskey.. and ginger ale..” I’m shakin’ my head, “Nothin’ special.”

“Can I try it?” Them eyes she got are piercin’ and she ain’t even gotta smile for them dimples to show up, “Odd request, I know.. I ain’t got cooties, promise.”

I hand her my drink and she takes it, sippin’ right from the side of the glass. She’s scrunchin’ up her face, “Yeah.. woo.. That’s definitely whiskey..” she chases it with her wine then holds out her hand for me to shake it, “I’m Kara.. with a K..” she’s smilin’.

I shake her hand, “Daryl.. with a D..” I’m a fuckin’ idiot..

She starts gigglin’, “Funny..” she’s sippin’ her wine, “Well, Daryl with a D… you live ‘round here?”

“Few miles North.. you?” I ain’t one to have small talk with strangers.. but.. what else am I gonna do.. 

“Baton Rouge. Goin’ back home tomorrow. My sister lives a few blocks over. She ain’t been doin’ too good so I been comin’ up to see her every chance I get. Needed some time to myself tonight.. sometimes it just gets to be too much, ya know?” Kara says. Yup. I know.

“Sorry ‘bout your sister.” I don’t know what else to say so I drink more, finishin’ it up and the bartender wastes no time gettin’ me another one. I tell him to bring her one too, on me, of whatever the hell red she’s havin’ and he does.

“Oh, Daryl.. you didn’t have to do that.. what a true gentleman.” She’s smilin’ real big, blushin’ a little and liftin’ her glass. I bring my drink to hers and we tap ‘em, “Next one’s on me..”

I wanna tell her no, but I ain’t gonna say nothin’ just yet cause I ain’t even sure I’mma stay for another one. I’m just kinda wingin’ it.

“What ‘bout you?” she’s askin’, switchin’ her right leg over her left now, “Why is such a handsome man, like you, sittin’ alone in this bar?”

Huh? I ain’t handsome to her. What’s she on? A girl like that don’t think guys like me are handsome. I got on jeans and a jacket and I ain’t brush my hair at all today. She looks like she don’t even walk to grab her mail up without makeup and heels. But it ain’t like I’m carin’ much anyway. I shake my head, “Just stopped for a drink..”

“That’s all?” she’s playin’ with the beads on her necklace, bringin’ the wine to her lips.

“Yes, Ma’am.” I’m drinkin’ more.

“Do you smoke?” She’s diggin’ in her purse and pullin’ out a pack of Newports.

“Read my mind..” I’m pullin’ mine out and the bartender is bringin’ over ashtrays. We light up and I take that first pull. Yeah.. needed that..

“What do you do for a livin’ Daryl?” Kara’s blowin’ smoke away from us.

“Finance.”

Them big blue eyes light up, “Really, now..”

“Nah..” I’m takin’ another pull, not really wantin’ to talk no more.

“Soo… you do…?” she’s askin’ again.

“Rodeo clown.”

She starts laughin’, smackin’ my arm like she knows I’m kiddin’. But what the fuck if I ain’t? I don’t say nothin’ else and glance back up at the TV. 

“I can tell you’re a hard one to crack..” She’s blowin’ smoke, sippin’ her wine, “I’m a legal assistant. So, Mr. Rodeo Clown, looks like we’re in the same field.” She laughs.

I try not to, but I laugh a little, finishin’ my smoke and puttin’ it out in the ashtray. I drink the last of my whiskey ginger and dig out my wallet, “I’mma head out..”

“So soon?” Kara’s mouth dropped open, "You're not gonna wanna miss my other jokes.."

“Way passed my bedtime..” I settle my bill and Kara puts her hand on my arm.

“How can a lady get the handsome man to stay for one more?” She’s smilin’ with them dimples. And I shouldn’t but it’s still so early. I give in and sit back down and she’s orderin’ another round.

I pull out more cash to pay, “I got it.”

“No.." she's pushin' my hand away, "this one’s on me.” She’s brushin’ her black hair out her face, “and if this really is the last one for ya… drink it reeaaalll slllooowww..” She winks.

Talkin’ to this girl ain’t comin’ all that easy for me and I don’t know why. She’s very pretty but.. I ain’t feelin’ like flirtin’ with her. I ain’t feelin’ like tryin’ none. I did good today with work, talkin’ to customers and gettin’ shit done. Fuckin’ ‘round with Merle too since he been hangin’ on my fuckin’ balls all of a sudden tryin’ to be a dysfunctional family. Now Kara. But I think I’m done for the day with human interaction. I just wanna get in my truck and drive home so I can eat junk and lay on my couch til I pass out. 

“You don’t talk much..” she’s drinkin’.

“Sorry.. I’m fuckin’ borin’..” I grunt.

"But... you're definitely not... I can absolutely tell.."

"What do you like to do... for fun and stuff?" Fun and stuff.. the fuck am I 14?

"I love to dance.. actually used to do ballet, if you can believe it.."

My eyes widen, "Yeah, I believe it.."

"I love music, movies, spinnin'.. God, I love to spin.."

"Spinnin'? Like... twirlin' around?" I'm askin' cause I really don't know what she means.

She starts laughin', "Damn you're cute.." she shakes her head, "Spinnin' is this exercise class where you're clipped onto this bike and just go with the music. Slow, at first maybe... then hard and fast.."

"Sounds like fun.." No it fuckin' don't.. 

"Try it! You'll be hooked!" she's drinkin' more wine, "What about you?"

"What?"

"Fun and stuff?" she's leanin' in some, gettin' closer and I'm not too sure how I'm feelin' 'bout that.

"I ride.. hunt..That's pretty much it." My default answer.

"Motorcycles, I'm guessin'.."

"Tricycles."

"I knew it.. knew why I gravitated towards you.." She's lookin' at me.

"Tricycles?"

"No.. silly.. I always find the guys who ride.. the bad boys.. the ones who chew you up and spit ya right out.. Fuck like no other and maybe never call ya again.."

Them eyes are on me and she’s just starin’ at my lips, partin’ hers like she’s wantin’ to say somethin’. I’m grabbin’ my drink and suckin’ it down some.

“Wanna get outta here?” She’s bitin’ her bottom lip, raisin’ an eyebrow and blushin’.

“Where you tryin’ to go?” I ain’t sure if she’s sayin’ what I think she’s sayin’ and I ain’t tryin’ to jump to conclusions.

“I dunno..” she shrugs, “Your place? The backseat of your car? The bathroom? Anywhere we can be alone.. Sorry if I'm bein' too forward..”

This kinda fuckin’ shit never happens to me. Fuckin’ never. And the one time it does.. with a nice lookin’ girl.. and I can’t.. I ain’t ready.. I just fuckin’ can’t..

“I can't..” I shake my head, “I got a girlfriend waitin' on me.”

“Oh..” Kara’s face falls a little, “Guess I shoulda asked that first, huh? I mean.. of course you have a girlfriend..”

“I’m sorry..” I finish up my drink, “It was nice meetin’ ya.. maybe I’ll run into ya when you’re visitin’ again..”

“Without a girlfriend?” She blushes makin’ a pouty face.

I laugh, “Thanks for the drink, Kara with a K.”

“Well.. if you must go.. until next time, rodeo clown.” She’s winkin’ and watchin’ me walk out. 

I stand outside for a minute and light up a smoke. Wonderin’ if that girl was even real or if this shit was one of them hidden camera fuckin’ moments, cause that’s what it kinda felt like. I just turned down sex with a decent, pretty lady who lives miles away and wouldn’t even be tryin’ to get serious cause it wouldn’t work. A perfect fuckin’ rebound for me. But I got zero interest. I can’t even jerk off. I’m all fucked up still and I ain’t even close to bein’ ready. I’m lookin’ at Kara and already dismissin’ her cause she ain’t got no tattoos and them big eyes are the wrong color. And she’s too damn tall and don’t got that accent. She ain’t the one I’m in love with and them wounds are still too fresh. But when and if that day comes and I’m ready, I’mma be back here hopin’ I see her again. Merle ain’t never gonna know ‘bout this. Nobody is. I’ll never hear the fuckin’ end of it.

I finish my cigarette and walk back to my truck. Been a long day and I’m ready to just unwind and do nothin’. I drive home slow with the windows down just enjoyin’ the air and I’m realizin’ how borin’ I am. I really had nothin’ else to say to that girl? So I beat myself up for bein’ a lame little bitch the rest of the way home, stoppin’ to get some pizza first. It ain’t New York pizza, but it’s somethin’ and I’m hungry. My apartment is startin’ to smell like a fuckin’ ashtray and I’m noticin’ it now since bein’ out in the fresh air for once. I crack open a few windows and sit down to eat, turnin’ on the TV. That damn hockey game. I flip through the channels and nothin’s on so I put on ‘Aliens’. One of my favorite movies. And it’s startin’ to kinda feel ok again.. me just existin’. I might not be really livin’ like I was with her, but I ain’t dead. I guess I’m ok with that if I gotta be.

The movie ends and I get up to close them windows and clean the mess I made. I did a slight food shoppin’ the other day and treated myself to some ginger ale, which is probably why I been orderin’ it with my whiskey. Anyway, I pour me a glass with some ice, turn out all the lights and lock the door and head into my bedroom. It’s 11 o’clock and I’m not that tired so I take off my clothes and just lay down, messin’ around on my phone. Watchin’ stupid fuckin’ YouTube videos and wastin’ time. My eyes start gettin’ heavy so I plug my phone in and try and sleep. The pathetic play by play of my life. And instead of sleepin’, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout what it’d be like if I took Kara home.. would I even be able to get it goin’? I’d be makin’ a damn ass of myself.. I know it. And I’d be fuckin’ Kara thinkin’ ‘bout Chase.. Usin’ her as a damn livin’ sex doll so I can pretend to fuck my ex-girlfriend who don't want me.. that shit ain’t fair.. I ain’t the type of guy that needs sex every fuckin’ 5 minutes. I ain't like Merle. I ain’t never really been used to gettin’ it on the regular anyway until I met Chase.. Mmmm.. Chase.. that inked up little body… I never gave no thought to girls with tattoos til her.. she got me findin’ ‘em so sexy now.. same with latin chicks.. I’m imaginin’ her naked under me and I’m gettin’ hard. Shit, I guess it still works.. I wrap my hand ‘round my semi hard cock and work on it some.. maybe I need this.. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout her body and that pussy and the way she tastes.. rememberin’ what she feels like.. 

Fuck. It ain’t workin’. Just ain’t gonna happen. The fact that I’mma probably never get the chance to be with her like that again keeps seepin’ in like the fuckin’ black plague. I let go of my dick and pull my boxers back up. I’mma try and shut my brain off and sleep. 

Midnight.. 1 am.. sleep ain’t fuckin’ comin’ and the clock is just movin' like crazy closer to my damn alarm goin' off. I’m tired of tossin’ around so I sit up and turn the lamp on, grabbin’ my phone and instagram stalkin’ Chase.. I’m shakin’ my head at my damn self as I’m checkin’ if she posted anythin’ new.. and she ain’t post nothin’ since New York. Unless she got a new secret account that she made cause she knew I was gonna creep on her. Overthinkin’ again.. 

Ehh.. I go to put my phone back on the night stand and it starts makin’ noises. Fuckin’ Merle.. if that other shoe just dropped, I ain’t prepared to pick it up at no 1:30 in the damn mornin’. Not this fuckin’ time..

My heart stops, then speeds up beatin’ right outta my chest. My face is on fire.. My entire body. I’m sweatin’ and I’m nervous. I’m fuckin’ afraid to open up them texts. Chase. I feel like I ain’t breathin’ right and if I thought I had any chance at sleepin’ tonight, that ain’t fuckin’ happenin’ now. I swallow hard and open up the thread, my eyes, mind and heart goin’ a mile a minute.. calm the fuck down, Daryl..

 

‘Daryl Dixon... I need to see you.’  
‘I know what I said.. and didnt say.. I know I have nerve even reaching out to you like this and I know it isn’t fair... Im a fucking mess…but can we talk???’  
‘Now????’  
‘Are you awake?? Can I come over??? I cant do this anymore..’  
‘It’s that stupid fucking whore, Chase btw.. Im sure you deleted my number..’

 

I don’t know what to do and I ain’t sure what to say. Yes. Fuck yes.. I want you to come over. Right now.. That’s all I ever fuckin’ want.. and I’m putty in her hands again.. just like that.. floatin' on that damn illusion of hope.. or maybe it's the real fuckin' thing this time..

 

‘Come over.. I can come get you..’

 

I need to see you too.. So fuckin’ bad… I wanna tell everythin'… but I gotta keep my fuckin’ cool.. them little painted lightnin’ fingers I missed so much:

 

‘No.. dont be silly.. Im on my way..’

 

It ain’t really happenin’ is it? Fuck… I’m so fuckin’ nervous and anxious. I jump up and start cleanin’ my apartment. I run in the bathroom and fix myself up cause I’m sure I look like shit since I ain’t been givin’ a fuck. I freshen up and throw on some decent clothes. I’m pacin’ ‘round my livin’ room tryin’ to fuckin’ chill out and it ain’t workin’. Gettin’ myself prepared cause in a few minutes, I’m gonna see her again and I fuckin’ swear I ain’t lettin’ her walk out my life this time. I can’t lose her twice.


	21. Touch Me Or Don't

I can’t sit still. I’m fidgetin’, tappin’ my foot and playin’ with my hands. Get here already.. I’m lookin’ at the time and it ain’t even feelin’ like it’s movin’..it’s fuckin’ crawlin’. 10 minutes since she texted me sayin’ she was on her way. She ain’t got my truck so I ain’t sure how she’s gettin’ here but if she’s in a vehicle of any kind, she oughta be here any minute. I’m overheatin’ and thirsty, so I get up and walk to the kitchen to pour myself some water. I can’t fuckin’ wait to see her, but I ain’t tryin’ to act like no fool neither. Gotta do my best to keep it together. She says she’s needin’ to see me but that don’t necessarily mean she’s wantin’ to be my girlfriend again..

It’s almost 2 in the mornin’ and it’s so quiet in my apartment but my heart beat is so damn loud, it’s actually freakin’ me out. Just when I think I ain’t gonna be able to take it no more, little fists knockin’ on my door. The girl of my dreams is on the other side and the only thing separatin' us is that thick piece of wood, just like the bar.. like the first time we met..

Shit.. what do I do? Ummm… fuckin’ let her in, you goddamn stupid fuck..

I put the glass of water down and walk toward the door, anxious as fuck. I’m breathin’ like I’m tryin’ to catch my breath and my skin is feelin’ all tingly. My stomach is in knots and my head kinda hurts as I unlock the door and open it. And same as the first time I ever laid eyes on that girl, she steals my heart and takes my damn breath away..

She ain’t wearin’ them big ass boots and she’s even smaller than I remember. Even more beautiful. She got on a tight little black hoodie and them black yoga pants she wears. She’s lookin’ up at me with them big brown eyes real wide and glassy. She ain’t wearin’ no makeup and it looks like she been cryin’ some. That thick, long dark hair all out and wavy. I’m feelin’ all kindsa overwhelmed seein' her again and I can tell she is too.

She starts laughin’ and cryin’ all at the same time and puts her hand over her mouth, mumblin’, “Oh my fuckin’ God..”

Next thing I know, she’s jumpin’ in my arms and I’m holdin’ her and I ain’t at all prepared to ever let this girl go. Never again. I steal her into my apartment and shut the door and she got little legs and arms wrapped ‘round me so tight. Buryin’ her pretty face in my neck and I can feel them lips I missed so much kissin’ on me, sendin’ shivers down my spine.

“Daryl Dixon…” she’s whisperin’, warm breath on my skin, givin’ me goosebumps, “I miss you so fucking much..”

I can feel her tremblin’, her heart beatin’ so fast against my chest. She’s feelin’ things.. she can’t say she ain’t this time. I ain't acceptin' none of that. We hold each other for a few minutes but it ain’t seemin’ long enough and she unwraps herself from around me and I’m settin’ that slight little body down. She’s shaky, and wipin’ her face, grabbin’ for my hand and I’m kinda shaky too. Feelin’ so much and I ain’t sure what to do with it cause I wanna grab her and kiss her. Take her straight to my bed and make all the love I can to her until the sun comes up and then some.

I feel like I’m a kid all nervous and not knowin’ what the hell to do with myself. She’s gigglin’, smilin’ real big and leadin’ me to the couch, holdin' my hand. We sit down and I can’t keep my eyes and hands off her cause I’m still thinkin’ this ain’t real and I’m dreamin’ her up like I always do. I’m squeezin’ on her little shoulder and touchin’ her hair, just studyin’ everythin’ ‘bout her. She got them pouty lips parted and we’re lookin’ at each other like we’re both in awe. Sayin’ so much without even sayin’ a word.

“Your hair got longer..” She’s gigglin’, blushin’ and runnin’ little painted fingers through my mop.

“Did it?” I’m smilin’ like crazy and my face is gettin’ hotter. Her touch is sendin’ electric jolts through my body and I ain’t wantin’ it to stop.

We both go to start talkin’ at the same time and bust out laughin’. And it’s feelin’ like nothin’s changed.. yet everythin’s changed.. I can’t really explain it. It ain’t at all a bad thing.. it just is.

“I don’t even know where to start..” She’s sighin’, her cheeks all flushed.

“Been a while..” I’m pushin’ her hair behind her ear, “Never stopped thinkin’ ‘bout ya.. missin’ ya every damn second…” I pause, “you’re so fuckin’ beautiful.”

“Oh God… I look like hell…” She’s shakin’ her head, lookin’ down, “I’m a fucking mess..”

I put my finger under her chin and lift that pretty head back up and she's gazin’ at me with them eyes that get me every time. I’m losin’ myself in her again and nothin’ else matters but right now. I’m wantin’ to kiss her and she’s smellin’ like her shampoo and I missed it so much. Missed her so fuckin’ much.

“Stop that.” I’m bringin’ the back of her delicate little hand to my lips, kissin’ it.

She pauses, takin’ a deep breath then exhalin’, “Daryl.. I -”

“Before you say anythin’... I just want you to know.. I ain't been mad at you all this time.. just frustrated.. mad at myself, cause you were right… you fuckin’ told me.. I know ya did.. but.. at the same damn time…” I shake my head, “I don't know, Chase...”

“Go ahead.. finish.. at the same damn time, what?”

“Them things you say and then them things you be doin… and the way you act with me… they just ain’t addin’ up.. always leavin’ me confused.. I’m wantin’ you to be honest with me..”

“And I’m here to be honest with you, Daryl.. I want to tell you everything because.. I need to get it out.. It’s killing me.. Just.. everything..”

“Alright then… I’m listenin’..”

“Ok... I’m just gonna put it all out there.. I don’t know if it’s gonna make sense.. I’m trying to make sense..” She’s sighin’ and lookin’ away, kinda strugglin’ with formin' sentences. Seemin’ like she got so much to say and she ain’t knowin’ where to start or what words to use. And I know the feelin’.

She exhales and turns her attention on me again, “Since the night we met things have just.. I mean… everything just… changed… and it all happened so fast.. all it was supposed to be was a no strings attached fling.. maybe fuck buddies.. you walked in and I’ve never been more physically attracted to another human being...ever… I legit creamed myself…” she softly giggles, “I wanted to fuck you, so I did...clearly... we established this.. but.. Just fuck buddies? It never fucking felt that way.. when I said we had a connection, I meant it.. it was so weird and foreign and awesome and fucking scary… I never met someone that I felt so comfortable with.. so…” she snaps her fingers, “Fucking instantly... I mean… since day 1 we’ve literally had effortless conversations, found that we actually had shit in common…had so much fun together.. even when we were just sitting around doing nothing... I definitely wanted to see you again.. and again.. fuck, I never wanted to not be around you.. every time we hung out and slept together, I craved more of you… it was never enough and I couldn’t fucking help myself… how scary is that? I mean… I felt like I was going insane.. tripping over myself… you know my story... how I ended up here...literally just fucking passing through.. traveling around and just being.. away from everyone.. and on my first fucking stop in my new life… we crashed course and everything I planned for myself… I just.. questioned if I even wanted it anymore.. just like that.. Outta fucking nowhere.. I didn't know what the fuck any of it meant and it scared me shitless.. you fucking scared me to death.”

I’m watchin’ her lips move just listenin’. Everythin’ she’s tellin’ me is exactly what I was feelin’ for her. What I’m still feelin’. I could actually talk to her.. and I wanted to.. that shit never came natural or easy for me. not just with girls, with nobody. But with this girl, I could tell her anythin’. I wanna tell her how I get it.. everythin’ she’s sayin’.. how I was scared too. Questioned my whole life like I ain't even been livin’ it til I met her. Cause truth is, I ain't been. But I wanna hear everythin’ she's wantin’ to say to me right now cause it's long overdue and she already knows how I feel ‘bout her. She's spillin’ her guts out and I’m takin’ it all in. Feelin’ a mix of all kindsa things. Happy, nervous, anxious, fuckin’ scared cause I don’t know what the hell is gonna come out her mouth cause she’s been a damn walkin’ contradiction since I known her... I just don’t know..

“Things were moving faster with us by the day and I kept having to remind myself that we literally had just met because it felt like I've known you my whole life.. maybe even before that.. I tried to keep pulling back... holding back.. it was just too new and I was feeling too much and I never, ever fucking let myself feel… I just don't and I hate it and I hate being vulnerable and exposed… and weak… but with you, Daryl… I never stood a chance.. didn’t have a choice… I was terrified.. losing control by the minute…” she pauses, “when I got mad at you for going out that night.. when you were with Mike and shit.. I was jealous. I was upset because you were having fun without me.. that’s the truth.. It’s so fucking stupid and ridiculous, I know... but see what I mean? I was going out of my mind because I couldn’t control my own feelings... like, who does that? And when you came over and.. I told you about my anxiety and stupid fucking depression bullshit and.. how horrible and self destructive I am and…” she’s fightin’ back tears, snifflin’, “Daryl I was trying to scare you away.. I mean, it was all the truth but I couldn’t handle it so I wanted you to be the one to leave me.. but what do you do? You go and fucking make me feel better! You fucking go and like me even more!” she’s shakin’ her head, a tear fallin’ down her face and she’s kinda laughin’. Feelin’ all kindsa things too.. “I put up this front and raised my walls higher and avoided the ‘feelings’ conversations..” she's throwin’ up little finger air quotes..

“And we have the most amazing, intense sex.. but it’s not just sex with you.. It’s not.. It’s so much more.. I felt it the first time we kissed… the first time I felt you inside me... you just don't even know... it fucking felt so right.. the way it was always supposed to feel.. and THAT fucking petrified me.. but again, I’m losing control and my heart and my head are conflicted because as much as I wanna scale things back, I can’t… because you’re a fucking drug.. I needed you.. I was addicted.. I hated it.. but...I really didn’t.. I don't.. I mean, I never fucking needed anyone before..” she’s pausin’, wipin’ the tears from her face, “And fucking then... New York was… it…” she's strugglin’ with her words, puttin’ a hand over her face then pullin’ her hair to one side, “It felt like another world.. like.. where just you and me existed.. I feel like I really, really fucking saw you.. I mean I know I saw who you were since day one, but… those days we spent together.. in my city…with my family... I don't know, Daryl.. it was too much.. there you were, this man who's fucking perfect and.. amazing… and… you fucking adore me… you’re even effortlessly getting along with my crazy family and my mother clearly loves you already.. and she can fucking see right through my bullshit… even my mother could see how happy I was… how happy you fucking make me... I freaked the fuck out...I don't feel things like this.. ever.. for anyone.. it's not how it was supposed to be. You.. us… it's just not part of who I am.. part of who I ever was.. who I thought I was...I'm not supposed to be capable of being with someone.. giving myself to someone.. loving them.. accepting them...because I never have.. and I never will..”

“So.. you ended up pushin’ me away.. like you said you was gonna..”

She’s startin’ to cry and I’m tryin’ not to cause seein’ her like that and hearin’ everythin’ she’s admittin’ to me now that she never could before, is weighin’ real heavy. On both of us. And I still don’t know if she’s wantin’ to get back together or if she just gotta unload on me for closure. To make herself feel better. I don’t know if she’s gonna leave again. And I ain’t too sure I could take all that.

“You were the one who passed me that note..askin’ me to be your boyfriend.. takin’ it to the next level then gettin’ mad at me for tellin’ you how I was feelin’. Tryin’ to build somethin’ with you.. I just.. I get what you’re sayin’.. it just still got me crazy confused cause if you didn’t want all that.. you shoulda just said so before we got into a damn official relationship..” I ain’t mad.. but I’m just tryin’ to understand..

“I did want that.. but I didn’t.. I can’t even fucking explain myself.. I wanted you.. but I didn’t.. I know I’m still making no fucking sense..” she’s coverin’ her face for a minute, then lookin’ back up at me, “I’m a cruel fucking joke, Daryl.. this is why I had to let you go.. I was fucking with your emotions.. you were so obviously ready for this.. and I wasn’t.. I didn’t know what the hell I was feeling and clearly what the hell I wanted.. maybe it's the age difference... I don't know.. point is, it was terrible and unfair and I just couldn’t keep stringing you along anymore while I figured my shit out..”

We sit, not talkin’ for a minute and I’m goin’ over them things she’s sayin’ in my head. Lettin’ it all sink in and tryin’ to fill in all the missin’ gaps of the last few months of my life. And we’re still holdin’ hands, our palms kinda sweaty from all the adrenaline and feelin’s and shit. I’m bitin’ the fuck outta my bottom lip, tryin’ not to draw blood and she’s tappin’ her foot real fast and we ain’t lookin’ at each other.

“I get it.” I break up the silence cause I gotta. We gotta talk. I can feel them beautiful eyes on me so I let mine find ‘em and we’re holdin’ eye contact. I kinda let out a crooked awkward smile and she notices, kinda smilin’ back at me. I’m tryin’ to find all them things I been wantin’ to say to her all these damn weeks that went by, but nothin’s tryin’ to come out. I wanna tell her how much I love her.. It’s on the tip of my tongue cause it fuckin’ always is but.. I don’t know..

“Daryl.. I don’t know why I am the way I am.. I don’t wanna be..”

“I know what that feels like.. not knowin’ why I gotta be a certain way and wishin’ I could be somebody else.. you know I do.. I told you things I never told nobody.. you know shit ‘bout me I ain’t never said out loud...not even to myself.. you’re the only person I ever trusted. I mean..”

“You don’t trust me anymore..” she’s noddin’, tears in her eyes.

I close my eyes for a second then look at her again, “I ain’t tryin’ to make you feel bad.. but you fuckin’ broke my heart..” I’m tryin’ not to get fuckin’ emotional again but it ain’t workin’, “I’m still hurtin’.. it ain’t been easy on me.. you’re here right now... but it still feels like you ain’t and I can’t explain that but it is what it is.. I know I texted you all them things and left you all them damn voicemails.. and everythin’ I was sayin’ is true.. and I know you got all this shit to figure out and go through.. but it’s hard for me not to feel like you never gave a fuck ‘bout my feelin’s.. got me just feelin’ kicked to the side like I ain’t nothin’.. you coulda explained yourself better.. instead of just..” I pause.. Cause I don’t fuckin’ know what the hell I’m sayin’.. It’s just comin’ out..

“Just what, Daryl?” her voice is barely there and all broken up.

“Sayin’... the last thing you said to me.. before runnin’ off.. then not fuckin’ talkin’ to me.. at all.. Ignorin’ me like I ain’t a person.. my fuckin’ feelin’s mean nothin’ to you.. maybe they don’t.. They never fuckin’ did anyway to anybody else.. So I get it.. but.. I dunno.. I thought it was actually different with you. First person who mighta cared ‘bout me.. even a little...and honestly, I still ain’t even sure ‘bout that.”

She’s cryin’ and I’m lettin’ one roll down my face.. but that’s it.. I don’t wanna cry no more..

“Daryl.. no.. it’s not even like that.. I care about you so much…” tears are streamin’ down her pretty face and them big beautiful eyes are all red and glassy. She’s shakin’ and sueezin’ on my hand and I know it’s so fucked up.. but a part of me wants her to feel bad.. cause I been goin’ through hell.. and she needs to fuckin’ understand..

“I just wanna know how you really feel ‘bout me. I wanna know the truth.. don’t disregard me. I said I’mma be waitin’ but that don’t mean forever..” nah.. I'm gonna never be able to stop waitin' on her.. but she can’t know that.. I’mma have to grow balls when it comes to her at some point..

Back to silence. She’s wipin’ her face with her sleeve and snifflin’, grabbin’ up my other hand with her free one. And this time she starts talkin’ first..

“Hear me out ok.. don’t go crazy.. just... let me finish…” she’s shakin’ and tryin’ to compose herself, “Today.. ummm... I had an early shift.. and after work…I mean.. not just randomly… but... I kinda been casually talking to this guy… and -”

“The hell you tryin’ to say me?” I snap, lookin’ at her with a face I ain’t able to describe. My heart is beatin’ out my chest and my head feels like it’s ‘bout to explode. Don’t fuckin’ tell me..

“Let me finish..”

“Chastity.. don’t do this to me..”

“Daryl.. I swear to God let me finish..”

I’m takin’ a deep breath and I ain’t lookin’ at her, preparin’ to hear shit I don’t fuckin’ wanna hear. Gettin’ ready to hurt all over again. Cause that’s what’s comin’.. and I hope I’m fuckin’ wrong.. I better fuckin’ be wrong and overthinkin’ like usual..

“It doesn’t matter how or who or fucking what.. I just decided that I needed to see if I could... be with someone else..”

I’m lettin’ her hands go and she’s fightin’ with me, holdin’ on. Pullin’ me toward her and I’m not fuckin’ tryin’ to hear this shit..

“Daryl… stop.. I don’t haveto tell you this, but I fucking need to!”

“Tell me what? That you fucked somebody else?! You needin’ to fuckin’ tell me that shit?!” I let her hands go and stand up, pacin’ cause I ain’t prepared to deal with this.. I can’t handle this, “You get off on fuckin’ hurtin’ me..”

“Daryl, no! I-”

“Who the fuck is he? Cause he’s dead.” I’mma go to jail.. and it’s fine.. cause I ain’t got nothin’ to lose.

“I didn’t fuck him! Would you just relax?!” she’s standin’ up, raisin’ her voice and cryin’, “If you would let me fucking finish instead of assuming!”

I’m puttin’ my hand over my face.. then rubbin’ on the back of my neck.. I’m feelin’ really fuckin’ stupid.. I’m wishin’ we could fast forward to the damn end of this shit cause I don’t know what she’s gettin’ at and I’m sick of the fuckin’ roller coaster we been on. I’m ready to fuckin’ get off at this point.

“Can we sit?” She’s grabbin’ for my hands and I’m hesitatin’ but lettin’ her. And we sit and she starts talkin’ again, “I’ve been absolutely fucking miserable and I know I only have myself to blame for it all.. and I still wasn’t fucking sure if it was.. If I was..” she’s fumblin’ her words, “what I’m tryin’ to say is an opportunity for a rebound presented itself and I couldn’t even fucking do it! Daryl, I couldn’t... I didn’t sleep with him, I tried to.. Like in my mind I thought.. hey, if you sleep with this guy you’ll forget about missing Daryl and then you can move the fuck on and run off again.. and then run off again, to fucking somewhere else after that.. but instead, I started crying like a fucking idiot and I got up, grabbed my shit and left… because he isn’t you and I couldn’t fucking do it.. I didn’t wanna do it! And it made me realize what I’ve known all along and was too stupid and afraid to accept.” She’s grabbin’ up both my hands again and she’s squeezin’ ‘em tight, more tears comin’ down, “but I do now.. I don’t wanna be with anyone else.. I don’t want my old life, Daryl.. I don’t.. I can never forgive myself for what I did to you.. what I did to us.. but as crazy as it sounds, I had to let you go to realize how fucking stupid I’ve been... and you were fucking right.. I wasn’t telling you the truth.. I fucking messed up, baby.. but I swear to you, I’m ready for this.. I’m ready for you.. I’m not afraid anymore and..” she starts cryin’, “I miss you so fucking much.. I’m not alive without you... I want you back.. I want what we had back.. all of it..and if you’ll have me, I promise I’m always gonna be honest with you.. About everything.. always.. I can’t live without you.. I don’t fucking want to.. not anymore..” she’s lookin’ in my eyes, holdin’ my hands, “I love you, Daryl Dixon.. I’m so fucking in love with you..”

She’s jumpin’ in my arms again and she’s cryin’ them beautiful eyes out and I’m processin’ what she just said.. and.. what’s happenin’...and.. fuck.. my insides are all over the place and it feels like I’m more alive and awake than I ever been. Nobody ever said them words to me and for the first time in my life, I’m feelin’ like everythin’s really gonna be ok. I actually, without a doubt, love another livin’ breathin’ person and she’s feelin’ the same way. I’m overwhelmed and I.. I don’t even know what to do.. I’m kinda still not believin’ it, replayin’ it over in my head and I’m so fuckin’ happy right now..but I’m still kinda nervous and I want this so bad.. I’m holdin’ her and pullin’ her up onto my lap. We start kissin’ and them electric jolts are back. I missed this girl so much and she’s never gonna know cause I ain’t gonna be able to explain it. And I’m runnin’ my hands all over them perfect curves she got, like the first time I ever touched her. I all about lost hope in ever bein’ able to be with her like this again and I ain’t gonna take it for granted.

“I love you..” she’s sayin’ against my lips while we’re kissin’.. and I’m sayin’ it back cause I can tell her over and over til I breathe my last breath.

“I love you, too..” I’m grabbin’ her tighter and pullin’ her in closer and we start makin’ out like crazy and my body’s reactin’ to what we’re doin’. She’s lettin’ out a eager moan and I can’t take it no more. I gotta have her. And she’s back to readin’ my mind again.. this damn girl..

“I need you..” she’s cryin’ out like she’s desperate, unzippin’ her hoodie and takin’ it off, wearin’ just a black lace bra underneath. I’m kissin’ on her neck and her chest, unhookin’ her bra and slippin’ it off and she's beggin’ me to touch her. I can’t stop kissin’ her and I’m makin’ damn sure to love on every inch of her soft skin.. them inked up arms.. little freckles along her collarbone.. I’m grippin’ on that slight little waist and she's so damn small, it's makin' my hands look massive. So fuckin' hot. I'm suckin’ on them perfect nipples and she’s grabbin’ on my shoulders, throwin’ her head back. Grindin’ into my lap and I can feel the heat risin’ between them thighs teasin’ me. I lift her up and she’s wrappin’ herself around me, kissin’ on me as I’m carryin’ her into my room layin’ her down on the bed. I practically rip my clothes off, gettin' rid of 'em cause I ain’t tryin’ to waste no time. And she already kicked them pants and shoes off, pullin’ them lace panties down. I’m crawlin’ over her and she’s grabbin’ me and we’re huggin’ and kissin’ pressin’ against each other. I’m layin’ on top of her, cradlin' her and she’s wrappin’ little limbs around me. And I could just be with her like this and be satisfied cause like I said, the sex is a bonus.

We’re rollin’ around naked on my bed just touchin’ and kissin’ and it feels so fuckin' good. She pulls me back on top, holdin’ my face in them little hands and my fingers are sneakin’ further south findin’ that beautiful wet slice and she’s moanin’, spreadin’ wider for me.. I'm rubbin' on her clit and she’s bitin’ on my earlobe, breathin’ real heavy and it got me goin’ outta my mind. She's grabbin' my cock, guidin' me to her openin’ and she's so fuckin’ wet, I'm slidin’ right in. She gasps and moans as I'm fillin’ her up inch by inch and like usual with her, I gotta stop myself from cummin’ right then and there. We're pressed together, breathin’ and movin’ in perfect rhythm. She feels like home. A home I never had and always wanted. Our bodies and souls are connectin' like never before and the planets are finally alignin'. Nothin' matters and nobody else exists but us and I'm pushin’ myself deep inside, thrustin' in and out of her and she's makin’ them sex sounds I missed so much. I'm grindin’ my hips like I know she likes it and she got her hands on my ass now pullin' me closer. Her breaths shorten and her heart is poundin' against mine and I don't think neither of us are gonna be able to hold back much longer. She feels even better than I remember and I can tell she ain't holdin' back or hidin' from me this time. I can fuckin' feel it and it's the most intense energy I ever felt and I ain't prepared to describe it cause there ain't no words worthy. And it's fuckin' blowin' my mind..

She’s holdin’ my face again, kissin’ me and whisperin’, “I love you..”

And them three words send me over the edge. I gotta say it back cause I'm feelin' it too, so I do and we’re kissin’ deeper and breathin’ heavier and cummin’ at the same damn time. She's cryin’ out against my lips and I can feel them tight walls squeezin' hard around my cock while I'm lettin’ go inside of her. I'm moanin’ cause it feels so fuckin’ crazy incredible and she's still convulsin' under me. It ain't just physical pleasure.. it's so much more than that. It's like a whole 'nother dimension.

We both start comin’ down from our orgasms and everythin’ we talked ‘bout.. everythin’ that just happened smacks me in the face. I'm feelin’ delirious, like I'm floatin’ up in them stars in the sky cause I got my girl back. She could be with anybody else.. anywhere else.. and she's here with me. Tellin’ me she loves me. Bein’ with me like this and lettin’ herself feel. And it's simple as all hell when you really think ‘bout it.. two people findin' each other and fittin’ into this world together, makin’ each other happy.. and that's really all I want. To just exist with this girl. Make her laugh and take fuckin’ walks on the beach and all that. Get us our own place so I can wake up next to her every day. Drink a beer and tell stupid jokes. Simple, normal shit. I'm feelin’ like it's for real this time. Deep down in my heart I know it is. I'm gonna take care of her and do everythin’ I can to give her the best life. Cause even though she drives me fuckin’ crazy, she deserves it. And I love the hell outta that girl and I'mma make sure she knows it every single day.

I climb off her and we get under the bed sheets and tangle up in each other again. I'm holdin’ her in my arms and she's snugglin' into me and we're just layin’ in silence but it's ok cause we don't gotta say nothin’. I kiss her head and she got little painted fingers in my hair and there's a calm in me. I'm safe in her arms just like she's safe in mine. I don't even know what else to say. I'm at a loss for words. And if this is just a damn dream, I'm hopin' I never wake up.


	22. Chicken Nuggets, No Onions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I had to repost this chapter.. for some reason the entire thing didn't post.. Here's the entire update :)

She was here with me.. she was.. It wasn’t no dream cause I can still feel her. That girl's scent is all over me and I'm tastin' her in my mouth. My body’s tryin’ to wake up but my mind’s runnin’ all over the place already. What if it really was just a fuckin’ dream? With my damn luck, I wouldn’t even be surprised. The blankets pulled all the way up over most of my face and it feels like my hair’s coverin’ up the rest. I wanna reach out to make sure she’s next to me but I’m afraid to cause if she ain’t…man, I dunno... fuck… I slowly open up my eyes and my heart stops, findin’ big beautiful brown ones starin’ back at me. She’s wide awake and she's here in my bed layin' on her side facin’ me. Chastity. The most beautiful girl in the world. Fuck yeah.

“Hi.” she’s smilin’, runnin’ little fingers through my hair, pushin’ it out my face.

I’m instantly feelin’ awake again, peekin’ my head out from under the sheets. My hand's findin’ that sexy curve where them hips dive into that slim little waist. And yeah.. my girls body is fuckin’ ridiculous.

“I’m being creepy and watching you sleep..” she’s speakin’ real soft, smilin' just the same.

I can't help but smile a little too, “C’mere..”

She cuddles up into me and I got my arms ‘round her, holdin’ her as close as I can. I’m kissin’ her head and she’s kissin’ on my chest, lettin’ out a cute sigh, “Don’t go to work today. Let’s just lay here.. like it's your birthday in New York..”

“Wish I could.”

“Why can’t you?” she’s lookin’ up at me and I ain’t too sure I'm prepared to resist them eyes. But I gotta. Cause the way I been not goin’ to work these days and mopin' 'round like somebody shot my dog, I’mma really lose my job and even though I talk alotta shit, I can’t afford all that right now. ‘Specially with a girlfriend cause I ain’t tryna have her pay for shit. Real men take care of what’s theirs. I learned that on my own.

“TJ’s been ridin’ my ass cause..” I pause, feelin’ stupid, “I ain’t had the best days since you left.. we ain’t gotta talk ‘bout all that, I’m just sayin’.”

I feel her squeezin’ on me a little tighter and I don’t think she needs to know how fuckin’ bad I let shit get since the last time I saw her. I’m embarrassed and kinda mad at myself, but I know dwellin’ on it ain’t gonna change the fact that it happened.

“I’m so fucking sorry, baby..”

“Don’t be. It’s over. Done.” I’m lookin’ at her so she knows I mean it, “Just wanna focus on you bein’ here now... and you lovin’ me..”

She blushes, “And you loving me?” she’s lookin’ up at me like she ain’t sure.

“Mmmhhmm..”

“So.. we’re back together, right? For real, for real?”

Why she keep askin’ me shit she should already be knowin’ the answers to? Seemin’ like the tables turned some. But I ain’t exactly wantin’ her to start feelin’ insecure neither. Just want a balance. That's all I ever wanted with her. Us to be on the same damn page for once.

“That’s what I want. Do you?” I’m askin’, hopin’ she don’t hesitate.. and she don’t..

“More than anything.”

I’m touchin’ her face and we’re just lookin’ at each other. We start kissin’, but just for a minute, then she lays her head back down on my chest. And I don’t know why, but my stupid mind takes me back to her tellin’ me ‘bout that fuckin’ guy and my damn eye starts twitchin’. I wanna just leave it alone and not ruin the moment cause she’s what all this is ‘bout.. and she’s finally back in my bed sayin’ she’s wantin’ to be with me. So I wanna leave it alone.. I really do..

“Who the hell’s that guy?” fuckin’ can’t just keep my damn mouth shut, “One tryin’ to fuck ya?”

“Daryl..” she’s lookin’ back up at me with that eyebrow. Shit, I missed this girl..

I shrug, runnin’ my hands over her skin. Her back and them little inked up arms, “I know.. I know.. It ain’t nothin’.. yeah, yeah, yeah.. who is he? I know ‘em?”

She’s layin’ back on my chest, “You don’t know him.”

“Then tell me..”

“No. Because I know you and you’ll find him and threaten him… or worse..”

“You protectin’ him?”

“Daryl fucking Dixon, I can’t with you..” she’s laughin’, “His name is Jeremy, he’s Penny’s cousin. He’s not that hot and was only here for a week. He’ll be on a plane by the time you get to work soooo… who fucking cares. I don’t!”

“Where’s he goin’?”

“Jesus...stalker much? Some-fucking-where overseas.. I barely paid attention when he spoke.”

“Military.”

“Yup.”

“You kiss him?”

“Nope.”

“Hhmmph.”

“Don’t be an asshole, Daryl.”

We’re layin’ not talkin’ for a minute and I’m grinnin’ to myself, touchin’ her soft skin all over. Penny’s cousin, huh? Punk ass bitch got nothin’ on me, “Guess I can’t fuck him up if he’s overseas..”

“Look at that! Guess you can’t..” she’s walkin’ little painted fingers across my chest and pokin’ on me.

“You workin’ today?” I’m changin’ the subject.

“Yeah, ugh.. but late..” she’s lookin’ up at me again, “It would be fucking amazing if you came by to see me for a little bit.. like old times..”

“Maybe I will..”

She starts kissin’ my chest and smellin’ on me, “Have I ever told you how obsessed I am with the way your skin smells?” she’s sniffin’ me up more, “Mmmmm.. so fucking good.”

“What I smell like?”

“Hhmmmm.. like... the man of my fucking dreams.”

“Jeremy?”

“Yoouuu.. are the fucking worst!” she’s grabbin’ a pillow and smackin’ me in the face with it, “I’m trying to be cute and romantic, fucker!”

Alright.. I kinda deserved all that. She’s sittin’ up lookin’ at me with that little smirk and attitude I missed so much. I’d be lyin’ if I said I wasn’t fuckin’ with her on purpose. Just a little bit. All that hair she got fallin’ into place perfectly and I’m still not believin’ all this is real. I’m reachin’ out to touch her again cause I can't stop, runnin’ my hands over her inked up skin, brushin’ against her bare breast. Damn, this girl got me wantin’ to just say fuck it and run away with her, “You know I’m kiddin’..”

“You’re a dickhead.” she’s shakin’ her head, throwin’ the covers off our naked bodies and climbin’ on top of me, straddlin’ me. She’s leanin’ over, her hair gettin’ in my face and I’m touchin’ on her and we start kissin’ again, “You..” she’s pressin’ them juicy lips to mine, flippin’ her hair to one side, “are so fucking lucky I love you..”

I wrap my arms ‘round that slight little body and she’s holdin’ my head and we’re just makin’ out. The sun is fuckin’ risin’ faster than I’m wantin’ it to and all I wanna do is what we’re doin’ right now all fuckin’ day for the rest of our lives. I’m grippin’ on them curves, pushin’ my hardness up against her and she’s respondin’, reachin’ down between us and grabbin’ on my dick. She’s adjustin’ herself, bringin’ my thick cock to her warm openin’ and sittin’ down on me, takin’ all of me inside her. She’s gaspin’ and moanin’ as I fill her up and I’m doin’ the same cause she feels so fuckin’ good. I missed bein’ this close to her. Bein’ connected to her like this. She’s movin’ that sexy little body, grindin’ them hips and pressin’ her hands down on my chest.

Just then my damn alarm goes off and I wanna throw that damn fuckin' phone across the room and break it. I’m distracted and the fuckin’ annoyin’ ass ringtone is pissin’ me off, ruinin’ the damn moment. I go to grab it and she’s pushin’ my hand away, knockin’ the phone off the nightstand, grabbin’ my hands and holdin’ them down up over my head, ridin’ me harder.

“No..” she’s breathin’ heavy, “I’m gonna make you cum..”

That damn phone keeps goin’ off but neither one of us is givin' a fuck. She lets go of my hands and sits up, movin’ faster and harder, bouncin’ on my cock. She’s lookin’ sexy as hell with her hair all over the place and them little tits shakin’. She’s fuckin’ the shit outta me and I ain’t even tryna hold back, grabbin’ that small ass waist, pushin’ myself deeper, blastin’ off inside her. Them goosebumps are back and I can't do nothin' 'bout them noises comin' out my mouth. And fuck.. that was pretty intense..

That damn fuckin’ alarm starts goin’ off again and she’s gigglin’, climbin’ off me, playfully givin’ my wet dick a kiss before pickin’ up my phone and shuttin’ that shit off. Fuckin’ thank you..

“I hate that damn ringtone..” I grunt, sittin’ up.

“Why don’t you change it?” she’s grabbin’ them sex tissues and wipin’ up that pretty little flower between her thighs then handin’ me one.

“Cause I hate it.” I’m wipin’ my dick off, “and I hate gettin’ up for work.. makes sense, don’t it?” I throw the slimy cum tissue at her, hittin’ her in chest.

“You’re gonna fucking get it, Dixon!” she’s pointin’ a finger at me, “you're in rare fucking form this morning, I swear!”

I grin, gettin’ up and huggin’ my naked self aganst her, “Take a shower with me..”

“Only if I can finger fuck you again..” She’s bitin’ her lip, lookin’ up at me with them big brown eyes.

“Don’t take a shower with me..” I shake my head, smackin’ that round little ass before walkin’ out and headin’ to the bathroom. Good to know not a damn thing changed with them crazy things she be sayin'.

I hear her gigglin’ and jumpin’ back in my bed and everythin’s feelin’ like it's back to normal with her… and fuck… I’m so happy right now. We ain’t even been back together for a full on day yet and I sound fuckin’ nuts, but it’s goin’ so well. Feelin’ like we just picked right up where we left off. But.. kinda different... in a good way.. It’s like we’re even more comfortable with each other. Like no time passed but it’s like we been together for years.. and I ain’t even sure I’m sayin’ it right.. but.. yeah.. I’m lovin’ this. Acceptin’ it and ain’t even thinkin’ back to them weeks without her.

So I take a piss and a shower.. kinda at the same time.. whatever.. brush my teeth, get dressed and all that and she’s wrapped up in my bedsheets all beautiful and comfy. I sit on the bed next to her, puttin’ my boots on, “How’d you get here?” I’m lookin’ at her.

“Penny.”

“Hhmm..” I pause, “take my truck to work.”

She’s turnin’ on her side to face me, reachin’ her hand out to touch my back, “You take the truck.. I’ll take the bike.” she’s gigglin’.

“Good one.. almost laughed.”

“Daryl Dixon, you are monotone and emotionless.” she’s gigglin’, “even when you laugh you aren’t actually laughing.”

“Ain’t true.”

“Ok.. I’m slightly exaggerating...go to work if you must, Jerkface.. you’re gonna be late..” she’s sinkin’ into the bed, smilin’, “I’ll just be here keeping our bed warm..”

“Our?”

“Did I say something wrong?” her voice gets all low and innocent.

“Nah.. I like what you said.” I get up and fix my hair some, stallin’ actually leavin’ cause I really don’t wanna..

“Daryl..”

“Mmmhhmm..”

“I can’t wait to see you later..”

I crack a smile, givin’ her a goodbye kiss and grabbin’ my phone, “Text me.”

“All day, hot stuff.”

I laugh, walkin’ toward the door, “I’mma leave the keys on the table.”

“K, babe.. have fun!”

I throw on my jacket and sunglasses, grabbin’ up my gloves, keys and my helmet. I gotta just leave before I don’t… so I do, lockin’ the door behind me and headin’ down the stairs to my bike. Looks like it's gonna be a nice day, but I'm sure it's cause my reason for livin’ is breathin’ me back to life. Sun’s shinin’ brighter and I'm feelin’ real fuckin’ good.. nah.. even better than that. I put my helmet on and start my baby up and she’s even purrin’ louder than usual.. I’m feelin’ like a goddamn character in some happy fuckin’ Disney movie with little cartoon blue birds and shit chillin’ on my shoulders as I ride off. High off that girl.

I get to work and clock in, walkin’ by Mike and kinda smilin’, “Mornin’.”

Mike's lookin’ like I just said some shit he ain't never heard before. He starts grinnin’ all crazy, comin’ over to me. He’s lookin’ me up and down, “You got laid!”

“What?” I'm pourin’ myself some shitty coffee and Mike's grinnin’ even harder.

“Yeah, boy! You finally got some pussy last night!” He’s touchin’ on me, “say I’m wrong!”

“Cut it out.” I grunt, sippin’ this nasty shit and makin’ a face, “The fuck.. you piss in this?”

“Splooged.” Mike’s cacklin’ like Merle and I’m thinkin’ what if he ain’t kiddin’... I spit some out and that fucker’s dyin’ laughin’, “Ya thinkin’ I whacked it in yer coffee, D? That pussy got ya goin’, ain’t it?”

“Shut the fuck up ‘fore I kick them teeth in..”

“Yup..” Mike’s pourin’ himself some jizz coffee too, “Who’s the lucky broad got herself a Dixon dickin’?”

“How you comin’ up with this shit so damn early in the mornin’?” I push my hair out my eyes, laughin’ some cause I can’t ever really be mad at Mike.

Mike’s laughin’ and we both start drinkin’ that shit coffee just as TJ busts in. Fuckin’ asshole.

“The hell is this? A goddamn tea party? Get to work!” he’s growlin’.

I pour myself some more, against my better judgement, while Mike runs out to the shop. I know I’m skatin’ on thin ice with how I been actin’ and missin’ days and shit, but I ain’t no damn kid. And I’mma get me some more coffee if for nothin’ more than to stick it to ‘em.

“Did you hear what I said, Dixon?” TJ’s breathin’ down my damn neck.

“Yeah, I heard ya.” I’m lookin’ at him, bringin’ the coffee to my lips, takin’ a sip.

“If you ain't been feelin' good you should be drinkin’ water.. hydratin’..” TJ’s tone changes and he’s grabbin’ a bottle of water out the fridge and tossin’ it to me, “Go on.. get to work..”

I’m catchin’ it, just lookin’ at him as he’s walkin’ out toward his office. The hell? Did I slip into the Twilight Zone? Chase said she loves me and TJ’s kinda somewhat human? I swear man, this better not be no damn dream...Hhmm.. I shake it off and change into my coveralls so I can get my day started. Got me a few simple jobs and two ain’t so simple ones on deck and only 7.45 productive hours to get it done. No problem. But first, I check my phone cause I ain’t checked it since she texted me last night..

 

‘Baby bro.. what we gettin into 2nite?’  
‘hey asshole where u at?’  
‘Workin?’  
'fuckinn??'

 

Merle. Since he came stumblin’ into my life again he’s been tryin’ to hang out every damn day. And I know it sounds fucked up but since that girl hit me up a few hours ago, I kinda forgot ‘bout ‘em. But I ain’t mad at his old ass or nothin’ cause he’s actually been tryin’ so I text him back:

 

‘at work. Tonight aint really good for me.’

 

He ain’t usually that quick with them texts so I ain’t gonna wait ‘round on ‘em. I’ll go on and tell my girlfriend how beautiful she is instead:

 

‘Thinkin bout you. Missin you like hell. Youre so fuckin beautiful..’

 

Little painted fingers fast as shit:

 

‘you make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time..’  
‘I got that from a movie.. I dont remember which one haha but I fucking mean it <3’  
‘Is it weird that Im rubbing myself against your pillow...kissing it... because it smells like you and I need you so bad right now?’  
‘Dont answer that.. ’

 

She got my face gettin’ all hot:

 

‘Is it weird Im jealous of my damn pillow?’

 

I swear I can hear her laughin’ in my head while she’s textin’:

 

‘Dont be jealous, baby.. youre the one I want.. I wish you were here.. wanna meet for lunch? I can come to you.. I dont care I just wanna see you.. Im going through withdrawals..’  
‘If Im coming on way too strong too fast tell me..’

 

‘come on stronger if anythin.. ;)’  
‘meet me at cookout? At 1?’

 

‘YAAASSS!!!!!!! Do you want the chicken nuggets instead of the fries? Im gonna get there like 10 mins early to put the order in so we dont waste any time together..’

 

‘yeah.. and no onions.’  
‘Youre so fuckin cute.’

 

‘Daryls big dick in my pussy with a side of nuggets, hold the onions? Got it!’

 

‘fuck yeah, exaaactly.’

 

I could text her all day like this.. and I’m wantin’ to.. but I gotta actually start workin’, so I tell her I’mma see her soon and put my phone away. She coulda came here to meet me.. but I guess I’m kinda.. well.. I dunno.. puttin’ all my eggs in one basket again.. which is fine for me.. I’m not doin’ nothin’ I don’t wanna do.. but.. man, I was really fucked up over this girl and everybody fuckin’ saw it.. not that I give a shit what people think ‘bout me. Just.. ain’t really feelin’ like explainin’ nothin’ to nobody ‘bout my relationship and what the fucks goin’ on with me and her.. we’re back together and that’s it.

I hustle and bust out them easy jobs, finishin’ up a few minutes before 12:30.. cleanin’ my hands up and drinkin’ some water. My phone starts ringin’ and I’m lookin’ out for TJ to say somethin’, but he don’t, so I go to answer it. Merle.

“Hey.” I set my shit down and walk out the back.

“Tonight ain’t good for ya? Whatcha got goin’ on besides a whole lotta nothin’, boy?” Merle’s yellin’ louder than he gotta be.

“Can’t tonight.”

“Ya still ain’t answerin’ my damn question.. the hell else ya got to do ‘cept cryin’ while ya jerkin’ off?”

“Merle.. we can get up tomorrow or somethin’..”

“Who ya blowin’ me off for?” He’s gettin’ all serious and I can hear them gears turnin’ in that big head.

I pause, “I ain’t blowin’ ya off.”

“Hhmmm..” he’s suckin’ his teeth, “then what we doin’? Shootin’? Ya gonna let them little balls drop and get some ass tonight? I know what yer gonna say... but you know I ain’t above payin’ for it sometimes..”

“The hell you talkin’ ‘bout?” I’m snappin’, shakin’ my head, “Look, I told you this was gonna take some time... we been hangin’ out every damn day and I need a fuckin’ night to myself.. we ain’t exactly best fuckin’ friends right now.”

“Nah.. we ain’t.. we’re goddamn brothers.. you forget?”

“Tryna be.”

“Little brother, if ya got some other plans just say it. Don’t go blowin’ smoke up my ass.” Merle ain’t budgin’, “That’s all I’m fuckin’ sayin’..”

I sigh, lookin’ at the time and lightin’ a cigarette, takin’ a pull, “I’m seein’ her later.”

Merle starts cacklin’, “I know you ain’t just said what the hell I’m thinkin’ I heard ya say..”

“Why’s that funny to you?”

“Baby brother... that girl got you wrapped ‘round her little finger and ya just keep lettin’ her fuck with ya.”

“She came over last night..”

“Well, I guess that’s it then, ain’t it?” Merle grunts, “Whatever little miss thing wants is whatever the fuck she gonna get with ya.. and that’s just how it’s always gonna be..”

“I ain’t gotta explain myself.” I take a pull and exhale, “It ain’t all ‘bout what she wants.. it’s what I want too..”

“Whatever ya say, Daryl.” he’s sighin’ and breathin' all loud into the phone, “I know you got more than a little bit a feelin’ for that one.. just be fuckin’ smart ‘bout it this time.. lettin’ that little girl walk all over ya..”

“Listen.. I’mma see ya tomorrow.. we could talk then.” I finish my smoke and toss it. I gotta wrap this shit up so I can meet my girl. Get some food, get some ass and hopefully repeat it later on.

Merle's laughin’ it up but I ain’t even lettin’ it get to me cause I know it’s for real this time. She said she loves me and I know she means it. I ain’t gotta explain that shit to nobody. Damn sure don’t gotta explain nothin’ to fuckin’ Merle. Thinkin’ he knows everythin’ ‘bout everythin’..

“Alright then, baby boy.. you go on and handle yer damn business..”

Click.

We don’t always end the conversation with bye and I could tell he’s feelin’ some kinda way ‘bout Chase. I get it. But I still ain’t too sure if it’s cause he’s lookin’ out for me or for his damn self. And even though I know I said I don’t wanna explain what’s goin’ on with me and her, I’m kinda feelin’ like maybe I might be wantin’ to talk to Merle ‘bout it. Get him to understand and maybe all of us could be ok with it. I ain’t gonna lie.. I’m takin’ a likin’ to how me and him been gettin’ along.. Fuck.. I dunno..whatever.. No time to sit ‘round in my head.. Got a pretty little thing waitin’ on me with some chicken nuggets..

I go back inside and let them assholes know I’m takin’ my break. Gettin' out them coveralls, washin' my hands and clockin' the fuck out. I wanna throw up both middle fingers as I’m walkin’ out just cause but I don’t and just throw my helmet on instead. I hop on my bike and ride off, gettin’ excited and kinda nervous cause I’m gonna see her again in a few minutes and it does things to me. All kindsa fuckin’ crazy things I ain’t prepared to explain. I’m comin’ up on Cookout and there’s my truck sittin’ in the parkin’ lot. My heart starts goin’ a mile a minute when I see her sittin’ right up on the bed. She’s wavin’ and smilin’ when she sees me, hoppin’ down and lookin’ cute as hell. That’s my girlfriend. Damn, I need to pinch myself again..

“You and that fucking bike..” she’s runnin’ over to me, fixin’ my hair like she always does as I take my helmet off, “I don’t even know why I wear panties..”

I climb off and hug her and she’s huggin’ on me right back, “I like when you ain’t wearin’ them boots.”

“I know you do..” she’s pullin’ my face down and kissin’ on me, “Let’s eat, I only get you for another…” she’s lookin’ at the time, “47 minutes..”

“How 'bout we drive down that side street right there..” I’m pointin’ behind the lot, “few minutes.. ain’t nobody ‘round..”

“You drive.” she’s gigglin’, throwin’ me the keys and grabbin’ up the food. We get in and I start the engine, drivin’ us just a few minutes toward the middle of nowhere. At least that’s what it always feels like ‘round here. I pull off the road, stoppin’ right before the dirt turns to woods.

I can’t help it and maybe I’m just makin’ up for lost times, but my dick is gettin’ hard and I’m wantin’ to fuck her. She’s lookin’ at me actin’ all shy and I’m takin’ them bags of food out her hand, puttin’ ‘em on the dash. She got the sweet tea in the cup holders makin’ it hard for me to grab her up without knockin’ ‘em over. I’m tryin’ to be smooth ‘bout it, but I don’t think I can.

“Get in the back with me.” I order, noddin’ my head.

She’s bitin’ that bottom lip, “The foods getting cold..”

“Don’t care. C’mon.” I open the door and she’s followin’ my lead, climbin' out.

“Pssstt.. Daryl..” she’s callin’ me over to the passenger side of the truck, away from the road, facin’ the woods. I walk over to her and she’s pullin’ them yoga pants down givin’ me a look that could kill a man, leanin’ against the side of the truck. Them big brown eyes full of lust and I ain’t even thinkin’ straight no more, walkin’ over to her and unzippin’ my pants. We ain't talkin’.. just lookin’ at each other for a minute and it's doin’ so many things to me. I let my pants fall grabbin’ my rock hard dick and strokin’ on it and she's turnin’ around, bendin’ over, showin' me that pussy from behind. I'm lickin’ on my hand to get her wet and ready for me but like always, she ain't needin’ no help. I slide my fingers over her petals and she's so fuckin' wet. I can't resist tastin’ her so I give her a quick tongue fuck before plungin’ right in. She got them little hands pressed up against my truck, tryin’ to hold on while I'm slammin’ my cock inside her real hard and deep. It's quiet on the side of the road ‘cept them sexy flesh smackin’ sounds and she's moanin’, lookin’ back at me with her mouth hangin’ open and I know she's lovin’ it just as much as I am. Fuckin’ outside like this is turnin’ me on even more. The fact that anybody can drive by and see us is makin’ my hairs stand up cause I hope that don't happen but if it does… well.. it does..

“God yes.. fuck me..” she's whimperin’ and gruntin’, backin’ that perfect round ass into me meetin’ my thrusts with the same determination. Takin’ my cock like a fuckin’ champ. This girl, man… fuck…

Man, I can't fuckin' hold on with this girl no more and I’m feelin’ my orgasm take over my entire body. I'm grippin’ on them curves while I'm lettin’ go.. pumpin’ her full of me. Birth Control is a beautiful thing cause I love cummin’ inside this girl. Ain't nothin’ better than that.

She's gigglin’, lookin’ back at me as I pull out, givin’ her ass a smack. And I'm just standin’ there with my pants down while she's openin’ up the door and leanin’ in to grab some napkins with her ass on full display. A fuckin’ car drives by and I get all nervous and she starts laughin’, handin’ me a napkin while she's cleanin’ herself up and pullin’ her pants back on. I wipe my dick off and put it away, gettin’ myself dressed as fast as I can.

That girl, she's wastin’ no time climbin’ in the passenger seat and reachin’ for the food. I'm shakin’ my head and laughin’ to myself cause she's so fuckin’ cute the way she loves to eat. To me, it's sexy as hell. She puts it all away somehow cause she manages to stay pint sized and slim. But to be honest, I wouldn't care none if she didn't. She'd still be beautiful to me and I'd make sure she knew it.

I'm gettin’ in and shuttin’ the door and she's givin’ me my food chewin’ on a chicken nugget. And we just eat some not talkin’ for a minute.

“When you off next?” I break the silence, sippin’ some sweet tea.

“Tomorrow.” she's doin’ the same, pausin’, “You?”

“Damn. I gotta work. I'm off Saturday.”

“I work late Saturday so we could spend the whole day together.” she's talkin’ with her mouth full, “I'm gonna need your schedule a month in advance moving forward so I can plan accordingly, K?” she’s gigglin’.

I laugh, “you got it.”

“Wanna go on a date after work tomorrow? I'll get dolled up. Wear my best blacks.” she blushes some, smilin’ real bright.

Fuck yeah I wanna go on a date with her. But.. shit.. I kinda told Merle we would hang out. I mean.. I told him.. but.. hmmm..

“Merle’s wantin’ to go shootin’ or somethin’ tomorrow… but I dunno.." I pause, bitin' my cheeseburger, "you know I wanna see you..”

That eyebrow shoots up and she's lookin’ at me with them big eyes, “Merle? Hmmm..” she pauses, “I know he's your brother but.. he's a fucking asshole, Daryl.. he's no good for you..”

I'm tossin’ a nugget in my mouth to buy some time from talkin’ cause I know she's right but maybe he's really changin’ this time. And he's been there for me while she was ignorin’ me and talkin’ to fuckin’ Jeremy.. ok.. that was kinda uncalled for.. but I ain't sayin’ nothin’ that ain't true..

I’m lookin’ at her, “he's been makin’ a effort.. he's different. I dunno.”

“How so?”

I'm shruggin’, “Just is.”

She sighs, “You obviously know him better than I do.. but what he said.. about me.. and about you… I can't just pretend that didn't happen. It fucking bothers me.”

“He's my brother..” I shake my head, “he got his ways ‘bout him but... he’s all I got.”

“You got me, Daryl..” she's lookin’ at me with them big puppy dog eyes, “You do..”

“You know what I mean..” I look at my phone and we ain't got that much time left, plus I'm kinda wantin’ to change the subject cause it got me feelin' things, “We could talk ‘bout this later.. just wanna hang out right now..”

“Agreed.” she's reachin’ out a little inked up arm and touchin’ on my thigh. Movin’ herself closer and layin’ her head on my shoulder. She sighs, squeezin’ on me, “I’m with you, Daryl Dixon. I always have been.. I just didn’t know it.”

I take another sip of my sweet tea and I can’t help but put my arm ‘round her and lean in closer cause it’s shit like this that I want most. Just bein’ with her. And I know she means what she’s sayin’, I do.. but I guess my heart is still feelin’ the residual from the hell she put me through. I don’t believe she meant to crush me into a million pathetic fuckin' pieces, but she did and even though she’s here now, bein’ hurt like that got me wantin’ to make sure it never happens again. With her or anybody else. Includin' fuckin' Merle. I don't wanna be, but I'm kinda on the defense. Just a little. And I know it's all gonna work out but.. still.. I gotta be fuckin' smart this time.


	23. Mechanic And Bartender

“What?” I’m breakin’ the ice cause he’s just starin’ at me like he got somethin’ to say, chuggin’ his beer like somebody’s gonna snatch it up.

He’s stoppin’ for air, pausin’ and suckin’ his teeth, just fuckin’ smirkin’ at me.

“The fuck you lookin’ at me like that for?” I’m snappin’ at him.

“You ain’t even here, boy..” Merle’s shakin’ his head, leanin’ back in his old man chair and takin’ another sip.

“Hell does that mean?” I bring my beer to my lips, starin’ him down.

“It means yer heads up in them clouds.. countin’ down the damn seconds..” 

“For what?”

“You know what..”

“Do I?”

“Ya can’t wait to leave my ass high and dry and run over to that fuckin' little girl with yer tail b’tween yer legs. Mmmmhhmmm.. I know it..” He’s gettin’ up and grabbin’ his rifle, finishin’ up his beer and tossin’ the bottle, “Screw ol’ Merle, then..”

I got my phone in my hand and it’s makin’ a bunch of text noises and I know it’s her. I look over at Merle takin’ aim at that same target we made in the distance before hurryin’ to see what she’s sayin’:

 

‘Dixon..’  
‘where..’  
‘are..’  
‘you?????’

 

Dammit. I know, babe.. I know.. 

 

‘Imma leave here soon.. promise..’

 

BAM. 

Merle pulls the trigger and I’m lookin’ at the time tryin’ to figure out how long sittin' out here is long enough so he don’t go thinkin’ what he’s already thinkin’. And it ain’t that I don’t wanna hang out with him, it’s just that I kinda would rather be hangin' out with her. Nah.. that didn’t come out right.. I mean.. I dunno.. she’s textin’ me back:

‘we can still go on that date.. plenty of time’  
‘I’ll get ready?’  
‘Say yes.. :)’

I’m sittin’ on the cooler with my head down typin’ to her and I can feel Merle’s fuckin’ eyes burnin’ right through me. He starts cacklin’, yellin’ at me to get him another beer.

“Hold up..” I’m finishin’ up and hittin’ send:

‘get ready.. think bout where you wanna go.. gonna run home and shower.. leavin Merle in bout half hour..’  
‘text when Im omw’

I slide my phone in my jacket pocket and get up, grabbin’ a beer out the cooler, poppin’ it open and handin’ it to him. He’s snatchin’ it, leanin’ the rifle up against the tree.

“So what… she your damn girlfriend again? Second time’s a charm?” His rough ass voice is oozin’ sarcasm, “or you just lettin’ her fuck ya.. cause you ain’t the one doin’ the fuckin’ if ya know what I mean..”

I pull my smokes out and light one, takin’ a pull, thinkin’ ‘bout what I’mma say before I say it cause I ain’t tryin’ to fight with him over this shit, “It’s real this time.”

“You think so..”

“I know so.”

“Hhmm.. it’s real this time til it ain’t..” he’s gruntin’, chuggin’ his beer, “ain’t that right? Little miss Mexico is yours til she ain’t..”

“She’s Puerto Rican.” 

“Whatever.”

“It ain’t whatever.” I take a long pull and exhale, tryin’ to keep my cool, “If you and me gonna try and have some type of relationship, you gotta accept it.”

“Acceptin’ my little brother gettin’ himself pussy whipped all over again with the same foreign broad who don’t give a shit ‘bout ‘em?”

“Her name’s Chase.. not broad, not little girl.. not fuckin’ Mexico or whatever the hell else you been callin’ her.. I'mma break your fuckin’ face if you don’t cut that ignorant shit out. You think I’m playin’..” I’m tryin’ to keep my cool but when it comes to somebody disrespectin’ my girl, I can’t..

“Take it easy.. all I'm doin’ is lookin’ out for ya, boy..” He's drinkin’, “Can’t go blamin’ me for not bein’ a big fan of that girl..”

“I get it, Merle.. I do.. but I been takin’ care of myself for 40 fuckin’ years. I don't need ya lookin’ out for me now..”

“Ya woulda died from a broken heart in that fuckin’ box you livin’ in all alone if I ain't come knockin’ on yer door.. remember? or did ya even see yerself? you need me, baby brother.. and I need your sorry ass too…” Merle clears his throat and spits, “shame we both had to eat shit ‘fore we realized it.”

I'm listenin’ to him, finishin’ my smoke, chuggin’ the rest of my beer. Fuck.. he’s kinda right and I really hate admittin’ it. Guess all this bullshit mighta had to happen for it to one day not to. And I ain’t even sure I’m makin’ sense but maybe them days are startin’ right now. 

“I love her.” I’m thinkin’ out loud, starin’ at that shiny metal target. Holes all in it, but it's got a helluva lot of fight left. And so do I. I'm lookin’ at Merle cause if he got my best interest at heart like he’s sayin’, he'll hear me out, “I never wanted nothin’ more than I want that girl. I mean.. more than just that surface shit.. it's more than that.. it ain't nothin’ I can explain but it's real. She makes me happy.. when the fuck I ever been able to say that?” I’m lookin’ at him, “and yeah, she messed up… ain’t nobody perfect cause I messed up too...but we talked ‘bout it and told each other how we feel. She been honest with me and I believe her… and that’s all that fuckin’ matters.”

“I ain't trustin' her as far as I could toss her, Daryl.” He's shakin’ his head, “somethin’ ain't right..”

“You don't know her.”

“I know what she did to ya.. did ya real fuckin' dirty... I know she got my baby brothers balls in her hand just squeezin’ on ‘em..”

“You fucked me over more times than I can count, but I'm still here fuckin' with ya.. why? I dunno.. maybe I'm stupid.. either way I'm givin’ ya another chance cause despite them bad things, you my brother.. and Chase..” I pause, “I see a real future with her.. I mean.. I want that.. I do.”

Merle’s just lookin’ at me like he ain't sure what to say. We don't usually sit down and talk like this. I ain't never one to tell him too much ‘bout my personal life and as deep as his conversations ever get is ‘bout pussy and stupid shit. But he needs to know where I’m at cause this is important to me. This is everythin'. 

“You tryna settle down, little brother?” he's narrowin’ them tiny eyes.

I'm takin’ a deep breath and shruggin’. I don't wanna get ahead of myself but fuck.. I'm tired of bein’ alone. I didn't know it ‘til I met her and I been missin’ out on so much for so long. I want that girl in my life for the rest of it. And even after that.

I nod, “Yeah.. I am.”

“Think ya could actually do all that?”

“What?”

“Settle down.. fuck one pussy for the rest of yer life… a Dixon boy with a white picket fence.. openin’ presents and shit on Christmas and havin’ yerself a real family of yer own.. how you gonna do all that when you aint knowin’ the first thing ‘bout it? We come from nothin’.. It ain't in the cards, baby boy.. it just ain't.. we ain't ‘bout that. That ain't us.”

“Why not? Man, how you gonna know if you never even tried? Never made no kinda effort to be somebody else.. I mean.. not takin' that damn lonely, fucked up road cause you feelin’ like you doomed to it. I ain't followin’ that. I can't.. wasted too many years thinkin’ them same things ‘til that girl showed me I can live if I just let go and fuckin’ do it. Life ain't gotta be so black and white.” I'm lightin’ another cigarette, “I might come from nothin’ but it ain’t who I am...It ain’t.. I wanna have a life. I wanna be happy for once and get the fuck outta this damn place I been aimlessly existin’ in. I wanna have somebody. I’m ready for it. And I don't give a fuck what you think ‘bout me sayin’ that cause it's the truth. Me and Chase got somethin’ real and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. So yeah.. I'm gonna fuckin’ make that shit be in the cards for me if I gotta create 'em myself. You should too..” 

I take a pull and exhale, not takin’ my eyes off him. Watchin’ him react to his little brother growin’ the fuck up right in front of him. Bein’ a damn man and choosin’ my own path. I ain’t gonna just settle no more, nah.. fuck that.. I been through too much and settlin’s just the same as givin’ up. 

“Hhmphh..” Merle scoffs, smirkin’ that damn smirk, “I ain’t buyin’ it, boy.. just can’t.. but whatever… good for you, I guess… hope this little fantasy world you dreamin’ up works out for ya..”

I take a long pull, shakin’ my head and standin’ up cause I had enough. Don't even know why I thought I could have a real man to man conversation with this fuckin’ guy ‘bout this. Sometimes I feel like I got more of a brother in Mike than my own damn blood.

“Lemme guess..” Merle sucks on them teeth again, “ya headin’ out..”

I finish my smoke and toss it, “Thanks for the beer.”

He’s shakin’ his head and I can tell he’s pissed off. Sittin’ there not even lookin’ at me. He clears his through again, spittin’ all that nasty shit out before drinkin’ more of his beer, “Yeah.. sure..”

I slip my hands in my jacket pocket, standin’ there for a minute and we ain’t sayin’ nothin’. Ain’t even lookin’ at each other and it’s awkward and uncomfortable. A few birds chirpin’ and some leaves rustlin’ in the breeze and.. them text message sounds from my phone goin’ off, seemin’ louder than usual. I know it’s her. He does too.

“Go on, boy..” he’s settin’ his beer down and lightin’ himself a cigarette, “get yer girl..”

Hearin’ him say that gets me thinkin’ maybe he’s lettin’ it sink in and even though he ain’t likin’ it, he could one day accept it when he sees how it’s gonna work out. Cause it is and I’mma make damn sure of it. I sigh, noddin’ my head and turnin’ to walk off, headin’ back to my truck. I ain’t gotta say nothin’ cause nothin’ I say is gonna make a difference to Merle. He gotta process shit, I know him. And I get it so I leave him be. That weird and uncomfortable Dixon family interaction quickly takin’ a backseat to all them other things I’m feelin’. Gettin’ a little more nervous and excited with every step cause I’mma get to spend the rest of the night with her. I laugh at myself for bein' such a little bitch, pullin’ out my phone to see what she’s textin’ me:

‘Im wearing the dress you bought me..’  
‘It fits like second skin..’  
‘Im all dolled up and impatiently waiting for your arrival.. I think you should just get here already..’  
‘I know Im being annoying but I dont give a fuck :)’  
‘Get hheeerrreeee <3’

Damn. This girl is gettin’ my dick hard without even tryin’. I find my truck and get in, startin’ up the engine and textin’ her back:

‘omw home to shower.. ain’t gonna take long.. Thinkin’ ‘bout you in that dress.. can’t wait to take it off you..’

 

‘Maybe I can give you a rim job tonight? Craving your taste..’

 

‘Yup, done talkin.. be there soon..’

Somethin’s wrong with that girl.. always tryin’ to do shit with my ass.. I mean.. no.. just.. no.. I shake off them butt play thoughts and drive. She ain’t got no limits when it comes to sex. I’m too busy thinkin’ ‘bout all them compromisin’ positions I wanna get her in to realize I’m home ‘til I instinctively park, snappin’ back to reality. Adjustin’ myself some before I get out and practically run up the stairs to my apartment. I jump in the shower and wash myself real good, washin’ my hair and brushin’ my teeth again. I shave my face some.. just to clean up cause I wanna look good for her. I dry my hair the best I can and get dressed, lookin’ at myself in the mirror. I got on a black button down and some nice fittin’ dark blue jeans. I roll up them sleeves and put my boots on, takin’ another look. Yeah.. that’s better.. 

I grab some cash from my stash and put it in my wallet, just in case. I been spendin’ more money than I probably even have but I work hard for what I got and bein’ able to take the girl of my dreams out for some dinner is a damn good feelin’. Plus I been thinkin’ ‘bout some stuff that I’mma talk to Chase ‘bout.. nothin’ crazy.. just.. some ideas..

I pull my phone out to text her that I’m on my way and she must be sittin’ there starin’ at her phone cause she texts back .5 seconds later:

‘YAASSS!! Omg.. Im gonna wait outside.. :)))’

I grab my shit and go, makin’ my way to my truck and gettin’ in and I’m thinkin’ it would be nice to stop and get her some nice flowers. Yeah… I gotta.. I make a quick detour to the florist and get her some pink exotic lookin’ ones that remind me of them flamingos she loves so much. I get ‘em wrapped up real nice and do my best to hurry so she ain’t waitin’ long and I’m kinda speedin’ down the road to get to her. The sun is almost completely set when I pull onto White Oaks Rd and there she is, standin’ in front of the doorway wearin’ a black motorcycle lookin’ jacket over that little black dress and cherry red high heels. She got on red lipstick to match and her hair is lookin’ like a supermodel. Damn.. she’s takin’ my breath away again.. 

She starts smilin’ real bright, shruggin’ them little shoulders and clutchin’ her purse. She’s walkin’ over to the passenger side door as I’m pullin’ up.

I unhook my seatbelt and jump out so I can open the door for her like a real man should. I’m holdin’ the door open and she’s lookin’ at me with them big beautiful eyes and I’m feelin’ all fuckin’ nervous all of a sudden like this is our first time hangin’ out and I’m afraid I won’t make a good impression. 

She’s touchin’ a little hand to my face, “You shaved!”

“Little bit.”

She’s kissin’ me real soft and smilin’, lettin’ me help her climb up. She gasps, “Daryl! Are these..” her face lights up, “for me?”

Shit. I got so nervous to get up and grab that damn door that I forgot ‘bout them flowers sittin’ on the seat so I grab ‘em up real quick so she can sit and hand ‘em to her, “Mmhhmm.. for you.”

She’s smilin’ like crazy, gigglin’ and smellin’ ‘em. I close up her door and run ‘round to get in and it’s like she’s mesmerized by the pink bouquet she’s holdin’ on her lap. Just lookin’ at ‘em all happy and it’s makin’ me feel good that I can get her that way cause she deserves it. I start drivin’ and I can’t stop glancin’ over at her.

“You look fuckin’ gorgeous, babe.. I mean.. holy shit..” I pause, feelin’ my face get hot, “not like you ain’t lookin’ gorgeous every day..”

She’s gigglin’, “I wanted to dress up for you..” puttin’ her hand on my thigh, “you’re nervous..”

“What?” I’m laughin’ and my face is burnin’ red, “I..” I pause, puttin’ a hand on the back of my neck, “yeah I dunno.. I’m just…” changin’ the subject, “uuummm.. where we goin’?”

“Lupita’s?” She’s laughin’.

“Nah.. let’s go downtown.. gotta show ya off..” I wink at her and she’s grinnin’, gigglin’ like crazy.

Fuck yeah. I’mma take her to that place I went to.. not that bar with Kara and the hockey game.. but somewhere nice on that same strip. So I drive us there and I’m feelin’ real good ‘bout it, findin’ a spot to park, gettin’ out first to help her down. She’s holdin’ onto them flowers like she ain’t wantin’ to let ‘em go before layin’ ‘em on the seat. 

“They’re so beautiful, Daryl.. thank you so much!” she’s huggin’ me and kissin’ me. People are lookin’ at us and I’m wantin’ ‘em to. Yup.. she’s with me motherfuckers.

She pulls away and we start walkin’, holdin’ hands. I’m touchin’ my lips to see if any of that lipstick rubbed off on me.

“This shit is solid.. It’ll never come off..” she’s squeezin’ my hand in hers.

We walk a few minutes and come up on this place that looks kinda cool. Not too fancy and not no dive bar neither. Just the right type of spot for us to eat, drink, hang out and talk. So we go in and the girl in the front asks if it’s just the two of us and we say yeah. She brings us to a private table with candles and shit and Chase is lookin’ all excited cause this place is real nice. The waiter comes over like 10 seconds later, introducin’ himself and askin’ us if we want sparklin’ water or bottled. And I’m feelin’ kinda stuck cause I ain’t really knowin’ how to answer that. Thought water was just water.

“Umm.. regular tap is fine..” Chase pushes the hair from her face, takin’ her jacket off and hangin’ it over the chair. I’m doin’ the same as John the waiter is pourin’ us some ice water.

“Tonight’s special is our cider poached salmon served with butternut squash, our delicious fennel apple slaw and wild rice. Take your time looking over the menu. I’ll be back in just a few moments.” John is smilin’, walkin’ off to the table across from us to check on ‘em.

“I don’t even know what he just said.” Chase’s eyes get even bigger and that eyebrow shoots up.

“Me neither.” I reach for the menu and we start laughin’.

“More fancy than we thought, huh?” she’s readin’ the menu and I gotta stop to watch her cause she’s makin’ all kindsa faces, “Ummm.. I think this is Italian?”

“Looks like it.”

“Anything catching your eye?”

“You..” I’m lookin’ at her. She meets my stare and starts blushin’, smilin’ all shy. As much as I ain’t got no control over all them things I feel for this girl, I'm figurin' out how to just relax and let it happen. Say what I need to say without soundin’ like a little pussy. Fake bein’ more confident and less nervous than I really am cause it’s all gonna balance out in the end. 

“Daryl..” she’s reachin’ across the table and I’m takin’ the hint, holdin’ her hand, “my heart is exploding out of my chest.”

“Mine too.” my face is hot again and we’re just lookin’ at each other, holdin’ hands.

The waiter, John, comes back over, “So sorry to interrupt..” he pauses, “would you like to start with drinks?”

Chase ain’t lettin’ go of me while she’s thinkin’, “I’ll have a tequila sunrise.. Cuervo, please.”

“Jack. Neat.”

“Great! I’ll grab those for ya..” John runs off again and it looks like he might be the only waiter tonight. But that’s ok cause it ain’t like it’s busy. And even if it was it would still just feel like me and her were the only ones in the room.

“We should probably figure out what we’re gonna eat..” she’s blushin’, runnin’ her little painted thumb over my knuckles, “Ohhh there’s a steak for two.. we can be romantic and get that..”

“Alright.”

“Yeah? Is that what you want though?” she’s twistin’ her hair between them little fingers.

I’m readin’ the menu, “Potatoes too. Done.”

John comes over with the drinks and she let’s my hand go to make room on the table. I order us that steak medium rare with them potatoes and throw in some calamari for an appetizer cause Chase says she loves it. He smiles sayin’ we made the best choice and grabs up the menus, runnin’ off to put the order in.

She’s sippin’ her drink and makin’ one of her dramatic faces and I can tell she likes it. I sip my Jack, studyin' her face..

“So.. how did the Dixon brother shooting session go?” she’s drinkin’ more.

“I dunno.. It went.”

“Were you shooting targets or..”

“Targets. I wasn’t really in the mood. I shot twice. Drank a few beers. Thought ‘bout you..” I take another sip, “told ‘em ‘bout us.. told ‘em he gotta deal with it..”

“He doesn’t like me.”

“It ain’t that.”

“What is it then?” she’s crossin’ little inked up arms over her chest.

“I dunno.. He ain’t trustin’ that I ain’t gonna get hurt again..”

“Hhmm.. by him or by me?” she’s raisin’ that eyebrow, “because I don’t trust that he won’t hurt you again. So I guess me and Merle have something in common after all..”

I don’t really know what to say, so I drink some water then some more of my Jack. 

“I’m sorry, Daryl.. I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck in the middle having to choose between me and your brother..”

“I’m kinda feelin’ that way.. little bit..” I confess.

“Truthfully..” she’s bringin’ her arms down, sippin’ her drink some more, “I know I don’t know your brother.. but from my brief interaction with him and what you told me.. I don’t know.. I don’t wanna offend you...”

“Nah, say it.”

“He totally gives me the creeps. I can’t even believe you two are related. You’re like night and day. You’re a beautiful soul and he’s a fucking maniac. You’re way too good of a person who has so much potential and I feel like he drags you down. He’s a flesh eating disease. If herpes was a person..” she pauses, “You can be mad at me for saying that but.. we only tell each other the honest truth from now on, right?”

“I ain’t mad.” I’m lookin’ at her while I sip some more.

“Ok.. so.. what are your thoughts?” 

“I dunno.. we could talk more ‘bout this later..”

“But if you had to choose..”

I shake my head, laughin’ some, “Chas.. don’t..”

“I mean.. hypothetically speaking.. if you could only save one of us.. like if me and Merle were both about to get executed and you could only pardon one.. who would you save?”

Just then, John brings out the calamari and I order us another round of drinks. I dig right in, almost burnin’ myself on it tryin’ to shove it in my mouth so I can change the subject. 

“Daryl..”

“Taste this.. fuckin’ good..” I’m mumblin’ with my mouth full.

“Answer the question..”

I chew and swallow, washin’ it down with the rest of my Jack, “I ain’t tryin’ to think ‘bout that. Why you gotta take it there?”

“Because I’m fucking ridiculous and need validation that I’m your favorite human and no matter what or who tries to come between us, you’ll always choose me because you can’t live without me. Because you love me. More than you love anyone or anything in this entire world.”

I throw another piece of calamari in my mouth, “Nobody’s comin’ between us. You’re my favorite human. Nobody gotta hypothetically die for me to prove it.” 

“True.” she’s finishin’ her drink just in time for the next round, grabbin’ her fresh tequila sunrise and holdin’ it up, “To mechanic and bartender.. and their simple, weird, awesome life together..”

We tap glasses and drink. And I'm findin' an opportunity to tell her how I'm feelin' 'bout what's next for us..

“So I was thinkin’.. I know we ain't been together all that long.. but.. truth is, I don’t fuckin’ care..” I sip some more, tryin’ to think ‘bout how I’m gonna say what I’m wantin’ to say cause it always sounds better in my head til I gotta find them words..

“What.. tell me..” she’s leanin’ her elbows on the table, movin’ in closer like I’m 'bout to tell her a big secret.

“I wanna start makin’ some plans.. I mean.. with you in ‘em.. like.. ya know...us.. ”

Them big brown eyes are poppin’ out her head and I can see them wheels turnin’. Maybe I ain’t sayin’ all this right.. Matter of fact, I know I ain’t.. Just spit it out..

“I’m ready to get the hell outta Georgia.. for good.. I’m wantin’ you to come with me.. we could figure it out together.. decide where we wanna go..” fuck it, we’re bein’ nothin’ but honest,“I ain’t tryin’ to work for TJ my whole life and just get by.. I wanna get a better job.. I wanna go places.. take more trips.. see what else is out there.. you showed me I could do all that.. and I’m wantin’ to...with you.”

She’s just starin’ at me with them eyes and red pouty lips hung open, “Daryl.. I..”

“I know I’m askin’ you to change up what you got goin’ on here and you ain’t gotta say nothin’ right now.. But.. this is what I want.. and I see us bein’ together so if you ain’t ready, I understand.. we could talk ‘bout it.. I know you ain’t wantin’ to be tied down to one place..”

“Yes.” she’s noddin’ her pretty head, “all of it.. just... yes..”

“Yeah?” I can’t help myself from smilin’ and she’s reachin’ both hands across the table for mine again and I’m meetin’ her halfway.

“Daryl Dixon, I wanna start over somewhere else with you.. we can both leave our fucking bullshit behind and make a new life.. if you're going, I'm going. I'm not gonna be without you ever again..”

I kiss both her hands and just like that I’m changin’ my deck and playin’ new cards instead of them old bullshit ones I was dealt. I ain’t doomed to nothin’ and I’mma create a whole lotta somethin’ with this little lady by my side. My mind already starts racin’ with thoughts and suggestions on where we could go and what we could do. But we gotta do it the smart way.. cause if I know her, she got them ‘Love Pink’ bags packed in her mind already..

“Let’s fucking leave tonight.. see where the road takes us!”

I laugh, “Knew you were gonna say that.. but we gotta plan it better.. save some money, get work lined up.. start lookin’ for a place to live.. do it right.”

She’s smilin’ like crazy, “God, I fucking love you.”

“I fuckin’ love ya too.”

Just then John brings out the rest of the food and we been flappin’ our gums so much, we barely finished up that calamari and now we got this big sexy steak and them little roasted potatoes. And this might be one of the best moments of my life. We hesitate in lettin’ each others hands go, but we do, grabbin’ them big knives and cuttin’ into that steak.

“Chas..” I’m cuttin’ some pieces for her and puttin’ ‘em on her plate, “you don’t know how fuckin’ happy you just made me sayin’ all that.”

She already got a piece of potato in her mouth, chewin’ all cute, “My heart is doing weird things. Good weird things.” she giggles, blushin’ some, “You know.. we’re two different versions of the exact same person, you and me.. and I feel you in my fucking bones.. I exist with you.. on the same wavelength, riding the same energy.. I’m completely head over heels obsessed with you, Mr. Dixon. Something serious. And it fucking feels so good to say it out loud.”

I’m playin’ with my food some, blushin’ and bitin’ on my bottom lip cause all them things she’s pourin’ out on me tonight is doin’ things to me that I can’t explain. But what else is new. And I’m wantin’ to tell her that I feel the same way ‘bout her like she’s feelin’ for me but no words are comin’ out. She’s shootin’ me a sweet smile and we’re just gazin’ at each other for a minute and I know she knows what I’m thinkin’ even if I can’t tell her.

“You lookin’ so amazin’ tonight, Chas.. I know I said it before but I had to tell ya again..” that’s all I could say but I fuckin’ mean it. She’s gorgeous in every sense of the word. Even more gorgeous than that.

She’s actin’ all shy and gigglin’.. blushin’ like crazy while we eat. We end up takin’ some of it to go cause we get to talkin’ some more and kinda lose interest in anythin’ but each other. We ain’t even drinkin’ too much more neither.. just.. talkin’. I didn’t think it was possible but I fell in love with her all over again, even fuckin’ deeper this time. She’s really openin’ up to me and just sayin’ whatever she’s feelin’. Whatever’s on her mind. She ain’t tellin’ me what I wanna hear and I believe every word comin’ outta that pretty little mouth. Some crazy shit is happenin’ when she touches me too.. It’s like I’m really feelin’ her cause she ain’t got them walls up no more.. and it’s so overwhelmin’ cause whats goin’ on between us is stronger than anythin’ I ever felt. It's even stronger than before. So yeah.. guess Merle's right...second time's the charm.

We ain’t even realizin’ that we been at this restaurant for 3 hours and even though they said we could stay as long as we want, I’m gettin’ the feelin’ we should get goin’. Me and her fight over the bill cause she’s tryin’ to pay for it and I can’t let her do that. We carry on ‘bout it for like 5 minutes ‘til we agree on splittin’ it, even though it’s makin’ me feel some kinda way. So we leave and grab some ice cream, stoppin’ to sit on a bench cause it’s such a nice night and we really don’t want it to end. I got my arm ‘round her and we’re laughin’ at nothin’, just havin’ the best time. I light a cigarette and she asks for one too so we have a smoke together before headin’ back to the truck. I open the door for her and help her climb in cause she got them heels on and she gets all excited when she sees them pink flamingo flowers again. I get in and fuck ‘round with the radio and we both say “Yes” at the same time when ‘Break On Through’ comes on. Fuck man.. we are the same damn person.. I start drivin’ and she’s comin’ home with me whether she’s wantin’ to or not and she fuckin’ knows it. I reach my hand to touch on her thigh and little painted fingers lace up with mine and we're holdin' hands the whole ride to my apartment. We make out in the truck some and then head upstairs, stoppin’ to kiss in front of my door. We finally make our way inside and I’m wantin’ to look at her in that dress some more so she does a spin for me and I’m ‘bout ready to pinch myself cause them curves on that girl are dangerous if you ain’t knowin’ your way ‘round ‘em. Lucky for me, I’m a fuckin’ pro.

She reads my mind, leadin’ me to ‘our’ bed and we take our time on each other. Kissin’, touchin’.. explorin’ and rediscoverin’.. I get her out that dress and go down on her, slidin’ my tongue inside as deep as possible. That leads to her suckin’ my dick and we’re lickin’ and kissin’ each other everywhere. Fuckin' everywhere.. and neither one of us is in a rush to get off.. just wantin’ to connect.. and we do.. makin’ love and holdin’ eye contact while I’m penetratin' and movin’ inside her. This girl, she’s openin’ up for me and really lettin’ me in and I’m doin’ the same with her. She’s the only one who’s ever gonna see this side of me. Ever know me on this level. I’m that one for her too. There ain’t no goin’ back from here. That girl signed herself off to me and I ain’t givin’ her up.

So we make love for hours.. finishin’ then startin’ up again.. makin’ out and touchin’.. holdin’ each other and sayin’ them 3 words ‘til we fall asleep.  



	24. Some Love Thrown In

Warm little fingers grazin’ over my back and I’m tryin’ to relax cause she’s touchin’ on my scars. I know she can’t avoid ‘em even if she tried...and she ain’t judgin’ me or thinkin’ I’m ugly or anythin’ like that… but it still got me feelin’ uneasy cause it always does. And even with her it’s gonna take some time before I’m a hundred percent comfortable with all that, if I ever am... but I’m lettin’ it go.. just enjoyin’ her touchin’ me cause it’s all I want. We’re layin’ in my bed naked, post sex, kinda spoonin’.. only she’s behind me this time. Her lips gently kissin’ on my skin and there go them goosebumps again. I’m closin’ my eyes and she’s pushin’ my hair away and kissin’ from my neck to my shoulder.. my back some more, payin’ extra attention to them damn scars I wish she didn’t have to fuckin’ see. Makin’ me feel things.. only instead of feelin’ ashamed and wishin’ I could disappear like usual.. there’s a calm in me. Only this girl could get me like that.. I swear..

“My heart is still exploding..” She’s whisperin’, her warm breath against my skin sendin’ shivers all over my body, “Can you feel it?”

I crack a smile thinkin’ ‘bout that little heart beatin’ faster just like mine is, and hell yeah.. I can feel it, “Mmhhmm..”

Soft lips kissin’ on me some more, her hand movin’ up and down my arm.. then huggin’ ‘round me and I could die a happy man, just like this. With my favorite human pressed up against me. She starts smellin’ on my skin again and squeezin’ me a little tighter.

“What do you want out of life, Daryl?” she’s talkin’ real low and sweet, snugglin’ into me, and I ain’t gotta really think ‘bout what she’s askin’. It’s real fuckin’ simple..

“Wanna have good days.. be happy.. live cause I wanna, not cause I gotta.. ya know.. have a reason.. somethin’ worth livin’ and dyin’ for...some love thrown in..”

“What does that mean to you? What’s it going to take to get there?”

“Deep ass questions..” that I ain’t too prepared to answer.. I mean.. I know.. but words ain’t comin’.

She giggles, “There’s more to me than just sex, booze and rock n’ roll, Daryl Dixon..”

“I know..” I pause, “How ‘bout you? What you wantin’ outta life?”

She sighs, kissin’ on me some more, “For it to mean something. I don’t want to just exist anymore.. I’m tired of running… and I want to be happy too... with love thrown in..”

That’s exactly what I been wantin’ since she opened my eyes to what my life could be like if I go ‘bout it finally livin’. And I’m wantin’ it with her. There ain't no goin' back.

“Chas..”

“Daryl..”

“Think you could be happy with me? Think there’s a real place for me in all that?” yeah.. she’s here with me right now but I’m still burned from her breakin’ my heart like she did… cause man, I never wanna go through that again. I’mma say it a hundred times over..

“You are my happy.” she’s squeezin’ me tighter.

“But.. I’m talkin’ ‘bout years, Chas.. not months.. not no fuckin’ weeks neither.. the long haul..”

“So am I. I’m not going anywhere. That shit I pulled.. that’s over. I want this. Nothing else makes more sense to me than you… and you’re right, fuck what everybody else thinks! So what, we’ve only been in each other’s lives for a few months... this is real.. I want this.. I want you.”

We're lookin' at each other, sittin' in silence for a minute..

“Guess I’m kinda feelin’ insecure.. gonna take me some time not to.” I confess and I know no girl is wantin’ to hear her man sayin’ he ain’t secure.. but I can’t lie to her.

“I understand..” she sighs, kissin’ on my back, “I have to earn your trust again..”

“I ain’t sayin’ I’m thinkin’ you’re lyin’ to me.. it’s just..” I pause, tryin’ to find words for what I’m feelin’ and like usual, I’m drawin’ all kindsa blanks. I turn ‘round to face her cause I wanna look in them big brown eyes while we’re talkin’.

She puts a little hand on my shoulder, “I get it, Daryl.. I do..”

“Meant what I said ‘bout us movin’ in together.. gettin’ the fuck outta here.”

“And I meant what I said about leaving tonight.” she softly laughs, runnin’ little painted fingers through my hair, “I’m with you, baby..”

“I was kinda thinkin’.. maybe we could find a place up in New York..”

“What? Seriously? You wanna move to New York?” That eyebrow shoots right up.

“If I’m gonna move outta Georgia, might as well try somethin’ different than what I’m used to.. maybe one of them boroughs.. Queens or somethin’. I liked it there.. seemed like it could work for somebody like me who ain’t knowin’ the first thing ‘bout livin’ in no city.. been lookin’ up some mechanic jobs too.. ya know.. for now.. look into other things when we get settled some..”

“You’ve really been thinking about this..”

“Mmhhmm.. since before…” I pause, lookin’ away, “ya know..” I’m bitin’ on my bottom lip cause thinkin’ ‘bout them days without her is makin’ me feel sick to my stomach. My eyes findin’ hers again, “maybe it would be nice to be closer to your family.. since I ain’t really got nobody..”

“My family’s fucking crazy..”

“I like ‘em.” I nod, “crazy or not they’re good people. Least them ladies I got the pleasure of meetin’ damn well are. And they fuckin’ love the hell outta ya.. It felt good to be ‘round a real family like that. ‘Specially your mom. She was nothin’ but nice to me so I ain’t got no problems.”

“My fucking mother lives for you.” she laughs, “I told her.. about the breakup.. and she yelled at me for 15 minutes straight. Apparently, she told my brother and his girl about you.. they were sitting there planning our future.. equipped with bilingual babies and father’s day pig roasts at our imaginary house.” she’s laughin’, blushin’ and lookin’ at me with them big brown eyes.

“Hhmm..sounds nice.”

She’s actin’ all shy hidin’ her face in my pillow, pausin’ and lookin’ at me again, “While we’re on that subject... did you ever dream of having a family of your own? Kids and shit? A fucking dog and a backyard.. working on your truck in your own 2 car garage? Grilling on the fourth of July?”

“No.” I don’t hesitate.

“Hmm.. me neither.”

We both start laughin’ a little, holdin’ eye contact and I can’t help myself from reachin’ out and touchin’ on her, runnin’ my hand over silky smooth inked up skin.

“Don’t mean I ain’t kinda thinkin’ ‘bout it now..” I shrug, feelin’ like I got fuckin’ butterflies in my gut. Talkin’ to the girl of my dreams ‘bout how I’m wantin’ to have that with her. Shit I never thought I’d be in the business of havin’ or even wantin’.

She’s smilin’ all shy, cheeks turnin’ red. She’s noddin’, “Ditto”

Maybe it’s too soon to bring shit up and I’mma really sound fuckin’ crazy.. but since we ain’t really filterin’ them things we been sayin’ since she came back into my life, I ain’t been able to stop myself, “So.. uumm..”

She perks up, gazin’ at me, givin’ me her full attention. I continue spillin’ out my thoughts, probably butcherin’ everythin’ I’m tryin’ to fuckin’ say..

“Remember when you said I was makin’ ya wanna have babies but you ain’t wantin’ no babies.. shit, I fucked that up.. uumm.. damn.. ya said somethin’ like that..” I shake my head and I’m feelin’ kinda stupid, “anyway.. I’m just wantin’ you to know... I kinda.. I dunno.. the fuck am I tryna say right now..”

I’m gettin’ kinda flustered and awkward and she ain’t sayin’ nothin’.. just lookin’ at me with them big eyes and pouty lips.. waitin’ on me to collect my thoughts and form a fuckin’ sentence like a goddamn adult.

“I’m thinkin’ I wanna baby.”

“Uummm…” them eyes get real big and she sits up with a quickness, “Daryl.. uummm..”

“No no no no… I mean.. not right now!” I’m feelin’ stupid.

“Holy shit..” she puts her hand to her chest and takes a deep breath.

I sit up too, facin’ her and my skin is gettin’ all hot.. fuck I’m sweatin’.. “That came out wrong..” I’m shakin’ my damn head, “what I’m tryna say is a kid is somethin’ I think I want.. just wanna make sure we’re wantin’ the same shit.. ya know… if we’re buildin’ somethin’ together..”

“Daryl, I never wanted kids.. for so many reasons.. most of those reasons completely selfish, I’ll admit. Just.. I don’t know.. being a mother never ranked high on my list of priorities in life...if I never ended up having kids, I wouldn’t really feel like I missed out.. but..” she sighs, wrappin’ inked up arms ‘round herself, “If I said having your baby never crossed my mind, I’d be lying… but..wow.. having a baby is.. It would change everything.. I mean.. it’s really fucking serious… Jesus, why am I sweating?” she giggles, pausin’. Makes fuckin' two of us.

“I ain’t meanin’ to freak ya out.. maybe I shouldn’ta brought it up.. we could talk ‘bout it some other time..” like most of them fuckin’ things you be bringin’ up, Daryl.. damn..

“We can talk about it.. it’s ok.. and you aren’t freaking me out, baby..” she’s reachin’ out and touchin’ on my shoulder, “I definitely did not expect you to come out of left field with that shit,” she’s laughin’ again, blushin’, “but I’m not freaked out, I promise.. I meeaann.. yeah.. sure.. we could totally have a baby.. fuck it, I love you.. so, why not? But like.. Later, later on.. like.. waaaayyy later..”

“You mean all that?”

“Of course I do.. like.. years from now..”

“I hear ya ‘bout later on.. and I swear I ain’t tryna rush shit.. but I gotta be honest.. I’mma get there before you and I ain’t tryna pressure you into settlin’ down or nothin’ but.. I got 11 years on ya.. and I don’t wanna have my first kid at fuckin’ 50 years old.. I dunno.. age ain’t nothin’ but a number and blah blah blah.. but.. That ain’t all true and kinda bullshit for some things.. I would never want you to do somethin’ you ain’t wantin’ to do and ain’t ready for… but.. it’s somethin’ to think ‘bout..” all of a sudden, I start wishin’ I never fuckin’ opened my damn mouth and brought this shit up. Making somethin’ outta nothin’.. but I guess it’s a big somethin’ to me all of a sudden.. the fuck.. what the hell am I doin’?

“Your age doesn’t bother me Daryl, I told you that. I know I joke around about it, but, I don’t mean it.. you know that.. I’m a stupid bitch and I - ”

“Stop that.”

“No, I can be a real sarcastic bitch, you know I can..”

“And I love that ‘bout ya so stop talkin’ 'bout yourself like that.”

She sighs, “I didn’t think about any of this.. and I don’t want you to have to wait until you’re 50 either... so it’s good we’re talking about everything.. we should get it out there.. and I know I’ve been such a-” she stops herself and laughs, “I haven’t been that open and easy to read or deal with, but I want what you want. I fucking do. So whatever happens, we’re gonna make it work.”

“I know.. look, we ain’t gotta talk ‘bout it right now.. we could pick it up again later.. just wanted to see where your head was at.” I kinda shrug it off cause I feel like an idiot and I ain’t wantin’ her to start dwellin’ on my age and overthinkin’ shit.. throwin’ too much at her at once. Tryin’ to pick up and move.. now tryin’ to have babies? I gotta fuckin’ chill the fuck out.. drivin’ us both crazy for no goddamn reason..

She starts noddin’, shruggin’ little colorful shoulders, “you know what? We’re going to work it out. When you’re feeling like you’re ready for this, we can talk about it again.. and we’ll fucking work it out. Who knows.. maybe by that time I’ll be ready too..” she starts smilin’ and I can’t help but smile back, feelin’ kinda shy and I dunno why.

“I’m sorry.. I been lettin’ my mind take over with all them things... never fuckin’ gave not one thought ‘bout this shit and all of a sudden I’m sittin' 'round daydreamin’ ‘bout it..” I’m feelin’ like I’m talkin’ too much but I can’t seem to fuckin’ put a muzzle on it, “But I like thinkin’ up that stuff.. I’m thinkin’ it cause I’m wantin’ it with you.. givin’ me somethin’ to look forward to.”

“Something to live for..”

This girl. She fuckin’ gets it. She ain’t judgin’ me or makin’ me feel like I got somethin’ wrong with me cause she’s feelin’ it too. And for fuckin’ once, I’m startin’ to think we might actually be on the same page. Fuckin’ stars alignin’ and it’s feelin’ damn good.

“Fuck.. yeah, exactly.” I’m lookin’ at her and she’s even more beautiful to me and I ain’t even gettin’ how that’s possible cause she’s already the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes on. She’s coverin’ herself up with the blanket, clutchin’ it against her chest and we’re just caught in a moment of silence, gazin’ at each other. And it ain’t weird or awkward and I’m feelin’ less insecure now cause I fuckin’ believe her. I can feel it. She’s meanin’ everythin’ she’s sayin’.

“Tonight was amazing. Can’t believe you got me flowers. I love them so much.” She’s lookin’ at me like she’s seein’ somethin’ she ain’t never seen before.

“Good.. I’mma get ‘em for you more often then.”

She bites on her lip, “Let’s start applying for work in New York. Start looking for apartments. I really wanna get the ball rolling on this shit cause I’m so fucking excited!”

I crack a smile and nod, “Alright. But you know it ain’t gotta be New York.. I just threw it out there..I know you ain’t really been plannin’ on goin’ back.”

“My plans have changed, Daryl Dixon. And I’m willingly going with it.” she’s lookin’ at me smilin’, “I think we should try New York. You’re right.. maybe it would be nice to be closer to family. I mean.. a new start in my city with my love.. fucking perfection.”

My skin gets real hot and tingly when she says all that cause she’s fuckin’ verbalizin’ all my damn thoughts and feelin’s. My brain keeps pokin’ at me makin’ me nervous ‘bout all this cause we really only been together for a few months time and even though it’s feelin’ like longer and I’m sayin’ I ain’t carin’, that shit’s the reality. I ain’t questionin’ how I’m feelin’ ‘bout her… nah.. I know I’m in love and I fuckin’ fell hard.. She's it for me.. but I’m kinda fuckin’ terrified that she’s gonna change her mind.. or love on me now but then get over it.. get all bored with me and wanna leave again. Like Penny said, ‘That girl’s a gypsy and they don’t be stayin’ long’... or somethin’ like that. And to top it off she’s fuckin’ gorgeous and a decent amount of years younger than me.. what if she wakes up one day and ain’t findin’ me attractive no more? What if I age real bad and start lookin’ like her fuckin’ grandpa? She’d be tradin’ my old redneck ass in for a new model and I wouldn’t even blame her. Maybe I’m overthinkin’ again like usual.. goddamn brain.. but these fuckin’ insecurities I got lately been drivin’ me crazy cause I’m gettin’ what I wanted and I’m so fuckin’ afraid of losin’ it again. And I ain’t exactly knowin’ how to not place all my bets on this girl cause she’s the fuckin’ sun in my sky and no matter how much I try and tell myself to chill out, I fuckin’ can’t. My heart ain’t in the business of listenin’ to reason.. it just does what it wants when it comes to her. Even if it fucks me over in the process.

I’m realizin’ I’m sittin’ there all in my damn head just starin’ off into space and she’s wavin’ little painted fingers in front of my eyes, “Earth to Dixon..”

I snap back to reality and it’s fuckin’ tattooed and gorgeous. And naked in my bed..

“I love you.” thats all I got cause it’s all I ever got.

She starts gigglin’, movin’ that little body closer to me and kissin’ on me. She stops, whisperin’ in my ear, “Show me..”

I slide my hand up her slender back, grabbin’ a handful of that long dark hair, pullin’ that pretty little head back and kissin’ on her neck. She lets out a moan and all of a sudden I ain’t thinkin’ no more.. ‘Cept what it feels like to be inside her and how fuckin’ bad I’m achin’ to be. I’m layin’ her down, climbin’ over her and she’s pullin’ me closer. We’re kissin’ real slow and sweet.. then real intense and deep.. and I can tell she’s wantin’ this just as bad as I am cause she’s spreadin’ real wide for me and grabbin’ on my rock hard meat. I waste no time slippin’ inside and our bodies are workin’ in perfect rhythm. She’s grippin’ on my back like she’d fall right through the bed if she didn’t as I’m pumpin’ every rigid inch of my thick cock in and out of her. Moanin’ and breathin’ heavy and I can feel that little heart threatenin’ to beat outta her chest. It’s feelin’ like we’re the same person and maybe we really are.. just like she said..

“Oooh, Daryl.. oh my fucking God..” she’s movin’ under me and nothin’ else matters outside this room. Just me and her and all them things we’re feelin’ together and doin’ to each other. All at the same time.

I’m breathin’ all heavy and my skin is feelin’ like it’s on fire. Sweatin’ and pumpin’ into her at a nice steady pace, holdin’ on as best I can cause I ain’t tryna let go so fast. Not this time. I wanna enjoy her for as long as possible. She got her hands all in my hair and it’s givin’ me goosebumps, sendin’ all kindsa shivers down my spine… my entire fuckin’ body. I hold myself up, lookin’ down at her and she's lookin’ at me with that pretty mouth hung open. Them big brown eyes confirmin’ what I'm feelin’. What she's feelin’. Little painted fingers diggin’ into my shoulders, hands runnin’ wild up and down my arms, over my chest and my back. Pullin’ me down and kissin’ me, moanin’ and pantin’ against my lips and this feels so fuckin’ right. I can't stop myself from thrustin’ harder and deeper, needin’ to be closer. I fuckin’ wish there was a way to be closer cause I'm addicted to this girl and it's never fuckin’ enough. Always needin’ more.

We’re movin’ faster now, grindin’ our hot, slick bodies into each other. I'm kissin’ and bitin’ on her neck as she's lickin’, kissin’ and bitin’ on my shoulder like animals markin’ our territory. Heavy breathin’.. moanin’ and whimperin’.. the pleasure buildin’ up and overflowin’ and we both ain't prepared to try and stop it. She's so fuckin’ wet, I'm soaked in her. That little love canal is so warm and snug and we fuckin’ fit together like we were made for each other. Fuck.. I don't even know what to say no more.. ain't no words left to describe how bein’ with her got me feelin’..

She's cryin’ out louder and I'm on the edge of release. I can feel her tremblin’ under me, wrappin’ little legs ‘round me and buckin’ them sexy hips. She's cummin’ hard and that's all it takes for me to blow.. I’m so lost in her, thrustin’.. fillin’ her up with me… and holy fuckin’ shit.. we’re both still goin’ and it feels so fuckin’ good.

She’s grabbin’ my face, kissin’ me while we’re both tryna catch our breath. My body still feelin’ the effects of my orgasm and I don't even think I could move so I pull out and slide down some, holdin’ on to that slight little shaky body, layin’ my head on her chest. She got inked up arms wrapped ‘round me and I can hear her heart beatin’. Matter of fact, I'm feelin’ it.. or maybe that's mine.. I don't even know anymore..

She sighs real deep, runnin’ fingers through my hair and we ain’t talkin’.. just wrapped up in each other.. breathin’ and comin’ down from that cloud up in the sky we been livin’ on.. makin’ love and fallin’ harder..

“That was..” my love breaks the silence, “fucking just..” she’s gigglin’, “fuck, I can’t even speak..”

Me neither, baby.. I’m layin’ on her listenin’ to her heart beatin’ and I’m so fuckin’ relaxed, I could fall asleep just like this. With them little fingers in my hair and them legs ‘round me like she’s protectin’ me. Keepin’ me safe and warm and I’m doin’ the same for her. I’m feelin’ a sense of real peace for once in my life. My head on her chest and we’re all tangled in each other and I don’t wanna let her go. I could lay like this forever. And to think… we got so much to look forward to.

But damn.. I ain’t able to keep my eyes open.. so relaxed from them things we been talkin’ ‘bout, all that sex and love makin’ and her touchin’ on me like she is now, I’m fuckin' fallin’ asleep..

“Did you pass out?” she’s laughin’.

“Mmhhhmm..” that’s all I got and I’m losin’ consciousness in them little arms..

She’s huggin’ on me as I’m driftin’ off, “It’s you and me against the world, Daryl Dixon… you and me against the fucking world..”


	25. Them Motherfuckin' Dixon Boys

“Lemme get this fuckin’ shit straight..” Merle’s interruptin’ me, coverin’ up his face with that big, raggedy ass hand of his, actin’ all fuckin’ dramatic, “cause I know I fuckin’ ain’t heard ya right.. my little fuckin’ brother’s tryna blow smoke up my ass, tellin’ me he’s movin’ to New York? You best be kiddin’ me, boy!”

I nod, takin’ a pull of my smoke and he’s bustin’ out laughin’. Cacklin’ his ass off and I ain’t findin’ none of what I’m sayin’ funny. I’m tryin’ to fuckin’ talk to him and I shoulda known better cause he ain’t supportin’ my decision not one fuckin’ bit. Writin’ it off before even lettin’ me finish my damn sentence. I ain’t at all shocked but I guess part of me was hopin’ for a different response this time.

“The fuck is wrong with ya, little brother?! You ain’t got no goddamn business up in New York!” He’s shakin’ his big stupid head, spittin’ and carryin’ on, “That damn fuckin’ girl got ya so pussy whipped I fuckin’ swear and it ain’t right! Not one goddamn bit of it! Why ain’t you seein’ that?”

“My decision..” I’m keepin’ my cool, takin’ another pull, “ain’t hers.”

“Shhhhiiiiitttttt.. the fuck it ain’t.. ya so brainwashed! Got yer head so far up her ass, soon nobody’s gonna be able to find ya!” he’s got them hands on his hips now, “Daryl.. how the fuck ya gonna live in New York? The hell ya gonna do? Big city bullshit ain’t for us small town assholes.. how the hell ya gonna be livin’? Tell me.. lemme in on that “plan” ya thinkin’ ya got..” He’s throwin’ up air quotes, “let’s fuckin’ hear this shit..”

I’m finishin’ my smoke and tossin’ it, leanin’ against a tree. I ain’t ‘bout to lose my shit on ‘em. Ain’t no point no more. All I’m doin’ is fuckin’ tryin’ with him. Givin’ him that damn brother time he’s been cryin’ ‘bout and it’s been kinda goin’ ok, whether I wanna admit it or not. I been holdin’ out from tellin’ him that I’m movin’ ‘til we actually made some progress with findin’ a place cause I knew he was gonna have some crazy reaction like usual. Makin’ me feel bad and callin’ me stupid, blamin’ Chase and blah blah blah.. Everythin’ but bein’ happy for me and supportin’ me and I didn’t think I needed all that negativity cloudin’ up my judgement. Makin’ me second guess shit. Nah.. cause I’m doin’ this. I’m gettin’ the fuck outta here. And since I can’t just pick up and leave his ass, cause I ain’t a selfish piece of shit like him, I gotta fuckin’ bite the bullet and tell him. ‘Specially since me and Chase are gonna be movin’ in two weeks..

“What do ya want me to say, Merle?” I’m shruggin’, crossin’ my arms, “I’mma be livin’ up there same way I’m livin’ here, only better off cause I ain’t gonna be in this damn soul suckin’ shithole no more.. fuckin’ finally..”

“You gon’ end up livin’ on them damn cold streets, boy cause you ain’t got nothin’ goin’ for ya! Where ya gonna work? You don’t know how to do shit! ‘Cept fix them fuckin’ cars and bikes. Ain't like ya smart.. you ain't got no damn college degree.. What else ya got to offer? Nothin’!” he’s gettin’ himself all worked up.

“I ain’t like you, so you can cross robbin’, stealin’ and fuckin’ sellin’ off that list of career choices ya got in that stupid fuckin’ head of yours.” I ain’t yellin’.. just.. angry talkin’.., “and you think people in New York ain’t needin’ a mechanic? I’mma do that and then some.”

Merle starts laughin’, pacin’ back and forth in front of me and he’s lookin’ like he ain’t got a clue what to do with himself, tryin’ to process them things I’m hittin’ him with. We’re both quiet for a minute, hangin’ at our usual shootin’ spot we been gettin’ accustomed to.. maybe for the last time in a while..

I light another cigarette and Merle’s motionin’ for me to give him one too, so I do. We light up and have at it, blowin’ a cloud of smoke between us. And as much as I’m dreadin’ it, I gotta tell him..

“Leavin’ in two weeks.” I’m glancin’ at him, then down at my feet, takin’ another pull, “Put in my notice at work.. Mike’s gonna be takin’ over my lease..”

He scoffs, clearin’ his throat, “How long were ya gonna go without fuckin’ tellin’ me this shit?”

“I’m tellin’ ya now.”

“That yer motherfuckin’ leavin’... in two goddamn weeks…” he’s blowin’ smoke, “just like that..”

“It ain’t outta nowhere.. you know me..”

“Hhmmph..do I?”

Awkward silence. Man, I wish I didn’t feel so bad right now. As much as I fuckin’ hate my brother… I don’t… and with all the bullshit he put me through all them years and sometimes still be puttin’ me through, at the end of the day, he’s all the actual family I got. I guess I love him. In some.. different kinda way..

I take another pull, lookin’ back at him and he ain’t lookin’ at me no more, “I ain’t leavin’ ya.”

“Sure, yeah.. whatever.. little brother.. do what the fuck ya gotta do.. go on and run off to New York with that damn girl.. I told ya when ya first startin’ messin’ with that little trick..”

“Merle.. cut that fuckin’ shit out..” I growl.

“I said.. I’m seein’ where yer loyalties be lyin’.. well, there it is right there.. them fuckin’ loyalties.. choosin’ pussy over family.. that’s how ya are then, that’s how the fuck ya are, Daryl.”

“Nah.. that ain’t it.” I’m gettin’ frustrated, clenchin’ my fists, but I really don’t wanna fuckin’ fight. Man, I really don’t..

“Bullshit.. if yer goin’ then get the fuck on..” Merle tosses his smoke, grabbin’ his rifle.

“Merle..” I’m doin’ my best to keep my back against this fuckin’ tree. Keepin’ me from knockin’ him on his ass cause sometimes that seems to be the only way he fuckin’ listens. He’s turnin’ his back to me and takin’ aim.

BAM.

“Fuck!” he’s yellin’. I look out at that target we made and he missed his shot. Ain’t even hittin’ it. Not even close.

I’m feelin’ real uncomfortable and wishin’ I knew how to talk to him. I mean, really talk to him and explain what’s goin’ on. How me and her are really in love and even been talkin’ ‘bout havin’ a kid and a real family someday. Some hope for my so called doomed future. I really wanna be able to tell him ‘bout how I’m wantin’ him part of it too. Maybe we won’t be livin’ a quick drive away, but we ain’t not gonna talk or see each other. Shit’s just gonna be different. And if Chase has my baby, he’s gonna be an uncle and I’m wantin’ him there for all that. I’m wantin’ my kids to know their uncle Merle, even though he’s fuckin’ outta his goddamn mind. He could change. I know he could. He kinda already been showin’ it some. Easin’ up on them drugs and shit. Really tryin’. He could get outta here too if he let himself live. Man, I fuckin’ wish he would.

“Merle..”

He’s ignorin’ me settin’ up to take another shot and I ain’t tryna to leave it like this with him. I’m bitin’ on the inside of my lip, watchin’ him aim and I’m thinkin’ maybe comin’ out here shootin’ ain’t exactly qualifyin’ as the right place and time to have this conversation.

BAM.

“Fuckin’ Christ Almighty..” he’s grittin’ his teeth, gruntin’ and kickin’ his empty beer bottle. He barely made contact with the target, just clippin’ it at the bottom.

I’m openin’ my mouth to say somethin’ but ain’t nothin’ comin’ out. He’s turnin’ ‘round and walkin’ towards me, holdin’ the rifle down at his side, catchin’ my eyes with that glare he got and I can tell he ain’t alright. Right then I start thinkin’ ‘bout when Chase asked me who I woulda saved from dyin’.. ya know.. hypothetically...her or Merle.. askin’ me to choose, if I had to.. I guess I just didn’t wanna hear myself say it, but the choice was already made. I’m choosin’ her.

“Merle..” I keep on and he’s poppin’ open a beer, sittin’ in his old man chair not sayin’ nothin’, “so what, you just gonna ignore me?”

“I ain’t got nothin’ else to say to ya, Daryl.” he’s chuggin’, “ya doin’ whatever the fuck ya want any ol’ way.. ain’t givin’ a fuck ‘bout yer family..”

“That ain’t fair..”

He scoffs, “go on, run off with her. When she fuckin’ ditches yer sorry ass again and you all lost in New York on yer own.. you gonna see.. and I’mma fuckin’ say I told ya so with a big ol’ smile on my face.. watch..”

“Why can’t you ever fuckin’ be happy for me? Root for me instead of against me?”

“I ain’t gonna sit here and be happy for ya movin’ to New York! I fuckin’ ain’t! Ya got no fuckin’ clue what the hell you gettin’ yerself into!”

“Merle.. If you gonna be mad, fine. Be mad cause you ain’t wantin’ me to leave, but don’t fuckin’ act like I don’t know what the fuck I’m doin’, cause I do. I’m a grown ass man and this ain’t some outta the blue shit.. I been tryna get outta Georgia since I was a kid.. ya know that shit and you know me.. it ain’t Chase steerin’ me away from you.. there ain’t no hidden fuckin’ agenda to piss you off.. she ain’t even brought the shit up in the first place.. it was all me, all of it.. the seed was fuckin’ planted years ago.. she just been the one waterin’ it.. and you don’t fuckin’ know her. ya don’t.. but you should know that she’s everythin’ to me.. regardless of how you feel ‘bout her..”

He’s chuggin’ his beer, suckin’ his teeth. Them little old eyes slowly fixin’ on me. And he’s just lettin’ me talk..

“Yeah, yeah.. Daryl’s a fuckin’ pussy.. whatever.. I know that’s what you been thinkin’.. but this ain’t no goddamn schoolyard shit. This ain’t me fuckin’ ‘round and bein’ pussy whipped and whatever the fuck you been sayin’..I fuckin’ love that girl, Merle. I can’t even explain it.. but it happened and it just is and I’m so fuckin’ grateful cause she changed my life. Ain’t none of this shit bad, don’t ya get it? I’m actually feelin’ somethin’ for another person. I found somebody to exist in this shit world with and I ain’t gotta be alone no more. I don’t fuckin’ wanna be. Me and her been talkin’ more than I ever talked with anybody else in my life. She’s wantin’ what I’m wantin’ and she actually fuckin’ cares ‘bout me. She does. We’re goin’ to New York to start over. Both of us. And we’re doin’ it together cause we love each other. Gonna make a nice life.. have us a little family.. be normal fuckin’ people.. that’s all I want.”

“Well, good for you.” he’s shruggin’ like he ain’t givin’ a fuck ‘bout nothin’ I’m sayin’. Spillin’ my damn guts out..

“Man, you’re such a fuckin’ prick..” I sigh, shakin’ my head. I ain’t even raisin’ my voice.

“Fuck you, Daryl.”

“Nah, fuck you, ya old fuck.”

“Yeah, yeah.. go be fuckin’ normal with your little girl.. fuck ol’ Merle!”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ… Merle, I’m movin’ but I ain’t fuckin’ leavin’ ya! See that’s what you ain’t gettin’! I’m still wantin’ you to be there for me and be part of my fuckin’ life, ya fuckin’ cocksuckin' piece of shit!”

“Watch yer goddamn mouth, boy!” he’s tossin’ his empty beer bottle, pausin' “grab me another one..”

I open up the cooler and pull a cold one out, tossin’ it at him and he barely catches it. Losin’ his fuckin’ touch. Asshole.

“Sit down, kid.”

“I ain’t no kid.”

He starts laughin’, poppin’ the cap off and wastin’ no time chuggin’, “yeah, boy.. I don’t know who the fuck ya take after.. just fell out the sky..” he’s shakin’ his head, “None of them Dixon fucks I know.. Includin’ this dickhole right here..” he’s pointin’ at himself.

“I’m just me.” I shrug.

“Yeap… yer just you..” he sighs, takin’ another sip, “Gonna miss ya, little brother.”

I’m lookin’ down at my hands, then back at him, “Been missin’ ya my whole life, big brother.”

“Mmm..” he pauses, “damn shame ain’t it..”

I take a deep breath in and let it out, takin’ a seat on Merle’s cooler. And I’d be lyin’ if I said my heart wasn’t kinda hurtin’ right now. Bitter-fuckin’-sweet, man.. all them damn years wasted.. yeah.. It is a damn shame.. a damn fuckin’ shame..

“I’mma make it in New York. Only way I ain’t, is if I don’t wanna no more. You’re gonna see. I’m a fuckin’ man of my word. And you ain’t condemned to this place neither. You ain’t.” I’m lookin’ at him, lookin’ at me, “you ain’t gotta settle for what ya thinkin’ you deserve. Fuck that.”

“Make it first.. then we talk ‘bout all that other shit.” he brings the bottle to his lips.

“I’m gonna.”

“I hear ya talkin’, boy..” he sighs real big, “Two fuckin’ weeks, eh..”

I nod. And I don’t even think it fully sank in yet for me neither, “Two fuckin’ weeks.”

“So what, ya just goin’? No fuckin’ place? No fuckin’ job or nothin’? Flyin’ by the damn seat a yer pants?”

“Her mom helped us find a place.. she knows the landlord.. a studio apartment in Astoria. It ain’t that big but it’s somethin’ and we can make it work for now.”

“Where the fuck is that?”

“Queens.”

“Hhmm.. whatever ya say.. got mommy all in the mix now too, I see.. sayin’ ya ain’t wrapped ‘round that girls little finger.. sshhiiiittt... what’s her last name again? Lopez?”

“Sanchez.”

“Rriiiggghhhttt.. yeah.. that’s what I meant.. gonna start callin’ ya Daryl Sanchez..” He bursts into that damn cackle of his.

“Asshole..”

“Ain’t no truer fuckin’ statement there, boy.. girl’s clearly wearin’ the pants...betcha gonna learn spanish too ain’t ya?” he’s carryin’ on, slappin’ his leg like he just said the funniest shit of all time. I ain’t laughin’.. But I ain’t exactly not laughin’ neither cause as long as me and Chase are bein’ acknowledged as a real couple, shit she could wear the pants all she wants.

I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ and Merle stops laughin’ and we’re just sittin’ ‘round lookin’ out at them trees and shit. Listenin’ to them birds chirpin’. I take a look at the time and it’s 7 o’clock. Chase got some weird mid shift goin’ on today so I ain’t gotta pick her up ‘til 10.

“You real fuckin’ serious ‘bout this girl, ain’t ya?” Merle breaks the silence.

“Just realizin’ that?” I’m lookin’ at him and he’s lookin’ at me, "Guess you are dumber than ya look."

“I don’t like her..” he grunts.

I suck my teeth, “Man, you don’t even know her.”

“Lemme finish, baby boy.. I don’t fuckin’ like the girl.. but if that’s what you wantin’.. and she ain’t settin’ yer ass up to knock ya back down again.. then.. the hell can I do ‘bout it? I ain’t gotta live with her..”

“That your way of sayin’ you good with this?” I’m starin’ him down tryna read him. He’s scoffin’ and fidgetin’, shruggin’ his shoulders and spittin’. Seemin’ like he’s buyin’ time to settle all them thoughts flyin’ ‘round in that head of his.

“Hell fuckin’ no, I ain’t fuckin’ good with it.. not one bit..” he’s crossin’ his arms, “but I know I can’t stop ya… unless I take that rifle and shoot some sense into that damn brain a yours.. crossed my mind..” he’s grinnin’, raisin’ up that eyebrow, "good luck leavin' after I blow yer head off.."

We’re just holdin’ eye contact for a minute and I know he’s fulla shit.

“You wantin’ to make a life for yerself, go on.. Thinkin’ ya gotta go up to New fuckin’ York to do it... go ‘head, make that mistake. Dumb move if ya ask me, but hey.. lookin’ like it’s yer life right? Sure as hell ain’t mine.. sayin’ ya ain’t kissin’ me off.. alright.. Well if ya ain’t then I better fuckin’ hear from ya.. and I swear to fuckin’ Christ almighty, Daryl, if yer fuckin’ ass starts ignorin’ my texts again.. ooohhh boy..”

“Nah.. that’s done.. unless you do somethin’ stupid.. then I gotta put ya in time out..” I crack a crooked smile.

“Yeah, yeah.. damn ya to hell, little Dixon.. ya fuckin’ little asshole..” Merle’s noddin’, “becomin’ a fuckin’ man on me.. well I’mma just go fuck myself then..”

“The hell you talkin’ ‘bout?” I kinda laugh some.

“If you forget ‘bout your fuckin’ brother.. I’mma come find ya..” Merle gets all serious, “yer all I got.. been likin’ spendin’ time with ya.. and now yer leavin.. guess that’s how it goes, eh? Nothin’ gold can stay..”

“It ain’t that far ya know.. I ain’t goin’ to another country.. you can come up and visit.. I’mma come back to see ya.. we could use that stupid video chat thing..”

“I ain’t tryna see that ugly face..”

“Then make sure that front facin’ camera ain’t on.”

We both start laughin’. Lookin’ at each other and noddin’ like we get it.. but we ain’t exactly sure how to put it all into words. Guess that trait definitely runs in the family. I can tell he got shit to say.. stuff he’s still got runnin’ ‘round all crazy in that fried up brain of his that he just ain’t tellin’ me.. and so do I.. cause we ain’t been brought up that way.. we ain’t been brought up no kinda way.. Me and Merle don’t know the first thing ‘bout how to show love to each other. How to interact like normal people. Askin’ how the fuck our day was and talkin’ ‘bout life. Even thinkin’ that makes me feel all weird and cringe a little cause it just ain’t what Dixon boys do. We oughta.. but we fuckin’ don’t. I always been a little more sensitive than Merle, yeah.. I’ll admit it.. more sympathetic.. more logical.. a bit more fuckin’ human. I’m really startin’ to notice the impact that people have on my life. How it’s always changin’ and how I’m always changin’ too. Sometime’s as a result of all that. Cause I am.. I ain’t the same.. and it’s a good thing.. I’m even startin’ to think maybe by me leavin’ and showin’ Merle there’s a fuckin’ whole lotta life outside of good ol’ Georgia, it'll get him thinkin’ he can do it too. Get him finally leavin’ his past behind like I been tryna to do. Do all them things for him that Chastity did for me. Maybe not ALL them things.. But ya know what I mean.. Maybe he could even meet a nice lady who could make an honest man out of him. Settle his wild ass down a bit. It could all be so simple.. Just a few simple little tweaks to set it all right. It ain’t gotta be that hard and drawn out. I just want good days. I just wanna be settled. Make amends with all this bullshit I been livin’ with cause I’m gettin’ so tired from carryin’ it all on my shoulders. Merle’s a huge fuckin’ part of all that and maybe we really are makin’ some damn progress. Slowly but surely. In our own fucked up, twisted kinda way. Them motherfuckin’ Dixon boys, I tell ya.


	26. So Long And Goodnight

She’s holdin’ up two coffee mugs, one in each hand.

“Nah, don’t need ‘em.” I shake my head, “matter of fact, don’t need any of that shit in them cabinets.”

She lowers little inked up arms, puttin’ the mugs down on the kitchen counter, lookin’ at me, “You wanna get rid of all these dishes and shit?”

“Fuck ‘em.” I shrug.

“Babe, we can totally use these. I don’t have anything. I have.. like a Starbucks sippy cup and a water bottle.” she’s laughin’, them big brown eyes gazin’ up at me.

“All this hand me down shit don’t even match.”

“So what, matching has nothing to do with functionality… we can go shopping for our new place when we get settled.” She pauses, grabbin’ up them mugs again and wrappin’ ‘em up in newspaper, “but for now, these are perfect..” she’s lookin’ up at me, “besides.. your lips repeatedly touched these.. and that makes me happy.”

I shake my head, feelin’ my face and my ears get hot. This girl still got me blushin’ with them things she be sayin’. Sweet and dirty things all the same.

“Alright. You win.” I ain’t gonna argue with her. Plus, she got a point. I’ll admit, I ain’t been thinkin’ too straight lately. Shit started movin’ real fast and I’m not complainin’ ‘bout it cause this is what I want. It is. But, it’s real now. I’m leavin’ my so called home for 40 damn years. Leavin’ behind the only bit of life I ever knew. And as happy as I am… as much as I been wantin’ all this… I’m fuckin’ freakin’ out a little. I mean.. so much is happenin’.. new place, new real relationship.. cause yeah, we been datin’ and messin’ for some months but now… well, now this is real and we’re really together. No more questions ‘bout how and what we’re feelin’.. and what we’re doin’ and whats goin’ on between us.. nah.. now the relationship’s straight up and established. We want a future together and we’re gonna make it happen. Also kinda fuckin’ scary. What if Merle’s right? What if I can’t give her everything she’s wantin’ and deservin’ of? Fuck, man.. what if I really am better at livin’ down here instead of up there in that big apple? What if I don’t fuckin’ make it? Alright.. Alright.. I gotta stop thinkin’ so goddamn much.. goin’ way off topic with all this shit.. fuckin’ breathe, Daryl.. just take a breath.. mugs.. dishes... beautiful little thing standin’ in front of ya.. get it together..

Little arms wrappin’ ‘round me, wakin’ me up from all them racin’ thoughts, instantly makin’ me feel better, “I love you, Daryl Dixon.”

My face softens some and I can’t help myself from smilin’ cause hearin’ that from her is feelin’ so fuckin’ good. I hug on that slight little body, “love you, too.”

“Everything is working out exactly the way it’s supposed to.” she’s squeezin’ on me tighter and I swear this fuckin’ girl is readin’ my mind cause she always knows exactly how I’m feelin’. Or at least it stays seemin’ like she does, “this is the beginning of the rest of our lives...mismatched mugs and all..” she’s gigglin’. Then she gets real serious, lookin’ up at me, “For the first real time in my life.. I’m fucking excited about my future..”

“Me too.”

“It’s because of you.” Big brown eyes gazin’ into mine. She got me not even knowin’ how to use my voice no more.. gettin’ me all speechless with the way them beautiful eyes see deeper into me than anybody else can. I feel my face get hot again and a stupid shy smile creepin’ ‘cross my lips. I lean down and kiss her and she’s kissin’ me back real slow and sexy. Then we start makin’ out like crazy, touchin’ on each other. Thoughts of that little inked up body, naked under me start takin’ over my brain.. just as slight as she is curvy.. Mmmm.. them curves.. smooth colorful skin.. fuck.. My body’s respondin’ as I’m slidin’ my tongue deeper into her mouth, catchin’ her moanin’ against my kiss. I’m grabbin’ her ass, liftin’ her up on the kitchen counter. Them tiny shorts she got on ain’t standin’ a chance and I’m damn near rippin’ ‘em off cause I know she ain’t wearin’ nothin’ underneath. And I gotta fuckin’ taste her so I break our kiss and do just that, buryin’ my face between them slick little thighs. She’s leanin’ back against the cabinets, knockin’ the pile of newspaper all over the floor, spreadin’ wider for me and grippin’ on my hair. I’m lickin’ and suckin’ on her clit.. them soft delicate petals..

“Mmmmm yeah..” she’s thrustin’ that little pussy against my tongue, moanin’ and breathin’ heavy. Turnin’ me on even more. She’s tastin’ so fuckin’ good I’m forgettin’ to breathe.. fine by me..

I'm pullin’ my pants down as I’m standin’ up and she’s bitin’ her lip lookin’ at me. Spreadin’ her pink pussy open with little painted fingers. Slippin’ one inside herself, bringin’ her wet finger to her lips and suckin’ on it. Drivin’ me fuckin’ crazy.. I can’t take it no more, rubbin’ my hard cock over that hot pink slice for a few seconds before divin’ right in. I grab on them hips, pullin’ her ass off the counter, holdin’ her up as I’m pushin’ myself deeper. In and out faster. So tight and wet, squeezin’ ‘round me, takin’ all of me.

She’s got her hands pressed down on the counter while I’m fuckin’ her, liftin’ that little body up. She’s yelpin’, lettin’ out the hottest noises and we’re holdin’ eye contact.. just feelin’ each other. And I can see it in her eyes that she’s up on that cloud with me.. I’m leanin’ over to kiss her and she’s grabbin’ on my neck, pullin’ herself up into my arms and wrappin’ little limbs ‘round me. I set her back down on the counter, holdin’ her and touchin’ on her while I’m inside her. And we’re kissin’ like crazy, losin’ ourselves in each other. I’m thrustin’ at a nice steady pace cause I wanna really feel her from the inside.. and she’s bitin’ on my neck, breathin’ into my ear, whisperin’ my name.. she don’t even know what the fuck she’s doin’ to me.. I can’t even explain it if I tried.. bein’ inside her.. it feels like the warmest, snuggest hug ‘round my cock.. my entire body.. it feels like I ain’t worthy of all that attention.. but she’s openin’ the door and lettin’ me in.. not lettin’ me go and it’s all I want.. she got me in a slippery vice and it’s beautiful torture.. Slidin’ out and she’s suckin’ me back in.. grippin’ tighter..

“Oh my… fuck… don’t stop..” she’s tryna form words but her orgasm's takin’ over, catchin' her tongue. Shaky little body, diggin’ nails under my shirt. Cryin’ out and I’m feelin’ everything as she’s throwin’ her head back and thrustin’ her hips into me. Wetter instantly as her walls squeeze ‘round me tighter, makin’ it hard to hold on, “I want you in my mouth..” she’s lookin’ in my eyes, speakin’ in broken whispers.

She’s pushin’ me from between her legs, holdin’ eye contact, lips parted and fuck, she’s so fuckin’ sexy. I ain’t prepared to resist what she’s wantin’ to do so I let her take over and she’s hoppin’ that little body down, gettin’ on her knees and takin’ my swollen wet cock into that warm pretty mouth. Don’t get me wrong, a blow job ain’t as good as pussy… but with this girl, it’s damn near close.

Tingles ticklin’ my skin and I’m feelin’ like my knees might buckle from them things she’s doin’ with her tongue. Lickin’ the tip, underneath and all around. Doin’ her best to take all of me but it’s too much and she’s gaggin’ some.. I fuckin’ love that shit.. Holy fuck.. she’s suckin’ harder and faster, holdin’ my balls in her soft little hands and massagin’ on ‘em, moanin’ and hummin’ and the vibration is sendin’ me right where I need to be.. I sink back against the counter, holdin’ myself up on my forearms, helplessly moanin’ as she’s suckin’ me off. My muscles goin’ crazy, cummin’ hard as all hell, pumpin’ her pretty little mouth full of me. She’s swallowin’, moanin’ and gigglin’ all the same time like she ain’t too sure what she’s feelin’ cause it’s a bunch of things and I get it cause I’m smilin’, tryna regulate my breathin’ while the feelin’ in my legs is slowly comin’ back.

She stands up, wipin’ her mouth and smacks my ass as I’m hangin’ on the counter like a fuckin’ old man, “Are you ok?” she’s laughin’, “You need a minute?”

“You makin’ fun of me?” I’m shakin’ my head, grabbin’ a paper towel to wipe my dick off.

“Don’t you dare.. I got it..” she drops back down to her knees, lickin’ and suckin’ my still hard cock clean. This. Damn. Girl. She’s lookin’ up at me and lettin’ my dick go with a loud pop, kissin’ on the tip. I’m squirmin’ some cause it’s sensitive as fuck and I’m wantin’ her to stop but I don’t. She’s gigglin’ all sexy, holdin’ me in her little hand, playin’ with me, “He never wants to go down..”

“Give him a minute..” I’m flinchin’ and them damn goosebumps are back. She knows exactly what the hell she’s doin’. Got me by the damn balls. Fuckin’ literally.

“I could fuck you to death if I wanted to..” she’s raisin’ that eyebrow, stickin’ her tongue out while she’s slowly strokin’ me, “send you off into the great beyond with the best orgasm of your life.” she shrugs, “now that’s the way to go out..”

I’m starin’ at her like she lost her mind, watchin’ her stand up, still holdin’ my dick, “You tryna kill me, girl?”

“Eventually.” she’s laughin’, lettin’ me hang free and wrappin’ little arms ‘round me.

“Hhhmmm..” I’m huggin’ on her, kissin’ her head.

My phone starts goin’ off and I’m reachin’ to grab it. Merle. He got funny timin’ sometimes:

‘you home?’  
‘alone?’  
‘Im comin to see ya’

I go to text him back and she’s lookin’ up at me with that eyebrow, “Daryl..”

“Yup..” I’m tryna hurry with it:

‘yeah I told you...just come’

“Who’s texting us, honey?” she’s actin’ all sarcastic, lettin’ me go, puttin’ her hands on them naked little hips.

I’m lookin’ at them big brown eyes glarin’ at me like she’s waitin’ on me to confess somethin’ to her. I know she’s gettin’ all flustered cause I really never give a shit what my phone is doin’ when I’m with her.. let alone actually goin’ to answer it.

“Nobody.”

“Hmmpphh.. nobody? let me see it..” she’s movin’ away from me, holdin’ her hand out.

I’m tryin’ not to laugh, holdin’ eye contact with her and I can tell she’s gettin’ pissed off. We’re both standin’ there with no pants on and our sex parts all out. My phone goes off again and I check to see what Merle's sayin’:

‘dont tell me what the fuck to do boy.’  
‘be there’

“Daryl fucking Dixon!”

I smirk, tossin’ her my phone, “Told ya it’s nobody.”

She’s catchin’ it, lookin’ through the texts. Sighin’ and shakin’ her head, “He’s coming over? Like.. now?”

I’m pullin’ my pants up, walkin’ over to the livin’ room to grab my cigarettes and she’s doin’ the same, followin’ behind me with my phone in her hand, “Ummm.. were you gonna warn me that you told your brother to come by? I mean.. common courtesy, don’t you think? I need to hose myself down with asshole repellent.”

I’m shakin’ my head, laughin’, “He ain’t that bad.” walkin’ over to the open window and lightin’ a smoke.

“Yes! He actually is, Daryl!” she’s raisin’ her voice, puttin’ my phone down on the table and crossin’ little inked up arms over her chest.

“He’s been really tryin’..” I take a long needed pull.

“You always say that.”

“He ain’t this evil demon whose sole purpose is to fuck shit up between me and you.” I take another pull, blowin’ smoke, “He’s just a guy who don’t know the first thing ‘bout actin’ right. That’s all.”

“Yeah. A fucking asshole.”

“Stop.”

“He fucking hates me. And I really don’t give a shit cause I hate his ass too.”

“He don’t hate you. He hates what you did to me.” I’m keepin’ calm, casually smokin’ my cigarette, lookin’ out the window, “you can’t blame him for feelin’ that way.. If ya think ‘bout it.”

“Are you seriously taking his side?”

“There ain’t no sides to take.”

“Well what about the fucking things he’s done to you, huh? Your entire life!” she’s gettin’ all worked up.

“We’re workin’ on all that, Chas.. we are..” I’m realizin’ this convo ain’t goin’ nowhere, “Listen.. he’s my brother.. he’s all I got..”

“Daryl.. he’s not.. you have me.. baby, you have me..”

I take one last, deep pull of my smoke and put it out in the ashtray, walkin’ over to her, puttin’ my hands on her little colorful shoulders, “he’s my blood.. he’s the only little bit of family I got left.. you're in a completely different category. And you know that if I had to.. I would choose you.. over him.. over everybody..” I pause, lookin’ at her lookin’ at me, “but I wanna try and have a real relationship with him, Chas.. I do.. he’s an asshole, but I ain’t that far off neither.. he took care of me growin’ up in his own fucked up way. He did.. and I don’t expect nobody to understand.. but I need ya to try.. and have my back on this.. I need ya to try and get along.. for me..”

Her face starts to soften and she lets out a sigh, loosenin’ up some and lettin’ her arms fall to her sides. Big brown glassy eyes lookin’ up at me, pursin’ pouty lips. A slight smirk comin’ over her face, “I see what you did there..” she’s pausin’, pointin’ a little painted finger at me, “made me cum first so you can get me all relaxed in your clutches then drop this shit on me so I’d have no choice but to deal with it.”

“No.” my eyes narrow, “but now that you mention it... yeah.. maybe I did.”

“Fucker.” she pushes me.

I laugh a little, grabbin’ her up in my arms and kissin’ on her. She’s pretendin’ to fight me off but I know she’s wantin’ it. She ain’t foolin’ nobody.

“Soo... is Merle gonna help us pack your shit, or what?” she’s breakin’ free, runnin’ into the kitchen to pick up the mess we made.

“Mmhhmm.. gonna help me carry this shit to the truck..” I’m noddin’, bitin’ on my lip, “That table. The bed. Them boxes you packin’.. he ain’t gettin’ off not helpin’ me..”

“Good.” she’s shruggin’, grabbin’ up a shitty blue pint glass she’s insistin’ we keep and wrappin’ it up in newspaper. I can’t help but just watch her for a minute, smilin’ to myself.

Just then, a loud knock on the door. Big brown eyes dart across the room, findin’ mine starin’ right back at her.

“Here we go..” she says under her breath.

“Be good.” I’m tiltin’ my head, squintin’ my eyes at her.

“Aren’t I always?”

“Hhmmph.” I shake my head, turnin’ toward the door. More knockin’ comin’ from the other side and I can already hear that damn smirk on his face, even though he ain’t even sayin’ nothin’. I open the door and yup.. I was right..

“Heeeyyy little brother!” he’s leanin’ one arm against the door frame, grinnin’ and holdin’ a 6 pack under the other, “Ya gonna just stand there with that damn stupid look on yer face or ya gonna let me in?”

I roll my eyes, steppin’ to the side and he’s walkin’ in. And I’m waitin’ for it.. 3...2...1..

“Well… didn’t realize it was gonna be a party…” Merle’s standin’ there just starin’ at Chase like she’s doin’ somethin’ wrong by bein’ here.

“Hi, Merle.” Them words come out her mouth like it’s hurtin’ her to say ‘em. She keeps on doin’ what she’s doin’ as Merle shoots me a look I know all too well. But I don’t give a fuck cause he’s gonna coexist with my girlfriend today whether he likes it or not.

Merle sucks his teeth, walkin’ into the kitchen and puttin’ the beer in the empty fridge, “This place is a fuckin’ dump.. not sayin’ it wasn’t a damn dump to begin with.. but ya get me..”

“Mike’s place now.” I’m crossin’ my arms, watchin’ him snoop around, “He’ll fix it up nice.”

He pops open a beer and hands it to me, grabbin’ one for himself and completely ignornin’ the fact that Chase is in the room. I’m starin’ a hole through him while he’s smirkin’ at me, handin’ the beer in my hand to my girl.

“I’m ok.” she’s shakin’ her head.

“Nah.. have one.” I’m givin’ her the eye and she gets it, takin’ the beer and bringin’ it to her lips.

It’s the principle of the whole thing. And I know Merle’s doin’ it on purpose. Silently makin’ it known that she ain’t welcome here. But all that’s the biggest heap of shit goin’ cause truth is, both of ‘em fuckin’ belong in this damn apartment right now. And they’re gonna fuckin’ get along. Even if they gotta fake it til they make it.

I open up the fridge and grab myself another beer, poppin’ the cap off and chuggin’ some, not takin’ my eyes off Merle. The tension’s growin’ and I’m ‘bout ready to break it..

“Chase is packin’ up kitchen shit.. we already packed up everythin’ in my closet and bedroom.. Almost done.” I nod with a sense of accomplishment.

“Ya havin’ yer girl pack yer shit up for ya, huh? Puttin’ her little ass to work?” Merle’s grinnin’.

“Daryl isn’t having me do shit. I’m packing up our stuff.. for our move..” Chase is snappin’, “You only have a few hours left with your brother, Merle.. I suggest you use them wisely.”

“The fuck’s that s’posed to mean, girl?” Merle’s gettin’ all loud, “You threatenin’ me, sweetheart?”

“You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” Chase slams her beer down on the counter.

“Alright! Enough!” I break it up, “Both of ya!”

“She fuckin’ started it!” Merle’s pointin’ his beer at my girl.

She’s scoffin’, lookin’ at me, “Is he fucking serious right now?”

I don’t know what the fuck else to do, so I start laughin’. Chase is lookin’ at me like she’s wantin’ to smack me, puttin’ her hands on them juicy hips.

“The fuck’s so goddamn funny, boy?” Merle’s barkin’.

“Just the fact that I can’t even have my only brother and my girlfriend in the same damn room for more than 2 minutes without a fuckin’ fight.. I don’t know.. kinda funny to me..”

Chase rolls her eyes and lets out a big sigh, “Well.. let’s hash this shit out.. right here and now..”

Merle starts cacklin’, “Girl, what kinda drugs you smokin’? Nothin’ to hash out.”

“Clearly, you have a fucking problem with me, Merle, so let’s talk about it.” She’s holdin’ her arms out.

“You broke my baby brother’s heart into a million fuckin’ little pieces. How the hell you think all that’s been sittin’ with me, huh? Ya think, you can just come in and outta his life whenever ya damn well please? Leavin’ a fuckin’ trail of tears and destruction in yer path? Ya got his head all fucked up..”

Chase’s jaw drops and them big eyes get even bigger, “Merle, are you fucking hearing yourself? You do that to him! You do! All those horrible things you said to him that night.. those disgusting words that spewed out of that mouth of yours.. about your own brother..” she scoffs, “about me! What kind of taste do you think that’s leaving in my mouth? To see someone I love being completely torn apart and berated like that? By someone who supposedly gives a shit about him?”

“There ya go.. Just described yer fuckin’ self, girl.. don’t go throwin’ stones if ya livin’ in a damn glass house..” Merle’s suckin’ his teeth, his face hard as a rock. And I just can’t take it no more..

“Ya both fucked me over.. ya both did..” I’m noddin’, tryin’ not to get upset, “ya don’t like each other for them same reasons and I fuckin’ get it.. I do.. but I don’t need ya to fight my battles for me.. I already fuckin’ did that..” I look at Merle, “You been treatin’ me like I ain’t human my whole life.. followin’ in his footsteps.. we ain’t gotta get into all that bullshit again, but the bottom line is, I fuckin’ forgive ya for it. I know you’re tryin’ and I see that, now. I ain’t leavin’ to run away from ya, Merle. If anythin'… for the first time in my life, I feel like we might actually be on the same damn page. I don’t wanna jinx it.. I just want it to keep on.. maybe one day we could finally have a real fuckin’ relationship.. cause contrary to what the fuck you believe, I want you in my life.. I ain’t pushin’ ya away..”

Merle’s real quiet, just lookin’ at me. Leanin’ against the fridge, fidgetin’ some. Chase is lookin’ like she’s uncomfortable, standin’ there just listenin’. Her cheeks and ears blushed red.

“And you..” I turn my attention on her, really tryin’ to keep my cool and not get all emotional.. but when it comes to her.. I ain’t got that much control over it, “You fuckin’ crushed me. I don’t know what else to say.. I never thought I could hurt like that.. not after all the fuckin’ hurtin’ I been through all them years.. but you fuckin’..” I bite on my bottom lip, stirrin’ up shit that ain’t needin’ to be stirred up, “It don’t even matter no more, cause it’s over and done. I forgive you too.. and that’s the point.. I don’t care ‘bout what the fuck happened cause we worked it out and I just wanna move on with our damn lives. I fuckin’ love you, Chas.. that’s what matters.”

Her big brown eyes get all glassy and she’s lookin’ like she’s gonna cry. I sigh, lookin’ down at my feet for a second, “Anyway.. what Im sayin' is, I can admit that both of ya are the most important people in my life. And it’s killin’ me that y’all ain’t gettin’ along for some shit ya didn't even do to each other.” I pause, “If I can work on gettin’ over the bullshit and movin’ on, why can’t y’all?”

“I don’t trust her. That’s why.” Merle grunts.

“You don’t even fucking know me!” Chase yells.

“I trust her.” I look at Merle, “and you gotta trust me that I know what the fuck I’m doin’.. you always disregardin’ my judgement. Thinkin’ ya know everything. I need that shit to stop too. I’m a grown ass man, Merle. We both are and we gotta start respectin’ each other a little more.” I pause, “Yeah, you’re way older than me, you old prick, I get it. You been around the block and back again.. more than I wanna fuckin’ admit.. but I ain’t no damn kid. I ain’t stupid and all I’m wantin’ is for you to realize that shit and.. I don’t fuckin’ know.. Whatever..”

“It ain’t whatever, Daryl..” Merle’s gettin’ all serious, his voice real low, “say what you needin’ to say to me..”

I’m leanin’ against the counter and the three of us are just standin’ in silence. I can feel Chase’s eyes on me but I’m havin’ a hard time holdin’ eye contact at the moment. And yeah, this ain’t the most ideal fuckin’ situation to be put in but at the same time, it gotta happen for it not to fuckin’ happen no more. Same as everything else.

“Go on, little brother.. let me have it.. ain’t that what we doin’ here? Lettin’ ol’ Merle have it?” there he goes makin’ it all ‘bout him again.

And maybe I’m sayin’ too much, as usual. Maybe I ain’t sayin’ enough, as usual. But I’m sick of bein’ in the middle. And I’m fuckin’ tired of bein’ quiet and not sayin’ what I’m feelin’... what I been feelin’ when it comes to Merle.. and I also ain’t wantin’ Chase to feel like she’s caught in the middle, but I guess I fucked all that up by indirectly forcin’ them to interact. Good job, Daryl..

“I…” I’m tryin’ to form words and I’m feelin’ like I might choke on ‘em, “I’m just wantin’ you to be proud of me..” my voice is crackin', “I’m wantin’ you to be happy for me.. instead of makin’ me feel like shit all the damn time.. like I ain’t shit.. I'm always fightin’ my way out and it hurts and I’m fuckin’ tired, man.. I just want ya to be proud of the man I've become, Merle… that’s it.. “ I’m holdin' it together and takin’ a sip of beer.

Merle’s lookin’ real uncomfortable, fidgetin’ and lookin’ everywhere but at me. And instantly, I feel fuckin’ stupid.. cause what did I expect? My best intentions, backfirin’... like usual.. I shake my head and chug my beer some more, “Forget it.. let’s just finish packin’ shit up.. we ain’t got that much time.. leavin’ in the mornin’..” I do my best to brush it off. Last day in good ol’ Georgia. Might as well make the best of it.

Chase is frozen. Holdin’ herself and just watchin’ me pull shit out the cabinet. Awkward fuckin’ silence yet again. I need a goddamn cigarette..

“I’m damn proud of ya, baby brother.” Merle breaks the silence. His voice shaky and crackin’ some. Fragile even. Like I ain’t never heard him sound before. Not since mom died.

I stop doin’ what I’m doin’ and look at him, lookin’ at me with glassy red eyes. And seein’ him like that is makin’ me feels things.. things I ain’t prepared to even begin to explain.

“Yer the only good thing in my life, Daryl.. the only fuckin’ thing worth a damn to me.. I been the worst to ya.. hate myself for it.. I ain’t good at this shit..” Merle’s strugglin’ with his words and gettin’ frustrated, “feelin’s and shit.. fuckin’…” he’s pausin’, “god fuckin’ dammit to hell..” he’s bringin’ the beer to his lips and chuggin’ it like he ain’t had a drink in years.

I’m just lookin’ at him. Feelin’ some kinda way. And I ain’t really too sure what the fuck that means.

“My little brother got himself a damn head on his shoulders… I wish I could be half the man ya are.. and I ain’t just sayin’ that shit..” Merle’s pausin’, “I don’t know what the hell I’mma do without ya, Daryl.. gonna fuckin’ miss ya.. I swear boy...I don’t know what the hell I’mma do..”

“I'm gonna miss ya too but maybe it's a good thing.. We could just start over..not take each other bein' around for granted.. keep in touch and just fuckin' build on it..” I’m feelin’ like a kid again, holdin’ onto myself, “I just wanna fuckin’ start all over.. you and me.. me and Chase.. you and Chase.. can we fuckin’ do that? Please?”

Merle’s puttin’ his empty beer bottle down, walkin’ up to me and I ain’t too sure what to do cause with me and Merle it’s always a confrontation. A fuckin’ fight. Never knowin’ how to show love.

“Give ol’ Merle a hug..” he’s holdin’ his arms out, half serious and half forcin’ it. Catchin' me off guard cause last time we tried a hug, it didn’t work out so well. Just the thought of it is givin’ me anxiety. But if we’re gonna start over.. then maybe we could change all that shit too… right?

I awkwardly lean in and we try our best at a manly embrace but kinda fail miserably, if ya ask me. Huggin’ on Chase comes so natural to me.. I know exactly what to do with her little body in my arms.. but with Merle, I’m fuckin’ clueless. It gets weird and I pull away.. Lookin’ at each other and noddin’. There ya go. First real step.

“Merle… this is my girlfriend, Chase..” I ain’t fuckin’ playin’. Reintroductions and all.

Merle scoffs, shakin’ his head and blowin’ hot air. I ignore him and keep on cause time is fuckin’ precious and it’s windin’ down.

“Chase.. This is my older brother, Merle..”

Chase plays the part, puttin’ her differences aside and holdin’ out a soft little hand, “So nice to finally meet you, Merle. I heard nothing but good things.”

Merle looks at me, rollin’ them little eyes. He sucks his teeth, grabbin’ Chase’s hand and shakin’ it, “I bet ya did.. mmmm.. too bad I can’t say the same..” he starts cacklin’.

“Well this is gonna be a process..” Chase pulls her hand away, wipin’ it on her shorts.

“You bet yer ass, sweetheart. Do right by my brother and we’ll see how it’s gonna go.” Merle’s smirkin’.

“I guess we’re both on trial for our sins then.”

“I’mma be watchin’ you.. remember that..” Merle’s pointin’ to his eyes then at Chase.

“Ugh.. I seriously… can’t..” She’s laughin’ to herself, lookin’ at me and shakin’ her head. I’m shruggin’ cause even though they ain’t exactly seein’ eye to eye, it’s a damn start.

Merle pulls out his cigarettes and lights one up.

“Take that shit to the fuckin’ window..” I order.

“What do you care? This ain’t yer damn place no more. Fuck Mike.”

“Got no respect. Whatsoever.” I’m noddin’ at him, “Gimme one.”

He grabs a cigarette out his half empty pack and hands it to me, lightin’ me up. Eh.. fuck it.. one smoke ain’t gonna hurt nobody. Mike sure ain’t gonna give a shit. He’s just grateful I’m leavin’ ‘em my couch.

So me, Merle and Chase dick ‘round some and eventually finish packin’ up all my shit. Merle helps me load what we can onto my truck and helps me secure my bike in the U-Haul trailer I rented. Whatever doesn’t fit, I’m leavin’ behind. Got no choice. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t take nothin’ but the damn clothes on my back. I’m lookin’ ‘round my apartment one real last time, takin’ it all in. My first actual apartment all by myself. So many lame stupid memories. Mostly of me sittin’ ‘round jerkin’ off, eatin’ garbage, sleepin’, not wantin’ to go to work, thinkin’ ‘bout how much I wanna change how borin’ and crappy my life had become. Gettin’ so excited to come home and watch bad TV til I passed out. Same shit every damn day. The occasional real life girl I’d bring home to fuck. I’m gonna miss this place.. but at the same time, I really ain’t. I’m gonna miss Georgia. But at the same damn time, I really just ain’t. Things happen for a reason. Ain’t nothin’ on accident. Chase showed me that. New York is all happenin’ cause it’s supposed to and that’s where our new lives are takin’ us. Me and her. All this shit we been through, the good times and the bad times, it’s all part of the bigger picture. What’s meant to be. Cause walkin’ into that bar that day and layin’ eyes on her was only the beginnin’. The switch that flicked on in my brain, wakin’ me up and allowin’ me to see the beauty in the world ‘round me. That not only was it fuckin’ gorgeous.. But it was even bigger and better than I coulda ever imagined. Chase showed me that. I’m alive and kickin’ cause of her. The sun's shinin’ brighter and kissin’ on my skin like never before cause of that girl. I even got closer to Merle cause of her. And I’m happy and excited and kinda nervous and anxious ‘bout everythin’ that’s next. And no matter what happens, I know we’re gonna make it work. I just fuckin’ know it. I’m gonna really try and take it one day at a time. No more overthinkin’ shit. Just.. bein’. With the girl of my dreams. Existin’ and havin’ fun. For once in my previously pathetic life, the possibilities are fuckin’ endless..

I was born and raised in the great state of Georgia. And it’s taken me 40 years to grow the balls to get the fuck out and make a life for myself. And that’s ok. Tomorrow, I’ll be in New York City, movin’ into a new place with the love of my life. The one person I truly connect with. And it’s gonna be our place. Livin’ with my girlfriend for the first time. I can’t say how long we’re gonna be there or where to next.. but all I know is, wherever we end up, we’ll have each other and we’ll be happy cause that’s all we need. And even though I ain’t never callin’ Georgia my home ever again, it’s gonna always hold a special place in my heart.. cause it’s here that we crash landed and fell in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! This is the last chapter and I cannot thank you enough for all the love you've shown throughout this story.. which started out as just an outlet for my Daryl sexcapades (seriously though lol) and quickly turned into so much more and by far one of my favorite characters and stories ever written. Yeah, Daryl isn't mine, but I live and breathe him as a write and hold this version of our beloved little Dixon near and dear to my heart. I am so glad that you appreciate what I've done with him as much as I love writing it :) Now don't go and be all sad and down because, as I said before, Sex Type Thing just had to end so part 2 to Chase and Daryl's story can begin! Yup, that's right.. sequel is in the works and should be up in no time!! I will let everyone know when I post it and I am really excited to share what's to come!!! I fucking love you all!!!! xoxo
> 
> Daryl Dixon living in New York??? This should be interesting... :):)


	27. **Not a chapter** just some stuff and thangs..

Hey everyone! I was too lazy to tag everybody in a comment so I figured I'd do it this way. (what a lazy fuck) Just wanted to let you know that the first chapter to the new adventures of Daryl and Chase is up! The sequel is lovingly titled 'Interstate Love Song' (naturally) 

I'm excited to continue to share my writing with you and hope you go on over and check out the sequel and tell me what you think of it so far!! love you! xoxoxo


End file.
